#dearlove

LMAAAOOOOO

it’s been a while, the last time we spoke it was summer, i was wearing my flowy dress, walking out in the sun, taking pictures with my disposables. 

shortly after that, you left. i was heartbroken. 

you left so suddenly and unexpectedly it almost seemed unreal. everything even now seems so unreal, maybe because it turned ugly so quick, maybe because it was so short lived i still have thoughts of whether or not you were actually there half the time, maybe i couldn’t look past our ending. I had so much resentment for you because you brought me so much pain I couldn’t even think of the time we spent together because they’d only bring me pain and nothing else. even when i missed you, even when spent all my 11:11 wishes for you to come back i still hated you because you were the reason i was aching.

 i thought if he’d bring you back, life would be normal again; colors wouldn’t seem so dull, i could start singing in the shower and feel pretty again, i could write again, that i could look at myself and not see this broken mush of a being.

i tried… and tried… and tried. I made promises, traded, cried, screamed, and still, you didn’t come back. 

it was tough. i felt like it wasn’t our time yet. i had just began to know you and i had waited years for you to arrive and when you did, you were everything i imagined you to be, just like in my head. I know we had such amazing moments but the moment you left, my life turned all shades of grey. my life and my heart had a void, this void that made everything else around seem empty as well. you made me feel happy and confident and pretty just for me to feel sad and lonely and insecure. 

i guess we both were at fault, i held on too much to the good parts in denial that they were still there while you portrayed yourself as so much more than you actually were. when i look back; i kept latching on to the possibility of you coming back, i was such a fool. i now realise, you didn’t leave the moment he walked out, you’d left days before. i should’ve realised when the bed felt cold, his touch felt wrong, conversations felt fake. the warmth, the comfort, the feeling of belonging just wasn’t there anymore. i should’ve known. well, after you left he couldn’t stay and… that’s fair. 

after him i have tried to look for you in countless people, wishing you’d magically appear like you did the first time, sweep me off my feet and life would taste a little sweeter. i’ve been waiting and waiting, i’ve glanced at every person i hoped to see you in, nothing. 

i’m still looking, love. 

i know the first time it didn’t work out, i was naive, i asked too much of you. now, i just want you for you. nothing more, nothing less.

i write to you this letter to let you know this in words, i’m ready to see you again, to have you in my life again. i promise that this time, i’ll listen a little closer and whisper a little louder but if you need time, that’s alright. if you think i need time, if there’s one more lesson to be learnt, okay. come to me when i’m ready, when you know i’m ready. 

you know me and i trust you, but love, this time you come, 

only come to stay.

Purpled is pissed