#defxlt

You ever here the whole “love at first sight” thing?Yeah that’s bullshit.

The first time Lachlan fell in love in love with Defalt were the first time he approached the subject of the two of them moving in together. It, at the same, hadn't been the whole "I'm in love with you" type of love-- it had been the "holy shit, I just found a new friend? is that what we are now?" type of love. Lachlan had been having problems finding friends despite the ones he had when he moved to the States. (All of which were much further away, except the Canadians.) Defalt had been a surprise to him.

The next time had been after Defalt had somehow managed to break the toaster. Lachlan had stumbled out of his bedroom in a daze and it had been the first time he'd seen the other's face. He had merely shrugged it off and just asked him. "Are you kidding me, mate? Did you have to break the toaster so early in the morning?" And yes, of fucking course he had to break it this early in the morning. He wouldn't be Defalt otherwise.

It had been a week after the next incident that he realized he had a giant crush on the rat. It had been an entire week and he didn't mind it at all-- he had kept it to himself for another few months until Defalt had managed to rip the information out of him in his sleep. He hated being a sleep talker but this were no real surprise to him that Defalt had exploited it. He liked to do that, or so it seemed to Lachlan. He liked to do a lot of things he probably shouldn't do and it didn't really bother him much at all anymore.

The fourth time he realized it were when he had to leave him to protect him. To protect them both and to make them both safe. To make sure that no one had to die for anyone else's sake thanks to the Fixers that had been hired to kill him and Defalt if seen together. Hired to make sure that Lachlan never got to see age twenty-two. He knew then that he loved him and he knew then that he had to do everything to protect him from everything that could so much as hurt him.

Lachlan has to tell him. He has to tell him once and for all-- that now that he's twenty-three and grown up, that his emotions from when he were twenty are no longer in play. That he can't honestly tell Defalt that he loves him without it sounding like a lie. He can't keep lying to him-- he can't stay in this flat anymore without remembering what he used to feel and knowing what he no longer feels.

He has to tell him but he can't figure out how and he doesn't know when. He just knows that this time, he needs to say it to his face and he needs to let him know that living this way isn't healthy. That their three years apart had done them no good and only made Lachlan realize that maybe he hadn't really loved him to begin with.

And as Defalt's coming home for the day and Lachlan's waking up, he slowly and quietly leaves his bedroom. "Defalt? We need to talk."

And they do talk but Lachlan gets the final words in. "I’ve grown up and now I’m over you." It's sad so sadly that he regrets it already. "I promise this isn't another ploy to get away to save your life. I promise this isn't something that's easy to do. But I can't keep lying to you-- to me. I'm going to move home and you won't hear from me again after this."

Defalt is silent as he picks up his coffee mug and leaves the kitchen. He thought they were okay. He thought that they were getting better. But in reality, he sees it now, they had been getting worse this entire time.

Lachlan hears a smash in the bedroom now and he winces.

This is his fault but he can't lie to Defalt anymore.

He's always cared a little bit too much.

And maybe, in the end, it had been a ploy to save Defalt's life again.

Defalt's done a lot for him but he's not sure how much he trusts him anymore. (Defalt trusting him, he means.) After all, Lachlan had left to make sure that Defalt could live and that no one else had to die. But then again, that sure as hell didn't end well for anyone as plenty more people died and he'd come back and now many others were fighting a losing battle. There hadn't been a lead on the hitman in almost three years. The trail had gone cold and Lachlan didn't want to admit that.

He couldn't admit that he didn't feel safe anywhere and that he didn't even trust himself. He couldn't admit that he were always on high alert and would wake up every hour to make sure they were both still alive. Forgetting to eat and sleep because he didn't know if today would be the day he died. Always at Oversight working his ass off to make sure no one else had to die because of him.

It just so happens that this time, they're in the middle of a decent argument. One that it seems like Defalt is going to win when he pulls the card out. The trump card. "After all I’ve done for you, you’re lying." Lachlan inhales a deep breath and he just. He sits down and tries to breathe-- to take it in and maybe, finally have the courage.

"Defalt." He starts it off with. "I'm terrified to all hell, paranoid constantly, I barely sleep or eat. I'm barely functioning. I can't keep up like this, it's killing me." And he knows it is because his skin is an ashy grey, compared to it's normal vibrance from three years ago. His eyes no longer shine when he hears good news-- dull and dead. He constantly feels like he's falling apart over trying to get this hitman but he can't step down.

Lachlan had gotten into a fight-- with a box. A fucking box. His new chair for his room had finally arrived and he'd been the only one actually home to open it and set it up. However, just as he were doing so, a piece of the leg had popped out as he were opening it and whack. Right in the face.

And of course, Defalt had come home about two hours later to a blood stained wash cloth on the kitchen counter and likely, concerned as ever. And then he saw him. "What the fuck happened to your face?"

"Got into a fight with my chair leg as I was opening it in the box. Metal hurts, by the way."

Lachlan were almost a little too glad he had been updated on his tetanus shot and that the bleeding had finally stopped. Of course, only after ruining a wash cloth and put a large piece of gauze on his left cheek.

"You lied to me."

And he's shrugging as he's showing Defalt the computer area in Oversight. He'd been blocking him out of here for months and keeping him off of the whitelist because Defalt around all of these computers could only end in one way. Badly.

But he decided he may as well let him see the real place now-- now that things were slowly smoothing over for at least one of them. Lachlan finally decided to let Defalt check out all of the computers and their systems, the coding underneath. All of it that Lachlan had done by hand.

"I can't believe you learned some of this from me and then took it and went mad scientist on it. What the fuck, Lachlan."

Lachlan starts laughing at that idea-- "I don't know what you were expecting from a guy who was working on a tech degree and then you taught him more. Kind of had to improvise. See that station over there in the corner? That's the punishment station. Usually Kevin's because I'm an asshole." And he grins widely because he may as well put the kid in a corner some days.

Other days, he's sitting there.

He's getting the whole spiel about how to do things in the flat. His furniture sitting in the hallway, some of it delievered to the doorstep that morning, even. Defalt's rambling on and on about how to lock this, where to put that, how to not interrupt him, to not touch this and this and oh that too. He doesn't know how a guy can go from talking so little to talking this much in a few months time.

Lachlan's only barely listening now, nodding once in awhile and his feet are getting tired. He's not used to standing for this long, normally, in one spot. He's staring straight ahead, almost as though he might nod off.

But then something the other says catches his attention. "I'm bad for you."

And he's rather quick to respond because quite frankly, he doesn't really care. "Do I look like the type of guy that cares about that? You can be a murderer for all I care, but as long as you're nice to me, we're set."

Kevin's supposed to be babysitting them-- as Utorak had kindly put it, as he were in sick detail. (Literally, the worst job in the entire company that were normally only reserved for punishments. Always a fantastic time when Lachlan were put onto it; he made the best chicken noodle soup ever known to mankind.)

But today? Today both he and Defalt were sick and he assumed one got the other sick.

Lachlan shouldn't have been going out in the snowstorm without much more than a hoodie and a jacket on for a hunt. It had been far too cold and when he used the back entrance to Defalt's club to avoid the shitty bouncer and donned a "staff" shirt, he swore he could barely feel his thighs from how cold he were.

It had been no surprise that the next day, he were a sniffling mess lying in bed. And even more so no surprise when Defalt literally looked at him and just. "Get the fuck away from me." Which had really done no good, considering Defalt's bed had become his for the time being (it was bigger and had more pillows, sue him.)