#depressing thought

I know I’m hurting. I know I’m going through a dark time, pretty much always am, but I can’t express it or really feel it and yet I feel it immensely at the same time.

There’s a hole where something else should be and I watch people everyday and read about people all the time who found out how to fill that hole and I just…can’t.

I’ve been staring at my ceiling for like 10 min because my friends were telling me about how great Christmas was this year for them and they’re wanting to know how mine was and I just play pretend and talk about how my gram got me the snacks I wanted and today was nice even though I worked in the morning. (According to them that’s lame, but they mean well)

I can’t tell them that’s all I asked for because my budget doesn’t allow for snacks. I’m still struggling to come up with funds to get rid of the black mold in my dad’s house. (It’s sat empty for years and I moved in because I had no where else to go) My brother came home from the psych unit today after having yet another psychotic break. His schizophrenia and paranoia is the worst it’s been yet. (He’s a victim of an attempted murder) My parents are trying to figure out how to put him into a long term psych program. (He’s proving time and time again he can’t be a functioning member of society.) I barely saw my family. My sister is slowly replacing us with her boyfriend’s family because they are actually functional. (Her own words.) And my boyfriend and I are more on the outs than ever (he can’t deal with the mental health issues around every corner between me and my family) and I’m pretty sure we’re going to end up breaking up but it feels wrong to do it on the holiday so we’ve been avoiding each other (hopefully out of politeness). I have no clue.

But I can’t say that because then I’m being a Debby downer. A grinch. A Scrooge. Whatever people want to say because they want to keep up their toxic positivity or whatever. Im literally discussing my day but I guess that’s incredibly negative and toxic.

But I guess it’s cool you played games all day with your fam and got brand new stuff you’ve been dying to have for like ever and concert tickets and more clothes and can’t wait for summer to wear it all. And spent the day taking cute family photos and videos and had a huge family dinner. It’s cool to hear about how your husband’s and fiance’s went above and beyond this year and you’re so excited for what the new year is going to bring.

Must be nice.

I can’t even remember what a good holiday feels like anymore. My life is a myriad of tragedies that no one really understands and they won’t stop happening. I don’t get a break and if everyone else is also going through tragedies one after another how the fuck do they manage to fill the hole?

I actually don’t like the holidays.

I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling nothing and everything simultaneously.

Went to see a new psychiatrist today because the previous one can only be my doctor before i become an adult (18 y/o).

they asked us to be there by 4pm, but at the end the doctor was able to see me at like after 5pm.

she asked me, “when was the last time you self-harmed¿” In Front Of My Parents.

who does that¿! my previous doctor never asked me about this sort of stuff in front of my parents. he never even asked about the exact time that i did it to begin with. yet this new doctor thought that i would just tell the truth. i looked at my sleeves in silence. under my left sleeve was a bloody wound dressing.