#deadpool smut

There was a flurry of a chase and a haphazard battle. Your half-witted heist crew decided your best chance at escape was to distract your pursuers by blowing the building to the ground. 

“It’s coming down in 30!” the engineer called to the rest. Captain shot you an exasperated look from across the chaos. Your arms were heavy with alien artifacts and weaponry, all of which meant nothing to you but an insurmountable sum of cash if you'd managed to successfully pull off the crime. 

“Forget the payload, we gotta buzz!” 

You groaned and reluctantly opened your arms to let the items drop before breaking into a sprint. 

The driver busted her bumper through a wall, crewmembers hastily climbing in but hesitating when they catch a glimpse of you struggling to weave through the blockade of opponents. Captain reached out for you, but the gunslinger pushed her body out of the way to put a bullet through an officer’s chest when he got dangerously close to tackling you. 

As he fell to the ground, his arm flew out, catching on your heel and bringing you down in front of him. You collapsed on your knees and crawled forward. 

“10 seconds!” the engineer cried from the passenger seat. Captain caught your eye again - and she mouthed a silent apology. You shook your head frantically in protest but she turned away and gestured for the driver to back out of the wall, tires screeching as the car went into reverse. Then the room caved in as you watched them speed off, leaving you to be buried in it. 

Everything happened in a heartbeat. 

One moment, enough riches to buy you a free life literally in your grasp. The next, your empty hands are being bound onto your back. You snarl at the swat officer that's holding you up by your arm. 

He drags you to a squad car surrounded by those stupid, genetically enhanced circus clowns. The officer addresses the most visually outrageous of them, a 7ft body builder made of metal, “Colossus. This one made it out in a single piece somehow.” The mutant called Colossus glances at the rest of the team. 

The rest of the lineup consisted of a curvy mercenary with a glamorous fro and a pale mark over her eye, an adolescent girl with shaved head and a sour expression, a jacked grandpa with a thick beard and blades fixed between his knuckles, and a masked soldier completely covered head to toe in a blood red tactical bodysuit, complete with pure white lenses nestled in black detailing. 

A cynical voice erupts from inside the red suit. “Ah, this one’s a troublemaker isn’t she? That’s why the rest of her posse left her for us to dispose of.” You lunge in his direction but the swat officer held you firmly planted. The blood red soldier feigns terror, throwing his hands up and flailing his head side to side. “Ahhhhhh!” He cries in a shrill, mocking tone. 

“Cut it out, Wade.” warns grandpa mutant. Thankfully, the bombshell mutant interjects, breaking the brain-melting stupidity. “Let’s take her in. She could give us a lead on the other suspects. These guys are amateurs, no doubt, but we can’t let them think they got away that easy.”

The emo mutant scoffs loudly, rolling her eyes. “Or we could just keep chasing their sorry asses right now, we’re wasting time just standing around.” 

“I’m with the bitchy girl,” says grandpa. “We can still end this if we go now.”

“Right, so we just take off and let her go?” bombshell argues.

“I’m in favor of that option.” you said comically, darting your eyes around the group and trying to catch their reactions. You shrugged and followed up “Tough crowd.” Then you hear a soft, amused grunt come out from the red suit. 

Colossus finally speaks up with the verdict. “Domino and myself will secure the  perimeter of the city, we can’t take the chance that anything has been taken from the reserve. Logan and Negasonic will search the streets.”

“Roger,” says the mutant named Logan, nodding to the other mutant, Negasonic. She breathed a bratty “Finally,” before she disappeared into the sky, spheres of glowing energy bursting her from her hands.

The soldier in the red suit perks up with a whiny tone, “What the fuck? Logan and What’s-Her-Ridiculously-Long-Name get to have all the fun? What am I supposed to do, play Solitaire?” 

You can’t be sure since it wasn't visible, but you got the feeling that Colossus rolled his metallic eyes at the last mutant. “Your responsibility is to escort the suspect to the precinct. Wait there for further instruction.” 

“Oh, fuuuck that. Do I look like a cab service to you?” 

“Deadpool,” Domino starts, “You’ve been nothing but a smart-ass menstruation product for the past 18 hours. Would it kill you to fall in line for once?” 

“You know, I’ve actually never tried that! Oh, boy, do I have a hopeful feeling about this. Right this way, madame.” Your escort bows dramatically and stretches his arm out to a nearby squad car. After he walks you over, he puts his gloved hand on top of your head to duck you into the backseat, murmuring quietly in your ear, “This is going to be fun, isn’t it, sweetheart?” You can’t help but let out a dry laugh as he shuts the door in your face. 

The squad car swerves onto the street, leaving dark tracks steaming off the pavement. Colossus sighs, “We did not give him authorization to use that vehicle.” 

The ride is jerky and fast, and because your escort forgot to do you the courtesy of buckling you in, your body gets jostled around in the backseat. You curl up against the door opposite of him and then extend your legs across all the seats to distribute your body weight and steady yourself. Masked eyes flicker back and forth from the road to the rearview window. You scoffed quietly before finding your voice. 

“Your name. Is it Wade or is it Deadpool?” There’s a moment’s pause before he turns his entire body to face you, one arm on the wheel, his blank, white eyes meeting yours. “You can call me whatever name you like.” he teases. His gaze wanders over your legs and back to your face while he drives with a complete lack of regard. Then he turns back to the wheel, like nothing was abnormal about it. 

You feel your cheeks flush pink and promptly look out the window in a pathetic attempt to hide it. Deadpool shifts his posture in the driver’s seat, sinking into it and letting his legs fall wider apart.

The tension in the car was suffocating, so you bite back at his vague response. “You called me a troublemaker but it seems like that was all projection. Sitting here, flirting with the very suspect who witnessed you getting chewed out by your teammates.” 

“Hey, those lame lunchbox heroes aren’t really my teammates. I just get buddied up with them when it serves the plot well or if teamwork is the marketing angle.” 

Your silence conveys how poorly the line was received. Deadpool’s eyes keep meeting yours in the rearview mirror as the car swerves through traffic and rounds tight corners. He keeps squirming like he’s got an itch he can’t scratch, and that’s when you notice a lump forming against his thigh, caught underneath the skin-tight fabric of his suit. You press your lips together to keep from snickering but you can’t stop looking in that one spot in the car for the rest of the ride. 

Deadpool leads you by the handcuffs through the parking lot and the automatic doors. He walks behind you at a carefree pace, his fingers brushing yours with each step. Deadpool took in a deep inhale before cracking out “Wow, I thought I was a kinky motherfucker but you guys really go all out with the cell bars and paperwork.” The officers groan in response and show you through.

You are loaded into a holding cell with just a bench and a toilet, a single chair on the other side of the room. An officer locks you behind the cold metal bars before turning to Deadpool. “Don’t go anywhere, we’ll need to take a statement from both of you. Someone will come as soon as possible but just hang tight and make sure she doesn’t try anything stupid.” There was an agitated groan through the mask which the officer ignored, turning on her heels to leave.

“Hey, wait!” you call after her. She stops to turn her head over her shoulder, saying nothing. “How am I supposed to use the toilet with these on?” You show your backside, shaking the handcuffs. The officer lets out a resigned sigh and removes the cuffs through the bars, taking them with her as she leaves the room, the door shutting loudly behind her. 

You step away from the bars, rubbing your sore wrists as you plop down onto the hard, concrete bench. Deadpool kicks his foot around for a moment before taking a seat on the empty chair. He throws an arm over the backrest and slouches, letting his thighs widen to expose his bulge through the suit, just like in the squad car. This time, he isn’t distracted by driving and  notices how your line of vision ends at his groin, making him smirk. 

“Yeah, that's my dick, sweetheart. Incredible how we, men, come equipped with these, I know. Wanna examine closer?” You scoff, now looking at his mask, which somehow conveyed how smug his expression was underneath it. The soldier’s pure white eyes stare intensely back at yours, sleazy and shameless.

While you investigate the room silently, you entertain the advances. “So how did a jack off like you get around working for X-Force?” you pry, to which Deadpool gives another groaning response, “For the last fucking time, I don’t work for those motherfuckers.”

The mask’s lenses narrow with irritated twinge, but you keep silent, standing your ground. Deadpool sighs deeply before admitting, “I got dumped, bitch. I’m in the stage of grief where you torture yourself by keeping terrible company and eventually, self-destruct. Next you should ask how that’s working out for me.” 

You take a long moment before reacting. “I think I know what that’s like.” you say quietly, biting your lip. Deadpool’s eyebrow raises under the mask. “Oh right, I’m kind of singing your life with my words, huh?” 

A weak laugh escapes your mouth as you keep scanning the room for small objects to pick locks, heavy or combustible items, anything. It was futile, you realized, the room was scraped bare and Deadpool’s eyes are locked in on you. 

Escape was just out of reach. 

 But you had one trump card, one desperate call. 

“Did you get dumped because you’re ugly? You seem pretty attached to that mask." You tease. The assassin let out a genuine laugh, one that made your gut flutter. “That’s probably part of it. But mostly because I’m a piece of shit lover and provider.”

"I was messing around, of course I can tell you're hot." you admitted, cheeks flushing. Deadpool made a sound like sounded between a grunt and a chuckle.

The suit’s curves and shadows displaying his cut physique left little to the imagination. The assassin’s beefy shoulders and back muscles emphasized how easily he could crush you. Inside the gloves, his hands are large with a firm grip. His thick thighs and ass tucked tightly into the seams of the suit, his waist dipping into a v-shape just above the bulge in his pants. 

Standing taller than 6ft, you wouldn't be surprised to see an olympic athlete underneath all the red and black. “Its the…” you gestured up and down his body “...voice. Really gives it away.” you joked. 

Deadpool shifts to sit forward in the chair, white eyes fixed intently on you. “Believe me, I know you're imagining a dreamboat under this mask, but the real deal is fucking nightmare inducing.” he warned, a tone of despair in his voice. 

“I'm not an easy scare.” you retaliate. Your heart is pounding against your ribcage with anticipation. You have no idea whether he's bluffing or not, but it wouldn't have mattered either way. 

He lets out a deep sigh as the lenses slowly close shut. Deadpool lowers his chin to his chest and starts to grip the mask from the back of his neck. “I don’t know who’s gonna regret this more, me or you.” 

“Stalling.” you accuse as you pick yourself up off the bench and wrap your fingers around the bars of the cell. You grip the metal hard, silently trying to soothe your own spiking nerves. 

His fingers peel the mask off slowly, the fabric wrinkling into his palm to expose a heavily scarred and welted scalp. He holds it still over his head for a moment, “It's not much better on this end… still stalling, I know.” Deadpool clears his throat loudly and straightens up a bit before taking his hand down from his face. 

He’s wearing a printout Hugh Jackman mask. 

Under the red mask, the textured skin persisted onto his entire face. Raised patches of tissue and broken capillaries covered the skin. Inflamed eyelids surrounded his deep, cocoa-colored eyes. His lips were swollen and cracked, and the assassin had suffered a good blow to the face by looks of the dried blood and violet bruising on his nose and corner of his mouth. 

It was a rough sight, no doubt, but his face retained the foundations of its original form. Wade’s features were symmetrical and… charming. His brow and his jaw lines were sharp, angular. The shapes of his mouth, eyes, and nose were the work of a painter. 

You could tell by his dejected expression how he feels fallen from grace. But in your eyes, the man in front of you looked as if he was built from a mountain- strong and towering with jagged edges, but also raw, unrefined beauty. Your guts lurched and twinged with warmth as you studied his body. 

Wade rises from the chair to step toward the cell, he stops in front of the bars and leans over, hands on his knees to hold himself up as he levels with you. “Who’s sick enough to fuck this mess?” 

The question rings in your ears, causing your thighs to squeeze themselves into each other instinctively as you feel a knot swelling in your groin. You gulp heavily, your body on fire as you fight back your nerves to reply, “Come find out?” 

Without giving a second thought, you let your dominant hand slip off the bar to reach through and cup his bulge. A low groan comes from Wade’s throat, which turns into a chuckle as he grins naughtily at you. You tuck your bottom lip between your teeth, batting your lashes softly in your best attempt at seduction. 

It works. 

Wade moves his hips forward and back to let your palm slip against his cloaked length. You can’t help but breathe out a small moan as you felt how hard he was under the suit. Wade straightens up and leans against the cell, one hand gripping a bar and the other still clutching his mask. 

He lets you keep feeling him up for a few moments, reeling in how soft your hand feels and your heavy, needy breaths before reaching for the zipper tucked into the seam. He tugs the tab to free his cock from the confines of the suit. It bobs out of the zipper in a rigid line, the tip shiny and pulsing. 

You gawk at the length, ribbed with veins and scars similar to the rest of his skin. Your fingers barely wrap all the way around him, but you stroke his cock earnestly. Wade’s breath hitches with each pump of your hand as he leans in to steady himself with his forearm against the cell. The two of you stay like that for a moment or so, droplets of steam accumulating on the walls, his little grunts and the quiet slapping of your hand against his meat filling the tiny space. 

Your insides burned with lust, nearly causing your weak knees to give out under you. Wade whipped his head to the door for a moment before hastily slipping his mask back over his head, leaving just his throbbing cock exposed. “Hah- we can make this work… just get down.”  

He put his free hand on top of your head, ruffling your hair and coaxing you to crouch onto your knees. Once you were eye level with his hips, Wade put both hands behind your head, lining your mouth up with his tip. You admired his cock for a moment, your hands holding the bars on either side of you before slipping your tongue from your lips to lick the end of it. 

Wade let out a low, raspy moan at the warm wetness of your mouth, pulling your head toward him to work his length deeper inside. His shaft twitched against your cheeks as you puckered your lips tight around it, sending chills down your spine and into your quivering cunt.

Your spit glistens over his length as he pulls it from your lips, only thrust his hips forward again, shoving it back in. Wet squelches come from the friction, loose locks of your hair messily fall around his hands as your throat takes its beating from Wade’s thick cock. 

The degrading position didn’t bother you much, your head hazy with pleasure from feeling his tip rubbing the back of your throat. You squirm and whine as he fucks your face through the bars, the icy metal pressed to your cheeks. 

After you’re slobbering and whimpering mindlessly, Wade stuck his arms through the bars, hauling you up and spinning you so your back is pressed against the cell. He used one hand to unclasp your belt buckle and the other to cover your mouth. “Not so loud, darling, as much as I love to hear you moan for me.” he muttered into your ear. 

He shuffles your pants down to your knees and traces the skin along your stomach and down your waist before slipping his fingers into your soaked folds. You shudder on his hand and throw your head back against the bars, the impact leaving a sting on your scalp. The assassin chuckles evilly into your ear and explores you further, running his fingers up and down your slick cunt, thumb rubbing your clit. 

You squeeze your eyes shut as the sudden pleasure shocks your nervous system. Warm ripples blow through your body as he finds his way deeper, tracing circles around your entrance. His hand falls from your face to find the inside of your thigh, which he lefts up to spread you wide open. 

Two fingers enter you, causing your body to coil at how they rub the ring of your cunt. You bite your lip hard to fight back making noise, but when Wade starts dragging them in and out of you, it’s almost too much to bear. Your walls flutter against his hand as the ridges of his fingers stroke your insides.

Deciding you’re ready for him, the assassin retracts from your dripping pussy and drops your thigh down, moving both his hands to grip your waist. He pulls your ass toward him, pressing it against the cold bars and sighing at the way your plump skin spills through. He lines his tip to your hole and your hand finds a bar behind you to hold your trembling body up while you use the other to cover your mouth. 

A deep, guttural moan comes through his mask as Wade pushes the tip inside the tight ring of your entrance. Your eyes roll back in response to the intrusion, but you can’t help but wiggle your hips against him. He lets out an amused laugh before teasing “Fuck, I love sluts like you. Shamelessly letting me know how bad you need it. Oh, don’t get so embarrassed now, you’re really enjoying this, huh?” 

He doesn’t let you clap back a response before thrusting his hips forward, which just made your brain short-circuit. He buried himself deeper and deeper into your walls until you were completely full of his rock-solid shaft. The pillowy tip nudged your womb, making you tremble and clench around him. He started to fuck you at a slow, painstaking pace. 

The drag of his hard length stroked your guts pleasurably, torturously. Muttered curses and grunts come from both of you as you try to stifle moans. Each bump of his firm cock hitting your sensitive spots earned little “Yeah”s and “Yes, please-”s from you, which made the masked assassin dizzy with feral need. 

His pace quickened, hips rocking forward, his hands gripping you to slam your ass against his stomach and the bars separating your bodies. “Owww,” you whine, the solid metal leaving pink, tender spots on your ass as Wade fucks you hard through the cell.

He ignores your winces and keeps his pace, masked head thrown back, white lenses flickering. The sharp pain from metal smacking you combined with burning ecstasy flooded your mind with twisted satisfaction. Desperate whines escape your lips as Wade’s bulging length beats your little cunt into a raw, hot, soaking mess. 

Your mouth watering in response to how good his cock is feeling inside you, your frame bounces back onto it with a steady rhythm. Wade’s resolve was breaking too, his moans growing rougher and louder. He shifts one hand up, tucking it under your shirt to palm one of your tits. He squeezes you, fingers tracing your nipple, causing you to gasp and squirm.

You almost completely lost yourself in having sex with him. Only when you feel yourself reaching your breaking point, does your mind refocus. But it’s too late, too hot, feeling too good, and the knot in your gut begins to unravel. You murmured a curse as you came hard on Wade’s cock, trying but failing to not to give yourself away.

Stars speckle your vision and waves of hot pleasure crash over your whole body as you writhe in his arms, plush walls coiling and spilling your juices around his shaft.

“Holy shit, did you just cum on me? Damn, that’s so fucking hot.” Wade breathes from behind you. You turn to sneer at him, thighs are still clenched around his cock. He keeps thrusting toward you, but you disconnect your body from his and walk farther into the cell without a word. 

Wade puts his forehead to a bar, grumbling. “Hey you, forgetting anything?” 

You keep away from the bars, pants remaining bunched up at your ankles. 

“I’m not sure that I have,” you respond with a coy grin. The mask’s lenses flip in a way that looks like an eyeroll and he starts “I know what you’re trying to pull here.” His cock pokes expectantly between bars, “Think you’ll get me to come in there with you, huh?” 

You shrug and let your arm slip under your shirt, reaching behind you to rub the back of your neck, which lets your tits fall free in front of you. “That depends on you, I guess. Is it worth it?” Wade swallows hard, but doesn't hesitate for long before producing a slim dagger from one of his holsters. 

Bingo. 

The assassin takes just a few moments to use the blade to lockpick the crude celldoor. It swings open with a metallic creak that makes you cringe with worry that it may be heard from outside, which was a stupid thought to have this far into your circumstances. 

Wade immediately peels the bottom of his mask over his mouth and scoops you up, perhaps partly to keep you restrained, but also so he could lean into locking his lips to yours. The kiss was deep, starved, and surprisingly really hot.

His busted mouth was tender and warm to the touch and his breath tasted sweet and salty, with a hint of iron. His lips and tongue work roughly against yours, drool welling up and spilling sloppily into the kiss.

When you pull away for air, Wade already has you straddling his lap, his thick shaft sliding between your folds. You moan into his mouth, fingers clutching his jawline as he pushes himself back inside your wet, sensitive hole.

You shift your hips up and down on him, knees scraping the concrete bench as you ride him. It’s only a few more moments before the tightness of your cunt and the smack of your bouncing ass sends him over the edge. You nearly pass up your moment as he delivers thick spurts of hot cum deep into you, cock throbbing and pulsing wildly. 

As the masked killer’s lenses were closed shut as a long, growling moan ripped from his throat. Your hands traveled silently around his waist, fingers clutching his pistols as you gave him one last enthralling kiss. He bucked his hips up into you involuntarily, making it even easier to slip them out of the holsters.

You smirk against Wade’s mouth before hopping off his lap, not bothering with fixing your pants and underwear dangling from one ankle until you break for the celldoor, flying through the bars and slamming the door shut behind you. 

Wade doesn’t get up from the bench, instead he just relaxes in the spot, where he shoots you a smug grin. “Worth it.” he tells you through the bars, unfazed and satisfied. You can’t help but giggle and exchange flirty glances as you fix your pants up over your hips. 

Serendipitously, the main door to the room bursts open and the officer on the other side stops dead in their tracks at the scene. The mutant, Deadpool, in the holding cell defenseless, swollen lips and dick exposed, and you the suspect, out of the cell holding two loaded pistols outward. 

Bullets fly as you scramble out of the building. You nearly empty the chambers while ducking, leaping, and crawling through every door, aiming for every moving target. It’s by complete dumb luck that you make it out the way you entered, running frantically back into the streets of the city, guns akimbo. 

Once in the first gas station you can find, you catch the attention of an innocent civilian through their car window, and use the pistols to threaten them out of the driver’s seat. You hop in to take their place and the car squeals in response to your aggressive movements, but you just spin the wheel and take off, burning rubber. 

The soft crackling of the radio static piques your ears, so you tune into the headline- Breaking news! X-Force mutant personnel sexually exploited and overpowered by an arrested suspect, more on that story tonight on- krsshhh! The static hisses sharply as you choose a different station. “He doesn’t work for X-Force,” you corrected, smiling to no one but yourself. The new station plays something dark and heavy, you turn the volume dial up and flatten your foot on the gas pedal, no particular direction in mind.

y’all set a date and the anticipation makes it hard to sleep. maybe you have a drink or a xanax to knock you out, or at least get you a little hazy before it happens. wade doesn’t give you an exact time, obviously. it’s gotta feel real. he wants you to panic, but you don’t. not for a while, at least. you just stare up at your ceiling, lying in wait for your boyfriend to come pretend-rape you. it’s agonizingly boring. time is at a standstill, but eventually, your sedative of choice kicks in. your thoughts slow down, your eyes start to get heavier, and you slooowly begin your descent into dreamland.

and that’s when the window shatters.

“BOO-YAH!!! DEADPOOL’S HERE TO DO YA!!!”

you’re startled awake by the sound of breaking glass. you don’t even hear, let alone process the cheesy line he drops on his way in. you’re just focused on the broken window. that was not pre-negotiated. you were expecting him to kick down the bedroom door. in hindsight, though, you should’ve seen this coming. wade’s always been a showman, and you have a tough act to follow.

“n-no! wh-?! what are you—?!” wade straddles your chest, pinning you to the bed while you struggle frantically beneath him. “hey! no! get off me! stop it! please!”

“hey, hey, shhh, shush, no, shush. it’s okay… you’re okay…” wade’s voice is soothing mockery. every word oozes snark when he speaks, but he sounds gentle. nurturing. he even strokes your cheek like a lover. tender. delicate. you’re precious to him. “listen, baby bear, the only thing i need is a warm hole to put my dick in, alright? that’s all i need. i’m really not asking for a lot, sweetheart, but if you wanna make this hard for me…” he taps his hopefully unloaded desert eagle pistol against your forehead, “then i’ll settle for a cold hole to put my dick in. so if i were you, i’d shut my little rape-whore mouth and do whatever the nice man with the gun asks me to.”

“do rapists give head? i dunno, i kinda feel like they wouldn’t. if i went down on you, would that be breaking character? ‘cause like, i really, really want to, but i don’t want to break the illusion for you or any—oh! wait a minute! i have a gun! a-DUH! silly me, i can do whatever i want with you!” he gestures to your legs, gun in hand, “spread ‘em, bitch.”

“hmm, what’s going on here? correct me if i’m wrong, but someone who’s crying ‘n-no please stop i don’t want this!’ shouldn’t be soaking wet. it’s kind of a contradiction, don’t you think? your mouth is saying no please don’t, but your cunt is saying ‘come on in! i warmed it up for ya!’ like a nice microwaved hot-pocket, all stuffed with meat. and i gotta tell ya, you are MUCH more fun than hot-pocket sex. third-degree dick burns. never again. that’s my sexual predator villain origin story.”

after you “unwillingly” cum in his mouth, he’ll kiss you to make you taste yourself, and when he pulls back, he says, “you’re not fooling anyone with those tears, by the way. we both know you enjoyed that. you’re welcome, by the way.” he spits in your face, thumbs the glob of spit into your mouth, and slaps you. you whimper like a kicked puppy. next he unzips the crotch of his red suit, freeing his bubble butt and his gorgeous cock, at the most inflamed you’ve ever seen it, and you haven’t even touched it yet. it scares you, even moreso when he says, “suck, not bite, suck. i’m not playing with you, gutter-slut. don’t try anything funny, because i won’t have to worry about teeth if i fuck your eye-socket instead.”

and his dirty talk only gets meaner once he’s inside you:

“ohlordjesuschristyahwehallahvishnuflyingspaghettimonstermotherFUCKER you are TIGHT!!! goddamn bear trap pussy… SO fucking tight… yeah… oh, yeah… you’re getting knocked up tonight. better clear your calendar for the next 9 months, li’l man! you and your schedule are gonna be FULL!”

“OOH~! oooh-hoo-hoo, hey, you wanna hear something funny? whenever you sob like that, you clench. and it feels amazing. keep it up, buttercup! i’m enjoying the waterworks. from BOTH ends.”