I sit back and I watch. I watch and I listen. I hear everyone talking and I can not shut it out. Conversations filled with details I find inconsequential. This is fine. I have patience, I can wait for the sounds to dull, and I do just that. Though, the sounds donāt stop. They continue talking, whispering, laughing... I donāt want to, but I think to myself āWhat if I could talk to people like that?ā
āNo, theyād think Iām annoying or that I couldnāt or just begging for attention.ā
The thought persists. I panic internally, face never changing. I ridicule my own body for things I can not change. My throat strains. I feel like crying, but I reach for a drink in itās stead. I drink and the pain leaves for a second as the muscles tense. Iām fine now.
āWhat if your friends have always ātoleratedā you?ā
No... Iām not, Iām not sure Iāve ever been fine.
I hear a childās laugh, I can still hear everyone. I smile a bit. Itās a sad smile, something about the happiness of an ignorant past.
āNo one wants to be in your company, you just impose yourself!ā
The smile is gone. I feel tired.
I nod quickly with a curt āMmhm.ā The voice leaves, accepting the reply as normal.
āThe mask didnāt slip. Your eyes are dry and your hands are steady. Youāve become good at hiding it.ā
Itād be so much easier if I just let it slip. Let them see me as I am!
āThen you would be an inconvenience and theyād push you away!ā
Thatās it. Thatās the fear that stalls me. The very thing that terrifies me into inaction.
Iāve become quiet. Staring at the voices is all I want to focus my attention on. Inconsequential details of a strangerās life are all that I hear. My eyes whisper of pain, and I realize they havenāt closed in the last minute or so.
āIām tired, āI mutter out loud.
āYouāre tired of living, arenāt you?ā
I walk for the door, pausing to tell the doorman I was heading home. The walk is about 2 hours. I need it.
I scream out lyrics to songs no one can hear, justifying it by telling myself that āno one cares enough to get angry.
Iām over a river now. The bridge, old and rusted, watches over it and the number of boats below.
āDo you think that drowning would hurt less than a car?ā
I keep walking forward. Iām home soon enough. I say goodnight to my parents and lie in bed a minute later. The edges of my vision turn grey, but sleep eludes me.
āIām going to die like this, one day... , ā I say to myself.
āWere you really alive in the first place?ā