kind of tmi about my love life sorry
nearly all of my long distance ex boyfriends in t4t mlm relationships having preferred to imagine and describe that i’m bigger than them, have a penis, etc… like just say that you don’t think transmascs are masculine enough to deserve to top because their bodies aren’t up to your standards and you only like “real” dicks. i’d be fine if they could say that preference outright but they just shallowly reassure me when i bring it up
they would also treat me like the most stereotypical het boyfriend, i have to do emotional labor, listen to them cry, accept them lashing out and yelling at me when they’re upset, when i’m unhappy they tell me i’m not making enough space for their feelings. they never take care of me and when i express some insecurity they just remind me it’s okay because they’re happy with me. they’d tell me their sexual preferences and expect that i should be salivating at the thought because of course i should always want them and i should already be overjoyed that they want to do it with me but their tastes have to be catered to
and it feels like some projection of internalized het culture gender role shit because they’re all fem-presenting trans men and i’m masc-presenting. it absolutely doesn’t help that i’m a masc trans man who prefers to dom and top. treated like actual trash and objectified as a toy and someone who can be used to roleplay your dream cis boyfriend, and denied any space to express any feminine-coded aspect of myself including my literal real life body
my current boyfriend is wonderful but every time he’s okay with me reminding him of which genitals i have or he’s okay with looking at my thin arms and remembering that i use a harness to top i start tearing up and especially when i realize he remembers what the fuck i’m even into and doesn’t seem colder after i get emotional i just start crying real tears
trans men are not safe from just vile toxic masculinity from other trans men including from a heteronormative perspective. “just do t4t” is not an automatic safe haven from being seen as not man enough. anyone can have unchecked bigotry.
i get that many transmascs are bottoms but it just makes me even more bitter when nearly every ao3 fic with a trans man in it the trans man is bottoming and usually for a cis man. it sometimes feels like there’s no space for me in the world
This is transandrophobia and homonormativity (a subset of heteronormativity directed at queer relationships, in which queer relationships are "fine" as long as they have a "balance" of "feminine" and "masculine".)
There are people who subscribe to toxic masculinity and heteronormativity in every demographic, unfortunately. I am sorry you've gone through this.
I am not a man, but I experience something very similar for my transmasculinity. Every time I enter dating or kink spaces, I am never deemed masculine enough, and any time my masculinity is recognized it is weaponized against me.