#datingwhilefeminist

So much of the misery and frustration that seems inherent in dating, just simply isn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s people who make it that way. And while we can’t necessarily change “all people” we CAN start talking about these realistically. It’s not that hard to reject someone politely and swiftly. It’s not that hard to communicate with someone. It’s not that hard to see red flags and not ignore them (or at least being honest that you’re ignoring them). It’s not that hard to hold someone accountable. And it’s not that hard to not accept less than you deserve. However, if you do find these things hard, the first step is to start naming things and taking about things accurately. You can’t solve a problem you can’t describe.

I've been gone for a while for a bunch of reasons (and forgetting my password really was one - which sounds ridiculous, but it is true). I have two new jobs, I was dating someone pretty seriously, and with all the other political stuff going on I had about zero time for tumblin. 

But - this week I did something really hard. Something that I struggled with - alot. I broke up with my depressed boyfriend. 

We were dating for about a month when he started to struggle. I recognized all of the signs, because they were things that would signal to me that I was, again, experiencing mental health issues. I brought them up to him in the kindest way I knew how, I helped him navigate our health insurance policy (we work at the same place), and I encouraged him to do the things that helped him find clarity. 

I was 100% down to be his partner through it all, because I've been there. I know what that feels like. I know it isn't his fault, and I know how hard it is to struggle through it. 

But as the months went on, it became clear to me that I was incredibly unhappy. I didn't want to abandon him in his time of need, and I didn't want to be that asshole who breaks up with someone because he was depressed. But it was deeper than that. 

I was horribly, entirely, and always unhappy. I was trying so hard to keep us together, and more and more I felt I was trying on my own. And, more often than not, he simply was unable to come through for me the way I needed him to. 

One night this week I was sick, home alone in bed, and it didn't even occur to him to ask if he could do anything, how I was feeling, or check in on me. I laid in bed, crying, missing him, and feeling so incredibly alone. When I finally talked to him about it he said, "this is what I was afraid of." No solutions, no plans, just this: his depression was impacting me, which he had predicted from the outset. 

I wanted to be better than that. I wanted to prove him wrong. I wanted to be the person who could be totally selfless, who could love him through this, but in the end he said that I should try to put myself first for a while and see where that took us. 

It was in that moment where I asked myself, "What does putting myself first mean right now?" that I knew it had to be over. I couldn't put myself first while waiting and hoping things would improve, that he would someday be able to be as invested in me as I was in him, that one day he could be there for me like I was for him. 

So, I broke up with my depressed boyfriend. And I sobbed while doing it. I told him I knew what I needed, and it was clear that he couldn't be that. That I wanted him to feel better, that I was crazy about him, but that I just couldn't do this to myself anymore. 

I still feel guilty. I feel ashamed. I feel sad. I miss all the promise we had, I miss him. I miss his dogs. I miss watching Supernatural and playing Risk and cooking and kissing. But I don't miss the pain, and the sadness, and the disappointment, the constant worry. I don't miss wondering - is it the depression? Or is it me? Does he know? Does it matter? 

I don't know if I'll ever get over this feeling of guilt - of being that monster who broke up with someone because of something they couldn't control. But that's where I'm at. 

Love love love,