She kissed him with newfound, unbridled passion – no more delight in secrecy, no public restraint, no awkwardness over commenting the obviousness of their relationship. Over the threshold of the meeting room, Diana took Shade by the chin and kissed him in front of everyone. Put your man in line, she’d confessed jokingly what was whispered about them after Shade had caused a scene with the colonel. This was her reply. A show as intense as the smell of blood-red roses.

He even caught a whiff of fragrance tethered on the buds of her lips. Thoughts strayed to when he last saw her with blood on her face, and his arms tensed. Her fingers traced his jaw, wandering to the back of his neck to tangle in his hair. Her other hand went lower, to his waist, and with his eyes closed, her touch anchored him, lost in the kiss and the image of roses –

But no, he couldn’t get lost, give in as if there was no one else, or he didn’t care. He held in his arms the reason why Diana let go, and how everything had changed. Clara.

Her presence was another kind of anchor. Even now, he knew she was awake when he’d smiled down at her as he’d settled beside the door. Even now, he shivered as her hand grasped the sleeve of his shirt. He still failed to comprehend the might of so tiny a hand.

It didn’t change the way he and Diana were kissing, nor the longing between them. Or – not more since their lives had already shifted dimensions two weeks ago when she was born.

Clara made everything more intense.

Diana leaned away. Her expression controlled to a faint smile. Now she kept her bewitching hands off him.

He blinked as he finally assessed their surroundings. The embarrassed stares and evading eyes of the group. Davidson and his second looking at their papers, Ada too but smiling to herself, the Scarlet Guard generals and aides trying to keep still while the colonel he didn’t grant attention. Shade found Cal, looking back and forth, and Mare, next to him, with her eyes on them and both astonished and grinning. She grabbed Cal’s hand as if to tone down his reaction although she was the one barely hiding her amusement. Shade gladly played lovey-dovey if it lit her up like that.

“Do you have a request, Shade?” Cal asked, saving him with a transition skill Shade thanked his royal training for. Shade had just come to accompany Diana from her first meeting after her baby break, suspecting she wanted to see Clara again as soon as possible, yet he had to grip the offered branch as he had no idea what they were discussing. He fished for anything as he took in the members of the group, desperate to avoid making a fool of himself as he recovered the current issues of the Scarlet Guard. A baby and victory mood had left him lax on attention. “Good afternoon, yes, indeed. Have you fortified the undefensed vehicle garages yet?” he managed at last. Some weeks ago, he’d noticed and reported this issue himself. On their arrival, Diana had been in charge of inspecting the piedmont base to meet their necessities yet she wasn’t fit to walk the complete parameters in the heat. He’d done it instead as her left-hand-man, used to similar tasks for silver officers in the nortan army. But then Diana was promoted to general and gave birth and now the colonel had the job and Shade loved to annoy him.

The attendees mumbled and cleared throats while Diana swallowed a breath. “We’ve been working on it,” she said, “good that you remind us of the need.” She took his arm and threw him a sharp look. She still didn’t appreciate his antics against her father. She returned her attention to the group. “I expect this to be remedied in two days,” she ordered, “the funds and supplies are ready.” With a nod, she bid them goodbye and closed the meeting, exiting the room and pulling Shade along.

With everyone going their ways, the three of them were left alone in the corridor. Time to breathe again. She hugged him from the side, her head resting on his shoulder. Shade cleared his throat. “Are you tired?”

She shrugged yet didn’t even sigh. Only looked at Clara and caressed her face until the baby captured a finger.

He laughed. “She has the fastest hands ever,” he said and Diana fell in. After a few seconds of leaning on him, she took Clara from him, holding her close, cheek to cheek. “My love,” she whispered.

Diana had loved her for months, already the mere idea of her. She was quicker to grasp the meaning of becoming a parent and yet – another thorough change had gone through her still, this passion she no longer tried to hide from others. He’d understood the appeal she found in secrecy but this new facet of her – it unmoored him, and it never failed to amaze him how many sides he discovered in her.

She turned to him and even then, he missed the weight of holding Clara. It had been like this since the first time she was in his arms, and he neither dared nor wanted to put her aside. He argued Diana had had her for months.

He swallowed. It was hard to move his mind out of childcare mode, yet it wasn’t like Clara’s needs would go away while they did other things. This was what this day was about – learn to balance childcare with the Guard, their specific jobs, their relationship, their lives. It seemed like it came easier to Diana to leave Clara in his or his parents’ care. She’d informed the officers and co-councillors she’d bring her daughter along to meetings but she was still so little and as Shade was eager to keep Clara close to him, they’d decided she’d return alone with her full attention.

“You know,” Diana said as they slowly paced, “we did talk about exactly the thing you brought up.”

He sucked in a breath – that explained her reaction. Did that leave his prompt awkward or on point? He hadn’t thought about the urgency of the request when he’d made it, and Diana knew this.

Their stances on the colonel differed, more so lately. Diana was less confrontational and he all the more, suspecting the colonel levelled undue demands at her. Diana was aware of her duties which only increased with her promotion but he thought the colonel’s remarks went beyond that.

Shade realized he turned passive-aggressive-protective when it came to the colonel. Shade couldn’t accept his continued lack of improvement; it was like he was the force urging Diana to work despite the demands of her body and baby to rest. He knew her weak spots and didn’t attempt to avoid them. Diana insisted she couldn’t judge her father too harshly – she knew why he was like this and had gone along with it, for years. When she explained, Shade almost felt bad for causing trouble. Support meant meeting her preferences to spare the colonel. But during those very same moments she told him about this, he witnessed how she’d suffered from his cold, distanced attitude. Shade couldn’t forgive the colonel still wouldn’t amend, not even when Diana had just had a baby. She’d hated living like that! Like functional professionals, comrades with no ties of family. Diana had pretty much admitted to Shade she wanted Clara because the colonel was no family for her.

Shade stopped to stroke her back. “The colonel treated you alright, didn’t he?” He refrained from asking if the colonel had been reprimanded for the unsupervised garages during the meeting.

She freed a hand to cuff his chest. “You’ve caught him alright.” She smirked. “But we mostly talked with Mare about court facilities and conflicts now the Samos have defected while Cal charmed everyone. His mood has lifted decidedly lately.”

“I see why.” His eyes found hers as he twirled a curl of her hair but even as he flirted, he thought of Mare and Cal’s clasped hands. Two more who couldn’t stop touching. Diana gave him an inquiring look but didn’t say anything else. Was it desire or wondering? He pressed his palm against her shoulders. “And are you alright?”

She nodded gravely, yet her face softened, if not fell. Her lips were so rose-red he considered it was lipstick as he traced such remnants left on his own. Her hair was washed and combed to loose curls, also carrying the distinct, sweet scent of roses. Plus her crisp white tunic over her red trousers – she had, most unusually, dressed up to the occasion.

“If this was a pissing contest,” he began, “I thought your tactic is to have them take you as you are?” She never prettied herself up for leisure, only for necessities like disguising on missions. Was this a mission in disguise for her? Maybe her co-councillors needed to be reminded Diana was only up and about already because she had Sara to heal all her infirmities and even that left her so exhausted after the birth that she’d slept for days.

She knew what he meant but shrugged. “Tried something out. You have to surprise them sometimes, get them off their feet.”

With a snort, he spun in front of her, taking her in. “You have flustered me,” he said, and tucked a curl behind her ear.

A cackle escaped her throat and for a moment, she stared at him as if she wanted to kiss him like before, his longing growing until it shifted into missing. Still she looked, and he knew she was playing with him.

She opened her mouth but froze before saying whatever she intended. “She sleeps,” she murmured, pulling Shade’s gaze at Clara’s face half hidden in her shirt.

How come she was cuter every time he looked? She made him feel a pierce in his heart that could kill him. If it wasn’t Clara’s weight alone that bound him, her sight took him over on a new level now that she found into her own features. She resembled him so much, he couldn’t forget she was a part of him with the same colouring in shades of brown, with amber eyes as intricate and sweet as honeycombs.

Angling her head, Diana guided him away, with careful steps. “One meeting is enough for today,” she said with a glint in her smile. Of course she noticed how besotted he was. “I don’t care for work right now. I’d rather”, she went on, but dragged the moment out until he was dying to hear it, “like to go outside again.” That coda would be a cool-down if her eyes didn’t sparkle with excitement.

He glanced through the window into the afternoon sun, playing clueless himself. “But not with Clara.” He was still on the fence on bringing her outside during the day, assuming she was as heat-sensitive as her mother and a generally delicate newborn.

Diana chuckled but her eyes never stopped fixing him. “No,” she said slowly. “She can stay with your parents.” He nodded, still uncertain where this was going, till she added, “so you can finally give me my birthday present.”

He tensed, gasping, and lost his breath entirely when she whispered something so lewd in his ear he’d never dreamed of hearing. “Sure,” he agreed, his voice husky with arousal. “I‘ve promised.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks earlier, May 13th

In the gym, the light was blinding. Farley squinted against the sunshine falling in from the high windows before adjusting, stepping over the patterns of light and shadows thrown on the floor. The activity in the hall revived an itch in herself, to walk outside, feel every muscle of her body in power instead of heavy and tired out by the heat, days spent sitting through meetings and calculations, and nine months of pregnancy.

Well. She let her arms swing, stretching and enjoying to walk. That was a thing she’d started doing in the meetings, too, standing and wandering and making the other attendees get used to it. It was better this way. She was a general now, her duties heavier than ever. She couldn’t disappoint the leadership that had promoted her, nor the soldiers under her command now. She had to impress the monfortan faction and have them support the Guard making further alliances as she kept together the fragile coalition between red, silver and newblood rebels, in Norta and the Lakelands. But endure and stay unassuming until she collapsed, or insist on her needs and have them accept that. After the daunting experience two weeks ago, enough was enough.

Shade would support. So much that she did it on her own, before she complained to him and he reminded her to go through with what she preferred. She’d begun to feel embarrassed to need him to tell her to trust herself, yet it was encouraging to know he had her back.

Now she found his back in the hall, bent over himself to stretch, just wrapping up his training. For a moment, she could only watch, the brown skin and outlines of his body embraced and gilded by the sun, his sinews and muscles emphasized in lithe elegance as his grown, longish hair fell over his face. She wanted to brush through it. Sometimes, he called her a study in pastel sunrise, but he was the warmth of sunlight and fire, entwined with the shadows they cast. The light in the dark. The strength hidden in shadows. When he looked up and faced her, she bit her lip, caught staring and distracted by his beauty.

He smiled as she reached him. “You done?” she asked.

His fingertips brushed her bare arms, causing the hairs on her skin to rise as if it was still the first time touching. “I’ve just been passing the hours, waiting till your schedule’s over,” he said. As they moved to the edge of the hall, his smile fell. “You had no issue with working the whole of today?”

They passed a wall bar and on a whim, she stopped, leaning against it. She reached up, holding Shade’s gaze. “It was okay, the usual.” She breathed out as her arms stretched above her. Just the memory of sports excited her.

Shade positioned himself in front of her, hands grabbing the bar behind her waist and meeting her eyes. “You’re really alright,” he said, pondering.

In lieu of shrugging, the corners of her mouth twitched. It wasn’t like she felt no strain at all. “It’s neat.”

“Okay then. I wish you,” he grinned, “a happy due date.”

Now she winced for real. “Must you with this again? I didn’t have the slightest cramps today.”

His grin was lingering. He leaned ever closer so their bellies touched, his hand shifting to her waist. Although her body’s shape had changed so much, his touch there was no less enticing and the glint in his amber eyes told her it was the same for him. He inched forward, angling his head to kiss her jawline. “No?” She sensed a nervousness in his whisper, similar to her own. “I must’ve mixed this up.” He looked up. “Happy birthday, I mean.”

For a moment, she just wanted to drink in the love in his gaze. Then she shifted to nuzzle his cheek, maintaining her grasp of the bar, enjoying the kinky restraint of it. “Thank you,” she murmured, as she breathed in. His other hand joined the embrace of her waist and she thought this was it. She had worked despite the imminent birth of their child, expected by today, but being with Shade, right here right now, erased the stress and exhaustion.

As they broke apart, she gasped. He considered her. “If you want to work out,” he said, “a coach might have recommendations.”

She shook her head. “Never mind. We can go swimming again tomorrow.” She relaxed and let go of the bar but Shade still held her so tightly as if to pretend he was lifting her down. They stayed close, brows meeting. Her now free hands couldn’t decide where to touch him first. Only the idea of letting go and part was unimaginable. She reached for his hair and almost anticipated someone in the gym making a lewd comment.

“I’ve promised you a present,” Shade said, and the memory of it fired up, despite all that had happened in between. She hesitated.

His lips grazed her ear. “I want to show you something.” And before someone could interrupt their romantic mood, she followed him out with delight.

He had left her outside in anticipation of kisses and “promises” to wash. Quickly, she hoped. Foolishly, she’d exited the gym and stood outside, rolling on her heels and massaging her back. Despite the shade of the entry and its awning, the heat of the late afternoon made her sweat again. This time of the day the warmth of Piedmont accumulated the most. She had found it hard to tolerate it the first time she was this far south years ago, and she found it even harder right now, pregnant and, although she disliked to combine the words, sadly swollen. Just the weather, she comforted herself, just the last days.

“Diana.”

Her name whispered from behind made her shiver her like a welcome breeze. Shade’s fingers slid over her shoulder, along her arms, before joining their hands. “Sorry you had to wait,” he added.

She glanced at him, cleaned and his hair messy but glittering with water drops. His face was concerned, even as he led the way.

He knows I hate the heat. Touching but it was her fault for going outside. She shook her head. “No matter,” she replied. She leaned over and kissed his cheek, watching him swallow afterward. That was what he got for teasing – he wanted to give in, too.

The base wasn’t completely awful – the landscape was in full bloom, all green trees with flowers along the way, fresh and sweet scents accompanying their walk. Farley was stunned such a peaceful place existed, even considering it was a military base. Its silvers creators combined function with beauty – or rather, luxury. It felt unreal, like a dream or refuge and it woke memories in her, letting her imagine a different time. Or world.

The beauty seduced one like a trap, only she had been on guard the moment she’d set foot here, and the heat was a further warning to keep her mind clear.

And she needed to, as Shade wove them along the side paths and quieter, less used buildings of the complex. To set and keep the base running, she’d poured over lists and maps and found the spots they walked now on paper before she had sent people to inspect, guard or man them, if their purposes were required. One day, she’d tried to walk over the base herself until she admitted it beyond her strength. Shade had been doing it for her and now he showed the fruits of this tour. He navigated them easily and experienced around corners she wouldn’t have guessed led anywhere and despite the maze-like trip, it was one of shortcuts, as it only lasted a few minutes before he stopped.

He turned to her, grasping her shoulder. “You alright?”

She patted his chest. “I’ll survive.”

He smiled in response, guiding her into the small building in front of them, which was, indeed, a porch on the backside of a house, overgrown with wisteria and lilac bushes around it.

Stepping inside, it had remained surprisingly cool and was rather dim, the jalousies half down and the windows covered with pollen. The seats inside were invitingly cozy, a few chairs with a couch and a bench surrounding a low table.

Shade presented it all with a flourish, letting her choose a favourite seat. She sank into the couch, resting her arm on the edge of it. “Could you have foreseen this thing?” she said. “This place is exactly …” Her hand lay on the cusp of her belly, and her head fell back. Above, thick and dark wooden beams intertwined with tangles of the wisteria tree growing beside the walls, almost like a pillar. The scent of the bloom enveloped her while Shade opened a cabinet. He produced an array of food on a painted plate. Numerous snacks up for the taking, like bread, dips, slices and several sweet desserts.

Already, Farley lunged for a waffle as soon as he set it down.

“Wolfish hunger.” He cackled, then sat, sideways and only on the edge of the couch. “I’m glad to match your tastes.”

“Thank you,” she mumbled after she’d swallowed.

“Though, I could organize a grill for warm food if that provided you more satisfaction.”

She froze in her tracks of eating another cake. “You brought it all here before?”

He shrugged. “Well, you prefer to walk but I have quicker ways.” He winked. “I’ve had the whole day you were working to prepare.” He bent over to align a dish anew and Farley’s head spun.

She caught his hand and fixed his eyes. “Really, thank you” she repeated.

“It’s simply dinner.”

“But you knew I’d want it this way.” Her eyes burned with feelings. She wouldn’t cry over it. Skies, her emotions these days. He only returned the favour of celebrating their birthdays but she’d given him a surprise party in February. She had hardly been sure he’d like it until he did, glad to make his guests happy with a party.

Today, he acted with the certainty she wanted it quiet and intimate.

The same certainty he watched her with right now. She was still captivated as he sank before her, kneeling and resting his hands and chin on her knees.

His eyes were on fire.

“I’ve promised,” he said.

“I’m eating,” she replied. Still overwhelmed.

For a moment, he was aghast, his jaw dropping. Then laughter rose deep from his chest and lasted as he buried his face on her legs. Farley reached out, grasping his hair, again, giving in to another craving. As she brushed through it, she considered to add eat me, despite her comment. But like the time he’d made the promise to explore and taste every inch of her under the shadows of flowers, it was more image and idea, more fantasy than real.

Her knees parted just slightly, accommodating him. She lifted the back of his head, searching his gaze. “No kidding,” she said softly, “but no.” She still played with his hair, savouring every touch. “I’m not up for it. I feel, like, primed for childbirth.”

He took that in, even as she grimaced. Taking his hand, she invited him to rise again and he did, cuddling into her side on the couch.

“This is enough,” she whispered, then gave him a side glance. “For now.”

He smirked. “You’ll hold me to it?”

“I’ve waited so long.” She sighed dramatically. “But you can give me another present. What about the boy name you wanted to come up with?” They had decided on Farley-Barrow as the family name and as she wished to call a girl for her mother or sister, she left the choice of a boy name up to him. He’d agreed but offered no clues.

He looked ridiculously scandalized. “Out of patience? I’ll tell you when we meet them.” He paused. “If they’re not a girl.”

She tsked. “So you wouldn’t tell … ever?” She hesitated to point out the other option – another child after this one.

Neither did he, only smirking more mysteriously until it turned into giggles. The sound was as delightful as the butterfly kisses he placed on her shoulder and arm. His fingertips danced over the curve of her belly and although she eyed another snack, she was caught in fascination over the elegance of his long and nimble fingers.

Even as he kept it up, his face shed playfulness. He glanced up. “Are you afraid?”

She blinked, stunned to standstill. “Way to kill the mood,” she said. “I thought you meant to celebrate my birthday.” She turned her head away and reached for the pistachio-chocolate cookie. Anything but to look at him.

“I meant –”

“You could’ve waited until tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow you might be in labour.”

“Maybe it’s not a good question to ask to begin with.” She chewed.

“Diana!”

She swallowed her snack and let the delicious taste linger in her mouth. It harmonized with the fragrance of the bloom.

He sighed, his brow sinking against her temple. “You’re afraid for them,” he said. His hand splayed on her belly.

She had been afraid for their baby every day. She let work distract her, believing in the cause that would protect the future of their child. Still, now everything could trigger a bout of panic that only feeling it move could unwind. Sometimes, she dropped so deep she needed Shade’s comfort to assure her, his embrace holding her up when she doubted she’d have a child to hold.

I can’t be so lucky to have a living child.

It might make it to full term but be stillborn after all.

To invest all this love and effort might be the riskiest plan I’ve ever made.

When half your family had been taken from you and the rest chose to ignore you, it seemed presumptuous to start your own.

When she wrestled death every day, her own survival through all this time felt like cursed luck as her friends and comrades kept dying.

“We’ve talked through that already, didn’t we?” she said quietly. “That I’m emotionally preparing for the worst.” She added her hand to his, fingertips touching. With perfect timing, the baby shifted.

“It’s lively,” she said, the eternal relief making her smile at Shade. He had to feel it, too. It always surprised him, usually mixed with amusement, yet this time, he appeared rather amazed. Stunned, like swept off his feet.

It happened sometimes, that he showed it – how overwhelmed he was, uncertain what to make of becoming a father. He’d told her, once, and regretted it afterwards. Not wanting to cause her a bad conscience as she had been the one to choose, convinced, and he followed along. He did his best, caring for her, supporting her every day, and she understood. He did for her.

Shade cleared his throat. “But what about you?” he asked, returning to his initial question.

Her head feel back. “Ah, me.” She smiled weakly and enmeshed his hand with her fingers. “I’ll live,” she said, turning to him. At his frown, she went on. “I have Sara to take care of me. We can rely on her.”

Shade inclined his head, accepting this, but still waiting. She sighed. “She is a relief,” she insisted. “She can’t do nothing if our baby isn’t … but I trust she can keep me safe.”

Shade opened his mouth. “Don’t worry,” she said. His lips shut in a tight line. He’d keep fearing for her like she did for the baby, for the worst, without believing it. They couldn’t help it.

“But …” she swallowed. “I’m not sure how it’ll be, of course. I like to think I know pain and endurance, yet who knows? Maybe it’ll be so much worse.” He squeezed her hand. “Or how long it’ll take. It could take days.” She grimaced.

“That would be …” He didn’t like that either.

“Yes, but Caroline says …” Caroline was the nurse who worked with Sara and had treated Farley the last months. “That long births don’t have to be a bad thing. That the body takes its rest and slows down. Better to let it work on its own time than interfere.” She shrugged. “Well, if it’s safe for us? Doesn’t sound like fun though.”

Shade leaned up and kissed her temple. “The baby will be fun,” he said.

She chuckled. “I hope so! And a lot of work, too.” She wanted to stroke her belly again yet didn’t want to let go of Shade’s hand either. So she just looked down. “Maybe I enjoy the waiting too much,” she said softly. “For now, it lives in some way.”

“Dee …”

The fear never left her fully. She shook her head, lightly. “Some pregnant people can’t stand these last days. Totally uncomfortable. I don’t know. At least I can move now. Once I’m in labour, or after the birth, I can’t be sure. I could be too weak to do much of anything.” She faced him, drawing in his gaze. His golden eyes held such warmth, love and determination, despite his own insecurities.

He wouldn’t leave her side. He trained and she was a general of his but he wouldn’t go anywhere that brought him further away than one jump. He hadn’t done so since the day they’d freed Mare.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two weeks earlier

Early, on May 1st, they rose in the dark to start an attack. It was the day of the royal wedding, an auspicious date, one celebrated in old worlds and new. But who would celebrate today?

Hitting on the event amused Shade tremendously. Even as he and Farley were getting dressed in their ridiculously sumptuous, formerly silver lodgings that Shade had bargained for them in the piedmont base, he was electrified with excitement.

Farley didn’t share it. She couldn’t relate to the spring in his step, the way one slice of bread was enough for him for breakfast while she could’ve devoured a full table. She was exhausted and weary. The Scarlet Guard had arrived at the base no whole two days ago and as she had wondered aloud how safe the place was, she had been quickly asked to examine it. That alone would’ve been enough work for her but she also had to acquaint herself with their new monfortan newblood soldiers, their leader Davidson, the Guard’s own reinforcements and the battle plans themselves, deciding who fit into which specific task. She couldn’t bail on that. The international alliance of red leaders was a triumph by itself, one she’d played a vital part in brokering. At least she had no role in assigning everyone else to their beds.

So she hadn’t had time to sleep her due since they’d arrived and even when she’d closed her eyes, what she’d learned of Davidson’s secrets and schemes kept her awake. It had flustered him how pregnant she was when they met, although he’d known it before. Seeing that made a difference, as well as her face when he admitted how he blackmailed the piedmont rulers. By their children.

“You disapprove,” Davidson had said.

“We’ll have to make the most of your efforts,” she’d deflected. At his unflinching stare, she added, “it heightens their motivation to retaliate. And who will be their target?” She’d breathed heavily. “I don’t plan to give the enemy more reason to target our children than they already do.” The nortan draft had wrought enough damage. She’d held up a hand to Davidson. “I understood what it does to them.”

“Dee,” Shade called her now as she still sat on the bed, too high, too large, too richly embroidered. Behind her, he massaged her shoulders, a knee on the bed.

With a sigh, she fixed her gun and straightened. “Coming.” He reached for her hand with an encouraging smile, helping her up.

They clasped hands as they walked to meet the teams before take-off. The twilight before dawn stroked Shade’s features, drawing out his eagerness. He possessed a deadly beauty on this morning as he looked ready to kill. And all that time, this smile. How she had wished to bring that smile on his face, since he had told her how he’d tried but refrained from freeing Mare by himself three months ago.

Farley did think it had been too risky to just try at a random chance. She dreaded lose him, then and today. Still she felt guilty she and their baby stopped him from saving his other family. She owed more to him. She owed more to Mare. Doing nothing for six months was a shame for all of them.

So she relished the smile he showed in anticipation, at the prospect of acting. They stopped in a corner in front of the meeting point, turning to each other. His eyes, so warm and hopeful, were bright and golden as the sun – or more so, before sunrise. She looked so long she drowned in his eyes before he kissed her goodbye, cupping her jaw. On hand on her midriff, he attended to their child. But it was still all too casual to be a farewell. They both avoided to make it one, to acknowledge defeat, that he might not return. She couldn’t deny him this yet a part of her didn’t want to let him go, afraid it’d be their last touch.

He broke off, smirking, grasping her hands. “We’ll show them fire,” he said.

“And burning bright,” she added, their private battle motto taunting the Calore fire. Now she smiled, matching his mood, until he let go to join his comrades. Ending their moment. There was more to say, countless things, but Shade was too optimistic and thrilled, and she – she couldn’t, wouldn’t scare him. They’d gone through the alternate plans during the briefings, and she wouldn’t ask him to come back, no matter how much she wished.

Then he stopped, went back in his tracks and returned to her. Hugging her. “My love,” he whispered. “you’ve made a masterplan.”

Now she couldn’t help it, she grinned from the bottom of her heart even though her eyes grew wet. “Obviously,” she replied.

She arrived at the control room once their soldiers were sent off to Archeon. She nodded to fellow officers and assistants staying behind as she dropped in her chair, relieved. Every step of the walk had felt heavier. The exhaustion only increased her dread, the anxiety about the operation, and this place.

Theoretically, they wouldn’t really have to run things from here, as they didn’t have the means to interfere. They gathered just to watch and communicate with the fighters and their sources on location. Farley relied on their information, already going through preparations to set up if all went awry. Not only the mission. Eventually, Maven would counter.

And his new lakelander allies? She was sick when she heard of the wedding and saw the prideful appearances of the royal Cygnets beside Maven. Norta and the Lakelands, finally at peace, after all the killing they’d forced their red populations into? The Scarlet Guard’s plan, her own work, had been about uniting the red populations the silvers in charge were turning into enemies and this alliance tried to make it look pointless. Like Maven knew, foresaw. It was hardly a surprise, he had met Farley himself and could identify her as a lakelander. And what he tortured out of Mare –

Farley couldn’t find a comfortable position in her seat. She glanced around the room, decidedly not pausing on her father. He was looking at her, of course. Her cheek twitched as she suppressed a wince.

The Cygnets would’ve shared with Maven intel on the Guard to fight them. It made their situation so much more precarious. It made this mission so important. Maven believed he had the upper hand and the Guard would punch him with this offensive while the allies from Montfort were the major surprise.

If only Davidson hadn’t provoked Piedmont …

They wouldn’t have attained this base without the provocation though. Still, that did nothing to reassure Farley. She imagined Piedmont taking it back. She thought of the mission failing, no one returning. And even Maven having them roused this same day, countering immediately once he learned of the infiltrated base, Piedmont happy to help him.

While she watched the notifications come in, listening to the officers’ comments and making replies, she tapped her fingers on the table. Her pulse wouldn’t calm. It wasn’t only the hole ripping her heart at the idea of losing Shade. She felt, all around, profoundly unsafe in this place. She couldn’t trust it. She didn’t want to stay, the richness of her rooms only stressing the presumptuousness of the move here. It was a risk she wouldn’t have taken.

The first thing she did here, even before checking what the base offered, was planning how to evacuate, how to notify everyone and to assess –

A tightening in her lower back surged so viciously it took her breath. It returned with a silent curse.

She fisted her hands in reaction, holding herself up with her arms on the table. Don’t bend over. Her gaze flew over the room. They hadn’t noticed, had they? She’d already looked worn when she arrived, after all. Her heart beat even stronger and her breathing grew quicker. She tried to check herself. She felt still tense, but it hadn’t hurt that much. Maybe it was a one time thing. She cleared her mind, brought herself back on track, caught up on anything she missed. Nothing, it had been that short.

But another cramp came, even as she was prepared. She grinded her teeth. She couldn’t go into labour now, not with all the dangers to anticipate.

She waited it out. Waited for her body to settle again and took a swallow from her water. Then she rose. “Excuse me,” she announced, “I don’t feel well.” She endured their shocked, wary stares with a straight face. “I’ll be in my room, should the situation change.”

She ignored their replies, couldn’t stand more of them and see what lay behind them. How they must take this as confirmation she was unreliable, someone to worry about, who, obviously, visibly, had other priorities than the war.

But sometimes you couldn’t choose what was priority, sorry not sorry. Some needs of the body were too strong to be denied, and she wasn’t any less committed for it. She had done everything they wanted, everything to serve and impress outside of fighting. The pain and stress only increased her anger. The way to her rooms was short, even as her gait was stiff and careful, expecting another cramp. Even when it happened, at the door, she could manage with heavy breathing.

Possibly, the lodgings were worth Shade’s bartering. It was central, cozy, and featured a bathroom. He reminded her to worry for herself. Not to push herself too much. But she couldn’t help having to prove herself. She couldn’t give up the work, had to use her position so their child would have a future. A position she could only hold by doing more than less.

“That’s unfair,” Shade said.

“I know!” she agreed. But it wasn’t the whole truth. There was talk of a promotion and she wanted more. So she could ask more for herself – like their rooms, or a rest. So she could make up for when she’d failed. So the newbloods maintained the attention of Command, and the leadership wouldn’t give up on Mare, drop Shade, Cal, Kilorn, Sara, Cameron or the other Barrows who helped her and the cause so much.

She owed too much to turn away.

She leaned on the velvet couch, closing her eyes. Did she imagine the cramps lessened? She breathed in and out, slowly, focused, calming herself. Fixating on the room. Despite the salmon wallpapers with printed patterns in pink and white, it remained cooler than its warm colouring suggested. It was a north-facing place with two large windows looking over the woods with heavy awnings over a balcony featuring escape stairs. She hadn’t set foot on the balcony but Shade had checked. He had mainly picked the apartment for the coolness, to ease her time in the hot and humid weather here. He also insisted they’d need rooming fitting a family that was close to the command center with control and meeting rooms as well as the infirmary. That left only this apartment filled with silver luxury, so ridiculous in its splendour Farley had wanted to object. “We don’t know how long we’ll even stay.”

Shade didn’t bend. “We don’t know when we’ll need the space,” he claimed and went on to order a second desk besides the massive dark wood table before the windows. He asked if its chair met Farley’s needs before adding a more useful table between the couches, a bed for a newborn and wondering if she desired anything else. She disagreed with the four-poster bed hangings and the heavy extra blankets piled on the bed and those he removed in a minute before cataloguing the bookshelf and picking one book with delight.

In a moment of uncertain ease, she got a glass of water and a wet towel and settled on the couch. She still hadn’t made peace with it – the decorative explosion destroyed the comfort in her opinion; the embroideries were scratching. But carefully, she laid down, head on the seat, her butt propped up on a thick, tasselled and equally embroidered pillow. She hoped that helped to relax her womb. At least her appetite was gone, though she wasn’t sure how hunger would later go with actual labour.

I should have known not to give in, she thought, with the wet towel over her eyes. Not to the demands, not to her pride. But nothing would return her control over her body when it came to this. At some point, she would give birth and would offer all her powers to that alone.

Wasn’t that a job big enough?

“Are you okay?” she whispered to her belly, showing aside the towel and found a stucco ceiling above her. She had no idea how this must feel to her child. She remained alert, waiting for an intensifying to call on the infirmary. Sara wasn’t even here, going on the mission despite – or because of – any horrors she’d suffered at the palace. Farley understood that all too well, yet it left her even more unsafe.

If she had to be honest, she expected to manage the birth without Shade holding her hand. She didn’t want to. She craved his attention, relied on his support, sank into the relief he provided as love tokens. He would’ve helped her examined the base yesterday, too, versed in similar tasks he’d done for the nortan army as an aide. But he’d had his own preparations and training to go through before the operation.

Last afternoon, after Shade had returned from training and she’d needed a break from her papers, she’d prompted to defile the bed with him, one more lovemaking they wouldn’t call a goodbye tryst. One memory to cherish and cheer her up.

She didn’t dare to imagine he would fall in battle, but his absence left its mark anyway. What truly scared her was Shade not there to remove her from danger. That was why labour right now appeared so threatening. She’d be immobilized and in pain, and afterwards thoroughly exhausted, maybe injured, and with a crying, helpless newborn to care for. It was the one time she couldn’t protect herself, no matter how many weapons she carried.

She’d avoided teleporting with Shade for months, as the ongoing pregnancy only increased her nausea caused by jumping. But it was also the sole guarantee of safety she had should they come under attack. She’d have to do it. Yet he wasn’t here to help her when she feared Maven’s and Piedmont’s vengeance. She sucked in a breath, feeling a pierce. Waiting. Calm. Distraction.

She reached for Shade’s book on the table (already replaced and fortunately higher than the one before). Trying to read it proved to be in vain rather quickly – it was the sequel, not beginning, of a complicated story and oddly erotic. She really couldn’t afford thoughts of arousal at the moment. Instead, she returned the towel over her eyes, still wet enough to cool. Under its comforting darkness, she decided to ask Shade about his book, and why he was so excited to have found it. If only they had more time to talk about books. But had they not chosen this life …

I should have known not to give in. Maybe they could’ve had other lives, but in those they would’ve never met. And if she wanted more ways to live for their child, she had to do this. If they both got to meet and make it safely through this day.

Thumping. Rumbling. Stepping. She twitched in her dreams, the sounds a part of them before she shifted into waking. Her eyes opened, blinking, unseeing, until she felt a touch on her cheek.

“Dee.” A whisper to rouse her that rose into urging. “Diana!”

Her eyes finally saw. Shade was bent over her, flushed and panting. She groaned weakly, slowly lifting her hand, reaching for his. “Hm?”

He released a breath. Checked the pulse in her wrist. Looked up, then closed his eyes and rested his brow on hers.

Her mind recovered from sleeping, realizing. He was back. Safe. Her heart fluttered, first from waking, then with gladness. The light had changed to a warmer colour, the sun low and on the other side, gilding the contours of Shade’s face as the rays fell on him. Bless the room for its coolness, sparing her the heat of the day. She’d slept into the late afternoon and her body felt … loose. Not tense with cramps nor heavy with exhaustion. Her heartbeat eased. All was well.

The cramps caused a false alert and Shade was here and alive. As his other hand found her other, she squeezed it. “Hey, how did it go …”

But he was still over her, panting. Why was he panting? Was he injured? Didn’t he get healed? Why would he be so out of breath when he could teleport?

Finally, he lifted his head. Examining her face. “They said you weren’t well,” he said with a frown. “Left the control room. Are you okay?”

She shrugged. “I had cramps.”

Immediately, he was alarmed. “Cramps? You didn’t tell me? I’d never have left if you told me!”

She winced at his outburst and his face softened. His thumb caressed her cheek. His panicked worry still flustered her. “It’s over. Nothing happened. It was, like, preparative?”

That didn’t relax him. His frown remained and he kept that stare up, like the hold on her face. As if he needed to hold her for certainty.

“For a moment, I feared …” he began. Shivered. He didn’t continue as he sank lower, turning to crouch before the couch and not letting go of her hand. He grasped it with both of his, and she felt it touching his brow and lips.

Here he sat crumbled in front of her and clasping her hand like a lifeline. As if she might not have been here to find - alive. Was he even shaking?

She tried to pet his head but didn’t have the reach lying down. She was dazzled. He imagining something terrible had happened to her couldn’t have lasted more than five minutes yet it stabbed him to his core. She sighed and her hand fell on her chest. The baby stirred, unconcerned. At least one of them was at peace.

Maybe it was the mission. Mare. Farley didn’t know anything about it and the tension of the battle must linger in him. He acted like pregnancy was an illness that could suddenly kill them both. She was inclined to dismiss that though – you never knew. Nobody had checked on her all day, not even to inform her about the accomplished mission as she’d requested. It both angered and chilled her. It was as she suspected and feared – she had to function or she didn’t matter.

In the end, she preferred Shade’s fussing.

This wouldn’t do, and her appetite was returning. She wriggled the pillow away and then slid, ungracefully, off the couch to squat beside him. That startled him.

“Dee? Don’t –”

She put a finger on his mouth. “I’m okay because you came back to me.” Although in this position, she noticed something had changed. Thanks to the cramps, the weight of her womb sat lower. “If I feel bad, you can jump me right to the infirmary.” She should go there, period. She’d longed to be alone and lie down but what if the cramps had affected the baby? She’d never forgive herself to have waited. It was like the very real pain had chased away her paranoia.

Shade’s eyes widened at the unlikely offer of teleporting her. He rested his forehead on hers and she hugged his back, grasping his shoulders as if to claim him as hers. Her hands moved along with his heavy breathing. She needed to feel his presence as much as he needed hers.

“I think,” she began, “we can walk to the infirmary to be sure.”

Shade sighed loudly. “Can you?”

“We can try.”

He nodded slowly, then turned to her belly. “Don’t worry us like that,” he said to the baby.

“It’s not its fault,” she disagreed. “My body does that work.”

He gasped, caught off guard, and then – finally – his mouth formed almost a smile. “I’ll help you,” he said and carefully, they rose.

To no one’s surprise, she was a bit shaky on her feet. He stabilized her, and she fell against his chest. “You still haven’t told me about the mission,” she murmured.

He kissed her temple, fingers stroking her hair and back in an embrace. “It went well.”

That was all? Perhaps he also began to spare her now. But she could pester him later, because relief won over the need for details.

“And Mare? Losses?” That wasn’t a detail.

He altered his stance, to meet her eyes. “Mare is with us.”

Farley grinned like a fool and he grinned right back. How that elated her. She grabbed the fabric of his shirt. “I want to see you tell her you got me with child.”

He raised his eyebrows. “I thought we agreed we did it together?”

“We can be embarrassed together.”

He sobered. “Nothing embarrassing about it.”

Then he had a different recollection of all those times they told people. Delusions. Yet. Maybe he meant something else. His hand was on her belly again, right when the baby moved and he felt it, too. She saw his gladness, as well as excitement.

“I won’t leave you again,” he repeated with determination. A promise. She believed to find something important had shifted in him.

“Let’s go,” she said, not letting go of his arm to whole way to the infirmary. Mare lingered there, tapping her feet, likely waiting for something or someone.

“Mare, I’m sorry I just vanished –” Shade began but Mare didn’t hear a word as her jaw dropped at their sight.

Shade had been right. Farley didn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed this time. She was exclusively happy now Mare could be shocked by something as delightful as their baby and she laughed.

A/N 2: So, the book Shade's reading is acomaf, basically. Or an alternate universe version written a 1000 years in the future by a silver because fairy porn will never die. I'll elaborate on that in To Break A Storm.