#dc hc

(Over the coms)

Batman: Alfred, what’s the update on the Arkham situation?

Alfred: *Ahem* Unfortunately sir, it is as they say- ‘we’re cooked’

Collective groans from Tim, Dick, and Jason over the coms

Batman: …Huh?

Jason: *muttering* I knew I should’ve stayed outa this one…

Damian: I don’t understand, what are we cooking?

Alfred: It’s giving ‘failure era’, sir-

Dick: Damn it!

Tim: We really are cooked

Damian: What does that -?

Alfred: It’s lowkey not-

Batman: In English Alfred. Please.

He immediately started making the most grossed out horrified noises the gang member he had tied up had ever heard, and Roy doubled over laughing, completely giving up the intimidation factor they had had going.

Sometimes he does the normal abduction thing and other times he has his methods.

Dick: Jason sneaks into Dick’s apartment in Blüdhaven at 3 AM, throws him over his shoulder, and drags him to his motorcycle. Dick wakes up mid-ride, half-conscious, groggily mumbling, "Jay, what the hell—?"

- Jason just shushes him and tosses a burger into his lap. "Shut up and eat, Goldie. We're bonding." (Jason, allowing his big brother to ruffle his hair? Nooooo, absolutely not...)

Tim: Jason straight-up drugs him asleep him when Tim refuses to take a break. He wakes up in Jason’s apartment with a cup of coffee and a sandwich waiting for him, while Jason sits on the couch reading a book.

- “You looked dead on your feet, Replacement. Either you napped willingly or I made you. Guess which one you picked.” (Jason totally doesn't rake a hand over his lil bro's hair during this time)

Steph: Jason knows Steph is a wild card when it comes to hanging out, so he has to be a little sneakier with her. He'd show up at her place unannounced, pretending to just be casually passing by, and in one smooth motion, he'd grab her and yank his little sister into his car or bike before she even realizes what's happening. (He totally doesn't do this in time with hard school, noooo)

Damian: Jason scoops him up mid-battle and just walks away with him. Damian kicks, bites, and yells, "UNHAND ME, TODD!" but Jason holds him like an angry kitten.

- They end up at a rooftop picnic with Alfred’s homemade food. Damian eventually eats while grumbling about Jason's “barbaric methods” but secretly enjoys the attention. (Jason maaayybe ruffles his hair a lot.)

Cass: She just lets it happen. Jason shows up, gestures toward his bike, and Cass just hops on without a word. They go on long road trips in comfortable silence, getting ice cream at 2 AM and scaring off criminals for fun. (Jason totally doesn't take the time to help her with her speech-)

Duke: Duke gets fake-napped. Jason tells him, "Be outside in five minutes," and when Duke says no, Jason still shows up, grabs him, and hauls him into a car.

- Duke just sighs and texts Bruce: "Jason's 'kidnapping' me again. Back later." (Jason totally doesn't get the names of school bullies from him and uses them, noooooooo)

Bruce knows this happens. He just sighs and lets it happen because, honestly? It’s Jason’s way of showing love. And at least the kids are getting along.

Jason kidnaps his siblings because it's his way of saying, "You're important to me, and I'm gonna drag you into ridiculous situations whether you like it or not."

He also, however, does it to Bruce.

In fact, it might be one of his favorite things to do, just because Bruce is always so serious and “responsible.”

Jason thinks it’s hilarious to force Bruce to take a break. He just shows up at the Batcave, probably with some kind of overly complicated plan to "kidnap" Bruce without him realizing.

Step 1: Jason would distract Alfred with a "Oh, just a quick check-in, you know, 'cause it’s been a while.’"

Step 2: He would wait for Bruce to get fully immersed in some case files and then sneak up behind him, tap him on the shoulder, and when Bruce turns around, Jason’s already got him in a headlock, pulling him out of the chair like, "Get up, old man. We're going to a diner. No arguments."

Bruce would protest, of course. He'd probably try to get out of it with his usual grumpy “I’m too busy” routine. Jason might fake-sigh and act like he's just trying to help Bruce loosen up, reminding him, "I know you think you’re invincible, but you still need to eat, Batman."

And if Bruce insists on not going, Jason would just drag him anyway. He might even grab the Batmobile for a joyride (he's always wanted to), making Bruce sit shotgun while Jason drives like an absolute maniac (Jokes on both because Bruce taught him to drive-)

Bruce would probably be scowling the whole time, but Jason would know his dad is secretly enjoying it, even if he won't admit it.

Eventually, Bruce would probably give in and get his grumpy little “dad” lecture—“You’re so reckless, Jason—” but Jason would just smile and be like, "Whatever. You’re welcome.”

and Bruce is so confused cause this smart dumbass has gotten so used to being called Mom and Mama Duck that he forgot it’s weird to the hets

YES 👍 This exactly! Batman’s maternal instinct has the whole JL acting crazy.

Batman being THE mother hen, the robins tailing after Batman on patrol like ducklings!

Like Alfred will come down to the cave with some tea and find Bruce asleep underneath the car, having fallen asleep while fixing it.

During a league meeting, Clark realises Bruce has fallen asleep, still sitting upright in his chair, and has to quietly shuffle everyone out of the room so they don't wake him.

Or perhaps the moment he's solved and dealt with a case, the adrenaline runs off and the days of sleep deprivation comes all at once to humble him.

On one occasion, Jason walks into a safe house he hasn't used in months and finds Bruce crashing on his sofa because he just finished a case that kept him up for a week straight, and was so desperate for rest, he invaded Jason's privacy, instead of driving home, because the safe house was closer.

More than once he's fallen asleep in the car to and/or from patrol. In fact he's done it so many times, they've had to program the autopilot to sense the difference between him falling asleep and passing out from blood loss, just so Alfred doesn't prep the whole med bay or divert the car to Leslie when Bruce is simply asleep.

All of the other bat kids watch as Bruce, again and again, gives Tim whatever he asks for. It doesn't matter how ridiculous, expensive, or illogical it is. If Tim asks, Tim receives.

The other kids have tried to see if Bruce would do the same for them. If there's a logical or necessary use for it, Bruce automatically pays for it. He will buy art supplies, new gear, repairs, equipment, etc. He supports their hobbies (particularly outside of vigilantism) and their needs.

But the stuff Tim asks for? Tim will straight up request for bombs, money to bribe people, weapons/gear he doesn't need, etc. He always receives them.

The other kids? Bruce will interrogate them. "Why do you need that?" "What are you going to use it for?" "You already have three perfectly working ones."

And this annoys the other kids to no end. Why is Tim the favorite? Why does Tim always get what he wants?

Eventually, the batkids manage to squeeze the truth out of Bruce:

It's not favoritism. It's guilt.