#dauntless cake

Two rows lower all my friends – or former friends now – stared at me, expressions contorted in various stages of shock, the joy from moments before vanished into nothingness.

 It only took the split-second in which I had raised my head to take in the train wreck that was my former life, and I quickly averted my eyes, my whole body numb. Staring at the floor, I cynically realized that it was exactly what people would expect from me from now on. To look away first, to fade into the background.

 Taking a hesitant step forward, I was met by restrained, polite applause from my new faction, almost being drowned out from the rising whispers and outraged murmurs from my old one and for the first time in my life, all self-confidence vanished into thin air, leaving me without the hard shell dauntless life had given me. Right now, disappearing didn’t sound so bad after all.

 Trying not to let it bother me, I picked up my pace slightly to make room for the next one to choose when a movement to my left made me turn my head. I met a pair of grey eyes, chilling me to the core and my steps faltered, slowing down. They spoke of betrayal so deep it wasn’t comprehensible for anyone but the two of us. To everyone else, his anger was aimed at the fact that I was leaving the faction he deemed best, a failure of him as a leader.

But I knew better.

I had broken his trust, the one thing he rarely showed in people or systems, something that wasn’t given freely, it was acquired through hours of grueling and sweat filled work. A gift only given to people he deemed worthy, people who had a place in his life.

But it wasn’t just his trust that I broke. With that one look, I knew he had also lost every ounce of respect he used to have for me. Respect I had earned me in countless hours of suffering through his training until I could defeat even men twice my size.

I didn’t know which loss was worse, that he would never again tell me his secrets or that he couldn’t even look at me anymore without knowing that I was unworthy.

 Everything we´ve had carefully build over the last year, the relationship I had groomed, every argument, every moment of stolen passion, every stolen kiss and every word of affection I had wrestled from his unwilling heart withering away over the fact I was the one who left, who betrayed him.

I was to blame.

If he did this to me, just up and leave with no word of warning, I would despise him with my innermost being, so how was I supposed to harbor any resentment when he felt the same way I would, too?

I wish, I had an answer. Maybe it would have made it a little less hard to rip my eyes from his and walk away, praying that the grey that was engulfing me now would swallow me whole, that the act of selflessness would somehow balance out the hurt I had brought over the people I loved most.

That my sacrifice wasn’t pointless.

That I would not become my own undoing.

 I watched numb, from the other side of the room how Max and Eric concluded the ceremony, all too aware of the resentful stares burning through my body, doing my best to keep my gaze to the floor, only raising my head when the dauntless started to swarm out, footsteps thundering through the whole building.

Making eye contact with Macy whose face was full of despair, questioning why I had left her, all of them, I could only shoot her an apologetic look, eyes begging, trying to lay down all my feelings to her without having to speak them out loud. When she just shook her head, jogging out of the room without sparing me another glance a little piece inside of me died, knowing I had just been shunned by another person I considered a member of my family.

 My real family had disappeared amid the other members, not giving me the chance for a last goodbye. It almost made me tear up but when I spotted a last fleck of black, the longing drove everything else away.

Eric was still standing on the stage, having pushed over the basket with the knives, now bending down to pick them up. Startled, I watched him, knowing he normally would never even bother to apologize, nevertheless actually help when there were stiffs around.

While I was frozen in place, two grey´s rushed forwards and knelt down to help him, not even hesitating the slightest. Straightening up to his whole height, Eric´s eyes found mine pinning me to the seat I was still sitting on before swiveling to the door where the last speck black disappeared into the stairway moments ago. Slightly shaking his head, he turned on his heels, storming through the room where the rest of the factions just started to stir.

I watched him go, my heart begging me, screaming at me to just get up and follow him. To go home and bury myself under his silk sheets and forget the rest of the world.

Just the two of us, forever.

 Before I could do something stupid, like running after him, a grey blur appeared in my line of vision and I looked up, startled by the sudden arrival of the woman in front of me. She was smiling down at me softly, her brown hair pulled up in the obligatory tight bun, clothes the grey, baggy style that was usual for abnegation.

She seemed content with who she was, her appearance gentle, welcoming.

But taking a closer look, I noticed the small, tense lines around her mouth and suddenly I remembered that she had been the woman with the two children who had deflected, most likely their mother. I found myself wondering if she resented them like my mother me or if there was no place for ill-feelings at Abnegation.

 “Casey, right?” She asked, smiling down at me when I nodded hesitantly. “Good. Come on, it´s time for us to leave.”

 Looking around the room, I realized that almost everyone besides abnegation had already left, Jeanine Matthews who´s stony eyes rested on my form, making my skin crawl, walking through the double doors as the last erudite.

Getting up, I tried to blend out every overwhelming emotion I was feeling and wiped my clammy hands on my jeans, giving the woman a tight, absentminded smile. Clasping her hands in front of her she asked me to follow her as she led me towards a group of people seemingly my age, most likely the other initiates.

 There were only seven of them, eight if you included me, and only three of them girls. All wearing grey except one in red, making me realize with shock that I was the odd one out, coming from a faction which such different ideals that I had no idea what to do. I hadn’t exactly gotten a briefing in stiff 101.

Fuck.

 My forced smile slowly crumbled when none of them even looked at me, only the amity whose face was being split in two by an excited grin raising his hand to wave at me. Seeing me coming closer he suddenly engulfed me in a giant bear hug, squeezing me tightly against him.

My eyes bulged out, neither having anticipated his taught muscles nor his bold move I almost took him out when I caught the eyes of the woman trying to suppress her smile, stopping my defense attack in the last second.

“Goodness, I´m so happy that I´m not the only transfer. We´re going to have so much fun.” He exclaimed, not letting me go even though I was as stiff as a board in his arms. “My name´s Benjamin, who are you?”

 "Casey," I muttered, contemplating non-violent ways to get him off me when a throat behind us was cleared. Taking the hint to my surprise, Benjamin let go and I turned towards the person making himself noticeable, slightly tensing when I came face-to-face with Marcus Eaton. He was smiling, but the hint of disapproval gleaming behind his dark blue eyes wasn’t lost on me and suddenly I knew why.

 “It´s such a pleasure to have a new initiate from a faction whose values stray so far away from ours,” He started, his smile turning condescending. “but please refrain from such open displays of affection. Touch is the most intimate part of human relations and therefore something that is to be treasured, not given away freely. Or it wouldn’t be something so powerful, don´t you think?”

Marcus eyes never left me while he spoke, completely disregarding that it was the tree huggers fault and not mine.

 Furrowing my brow, I almost started arguing with him. If body contact is something so important and cherished in their faction, why not use it to show your affection more freely? If it means so much to them they should practice it more, simple as that.

I opened my mouth, almost telling him exactly that, and that I wasn´t even the one who started it but I realized last moment where I was, who he was, and lowered my gaze, simply nodding. “Of course, sir.”

 Marcus nodded, seemingly satisfied before gesturing towards the door in a sweeping motion. “Then why don´t we go catch the bus?” His gaze still rested solely on me, most likely because no one of the others looked him in the eye. “For today, a few selected have volunteered to stay back and clean the hub so we can take you home and get you acquainted with everything.”

 Holding back a snort, I followed him and the woman while everyone else bustled around, starting to tidy up the already clean room.

 Of course, they did.

The bus ride was cramped and hot, all abnegation standing, offering their seats to the few candor and erudite who didn’t even bother to tell them thanks. For it being my first time on one, I knew from the moment it started moving that I preferred trains, especially when the bus driver swayed the steering wheel to the far right to get around a pothole, jostling us all around. Even I with my relatively good balance almost landed on the lap of an older candor woman who shot me an evil glare in return.

When the vehicle finally stopped to let us off, I was so relieved I almost ran outside but leveled myself, the other abnegation taking their sweet time, wanting to let each other out before going themselves.

I secretly rolled my eyes at them, asking myself how they even functioned as a faction when they weren’t even able to get off a bus.

 When they finally managed, I wasn’t surprised to find that we had to walk another ten minutes to even get to the abnegation sector, the closest station being in the middle of the factionless district. The closest I had been to the grey cluster of small buildings was when we accompanied patrol rounds, checking out potential jobs, or the one time, Uriah thought it would be a good idea to come here in the middle of the night, ´ to check out the perimeter´.

We almost got shot by a patrolling dauntless who mistook us for factionless trying to break into abnegation. Luckily, Eric had chosen that exact day to check up on his soldiers and stumbled upon the scene, immediately ordering the guy to put down his weapon when he saw me standing beside Uri.

I had never been so happy to see him then and there, but when his face became illuminated by the headlights of the truck I almost pissed myself. The murderous glint in his eyes only grew stronger the closer he came, for once not even trying to contain his rage as he stalked towards us like a predator his prey.

He reached us and just knocked Uriah out cold with one punch, giving him a concussion that lasted a week. When he turned towards me, I tightly shut my eyes, shrinking back and preparing myself for my turn. But he just ordered me to get into the truck, gripped my arm pulling me behind him, tossed Uriah in the back and drove us back in stifling silence.

At dauntless he then dragged me up into his flat, leaving Uriah to wake up and find the way to the infirmary on his own while I feared for my life. Sitting me down on his couch, he ignored me for intimidation purposes for at least half-an-hour before leaning back in his seat giving me two options.

Either he would call my brother and let him handle my punishment… or he would spank me.

 Not taking his threat serious, I let out an airy laugh that faded the moment I met his stony gaze, only now realizing that it wasn’t some kind of a bad joke. Telling him hell no, I got up from my seat to make my point clear but when he reached for his phone, my reserve faltered knowing that my brother would kill me for being out so late and so far away from the compound. After disposing of my body, he then would march to the infirmary and kill Uriah just because he´s a boy who I was alone with.

I will never forget the smirk pulling up Eric´s lip when I begrudgingly told him I would do anything if he wouldn’t call my brother, just like the feeling of his hands caressing my ass as I lay over his lap before they came down harshly.

 After he delivered so many hits that I couldn’t sit on my bruised flesh for over a week, I had fled his apartment with a tear stricken face, avoiding him straight for over a month. But I couldn’t shake the feeling of his broad hands running over my back, shushing me whenever I let out a squeak after an especially painful slap.

Those fantasies, the dreams of him touching me got so bad that one night I couldn’t take it anymore. After even the ministrations of the guy I was meeting casually didn’t do anything anymore for me, I headed down to the bar where I knew he´d be after a long night at the office, my brother being away to make sure the patrol officers at the fence would do their job.

 Strategically placing myself on a barstool in his line of vision, the tiny fabric of the dress that didn’t deserve its name riding up, I ordered a drink. I didn’t have to wait long for Eric to come up to me, hot breath brushing over the bare skin on my neck, as he took a seat beside me, hand possessively resting on the low of my back.

The predatory look on his face told me enough. I didn’t even have time to smirk into my glass before he pulled me up, discreetly pushing me through the crowd towards the exit.

 Taking my hand, he pulled me through the hallways until he found an empty room that was sorely used for strategy meetings, opening it with his clearance card. I hadn’t even taken two steps before he was on me, pushing me up against the wall, growling against my mouth, bunching up my dress until there was no longer a barrier in his way.

Sweeping the papers and maps from the table, he laid me down surprisingly gentle, latching his mouth onto my neck before ravishing me in every way possible.

 After this night I knew, there was no one else for me, the things his touch could do to me eliciting a pleasure I didn’t knew was possible, something so purely physical suddenly becoming emotional, building up a bond that couldn’t be broken.

Or so I thought.

 The smile on my face faded as I remembered the anger in his eyes, speaking of ultimate betrayal. Lowering my head, a heavy weight on my chest, I was startled to find that we already arrived in front of the abnegation headquarters, a grey one-story building where they held assemblies of all sorts, being the governing faction.

A woman in front of me opened the door, holding it until the other initiates and I had stepped into the plain foyer that was filled with members in grey, all keeping their head low to not draw any attention to themselves. Wide eyed I took them in, my brain being under-stimulated by the sheer dullness. I was used to rambunctious laughter and eyes that met head on, daring you to start something you might not be able to finish, not to everyone trying to vanish into thin air.

Here it was so… dull, lifeless.

 There was a sense of belonging, certainly, but I couldn’t help but feel somehow small, as if my life had lost all its sense, the lack of joy for their own existence slowly sweeping into my still black dressed body, my dauntless uniform being the last shield I had to withstand the onslaught of… nothingness.

This, this is living and breathing, nothing more. Oblivion of people who were not yet dead.

 And now, I was one of them.

It had been quite late when we arrived at the headquarters and the senior members rushed to prepare a meal for us, but not before making sure we all understood that it was a one-time thing. From tomorrow on, we´d have to do everything ourselves.

All the adrenalin rushing through my body had suppressed my appetite but now, away from all the stress of the ceremony, I found myself becoming quite hungry. I would about kill for a piece of cake, or fight Four, whichever was easier.

 But before the food was finished, there were things to do as the woman from the ceremony kindly told us, leading the girls away further towards the back of the building, while the male initiates were taken in the opposite direction by another member. The hallway was just as dull as the rest of the building but had an abandoned feel to it, as if it wasn’t used regularly. I guessed it was only for the initiates.

When the woman, who introduced herself to us as Natalie Prior, opened the door toward the girl dormitories, I knew I had been right, the hinge screeching awfully. She told us to change into the clothes someone had laid onto our beds before stepping outside, the last whiff of friendliness disappearing with her.

 Taking in the room, I walked towards the bed farthest away from the door right beside the only window, knowing it would be the best place to defend myself before catching up on my unconscious thoughts. I closed my eyes and shook my head, chasing them away. Who would attack me here at abnegation? It was just habits speaking, a muscle memory to search the easiest way out if fighting wasn’t a solution.

 The walls were grey and the beds singles, minimalistic with a flat pillow and a thin blanket. Grimacing to myself, I was thankful that it was summer, otherwise, this would have never kept me warm. The only other thing on the bed was a small pile of clothes, consisting of two dresses, a cardigan, one jacket, high stockings, simple cut underwear and one pair of shoes standing on the floor.

Holding one of the baggy dresses up, I raised my eyebrow, turning towards the other girls.

“That´s it?”

 Startled that I had spoken, the two further away froze but the only one who looked up was the girl in the bed beside mine. Her hair was blonde and she had a mole above her left eyebrow, paired with the square jaw she could have almost been pretty if the grey hadn’t sucked away all her color.

Nodding her head, she opened the clasp of her shoe. “We don´t need more than what´s necessary, it is considered selfish when there are people out there who need it more desperately than we do.”

 Her explanation was so typical abnegation that I wanted to roll my eyes but since she had been the only one who even bothered to answer me I gave her a tight smile. “Thanks.” Walking over to her, I held out my hand. “I´m Casey.”

 Eyeing it wearily, she just nodded her head, her lips lifting into a small smile. “My name is Susan. Susan Black.”

 Remembering what Marcus Eaton had said earlier about body contact, I closed my eyes and let my hand fall to my side, annoyed by myself. “Of course, sorry.”

 “Oh, don´t worry. I´m sure it must be hard to adjust to another faction.” Susan gave me another one of her smiles and this time I returned it genuinely, thinking that maybe she wasn’t as bad as the rest of them.

 “I´ll manage somehow, I always do.” Smirking playfully at my own joke, I almost laughed at her shocked expression before I turned around. My smile fell with a sigh as I grabbed the monstrosity they called dress, wishing to have my tight pants back. “Is there any way to make it a little less baggy and a little more… fitting?” I asked, skeptically furrowing my brow at the burlap sack they called clothing.

 "You can always hem them yourself," Susan replied, disappearing behind the divider to change dresses.

 “Hem it myself?” I called out incredulous, starting to chuckle at the simple image of myself in a rocking chair with some sort of sewing kit on my lap. “Give me a knife and I can hunt you a deer but you won´t caught me dead with a sewing or knitting needle. Good luck with that.” Laughing quietly to myself, I realized that this time no one answered and I did my best to pretend not feeling the outraged gaze of the other two on my form, my humor vanishing.

I had no idea that laughing was forbidden, too.

 "Well, then let´s get to it," I muttered begrudgingly after a few more moments of stifling silence, pulling the t-shirt over my head. Just before I went to unbutton my pants I heard a loud gasp from behind. Swirling around, I didn’t bother covering myself up, knowing we were alone in the room.

 The girl in the far back, a haughty blonde with a narrow face was staring at me wide-eyed, her face turning red as her eyes flitted lower onto my chest. Following her stare, I looked down at my tattoo wondering what the hell was wrong with her. I raised my eyebrows, shooting her a questioning look.

Blushing even more, she hastily pulled the stockings on her legs higher before practically running out of the room, followed by the other girl. I watched them leave, asking myself what bat of hell chased them when Susan suddenly started snickering, quickly clapping her hands over her mouth, stifling every sound of laughter.

Holding my arms out, I once again looked down at my bra-clasped torso before turning towards her. “What?”

 It took Susan a moment to compose but when she took her hands away, there still was a small smile playing around her mouth. “Don´t bother with Jeal, she just takes rules really seriously. Modesty is a big one for us and you just pulling your t-shirt off as if it´s nothing… It just shocked her.” She shrugged her shoulders, hesitantly adding.

“Not to mention that your undergarments would be considered… scandalous.”

 “What´s wrong with it?” Tugging at my lace covered bra, I frowned at her. “This is modest. And for the undressing thing, it´s normal. There are a lot of people who have seen so much more than this.”

 “No, for us it is not.” Giving me an apologetic smile, she shrugged her shoulders again. “But your tattoo looks beautiful.”

 Smiling at her, I pulled the clasp away without uncovering myself completely to show her the maze running over the valley of my breasts down my torso. “Right? It was done to match someone else’s tattoo.”

 “That person must be someone special then, for you to share something so intimate with.” Susan said, looking down at her shoes as if this simple question somehow overstepped an imaginary boundary.

I didn’t mind her question, but the memory it brought with it stung, too fresh still.

Looking down myself, I gulped heavily.

“He is.” Was all I replied. Unbuttoning my pants and stepping out of my boots, I realized that I was the last one who hadn’t changed, effectively wasting everyone´s time. Grabbing the waistline, I bend over, pulling the last piece of dauntless away from my body.

Just as I lifted my foot to pull the trousers of my legs, I heard Susan behind me choking and spluttering for air, collapsing on her bed. Peeking up at her beet red face, I realized what kind of underwear I was wearing.

A G-string definitely wasn’t appropriate for abnegation.

When I had dressed in the baggy thing, the uncomfortable scratchy stockings, and the stiff shoes I hurried after Susan down the corridor and towards the smell of food, my stomach grumbling loudly. She turned the corner and I followed, almost running into her back when she stopped abruptly. I almost cursed out loudly before realizing that there was a man in front of her, standing tall and right in the way.

 Susan had her eyes lowered to her shoes, face blushing a gentle shade of red while our leader stared down at her, lips pinched tightly. Looking away from her, Marcus Eaton’s eyes found mine and I held his stare for a second before mirroring her stance, submissive.

He was quiet for a second, his voice stern when he addressed us.

 “You two are late. Wasting one other´s time isn´t selfless now, is it? You should know better, Susan.” Marcus reprimanded her and I felt the unease of someone being accused wrongly coiling in my guts. I spoke up before even realizing it.

 “It was my fault, Sir. I´m really sorry, I just had trouble with the clothes since I´m not quite used dressing like this and Susan was selfless enough to help me.” Smiling sweetly, I tried to sway him in my favor, but all he did was narrowing his eyes minimally, his eyes raking over my form as if only now taking in what I was wearing.

He hesitated for a second before nodding, a small breath of relief leaving my body. “Good, but don´t let it happen again.”

 “Of course not, Sir.” Almost gagging, disgusted by my own sucking up, I bowed my head in a sign of respect I wasn’t feeling towards him before hurrying into the room where the rest of the initiates were waiting, plates of steaming chicken and vegetables in front of them.

 Luckily Susan took the seat next to the girl I found out was named Grace, her naturally red hair pulled up in a tight know while mine was in a simple ponytail, way too long for such an updo. I sat in between my new friend and Benjamin, who immediately started chatting animatedly, not noticing the reprimanding stares everyone shot him.

Trying to talk as less as possible without being rude, I accepted the food he handed me, placing two pieces of chicken on my plate before handing it to Susan on my right like I was supposed to. Piling more vegetables on it, I amusedly listened to Benjamin who entertained everyone in the building with his story about a farmer who chased his piglets that escaped from the barn and landed face first in a pile of horse dung after being kicked by a bull.

Letting out a breathy laugh, I tried to control my clenching abdominal muscles and was rather successful in staying quiet.

But one of the guys had just been drinking from his water and choked on it, snorting so hard it came back out of his nose which in return made it even harder for everyone to hold their laughter in.

 Susan beside me was failing just as I was, but Benjamin didn’t even bother trying, his booming laugh resonating through the room. I almost joined in, the jovial nature of our conversation making me almost forget about the weight on my chest but suddenly I felt a chill go down my spine. Feeling a harsh stare rest on me, I sobered up instantly, nervous about being called out again.

Three reprimands in the first day surely wouldn't do me any good, especially if they came from the man who led our government himself.

 Needing to busy my hands, I pieced a piece of chicken and bit into it, waiting for the spicy flavor to satisfy my taste buds but instead I tasted… nothing.

The more I chewed the worse it got, the dry pieces of meat impossible to be swallowed so I reached for my cup, washing it all down.

I turned the chicken on my fork, examining it closely before turning towards Susan, mumbling into her ear. “Do you not have any spices?”

 “It´s unnecessary.” She shrugged, taking a bite herself. To my displeasure, she had no problems with the food, most likely because it was everything she knew.

Looking at the steamed vegetables and the lonely piece of bread, I longed for a greasy burger and a huge slice of dauntless cake I knew it would most likely never taste again.

Telling myself to get over it, I started shoveling the food into my mouth as graceful as possible, only chewing the necessary times before gulping it down with lots of water.

After I was done, I was no longer hungry but strangely unsatisfied, my mood getting gradually worse until we got up and had to help clean the dishes.

They said it was the way we did things – I included.

 By now, all I wanted to do was curl up on my bed but after we had cleaned up, Natalie took me to the side and into another room where she held up a pair of scissors. I knew it would come but seeing my waist long hair with the red tips float to the ground while she cut it until it ended my upper back made me tear up just the same.

I tried brushing them away before Natalie could see angry at myself for this display of weakness, but when she squeezed my hand, I knew I had failed.

Eric would punish me for this alone, not to mention every other situation I had fucked up today.

 “It´s just hair, it´ll grow again.” Natalie tried consoling me with a motherly smile, twisting my now short hair into the bun that would be as tight as the confinements of my life from this day onward. “I know it is hard, but it will get easier soon.”

 “But will it really?” I questioned silently, not knowing which answer I wanted to come out of her mouth. Fitting in here meant losing myself. And not fitting in would mean becoming factionless, something that was worse than death.

 Doubting her statement, I met Natalie´s eyes in the small mirror above the rusty sink, hers shining with a certainty, with knowledge I wished to possess.

 “It will.”

Rolling around in the bed, I flattened out the pillow, annoyed that sleep seemed to avoid me. The blanket was too thin, the mattress too hard, the pillow too flat and the breath of three people to agitating to keep my eyes closed for more than a minute. Not to mention that the nightgown I was wearing almost went down to my feet, stifling for someone who used to sleep in underwear and a top.

 I knew that it was probably only the new surroundings that made it impossible to drift off and asked myself if there were initiates at dauntless right now that felt the same way, the compound too dark, too scary with all its corners and niches, all the places you could fall to your death. I, on the other hand, longed for the roughness of it, knowing it obscured what really hid behind – a faction of crazy misfits, a dysfunctional but heartfelt family.

My home.

 Sighing, I rolled around, closed my eyes and willed myself to not move, having heard that after fifteen minutes of staying in the same position the body slowly drifted to sleep. Of course, it could have been Uri and his half-truths messing with me but there was hope anyway.

 A gentle knock made me jump back up and my head whipped to the window, a hand pressed to my chest. At first, I thought I had imagined it but when a shadow fell into the room, I froze.

It couldn’t be, could it…?

 Scampering off the bed, I tried not to wake the others as I hurried to the window, pushing it up. A figure completely clad in black stood to the side, only turning his head when he heard the glass slide open.

I stared into the emotionless face of Eric, almost hidden behind the hood of his jacket, face unreadable. He motioned with a nod for me to follow him, not bothering to help as I climbed out of the window, landing on my knees as the nightgown tangled itself around my feet.

 Getting up, I dusted off my hands, cursing the material that spotted huge grass stains and hurried after Eric as fast as it was possible with me being barefoot. He had disappeared behind one of the houses but when I arrived where I had last seen him, he was gone. Looking around widely, I picked up my pace almost screaming out loud when a pair of broad arms pulled me into a dark niche, caging me against the wall of what I recognized to be the supply building.

 The only source of lighting while I clung to his vest was the full moon glowing above us, giving the entire scene an almost surreal feeling, the whole world bathed in silver. Letting out a deep breath, I tried to calm down my pounding heart but his close proximity did nothing to help, the heat his body emitted only making it worse.

After a few moments of staring at the dirty grass beneath my bare toes, I had mustered enough courage to look up to meet his tired eyes. I had no doubt that it has been a long day for him too and I almost asked what was wrong before realizing that we were standing in the middle of abnegation – and that I left him.

Letting out a sigh, I closed my eyes briefly, searching for words to explain what happened today. I came up short. “What are you doing here, Eric?”, was all I managed to get out.

 His body grew taut under my grip, not liking my tone as I refused to look at him again. “What do you think I´m doing, Casey? Maybe trying to figure out what the hell happened today!”

If his biting sarcasm hadn´t been directed at me, his antics would have made me smile, his harshness so familiar. But now, it just tilted the knife in my chest a little further, a little farther inside.

 Sagging my shoulders, I stared at the path we´d come from suddenly finding the grey building to my right more than interesting. “I have no idea.” I whispered finally, letting myself sag further against the wall, every last bit of energy drained from my exhausted body.

 “Cas,” Eric tilted my chin up, forcing me to look into his troubled, grey eyes. They bewitched me, forcing me to stay put until his words shattered every illusion his gaze had wrapped us in. “I want you to come home with me. Right now.”

 Scoffing incredulous, I tried to get more space between us but he wasn´t bulking. Narrowing my eyes at him, my tone was sharp. “Are you serious?!”

 “Of course I am.” Searching his face to see if he was joking, I realized that he indeed was serious. His openness touched me deeply but I knew it was impossible. Hiding the cracks in my facade his words caused, I looked up condescending.

 “Oh, and how would you do that? Smuggle me in and hide me in your flat while I become officially factionless?” If my sarcasm bothered him, he didn’t let it show.

 “I´m a leader, I can do whatever I want.” Was his calm reply, but his façade was too slowly crumbling. “Listen,” Eric started, forcing me to look at him when I once again turned my head away, his voice underlying a certain urgency. “I don´t even want to know why the hell you thought it would be a good idea to transfer to fucking abnegation, just come back with me. We can fix this before it´s too late.”

 “Once you made your choice it´s done, right?” I asked rhetorically, a lump growing in my throat as I watched his jaw harden, not taking lightly to me opposing every single one of his words. “There is no way for me to go back, Eric.”

 “There are a few.” He countered immediately, always having to have the last word in. “Like marriage.” He only shrugged his shoulders as if it meant nothing more to him than a piece of paper, while my eyes widened, mouth standing open.

 “Eric,” I breathed, asking myself who the person in front me was. This proposal, if he really meant it, was nothing that would leave his mouth caught dead. “I´m not going to marry you just to go back to a place where everyone despises me because I made one choice they didn’t agree with!”

 “So there´s no other reason, Cas?” Tightening his grip on my shoulders, he clenched his teeth, his cold eyes lightening up with white-hot blaze. “Didn’t you just tell me last night that you loved me? I guess not.”

 His words hit me like a brick and I had to avert my eyes before the scorching intensity of his gaze turned me to ash. Swallowing tightly, I clenched my fists, trying to make my voice come out steady and forceful. “Listen, I can´t just leave here.”

 “And why the hell not?!” This time Eric didn’t even try to level his voice, the power behind it mirrored by his stance almost intimidating.

 “Because I just can´t!” I cried out, trying to push him away from me but he was too heavy, too strong and unyielding as he swiftly captured my wrists in one of his hands, pinning them to the wall above me. “Let me go!”

I tried kicking him but Eric just let himself sag against me, pinning my whole body against the wall, his face looming above mine.

 “Give me one good reason, Cas, and I´ll leave.” Feeling his hot breath on my face, his intoxicating scent luring me in, I lightly shook my head trying to clear my thoughts as he whispered into my ear. “Just one. Or I´ll take you home kicking and screaming like I should have done it in the hub.”

 “Maybe,” Blinking rapidly, I stuttered out the first thing on my mind. “we´re not meant to be.”

 Eric´s disbelieving laugh pulled me out of my dazed state and I watched him with furrowed brows, his unwillingness to just let me go infuriating and elating at once.

I wished he would just leave, leave me here to live my new colorless life.

I wished he would have made true on his words and just swept me up, to hide me away in his apartment, just the two of us for the rest of our life, nothing else.

 “None of that amity bullshit, Cas.” Opening my mouth, I contemplated what to say next but he just shook his head, his expression not allowing any objections. “You´ve had your chance.”

 “Eric…” I tried to reason with him but before I could get out more than his name his mouth was on mine, using my surprise to thrust his tongue inside, his free hand going to my thigh while his other still held my wrists secure. Pulling my leg up, he encouraged me to sling it around his waist and as if it was by reflex, I complied, my arms falling onto his shoulders as he let go to grab my other thigh.

Clinging onto him, I moaned as he ground his pelvis into mine, his member already hard against my core. What exactly about our argument was arousing, I had no idea, but felt the same way, grinding against him. Holding me up with one arm, he struggled to open his belt, almost ripping off the button as he was done, his pants hanging lowly on his hips.

Freeing himself, Eric slowly, sensually ran his fingers over my thigh, bunching up the long, white nightgown that left nothing to the imagination until I was fully exposed to him. A low groan forced itself from his throat as he reached my ass, discovering that I wasn’t wearing anything beneath it.

His ministrations turned more urgent, lips meeting mine with bruising force, teeth pulling biting as he forced himself between my hips, searching.

Finding his target, he slammed home with all might leaving me breathless from the sudden intrusion, the fullness overwhelming as I cried out. Not one second wasted, he pulled his hips back until he left me almost completely, the only indication of the next vicious thrust, the tensing of his muscles beneath my legs.

Swallowing my cries with his lips on mine, Eric´s hand wandered towards my throat, his fingers tightening the faster his hips snapped, the closer he got to release. He pushed my jaw up and replaced his fingers with his lips, bracing himself against the wall he bit me, tongue soothing the marked flesh when he pulled back.

The oh-so-familiar rhythm of his hips meeting mine, his teeth raking over my skin, the sheer feeling of his body pressed against mine making us one brought me closer to the edge and I gripped his vest with all might, fingernails biting into stiff fabric.

With a grunt, he pressed his pelvis against mine hitting each one of my spots and my body shattered against him so violently I almost missed his release spilling inside me, painting my insides with the color of love.

Clinging to each other like to a lifeline we caught our breaths, slumped against the grey building in the middle of the abnegation sector.

 I was the first one to come to my senses, hearing voices in the distant, slowly coming closer. The rising panic cleared the fog in my brain and I pushed Eric away with all my strength, making him stumble, almost hitting the wall of the building behind him.

Tugging my nightgown down, I tried brushing the dirt away but the grass stains wouldn’t magically disappear, I would have to wash them later. If I hadn´t felt naked before, I certainly did now with Eric staring at me in bewilderment, arms crossing to hide my bareness.

As if modesty suddenly became important.

 "Casey." Eric took a hesitant step towards me, arms outstretched as if he was approaching a scared animal. Frantically shaking my head, I stumbled backward, hands raised, signaling him to stay away, my mind made up.

 "Stop!" My voice cracked. "I mean it Eric, stay where you are!" I didn't stop walking backward, not even in surprise when he did freeze rooted to his spot, my obvious distress disturbing him. “Don´t come here again.”

 “Cas, wha–”

 “NO!” My voice rang through the night, both of us flinching away from the volume. “No.” I repeated quieter, almost whispering. Closing my eyes for one short, pain-filled moment I shook my head, slowly this time. “I mean it, Eric. Don´t make it harder than it already is. Stay away from here, don´t come back.”

 Gathering up the fabric of my nightdress, I took one last look at him, my heart shattering deep within my chest before turning around, running away. Pressing one hand to my mouth, I tried to muffle my sobs, not even caring if someone saw me in my disheveled state as I sprinted through the darkness, grey building blurring behind tears.

Letting my bare feet carry me, my mind still in that little alley I reached the window of the dorms, somehow heaving myself inside landing harshly on the floor.

Pulling myself into the bed, I neither felt the hard mattress nor the coldness from the thin blanket, the ice spreading slowly through my bloodstream numbing my whole body as I just lay there, tears streaming over my face.

My mind in overdrive, haunting me with the imagine of the love of my life left behind in the dark, his glowing grey eyes turning duller, more lifeless with each step I took away from him. Maybe, we really weren’t meant to be.

 Star-crossed lovers, is it that what they should call us?

A lifetime of what-if´s destroyed by a megalomaniac plan and a single drop of blood?

What a fragile thing happiness must be if one wrong decision can destroy everything you ever wanted, everything you ever wished for. What is the thing you want the most, the deepest and maybe darkest desire of your heart?

For me, it was him. It would always be him.

 That was the first night I cried myself to sleep.

I`m sorry for the long wait.. It was really hot the past few days, leaving me with a headache every evening when I wanted to write..

The response to the first chapter was just amazing, thank you soo much!! I hope you like this chapter too, even if I´m not 100 percent satisfied with how it turned out, or at least with my writing :D