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One summer evening, Dan took Carol out to the lighthouse outside of town on his motorcycle. The sunset over the sea, the feel of wind in their hair, the two of them had never felt so free. In this romantic setting, the two promised that they would love each other forever.
Title: The Only Reason I Don't Hate Myself
Fandom: Objection! I'm Not Gay!
Pairing: Daniel Finch/Kit Sterling
Rating: E (Explicit) MINORS DO NOT INTERACT (18+)
Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, Sexual Assault, Rape, Catholic Trauma, Drugged Drinks
Words: 1,768
Summary: Daniel opens up to Kit about his past and why he was suicidal when they met and why he reacted so strongly when he was drugged.
Not Beta’d, all my mistakes are mine. Don’t come for me, I was too excited to post it to bother with Beta Readers, ok? Hush. LOL
READ THE WARNINGS.
Daniel ran his fingers through Kit’s hair as they laid on the bed, enjoying the post-coital bliss that always followed an intense session. There were times he still couldn’t believe that Kit was really his. Much less wanted to be his. He kissed the top of Kit’s head and shifted as Kit grumbled about him moving too much. He chuckled softly and poked Kit in the side playfully.
“Hey, Daniel?” Kit shifted to look up at him. “Can I ask you something?”
“You just did,” came Daniel’s immediate smartass response.
Kit rolled his eyes and poked his husband in the side. “Brat.” He muttered before he kissed his chest. “I have a question about that night you were drugged.”
Daniel stiffened immediately, remembering how he had so little control over himself and had nearly forced himself onto Kit. His blood ran cold, the memories he tried so hard to shove down bubbled to the surface and his heart rate picked up as the anxiety started to take over.
“Pathetic,” his father spat at him as he cried in his bedroom. “If you weren’t such a faggot maybe Father wouldn’t have to punish you!”
Daniel sobbed harder, wrapping his arms around his torso. “Dad - “
“You brought this on yourself!” his father spat viciously. “Now get up! Clean yourself off and put on your suit. You’re going to confession.”
Daniel begged the priest to stop, promised everything he could think of to make the pain stop, but the priest never let up. The beatings, the whippings, the assaults - they just got worse the more he cried.
He remembered cleaning the blood up from the confessional floor, his eyes stung with how many tears he had shed. His back hurt from the whipping, his knees hurt from kneeling on the stone floor, and his ass… God, his ass hurt so bad. He wasn’t sure he would be able to sit right.
“There better not be a single spec of blood when I get back, or you’ll learn what pain really is,” Father had hissed at him before leaving the confessional.
Daniel had scrubbed and scrubbed but he couldn’t quite get it all up.
“Daniel!?” Kit cried, pulling Daniel out of his memories.
“K-kit?” Daniel’s voice cracked as he reached for his husband. “Kit -”
Kit leaned forward and wrapped Daniel up in a tight embrace, “Yes, Daniel, it’s me. It’s Kit. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean - “
“Are you okay?” Daniel asked as he ran his hands over Kit’s back. “Are you alright?”
“I should be asking you that,” Kit pulled back. “You don’t have to tell me. You don’t have to tell me anything. I’m so sorry I asked.”
Daniel shook his head. It was high time he told the love of his life. He just didn’t want to do it this way. He had hoped he’d have more time to process it, to articulate it better. But it seemed God had other plans for him.
With a deep breath and a vicelike grip on Kit’s hand, Daniel shook his head and pulled his husband close. “I - I told you that you are the only reason I don’t hate myself…” he started, his hand immediately finding its purchase in Kit’s curls. “But I didn’t tell you why…”
“Why you were ready to kill yourself that day?” Kit asked softly.
Daniel nodded, taking another deep breath. “I’ve known I was an abomination since I was young. I wanted a husband, not a wife. When I played with other kids I wanted to play house or dolls instead of monster trucks. I would dress my G.I. Joes up in fancy clothing… I -”
“That doesn’t make you an abomination - “
“Kit, please,” Daniel’s voice was soft, pleading, with a tinge of - fear?
Kit nodded, settling back down next to Daniel and muttered a soft apology, encouraging him to continue.
“When we had our first confession, I … I told our priest that I thought I was different. That I thought maybe I liked boys. And that… that - “ that was the biggest mistake of Daniel’s life. Even worse than getting involved with Artimus’s father’s gang. “He started demanding I come to confession more and more often after that, and told my father it was because I was having unnatural thoughts that he needed to discipline out of me.”
“Oh my God -”
“It started with little things -”
“You don’t have to tell me, love,” Kit cut him off softly.
“No. No, you - you should know. So you understand - I would never hurt you, Kit. Ever. I would never let anyone, including me, hurt you the way I was hurt.”
Kit nodded and grabbed Daniel’s free hand. “I know.” He said. “I know you’d never hurt me, Daniel.”
Daniel squeezed Kit’s hand as he looked over the man’s shoulder and fixed his gaze on the wall. “At first… at first, he would make me kneel on the stone floor for hours. That was painful, but tolerable. A little humiliating, but after a few sessions of that, he started demanding I … tell him things. He’d make me tell him that I… that I wanted to submit to other men. He’d sit in his chair and stare at me as he made me tell him all these fantasies… I was just a kid, I didn’t know what I was saying, he fed me the lines and made me say them and if I didn’t, he’d whip me with his belt -”
Kit’s breath caught in his chest as anger rose like bile in his throat. “He what?!”
“Kit -”
“Where is he!? I’ll kill him!” Kit cried.
Daniel felt himself laugh through his tears at his husband’s outburst. “He was killed in a hit and run about 10 years ago,” he ran his fingers through Kit’s hair again. “But…”
“The damage was done - God, Daniel, I’m so sorry-”
“Please let me finish… Or I don’t… I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say it…” Daniel turned his gaze to Kit’s then. “Please…”
Kit bit his lip but nodded again. He would have time to be angry on his husband’s behalf later. Maybe find the priest’s grave and piss on it.
It took a few more minutes before Daniel spoke again, and when he did, Kit held his breath. “About three months into this… discipline plan of his… He started touching me.” Daniel’s voice dropped, his tone hesitant and distant, like he was afraid speaking it would bring this monster back. “He… he said that since my desires were clearly not going away on their own, he’d - he’d - h-he -”
The sob that ripped out of Danie’s chest started him, but Kit was already prepared. He wrapped his arms tightly around his husband, kissing his jaw and cheek as he muttered softly to calm him down. “I got you, babe. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I love you. I love you so much, Daniel. You’re so strong, and so resilient, and I love you so much,” he muttered over and over as Daniel sobbed into his neck.
“I didn’t like it, I didn’t!” Daniel sobbed.
“I know, love.” Kit soothed. “I know. It’s not your fault. He was a monster, love. You were just a kid, I’m so sorry.”
“I - I - I screamed so loud the first time… that the soundproofing failed and he - he punished me. After that, he’d make me drink some wine every time, and everything would get fuzzy and time would be weird… He still wanted me to tell him ‘my’ fantasies, but he’d always tell me what to say, and it always hurt so much, and the blood -”
Kit shifted and his arms tightened around Daneil. “That’s why you wanted to die…”
Daniel nodded. “My mother was dead, my father blamed me for everything the priest was doing, and I… I didn’t have anything to live for… Until you.”
“You know none of that was your fault, love, right?”
Daniel nodded after a moment. “...I do now,” he said softly. “Thanks to you.”
Kit closed his eyes, remembering how Daniel had looked so dead inside when he pulled him off that cliff. “How long did it last?”
“Until I was about 15…” Daniel shook his head. “I guess… I got too old for him. I don’t know how many other boys he abused. And I hate that I couldn’t stop it-”
“Don’t” Kit’s voice came out harder than he meant to and he mentally kicked himself when he saw Daniel flinch. “It’s not your fault. It wasn’t your job to protect other kids, you were just a kid! Your father should have done something. God I hate your father! That fucking bastard -”
“Kit…”
“You deserved better.” Kit pulled away to look Daniel in the eyes. “You deserved so much better. I’m so glad I found you… But fuck - I - I wish I could take this pain away -”
Daniel cupped Kit’s face. “You do.” He gave Kit a small smile, despite the tears streaming down his face. “You do take the pain away. But that night, when Brittany drugged me, and I nearly - I nearly raped you, Kit -”
“But you didn’t.” Kit placed his hands on top of Daneil’s. “You stopped. When I said no, you stopped. You pulled away. Even drugged, you would never hurt me. And You’ve proven that over and over again, Daniel. You’re such a good man, the best man. I love you so much.”
“I love you,” Daniel sniffled. “I’m sorry,”
“Don’t be.” Kit leaned forward and kissed Daniel softly. “But I am going to find that fucker’s gravel. And I’m going to destroy it.”
Daniel chuckled. “Don’t -”
“Death is too good for that motherfucker. I want to make sure he never rests in peace for hurting you.”
Daniel chuckled again as he wiped the tears from his face. “Come here,” he pulled Kit onto the bed and cuddled into his side. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” Kit whispered as he kissed the top of Daniel’s head. “And I always will.”
“KIT!” Daniel yelled as he walked into their house a month later.
“Yes, hubby?” Kit’s smile told Daniel he knew exactly what Daniel was about to accuse him of.
Daniel turned his phone towards Kit, an article about a desecrated grave in Los Altos Catholic Cemetery. “You didn’t. Tell me you didn’t.”
Kit’s smile never faltered, though, as he wrapped his arms around Daniel’s shoulders. “Of course not, love.”
“Uh-huh…” Daniel didn’t believe him, but he wouldn’t press. It felt nice to have someone stand up for him, even after all that time. “Sure you didn’t…”
Abigail: Abraham Finch, just how big do you plan to let that junk pile of yours get?
Abraham: Woman, I must've told you a dozen times by now, if it gets too big, I'll start a new pile down by the razorgrain patch.
Abigail: That's what you said last year, when your pile was half that big. What I want to know is, how big is too big? Because I'm thinking it's too big already.
Abraham: Fine, fine. I'll get to moving it when my day ain't filled from sun-up to sun-down with all the other work that goes on around here.
Abigail: Oh, why do I even bother.
Abigail: I found that busted-up old radio you gave Jake for his twelfth birthday. Took me an hour to stop crying over it.
Abraham: Oh, Abbey...
Abigail: How could we let it happen? How could we fail our own son so completely?
Abraham: We did the best we could by him, but Jake was a grown man and he made his decision. I know it's hard, but we can't go on blaming ourselves.
Abigail: I just don't see how I'll ever be able to forgive myself.
Abraham: I know, Abbey. I know.
Abigail: Are my eyes playing tricks on me, or did that scrap heap of yours get about ten pieces of junk larger since last week?
Abraham: What uh... what makes you think that, sweetheart?
Abigail: Don't you play coy with me, husband. There ain't been any traders by here with that much scrap, not lately. How many times have I told you about sneakin' around in that salvage yard at night? If those gunners catch you stealin' their metal, you know what they'll do.
Abraham: You've got nothing to worry about, Abbey. Even if they do spot me, they couldn't catch me. I'm just too smart for 'em.
Abigail: One of these days, you're going to find out that you aren't half as clever as you think you are. When that happens, it's ain't just going to be you that suffers, it's going to be all of us.
Abraham: That's enough, now. I haven't been caught yet, and I ain't going to be. That should be good enough for you.
Abigail: One of these days, we need to find you a good woman, Daniel.
Daniel: Even if I had time for something like that, which I don't, who'd be interested? The women of the Commonwealth ain't exactly lining up to be farmer's wives.
Abigail: Then you need a farm girl. There's plenty out there, you know. That Abernathy girl is nice enough, even if her mother's a witch. And there's that girl at Warwick... What's her name? Joanie?
Daniel: Janey. And she's too young for me. And Lucy Abernathy's only got eyes for Hawthorne in Diamond City.
Abigail: Well don't you worry, son. There's someone out there for you.
Daniel: You're the one who's worried. I can't think past all the weeds I got to pull.
Abraham: Where'd you put those fusion cells I set out the other day?
Abigail: I put them back in your junk pile, dear. You know the rule. Anything that ain't on the workbench is fair game when I'm cleaning.
Abraham: Well couldn't you have asked me first, woman? I had to dig around in that pile for two hours straight to find those damn things!
Abigail: Really? If I had to stop and ask about every piece of scrap you left laying around, I'd need a week just to tidy up the house! That's why we made that rule in the first place. And I might remind you, Abraham Lowell Finch, that you agreed to it!
Abraham: Alright, alright! I get the point, woman.
Abigail: Hmph. I'll believe it when I see it.
Daniel: We got enough caps to get me a new pair of boots?
Abigail: Why? The ones you got on don't look so bad. I'm sure they've got another couple of months on 'em at least.
Daniel: Easy for you to say, you ain't wearin' 'em. The soles are coming off. Sometimes they flap so bad when I walk, it sounds like someone's clapping at me.
Abigail: Well maybe they're just showin' their appreciation for all the hard work you do.
Daniel: That's very funny, but I'm being serious here. I might as well go barefoot for all the trouble these things cause me.
Abigail: Well, I'll see what we've got. It ain't much, but it might be enough.
Daniel: That's all I need to hear.
Abraham: Keep a watch to the east while you're working today, son. I saw something down by the waterline. Looked big, too.
Daniel: Mirelurk. Got to be. They've been getting closer lately. Probably scoping us out.
Abraham: Well, they get too close, they're going to get a taste of hot lead.
Daniel: Yes sir.
Daniel: We got an extra shovel anywhere in the scrap?
Abraham: Pretty sure we do, yeah.
Daniel: Know where it is?
Abraham: [amused] Not a clue.
Daniel: Doesn't it ever occur to you that all this junk isn't doing us any good if we can't find something when we need it?
Abraham: You just need to dig around a little. It's there somewhere.
Daniel: Yeah... I think it'd be faster to shovel dirt with my hands.
Daniel: There's something I've been wanting to ask you.
Jake: Yeah, well, I've kind of been expecting that. Go on, then.
Daniel: Why'd you do it? Why'd you turn your back on us. on your family?
Jake: I guess it was because I was angry. I was angry at this life, at the idea that I might never amount to anything more than just a farmer scraping by. I blamed dad, for that and a lot of other things. It was wrong. I know that now, and I'm sorry.
Daniel: Yeah, well, don't expect everything to be the same as it was. I can't forget what you did. None of us can.
Jake: I know. One way or another, I'll earn your trust again. I swear it.
Daniel: Yeah, well... we'll see.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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