#dayastral

1. Fall Away by Felix Hagan and the Family

What could I say to the face in the dark, should I speak of the nightmare that will soon come to pass? / Or leave him forever to dance in the past, a memory to keep in a box / And pray that it never gets lost

Kicking this one off with a song from Lex! The way the opening chords sound so much like the opening chords to "Rivers and Roads", which opens Daykez bad end ... it's fucking symbolism to me. Day was made to get divorced.

And then right after that, the the first lines being "Hello, old friend, I haven't been home in a while." I don't think I should have to explain it to you. Twenty-five years. Twenty. Five. Years. RUAGH

More seriously, it's also, in some ways, a sculpting song to me. It's about memory and possibility and the blurring between future and past and present and about holding on to to the precious parts and for a moment ignoring all the pain that comes with living and knowing that change is inevitable and also knowing that no one ever really changes and we're still the same people we used to be years ago when we loved each other purely and -

2. Touch by Shura

I wanna touch you but it's too late / I wanna touch you but there's history / I can't believe that it's been three years / Now when I see you it's so bittersweet / There's a love between us still but something's changed and I don't know why

This is the song on this playlist that I have the least to say about, but it was also one of the first ones I threw on. It's for those few months after sculpting as that final fight was brewing, where Day just didn't feel right with Astral anymore, as much as he really desperately wanted to. Where he was coming to terms with the fact that, even though he wanted it more than ever, he couldn't just stay here with her in their home plane. The thing that really that clinched putting this song on the playlist for me was looking at the timeline and realizing that their second divorce fight was (give or take a few months) in fact! 3 years since they got back together (just under 2 years with the call, just over 1 year for sculpting).

3. Bodies Keep Warm by Native Culture

And I can hear the demons haunting us, how we've made our bed in hell / How can I hold you like I want to when I can't even hold myself together, myself / Our bodies keep warm, but our hearts have grown so cold

Great thanks to Bekah and the Rallie playlist. The Day/Rans parallels are still so real to me.

It's simply a good falling out of love song to begin with, but the part in the highlighted lyrics really sticks out to me with regards to Astral immediately post sculpting. She was still so lost trying to figure out who she even was amongst all the memories of her past lives, and then Day starts going, and she can't follow. Physically, it's not 6 months yet, the Aegis wouldn't let her, and mentally, she doesn't know her own ground enough to stand on it and grab hold of him and pull. So he just ... slips through her fingers.

4. Goddamn Shame by Delta Rae

And I don't care about god, don't believe in the stars, I don't see any angels / I just want you back in my arms / So does everything happen for a reason? / Or is everything that's happened just a goddamn shame? / I don't know who I am without you

The first of two songs off this Delta Rae divorce-core album on this playlist. I like it a lot. I mean, it's got everything!

It's bittersweet belting, it's reminiscing about a past love you'll never get back, it's got unhealthily desperate devotion, it's got subtle nods to having killed god, it's got subtle nods to the narrative's influence, it's got the line "Ever since you said that you were leaving, I've been trying to remember who I was before you said my name".

The entire thing is just SO Astral reeling in the aftermath of Day ruining her re-naming party before walking out of the Aegis for good and trying to figure out what the fuck to do now that she's lost the person that was supposed to be there as a rock to help her define who she even is now.

5. Crown of Love by Arcade Fire

The only thing that you keep changin' is your name / My love keeps growing all the same, just like a cancer / And you won't give me a straight answer / If you still love me, please forgive me / The crown of love is falling from me

This entire song makes me want to rip my skin off my bones so I can chew on them a little bit. It's so. Hopeless. Bitter. I want to love you so bad, and I do love you, but I also just fucking can't, okay, I can't, and I don't. This is very much Day in the aftermath, in Vigil, stewing in his own regrets and talking himself into thinking he's done the right thing exactly as much as he's convinced he's going to regret this forever.

Brief shout out to "I carved your name across my eyelids, you pray for rain, I pray for blindness" for just being a baller line also.

And then, of COURSE, we can't forget the tag at the end. The sudden shift to the upbeat music. The return of the name imagery with "You gotta be the one, you gotta be the way, your name is the only word that I can say". The hope and love that's still there after ALL of that. We came back to each other the first time. I believe we'll do it again. Just ... on the scale of centuries.

6. Pyramids of Salt (Live) by The Wonder Years

There's a bird inside your rib cage, he screams so I never forget / I wanna break open your sternum, I wanna rip him from his nest / And sow you back up like a garden, growing flowers in your chest / There's a bird inside your rib cage I keep trying to forget

THE SONG OF THE WHOLE ENTIRE PLAYLIST. DAYASTRAL SONG OF ALL TIME. THE WONDER YEARS YOU HAVE FUCKING DONE IT.

If the last one was Day unable to decide if he was still in love or not, this one's Astral's POV. She's aware of him in distant, infrequent flashes through the link ("saw you hiding in the ivy"), and knows both through that and also just. Because she Knows Day, more than anyone, that he's fucking miserable and "you think that it's your fault".

And even so, she kind of feels like he should be miserable. Because it is kind of his fault. Yeah she said things, but she said things too. That's the second verse, pulled out as selected lyrics. Which hit hard enough on their own, but then!!! Remember that Break put Day's godpiece in his chest behind his sternum and -

Then there's the bridge "I love you, and I'm sorry, and I understand if you blame me, I'm hopeless, and you're drowning, and I'm beating at the water here so desperately" - that one honestly goes both ways. They both know they're at fault, even if they won't quite say it out loud yet, and they know they're worse off alone and it's killing them, but they also just can't Get to each other to save each other from it.

I also NEED to point out that I specifically selected the live version of this song because!!!!! The chorus. That beautiful beautiful chorus. Has slightly different words. The original line is "I drew a line in the sand with these worthless fucking hands" which is raw, and violent, and angry, all things that Astral could quite rightfully be feeling.

But the line in the live version instead says "worthless tired hands" which feels so much truer to her. The frustration fades fast with her. But the exhaustion, the weariness of having to fight - with Day, yes, but also with the Aegis, to inch along any measure of change, and for mortals every day - she's just TIRED. She wants one line. She wants one small mark to keep her distance, keep her safe, let her rest and her heart heal for a moment. And Day just strikes it out and walks away and leaves her alone there as the tide is rising higher and higher and she's got no choice but to swim on her own and wait for it to come back down eventually and hope she can keep swimming long enough.

7. Never Coming Back by Delta Rae

I did everything I could think of / To make you not want to leave me, crying / But you ain't ever coming back, trail's gone cold, can't follow the tracks / Oh you ain't ever coming back for me / Now I'm running in the wind, wishing I could hold your hand again / But no, you ain't ever coming back for me / But oh, a girl can dream

So fun fact, this and the other Delta Rae song are back to back on their original album. Haha. Wonder why.

Anyways. This is very Astral missing Day for all those years, thinking over and over the things she said and still can't quite remember, because her mind hadn't settled yet, and wondering if she'd done something different would Day have stayed? Or at least come back sooner? She knows he's not dead, she gets links every now and then, but they're growing less frequent, and shorter, and cloudier, he's slipping away from her, and god, she wouldn't want to admit it, but maybe he's really not ever coming back.

The closing lines being "The summer breeze is dying now, just like the boys who taught us how to love, but I don't talk about you much" are soooo. to me too. Like thinking about Astral (and honestly, the entire rest of the Aegis) just watching that explosion slowly burn out and the smoke clearing and then when Day doesn't come back and doesn't come back and doesn't come back just ... slowly stopping talking about them. Their name starting to slip out of the lexicon. Their memories falling to the back of the hivemind. Think about it and get crazy with me.

8. One For The Boy by Hot Mulligan

Hey, you said it wouldn't make a difference whether we could be together or not / Stay home, stay home / Wanted to keep you but feel it's likely you didn't share my resolve / Hey, I feel us growing apart, could we just talk or is now not the right time? / Stay home, stay home, sway in the smoke / There's no one left to let me know you'll be fine

To Kez, From Astral, With Love.

(AKA this song is the EP opener that's actually a follow up to the EP closer, which I put on Daykez bad end, and it's here because it's about how the ghost of Kez - who isn't even dead yet - has haunted Day and Astral's relationship since before Astral was even born, and how Day isn't the only one who loved Kez, how Day isn't the only one who misses Kez, but how Day's big brash explosive detachment means he's the only one who still has a real chance at seeing them, how there's no easy way for Astral to know how Kez is doing, if they'll be fine)

9. Lemon by Kenshi Yonezu

Modoranai shiawase ga aru koto wo / Saigo ni anata ga oshiete kureta / Iezuni kakushiteita kurai kako mo / Anata ga inakya eien ni kurai mama That there is happiness that doesn't come back / Is the last thing you taught me before you left / The unspoken and hidden dark past / Would have stayed dark if not for meeting you

(full English translated lyrics here)

This is a song I've loved for years and years. I'm baring my Critrole roots to you all, but this was originally a Nott/Jester song to me, about them knowing that breaking up was the only way for them to end, and that the pain hurts like a bitch, but that the love they shared was still meaningful, and they don't regret having had it.

Anyways bringing that energy now to Dayastral, and doubling down on it bc of the light imagery in both their names (sun, star) that shows up in the chorus - "mune ni nokori hanarenai nigai remon no nioi / ima demo anata wa watashi no hikari // in my heart the bitter smell of lemon doesn't come out / even now, you're my light".

This is a song for like like. 10. 15. 20 year marks. When the time's been far too long for them to think it'll just blow over. And also long enough for the sting to fade and the scars to heal and the beauty of what it was they had to peek back through. Bittersweet memories of a love that still lingers, even through all the hurt it brought to lose it.

10. As We Move Forward by The Family Crest

And here I'll always be, oh dear, when you cry for me / And please recall my love, that you're the only one I love / And as the days move on dear, they never go / As we move forward with an open heart / We look backwards searching for the start

I hemmed and hawed on this playlist for the LONGEST time. I had it "finished" months ago, but I just wasn't happy with it. It didn't feel right. Something was missing. Then a few weeks ago I was struck with a realization.

Daybreak has 3 Family Crest songs on it. Dayastral bad end (that doesn't exist) has 2. And this playlist had NONE. It was truly an affront to the fact that they wrote literally every song about these two immortal wives.

I needed more songs that really served the vibe of healing in the time apart, of distance making the heart grow fonder and all that. Not exactly a song for the active choice to come back and make good on it (which was the song that this one replaced, A Ship That Shared Your Name by Burn the Ballroom, it's quite good still, but had to get chopped). But a song for the knowledge that they and their love can and will grow past this. Eventually. When they're ready for it. And boy does this song deliver.

10. Mineshaft II by Dessa

Hoping we could trade, just for tonight / Like I could borrow your heart and I could leave you mine / It's not much for collateral, tattered and battle scarred / But I can promise you solemn that I'll be back for it tomorrow / I only need it for this evening so I can call an old friend and tell him that we're finally even, finally even

Courtesy of Morgan. It's such a specific song and yet it still works so well.

"You've already been here before, you already know how it goes" It's not the first time they've spit venom and left each other; "You chose this, you know it's supposed to be over" SUPPOSED! SUPPOSED! AND YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They fell in love centuries ago. They've been without each other for decades. And in all that time they've grown and been rebuilt and changed and hardened and there's rightful bitterness and justified hurt in droves. Sorry won't be easy to say, or to hear.

But also, that tenderness is still inside them somewhere. Some old body, who was sculpted from softer clay with gentler hands, who hadn't been hurt yet. Some version who was loved fully and entirely and well. If they're willing to go look for that version of themselves, they know for sure they'll be able to say "I forgive you" and mean it.

12. Francesca by Hozier

It was too soon when that part of you was ripped away / A grip takin' hold like a cancer that grows / Each piece of your body that it takes / Though I know my heart would break / I'd tell them "put me back in it, I would do it again" / "If I could hold you for a minute, I'd go through it again"

Seeing this song live broke me in many ways and also convinced me that it needed to be on this playlist. (It replaced a different Hozier song. It was Shrike. Which is Dayastral, don't get me wrong, but) This one fucks harder, and also is more. Well, I don't want to call it happy, really? Or hopeful? Because it's about like "I'm going to damn myself to hell and torment for you over and over and over, I don't care".

But it's at a point where the love is welcomed along with the pain, rather than Shrike which is like. I missed my shot. Sad :((( We already had enough songs on this playlist about missing it and thinking it's over and that was all we were gonna get. I wanted something that was like "yeah, it hurts to love you, and I won't stop". Francesca is that.

Bonus points for the selected lyrics section being specifically about the moment of Break's death, that truly unique, next level pain of getting torn apart between planes, and how she would do it over and over and over for Day and Kez and Arthur Callie Thorn the material plane every plane every mortal everyone. And how Day knows this about her, and even though it pains him to watch it happen to her, he loves her for it, not in spite of it, and he'll go through losing her again and again because it means it's still the woman he fell for every time.

Double bonus points for the last song ending with "you know it's supposed to be over" and this song opening with "did you think i'd give up?". Makes me sick and crazy.

Also the song's about characters from the Divine Comedy which surely has zero implications about narratives or being doomed by them. :)

13. Two Slow Dancers by Mitski

And the ground has been slowly pulling us back down / You see it on both our skin / We get a few years and then it wants us back / It would be a hundred times easier if we were young again / But as it is, and it is / To think that we could stay the same / We're two slow dancers, last ones out

If Pyramids of Salt is the Song TM of the playlist, this is the second Song TM. It's so mournful and loving and nostalgic and aged all at the same time. Day and Break were made for each other. They will keep coming back to each other, no matter how much they change or how far they go. They may only get a few good years each time, before they die, before they have to get remade and they have to fall all over again, but its worth it. Every time, its worth it. It's all they have.

14. Clarinet Concerto in A Major 622 by Mozart, performed by Music Lab Collective

[instrumental]

Ok. 14 songs on Daybreak, 14 songs here. Closing instrumental on Daybreak, closing instrumental here. They match on purpose.

I spent a very long time searching for an instrumental that worked here. I looked at the other trombone suites off the album from Daybreak, nothing fit. I looked for other cello pieces to match the opening instrumental on Daybreak, no dice there either. Nothing felt quite right. But this song is quite special to me and the second I thought of it, it felt like it fit.

It's a shortened version of the full piece, which is the score to one of my favorite dances of all time. Duet from Concerto Six Twenty-Two by Lar Lubovitch (linked on youtube, please watch it). This dance was first choreographed in 1985, in the middle of the AIDS crisis, and premiered at one of the biggest dance companies in the US and the world (ABT) in 1991. It's a duet between two men - something entirely unheard of in classical ballet (like ABT was known for) and still not the most common in more contemporary works. Even in those works, seeing male/male pairings was often a show of strength and power, with them bare-chested and sweat-glistened, climbing on each other and picking each other up in insane lifts and poses, full of very fast and angular kinds of movements.

Six Twenty-Two is calm. It's gentle, and resting. It plays on the visuals of curves and circles, giving a steady feeling of rocking, and repeats bits of choreography from beginning to end to suggest an eternal cyclical nature. The men lay on each other, hold each other tenderly. Catch each other when they fall and cushion the descent with their arms. It's undeniably caring and soft, and to me, it's an incredibly strong statement on the enduring and healing nature of queer love.