#deadcrush

Some days I think I’m ugly, some days I think I’m cute. But most days I’m complacent.

I wish I can go back to Fall 2010- start of senior year of high school. I wish I had the self knowledge and awareness I do now, and not wear the hijab. So I could be seen. So people can REALLY REALLY see me for who I am. No just a Muslim quirky black girl who wears XLarge hot topic band shirts, I know nothing about. LOL

If I didn’t wear the scarf then maybe, just maybe I would have the balls to profess my love for my middle school crush. Zach Gordon. He is the only truly guy I have really really like. Tbh. Even looking back at all the relationships I had (which isn’t many) and all the fleeting crushes, in the back of my mind I always liked him. And. Now I’m coming to realize that I loved him. I knew back then he was out of my league. I wasn’t the type of girl he would be seen with. But how would I know?

After graduation, I internally said my goodbyes and didn’t think of him. Until college. Yes. He appeared in intro to some college math class and my heart dropped out of my ASS. No lie. I’m like holy fucking shit. This can’t be real. But I was wear a fucking purple hijab wrapped around my fucking head, with a long sunflower purple dress and long sleeves. Like WTF. Come on!!!! I want to slap myself. We never crossed paths in that class.

Until… NEXT semester… he was in my Nutrition class. I’m like omg. Looking back, I felt the universe was slapping me in the face and saying HELLO, wake up, this is your fucking chance to actually speak to the guy snd form a friendship of some kind. But no. I was too busy in another dead in relationship with some stoner from my job. But I was sooooooo excited when our professor told us we had a group project and he was in my group. And we had EXCHANGE NUMBERS!!!!! I got Zach Gordon’s number! My Zach. From Holmes MS! It only took like 10 years but I got it.

*Sigh* nothing happened though. Turns out he was the slacker of the group and didn’t participate so I carried his weight, happily. I would do anything for him. Semesters over. I lost his number. The end. That was 2013-2012.

The last time I saw him(2015), I was driving by a shopping mall and there he was all muscle and those deep ass dimples. He was coming from the gym. Turns out he worked at the gym and what did your girl do? Yes, this girl got herself a membership. As I was filling out the forms and the staff was talking to me, I heard a voice. It was him. He was asking the staff member something. I looked up, and I immediately looked down. My face was burning. Palms sweaty. I stared at the writing on the gym application. Is this real life???. I looked back up, our eyes meet for a split second. I wanted to die. And then he walked away. I felt like a stalker lol. Not s crazy stalker but pathetic stalker. Girl, what are you doing? Why are you feening over some white boy who barleys knows your name and wouldn’t give you the time of day!?

So I walked out and never went back. I pushed him from my mind and hurried him in my memories. The longing and dreaming of him, making up romantic scenarios in my mind need to end.

It’s July 2018 and I’m scrolling Facebook, outside, smoking a jack and gasped. There is that face. That handsome face.I stopped breathing, my eyes glued to the screen, I think I didn’t breathe for 2 minutes. “Our Beloved Zachary Gordon”…..

His brother posted his obituary on Facebook. Everyone was shocked! I was shocked. I had no words.. I can’t remember how I felt but looking back, I did not process his death. I sorta kinda forgot about him until I saw this.