#diary 13

10 August 2016

Dear Maggy,

The song Accidentally in Love which I am currently listening to, from the movie Shrek 2, was nominated for an Academy Award in 2004. I guess I am writing to say that I can see why now.

My stomach literally hurts because I miss you so much. It’s literally painful. It is literally the worst feeling I have ever felt, and I have been kicked in the balls. And had my heart broken - but by someone else, and not as much. I have also been rejected from some good graduate schools, wow I was so bad on the GRE. It is worse than my stomach after the night I had the curry phaal challenge from Bricklane Curry House and consumed so much lassi I diarrhead molten fire at 5 AM. It felt like I was being repeatedly punched in the chest. This is mustard gas. It’s a fucking poison. You are a fucking poison. A poison I would gladly drink.

I miss you. Please come back. Please start a long distance relationship with me. Please just be with me. I’ll give up my job, I’ll give up my dreams, I’ll give it all up if I could be with you, but I know that’s not the kind of guy you want, so I will draw the line at there. I will be the submissive stay-at-home-dad while you do the corporate pants-wearing and then end up sleeping with your male secretaries while I’m heartbroken at home because I gave you EVERYTHING. I would vote for Hillary Clinton for you because I would literally abandon my principles because fuck them, I’m with you. And I would gladly take them back after realizing you like me having principles. I just like you so painfully much I just want you to like me back as much so I’m desperate for anything. Like the character Jake says to the character Lainie from the movie Sleeping with Other People, I know we would both fail in long distance relationships because we just fail at these sorts of things because they’re hard it’s not necessarily our fault, despite failing at all of this, I would rather fail with you than anyone else. And god I know I’m afraid of a relationship based on me genuinely loving you and you loving me mainly because I was the only one to show you that much affection, and us eventually growing distant because you don’t love me as much as I love you. But these are the real and honest gutwrenching feelings I have.

I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry.

The Woman Warrior - Maxine Hong Kingston

The House on Mango Street - Sandra Cisneros

Annie John - Jamaica Kincaid

Jazz - Toni Morrison

The Joy Luck Club - Amy Tan

Jasmine - Bharati Mukherjee

Possessing the Secret of Joy - Alice Walker

Cresent - Diana Abu-Jaber

Hedda Gabler - Henrik Ibsen

The Seagull - Anton Chekhov

Miss Julie - August Strindberg 

Spring Awakening - Wedekind

Life of Galileo - Bertolt Brecht 

Yerma - Garcia Lorca

Endgame - Samuel Beckett

The Skriker - Caryl Churchill

Attempts on Her Life - Martin Crimp

I Served the King of England - Bohumil Hrabal

Dolly - Susan Hill

Why be happy when you could be normal? - Jeanette Winterson

Revolution - Jennifer Donnelly

The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver

American Gods - Neil Gaiman

Falling Man - Don DeLillo

The Year of the Flood - Margaret Atwood

White Teeth - Zadie Smith

The Satanic Verses - Salman Rushdie

Barnaby Rudge - Charles Dickens

Mary Barton - Elizabeth Gaskell

Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

The Tenant of Wildfell Hall - Anne Bronte

Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl - Harriet Jacobs

King Solomon's Mines - H. Rider Haggard

Gilead - Marilynne Robinson

The Man in the High Castle - Philip K. Dick

Shirley - Charlotte Bronte

Sybil or the Two Nations - Benjamin Disraeli

The Children of the New Forest - Captain Marryat

The Wonders of Vilayet -  Mirza Sheikh  I’tesamuddin 

The Black Album - Hanif Kureishi

Minaret - Leila  Aboulela 

Maps for Lost Lovers - Nadeem Aslam

The Road from Damascus - Robin - Yassin-Kassab

The Road - Cormac McCarthy

Wikipedia on Unitarianism

The Church that performed my 'naming ceremony'/baptism.

There is something seriously wrong with this man.