Today, I went with my little brother (19y/o) to help him with his two bigger dogs because they were getting their nails cut. I agree to this a week ago, because I thought we'd go to a Tractor Supply or a PetSmart.
It wasn't until I was sitting in the reception of a Veterinary Office, shaking like a leaf in a storm, that I caught on. By the time we were brought into a room with the dogs I was in tears, dissociating silently and not hearing anything that was being said.
See, in June 2024, I lost the love of my life. And yes, he was a dog. I adopted him in the summer of 2020, he was only 6 months old. We bonded instantly, and he then traveled with me when I moved by myself for medschool in México and afterwards to Arizona.
When I say we bonded, I mean we soul-bonded. I still consider him, to this day, my soulmate. Thanks to him, I was able to get through various depressive episodes, I moved my body more (took him on daily walks), and I felt overall happy with him in my life.
I took him to the vet for what I thought was anemia. Two iron shots, one course of steroids, a blood transfusion, two hospitalizations later, and countless vet visits in the span of 3 weeks, it was clear what the problem was. He got leukemia. And a couple of days later, I had to make the awful fucking decision of releasing him from his pain. All by myself, mind you.
That was a year and a half ago, and I thought that I wouldn't be triggered by things like vets. Boooy, I was wrong. I felt the same pain, grief and hollowness while waiting for my brothers dogs to get their nails cut than I did when my love was dying (assisted, in my hands with a vet and a tech present). Mi brother didn't know what to do with me. The vet and tech gave me weird looks (according to him) while I just sat there stock still drinking my tears silently but very obvious. And I can now say that I've had a ptsd-induced panic attack in a Veterinary Office, weirdest place so far for me.
And thus, my point of grief being a funny funny thing. I didn't mean ha-ha funny but, if you've made it through this, my point still stands.
Ps. Here's a pic of the love of my life:
