#daniela katseye

she remembered her parents telling her she was a good kid because whenever she had to knock down an opponent during a soccer game, she would always reach out her hand to help the other girl get back up. she always took care of her little cousin and made sure she wouldn’t get hurt trying to walk around with the balance of a baby still learning how to stand. she shared her lunch whenever her friends forgot theirs or didn’t have enough money to buy something from the cafeteria.

daniela knew she was good and she was proud of it. she knew she was different from the other girls because of the way she had been born, but she had never been bullied for it, never had any confidence issues and, as a child, she was sure that was her reward for being good, be it from god, from the universe or from her guardians. 

as she grew older, that never changed. daniela still helped girls from the opposing team get back up after knocking them down, still treated everyone — even the more weird kids — kindly, helped her parents around the house, got good grades, didn’t drink much besides one or two cups at parties and never smoked anything, ever. she was an athlete and cared too much about her body for that.

she loved the feeling of winning a game, loved hearing people scream her name and cheer from the bleachers, loved the feeling of being good. daniela knew she was destined for a bright future and she was scared that if she became bad somehow, she would ruin it and her reward would be taken away from her. it sounded childish, but she didn’t think that consciously, it was something subconscious, a privilege she was scared of losing because of actions she would never commit.

she wasn’t any different when it came to girls. she saw the way her friends treated them, the way they talked about them, and she wasn’t like that. she was always gentle, always complimented them, never let them get too drunk, always picked them up at their front door instead of waiting in the car or honking outside the house. every single time, she walked up to the door.

and even when she got tired and wanted to end things, daniela remained kind. she didn’t like thinking about hurting anyone, but she had never liked any girl enough to stay with them for too long.

until she met you.

when you started going out together, daniela fell in love. truly fell in love, for all the reasons people fall in love. she had barely noticed you before, but she had felt your eyes constantly on her during most of biology class. she wondered why she had never talked to you before, wondered what she had done to deserve you.

daniela loved you, she knew that because her heart beat faster whenever she thought about you and because she knew she would’ve loved you no matter the circumstances in which she got to know you. she loved you and loved the way you made her feel, you made her feel good, like confirmation of all her deepest beliefs.

every time she gave you flowers, or held your hand at school, or scored a goal and said it was for you, you told her she was good.

“you’re so good to me, dani.”

you said that to her every single time. you looked at her with sincere eyes, eyes so beautiful and grateful, she knew it was true, knew she impressed you. it was all she wanted to do forever, impress you.

when you told her you were pregnant, daniela got angry. so angry at herself that she still remembered punching the steering wheel of the car her father had recently bought her for long minutes after dropping you off at home. she had ruined her future, worse than that, ruined the future she had imagined for both of you.

as soon as you talked about it more calmly the next day — without you crying uncontrollably — she had already convinced herself that only one option was possible.

“i don’t want an abortion.” that’s what she heard from you. again, daniela felt anger, this time at you too.

“you need to think about this more, baby.” her voice was so calm it surprised even herself. “i’m not saying you have to do it, that it’s the only way out, but… maybe you should think a little more.” she had sweat on her face, she had just finished practice, she could still feel the hot blood running through her veins, could still feel her heart pounding, even faster after seeing your expression. you looked so nervous.

“you really don’t want this, do you? yesterday you said everything was gonna be okay.” you said.

“it will be, it’ll be okay, but…” she looked around, you were alone behind the field. “i don’t know, baby, you… need to think if this is really what you want.”

your eyes narrowed and your head tilted just a little to the side.

“why? are you gonna leave me if i don’t do it?”

daniela hesitated for a second, maybe two. that was all.

“you want to leave me, daniela? you wanna go away?”

“no, i…” her voice didn’t sound convincing enough, not even to herself.

“then leave.” all your fear turned into anger too, anger at her. “just leave, i don’t need you.” your hands, which had been intertwined with hers, pulled away from her at an absurd speed, and when she tried to reach for you again, you pushed her. “go! i don’t need you.”

“i just want you to think about this better, fuck.” daniela said through gritted teeth.

“i’m not doing it.” you said, as firmly as you could. “i’m not doing it, so if you wanna leave, then fucking leave already.”

“fine.” she said at last, then turned around and walked away. she could still hear you cursing at her from far away. you guys had fought before, of course, you were two teenagers in love, but it had never been like this.

daniela got in her car and drove home. she left you at the field you had only gone to because of her, and she didn’t talk to you for two days.

she really did consider leaving. she thought about it every second of every day, during class, in the car, at practice, at the gym, during dinner with her parents, while watching tv or scrolling through her phone. she thought about everything she had planned and whether it would be easy or not to put another face in the place of the girl she had imagined cheering for her during her first game as a real starter on an actual team.

but a good person doesn’t abandon a pregnant teenager with a baby, especially not when that girl is the love of your life.

daniela left flowers in your locker on the third day, and you found her behind the bleachers during calculus class.

“i’m sorry, i was scared,” she said.

“scared? how do you think i feel?” daniela could barely look at your face because of how guilty she felt.

“i know, i’m sorry… but i’m not going anywhere, okay? do you really think i would do that to you? that i’m the kind of person who abandons their child?”

you answered no. thank god, that eased some of the guilt inside her.

a week later she was sat down your couch, being scolded by your parents while holding your hand tightly, tight enough so you would be completely sure she didn’t regret her decision of not leaving. 

and the moment elena was born, daniela became sure she would never do that. never. she loved watching her daughter breathe in her arms, even when she was doing nothing besides breathing. she loved watching you breastfeed her, loved her tiny little hands, painfully small, loved how tiny she looked in her arms. she loved all those little things and felt grateful for never considering leaving ever again.

you kept saying the same things, or things similar to them.

“you’re so good with her, dani.”

daniela loved hearing that, more than she would’ve loved her hypothetical soccer career that could be ruined by one bad fall in the middle of a game, more than she loved the perfect future she had planned for you both, the one where she earned way more than she did in a year coaching little kids at the children’s soccer academy — the job she had only taken because she wanted to learn how to handle children better, actually.

but daniela loved those things way more when you loved her and reminded her how good she was.

and she hated how quickly you could forget that.

like when elena was almost four and had a fever. she had been crying nonstop while both of you tried to calm her down after hours without sleep. daniela had work early the next morning, you looked exhausted, and elena had been attached to your hip the entire day, whining and crying every time either of you tried putting her down.

“she needs the medicine again,” daniela said quietly as she stepped away for just a second, only to grab coffee for both of you.

“the doctor said every six hours,” you answered immediately, tiredness making your voice sharper than usual. “it’s only been four.”

“yeah, but the fever’s getting worse.”

“dani, no.” you already sounded irritated. “why the hell do you think you know more than a doctor?”

daniela felt something ugly twist inside her chest at your tone. she had only been worried. she was trying to help. she had managed to get fifteen minutes of sleep before you woke her up because you were too worried to handle it alone.

“i’m not saying that, i’m trying to help.”

you went silent, only shook your head while elena slept against your shoulder.

“maybe we should take her to the doctor again? see if she needs a bigger dose or something,” daniela tried again.

“he’ll say the same thing he said yesterday,” you answered so quickly, as if everything she said was complete bullshit.

“then why the fuck did you wake me up if you don’t want my help?” her voice came out harsher than she intended. she saw your eyes widen slightly and a short, almost mean laugh leave your lips.

“because i thought you’d be worried about your daughter. i’m sorry for thinking that.” your voice dripped with irony. “you can go back to bed.”

daniela felt her fists clench a little.

“why are you trying to make me feel bad?”

“i’m not trying to do that. you can go to bed. i know you’re sooo tired, dani.”

daniela knew you could be mean sometimes. she had known that ever since you were teenagers in love and you spent an entire day refusing to talk to her because she had been “too nice” to another girl. but this felt entirely different. she couldn’t win.

you looked at her one day and suddenly she wasn’t good anymore. like one mistake — or her inability to solve a problem — erased every effort she had ever made. she knew you had made efforts too, and she hoped she had never failed to recognize them the way you sometimes failed to recognize hers. maybe she had impressed you too much in the beginning and now you expected more than she could actually give.

she had spent her whole life believing goodness was something solid because effort was something solid. but loving you taught her how fragile it actually was. one bad moment and suddenly you looked at her like she was selfish, disappointing.

bad.

daniela would never say it out loud, not even with a gun on her head, but she was truly considering being better and more open about her feelings after last night. better yet, before this morning, when you said you would rather die than going back with her. or something like it. 

she finished her coffee, she drove back home, she found elena asleep and megan on her couch, she feed them both with cereal and drove elena school, then she got ready for work and everything went normal, as if should have, if she hadn’t thought about you all fucking day. 

daniela still remembered your taste on her lips, your skin on her hands, the sounds you made just for her, the sounds that only she got to hear in your entire fucking life. 

“you’re so good, dani.” you said, you moaned.

it wasn’t fair if someone else heard that sound someday, it wasn’t fucking fair any of it. 

like it wasn’t fair she was spending saturday night with megan, watching her play mario kart instead of doing anything else. literally, anything else would be less humiliating than that. 

“she basically hates me.” she said, what must have been the fourth time.

“you’re being dramatic.” megan answered, turning the controller dramatically in her hands like the movements she was making would have any impact on the game, daniela rolled her eyes.

“no; she basically said she would rather be passed over by a bus than try again with me.” 

“well, you still have a chance if you’re against a simple car then? maybe an SVU.” megan said. daniela looked at her, offended, punching her arm and making her lose balance for a second. “dani, i’m gonna lose!” 

daniela rolled her eyes, she stood up from the depressing couch and went to the kitchen, her apartment wasn’t very big, a little larger than the previous one you both shared at first, still much smaller than the house she had left you with. she was still grateful enough there was a view to the TV, to the game megan had brought to her house when she asked her to babysit elena for an hour… a few weeks ago by now. 

now megan always came over to play and they got closer, it was good because when elena wasn’t sleeping over she used to feel very lonely, but also bad because megan was… well, megan was megan. she still listened to daniela’s complaints, though. 

“i don’t know. i just feel so pathetic for thinking about trying again… when she clearly doesn’t want me anymore.” she thought out loud, then her line of thought took a different turn when she heard the gravitating annoying sound of a car crashing against the other in the stupid game. “you know what? it’s not my fault.” 

she walked over to the front of the TV. 

“it’s your fault!” she pointed at megan. 

megan furrowed her eyebrows, finally letting go of the controller and accepting her fate as the loser of the round, looking up at daniela. 

“my fault?” she repeated.

“you told me to go there, you convinced me to do it.” daniela kept her finger firm on the air, pointing right at megan.

“well, i don’t remember telling you to sleep with her, i said you should go there to talk.” the younger girl spat right back, fully defensive.

daniela went quiet for a moment. well, that was the absolute truth, megan never mentioned she should have sex with her ex wife, that she truly chose to do by herself, no influence or convincing needed. in her defense, she really didn’t sleep with anyone in ages and at some point between your puberty and your mid twenties, your right hand stops doing it for you. 

“you did it by yourself… actually, you both did.” megan added, a little more nicely, watching daniela pause. “don’t you think that means something?” 

“means what?” 

“well…” she started. “she clearly doesn’t hate you neither would choose a bus over going back to you… she slept with you.”

“because… she probably was just… i don’t know.” 

“because she wanted to, duh.” megan grabbed the controller again, looking back at the TV. “she’s just scared it will be like the first time… and probably thinks you will believe cheating is okay if she just gives you another chance so easily.” 

“you really think that’s why?” daniela almost laughed, this sounded ridiculous, way too ridiculous for her, already used to the self pity by now.

“what else would it be?”

daniela opened her mouth, ready to come up with another explanation, another excuse, another reason why you would’ve let her into your house, kissed her, had sex with her, told her you belonged to her and slept curled up on her body, only to tell her to leave the next morning.

daniela looked down, she hated when megan truly made her think, not dwell on the past or fantasize about the things that could have happened, but just think with her head and her heart. 

maybe she had been too focused on the harsh words leaving your mouth to notice how you were trembling when you told her it was a mistake, maybe she had been too stuck in her own vulnerability for the moment to notice how you were completely vulnerable too, maybe even more. 

she didn’t need to ask for second chances, or apologize more and more times. she didn’t need to show vulnerability because vulnerability wouldn’t give you the assurance you needed to trust her again.

she needed to show she was sure and determined, but first, she needed to be sure and determined. 

“megan.” her voice sounded a little serious now, serious enough for megan to look at her with wide eyes. “do you think it’s too late?” 

megan gave her a half smile, shook her head in a no. “if it was, she wouldn’t have let you in, dani.” 

dani nodded. perhaps that was like the first time, when she found out you were pregnant, she messed up, she hurt you, she left you scared. but she had won you back, she showed with actions she would never leave, she proved to you that she wasn’t a bad moment, a stupid and reckless period of two days… she was her actions, she was the hand holding yours while your dad yelled at you, she was all those messages asking you if she could get you anything from the pharmacy, she was those late nights helping you study for the final exams with your baby sleeping in the crib. 

at some point she might have forgotten that actions matter way more than any possible word, any plead for a second chance, any sincere apology, or any harsh word said the morning after making love to her the whole night. 

and the act of loving and waiting for you mattered much more than saying that she hated you, and the act of kissing her face while she was inside you mattered more than saying it was a mistake.

“i think you’re right.” she said, staring down. “well… now i need to make her see that, too.”

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