Probably just gonna use this to post rants and vents and stuff, maybe have a conversation if someone sees this bs and responds for some reason :p

Honestly my day, or I guess my whole year or life, has been pretty shit. Not even an exceptional kind of shitty, just disappointing and disheartening, like every fuckin day.

Even my favorite game, Warframe, has just killed my motivation and enthusiasm. I know it's stupid, but I was so excited for the new sayandana thing, but the only way to get it is for a minimum of 20 fuckin dollars for 3 regal Aya, of which you only need 1 to get it, or spend 25 dollars, probably closer to 26, to get a pack that includes a bunch of special exclusive stuff, as well as a single regal Aya, and it just happened to come out in the last half of the month left until I can go back to work to make money again. I already missed out on the last tennocon stuff because I couldn't afford it, now? I can't even go to work to make money to afford it until it's already over. Warframe was my favorite because it didn't have stuff like that so I didn't have to miss out or feel excluded, but I was never even included from the beginning, I never even got the beloved "new tenno experience" I just grinded for days for random bs and figured everything out by myself, completely solo aside from random public lobbies when I couldn't do smth by myself. I know that's the same experience a lot of veterans have and not everyone gets that kind of thing, but it still feels really shitty.

Though, I did learn from the game that nothing you seek in life will pretty much ever actually be achievable until you don't want or need it anymore, however at the same time, I think that's the stupidest most unfair bullshit ever! And I get it, "Lifes not fair", but okay, fine, life is shit. I already get that part. When's the next one??? Is that just it? So much build up and it's all just fucking nothing. Everyone says it gets better, but when? I've been waiting my whole life, and it's actually only gotten way fucking worse, so when's the good part coming??? What the fuck am I even supposed to do while I wait? I can't have a life or be a person if I can't even get a friend, everyone has someone, if I don't, then what am I supposed to be? I can only really assume I'm just not supposed to have friends or something, though it's not like I'm special, as far as I can understand, I basically don't exist, I seem to just be the faint idea of a person rather than actually being a real person with friends and feelings and stuff. Though, then I'd be unique or something, so that's definitely not true.

I mean, I still have feelings, but they don't feel real, like when you convince yourself you really like something when you actually feel almost entirely indifferent, but at the same time it's not like I have absolutely no feelings, they're just full of holes and missing a lot of pieces.....

i'm upset for supriya, who is so talented and deserved better material if this was going to be her final season and not just part of an ongoing arc.

i'm so sad we'll never get to see how her story concludes. we'll never get to see her having the kind of conversation every single other character has gotten this season, where she's told that she's valued & given the support she needs. we'll never get meaningful resolution between her & robby. we'll never get to see the continuation of her dynamic with abbot which, platonic or romantic, has been such a big part of both of those characters from the beginning.

i'm really angry and i don't know where to direct that anger. and i'm just selfishly so disappointed that two of my favorite characters were the first to leave this show.

i've been thinking about that interview noah wyle did a while back, when he said something like, "people relate to these characters basically one-to-one, so the most important thing is that we keep honoring their stories."

i feel really, really let down by that right now. samira reminded me a lot of myself; someone who spent so long focusing on self-improvement, on success, on getting to the next thing, and then turned around one day & realized i'd neglected most of what mattered. someone who got pushed out of pursuing a career i'd wanted by teachers & mentors who didn't see me. someone who was capable of tremendous empathy but also had a temper, was impatient, was bad at friendships & relationships. someone who talked back and stood up for herself.

and as someone who has also spent a lot of time in emergency rooms, she's the kind of doctor i would have loved to have when i was sitting there alone & scared & feeling like my pain was an inconvenience.

A dog with bleeding gums

The need to bite and tear

Suffering from the torture of being alive

Engraved into my bones

By the hands of god or my own

A bloody battle is sure to ensue

I will spit out my own teeth

And cross the threshold of heaven