#dancing with fire

Versions without the light and shade effects and with the a filter to make lighting because I was not confident

   As Joel drove you to the airport, you couldn’t help but stare at his beautiful features as you watched him flex his hand around the leather steering wheel. You watched as his soft brown eyes flicked back and forth between you and the damp road up ahead, watched as he took his hand and ran it in slow circles over your thigh, watched as he slowly brought your hand up to his plush lips as he gently kissed the back of your knuckles as warmth coated your insides with nothing but love. You could stay like this forever, watching him drive while you were in the passenger seat just being in his presence. That was enough to keep you smiling. 

   You were pulled from your deep thoughts as Joel stopped the truck in front of the large airport, parking under an awning as he turned the engine off. He pulled the key from the ignition and turned to you slowly, giving you a soft smile as he grazed your thigh one more time. 

   “You ready?” he asked as he looked at you with deep brown eyes. You nodded your head up and down and gave him a gentle smile. “Let’s go then, pretty girl.”

   He threw his seatbelt off and grabbed your pink rolling suitcase from the backseat as you climbed out of the truck and slammed the door shut, hurrying through the sliding doors before you got caught in the pouring rain. 

   Joel followed you through as he rolled your suitcase in and set it down next to you. “You got your boarding pass and your ID?” he asked as he watched you get them out of the pockets of your jeans, slipping them back in as he nodded an okay. “What about your iPhone charger? You got that?”

   You laughed as you pointed to your suitcase. “It’s right in there. Wanna ask me if I got anything else?” 

   “Nah, think you’re golden,” he said as he flashed you a dazzling smile. He was always so beautiful when he smiled. It always made the crow’s feet pull at the corners of his bright eyes and made his dimples display which you loved. 

   You stayed standing there a minute, scuffing your sneakers against the polished floors as you listened to overhead announcements about outgoing flights. Joel ran his hand through his tousled curls and took a step forward, his toes meeting yours. 

   “You ready?” he asked as you looked up into his calm brown eyes. 

   “Not really,” you said as you shook your head back and forth. The truth was, flights made you nervous, and you also weren’t ready to leave him. Even if it was just for two days. 

   “How come? Flights make you nervous?” 

   “Yeah, but that’s not all. I’m also… I’m also gonna miss you,” you said quietly as you furrowed your brows together, looking at the floor as if you could see your own reflection through the shine of the tiles. 

   “Oh, sweetheart.” He brushed a strand of hair behind your ear and grazed his calloused fingers down your jawline, filling you with warmth the longer he did it. “You’ll be jus’ fine, darlin’. It’s jus’ two days,” he said encouragingly as he continued to gaze at you with big brown eyes, eyes you wanted to drown in. 

   “Two days is an awfully long time without you…” you sighed, eyes glistening as you felt a tear trying to escape the back of your eye. You wouldn’t let it. 

   It was only two days. What the fuck was wrong with you? Two days. But lately you’d been spending all your time with Joel, so even days apart seemed like weeks to you now. 

   “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” he huffed as he dragged his thumb along your lower lip, tracing the edge as he concentrated on your pink lips, like he was studying every inch of them to burn into his memory. “I’m gonna miss ya too, sunshine.”

   With that, he pulled you into a tight hug as he threw his arms around you and you crashed against his broad chest, arms going around his back as you breathed in his fresh soap smell and of course his coffee scent.  

   “You be sure to text me as soon as you land, okay?” he said as he pulled back and entwined his fingers around yours as you squeezed his large hands. 

   “I will, I promise,” you nodded. 

   “Good. Jus’ try to relax a little this weekend, okay? Clear your mind. Have fun with your mother and get some sun,” he said as he trailed his thumb against the back of your hand in soothing circles, making your nerves lessen the more he did it.

   “I will, Joel. Promise.”

   He nodded and cupped your chin as he lifted your face to his and pressed a gentle kiss to your lips, making your heart soar out the window. When he released his lips from yours, he glanced back into your eyes, studying you as he took in your dreamy stare. 

   “I wish I could take you with me. You don’t think you can fit in my suitcase, do you?” you teased as he squeezed your hand and chuckled lightly. 

   “I don’t think so, baby. Looks like you gotta go without me.”

   “Yeah, guess so…” you said back quietly, eyes gazing down at the white tiles as sadness started to fill the pit of your stomach. Joel must’ve noticed because he looked like he was trying to reassure you. 

   “Hey, you’re gonna be jus’ fine. The flight is gonna be smooth, and you’re gonna have the best time bein’ back home. So don’t you dare give me those sad eyes, I won’t allow it,” he replied as he lifted your chin to meet his deep eyes. 

   “Oh, you won’t allow it? Is that right?” you laughed, challenging him to the question. 

   “That’s right, sweetheart.”

   “So, what are you gonna do about it then?” you smirked, eyebrow raising as a small smile pulled at his lips. 

   “Gonna have to do this.” He cupped the back of your head and sank his lips down to yours as he caressed and gently nipped at your bottom lip, getting lost in the weight of his kiss. 

   You broke apart from him when you heard the overhead intercom say that Tampa was boarding in thirty minutes, meaning your time with Joel was up. 

   You looked up sadly as he gave you a crooked smile. “Guess you better go then. Gotta go catch your flight,” he said slowly as you nodded your head back. 

   “Yeah, I guess I should.”

   He stepped up and pressed a gentle kiss to your forehead as he slid his hands down your arms, his fingers curling around yours. “Well, guess I should let you go on. Don’t wanna miss your flight.”

   “No, don’t want that,” you answered back hesitantly.

   He grazed his knuckles against your jawline and took a step back as all the warmth left your body the further he stepped away from you. You felt hot tears lick the edges of your eyes, but you held them in. Be strong, be strong. 

   “Have a safe flight, sweetheart. I’ll see you later.”

   You watched him take four steps closer to the sliding doors, and you felt your heart beat unsteadily against your chest. You didn’t want him to go, but he needed to. He needed to let you get to your flight. 

   Without thinking, you called out his name before he could take another step toward the door. “Joel?” 

   He turned back toward you slowly as he knitted his eyebrows together, his honey eyes finding yours. “Yeah?” he asked, waiting for some sort of question. You had none though, you just wanted to be in his arms. 

   You dropped the suitcase handle and ran to him, immediately throwing your arms around his back as you knocked into his broad chest, feeling his strong arms slowly circle around you as he breathed you in deeply. 

   “Haven’t even made it to the door yet, and you already miss me that much?” he chuckled as he placed another kiss to the top of your head gently. 

   “Mhm,” you hummed, not willing to let him go just yet. 

   “C’mon, sunshine. You’re gonna miss your flight. You’ll be fine,” he reassured you as you unhooked your arms from him and took one hesitant step back.

   “Yeah, yeah. I’m going,” you laughed as you sighed once more, taking a good look at Joel as you memorized every golden brown fleck in his eyes and mapped out every single line on his face. 

   “Alright then, go on,” he instructed as he squeezed your hand once more and gently released, dropping his fingers from yours slowly. 

   “Bye, Joel,” you whispered as you turned, sighing at the aching feeling that was pulling hard in your gut. 

   Before you took another step, Joel reached out and grabbed your wrist, pulling you back again as he circled your hips and planted his lips firmly over yours. The kiss was passionate, desperate, a wildfire that was burning out of control, but you loved it. You loved him. It was smothering any doubts and anxiety that were flooding your crowded mind, always, every time his lips were slotting against yours. 

   When he finally released his lips from yours, he rested his forehead against yours, pressing his lips gently to your crown as he gave you one last kiss. “I love you, pretty girl,” he whispered, sending tingles down your spine as the words sounded like music to your ears. God, you loved him so much. 

   “I love you too, Joel. So much,” you breathed, pressing your forehead into his for just a few more seconds, letting all your worries fade away with his gentle touch. He grabbed your hand and brushed his lips across your knuckles, saying goodbye one last time before you had to leave. 

   “Alright, sweetheart. I’ll see you in two days. Remember, text me as soon as you land,” he yelled as he started heading for the door. You waved goodbye and promised to text him as soon as you got into Tampa.

   You started heading for your gate and turned back around once more, taking one more good look at him. He turned around and smiled gently, pushing his curls away from his forehead as he turned to disappear through the sliding doors. You sighed as you lost sight of him and decided you needed to go. 

   As soon as you were through the gates, handing your ticket to the attendant and taking your window seat on board, you let your mind wander back to Joel. Maybe that would help calm your racing thoughts and nervous palpitations. 

   You took out your phone and slid your thumb across the unlock bar and pulled up your photo album. You clicked on the last picture and smiled as you took in you and Joel at the beach. Joel’s smile and indented dimple flashed across the screen while his strong arms were braced around your hips as he hugged you tightly to his chest. You couldn’t help but smile as you looked at the picture, remembering the best beach date you’d ever had in your life. And it was all because of Joel, your sweet boyfriend, the man that had saved you from your own self. The man that reached his arm down through the raging hurricane when you were drowning and pulled you back to dry land. He was your savior, the one you were meant to find all along. 

   Once the plane started to take off, you relaxed into the back of the leather seat and closed your eyes. The pilot’s voice echoed around the plane, but you couldn’t hear him. All you could hear and see was Joel’s bravado voice and his sweet smile. Everything was peaceful, safe, still as you took off and faded into a deep sleep.

When you stepped out of the Tampa airport, the Florida humidity hit you with a welcome home hot breeze. The shiny sweat from the muggy air stuck to your forehead, and you knew you were home. You let the blazing sun shine down on you as you tipped your head back and welcomed the warmth on your New York pale skin. You could use the sunshine after being in the cold and stuck inside a theater all day. 

   The familiar silver SUV came to a complete stop in front of the Southwest Airlines sign and that small tug in your gut seemed to alert you that this was it. You were truly home. Your mom scrambled out of the car with her floral tank top and favorite Jean capris she always wore when she was lounging at home. The sight seemed to blanket you in comfort as she walked behind the car and up to the cement block where you were. 

   Her face lightened up as she smiled brightly and sighed out in relief. “Honey?” 

   “Mom!” You ran over and wrapped your arms around her back as you felt warmth consume your body. All the pent up frustration, sadness, anxiety, tiredness, and emotions flooded you all at once, and tears started spilling out of your eyes as she embraced your body. 

   “Mom, I missed you so much,” you cried into her shoulder, shedding all the tears on her floral tank top as she ran a hand gently down the back of your hair. 

   “Oh, sweetie. I missed you more. My poor baby,” she said as she wiped the free falling tears from your face. “Come on now. Let’s get you home. I’ve got some dinner ready for us. Let’s just get you settled, okay?”

   You nodded as she grabbed your luggage and hauled it into the backseat. You took your place in the passenger seat as you shifted into the leather and buckled the seatbelt over your shoulder. When she was situated in the driver’s seat, you watched her start the car up as the engine rumbled to life, and then she was pulling out on the busy streets of Tampa. 

   “So, how was the flight?” she asked as she got over into the left hand lane. 

   “It was fine. I mostly slept, so it was a smooth flight.”

   “Good, that’s good. I’m glad you made it safe, sweetie.”

   “Me too.”

   The rest of the ride was quiet as you focused on the passing palm trees that towered in the sky and on the blue, clear skies that filled the open air. Your mind started to go still as you saw the lapping ocean waves in the distance. Warm, gentle waves crashing against the shoreline as you got closer to home. 

   The silhouette of the shimmering water brought you back to Joel. To your first real date with him, when he held you in his strong arms on the warm sand, the way he kissed you like no one else did in your entire life, the way he made you feel everything so deeply, the way he said he loved you the other night. Suddenly you remembered you needed to text Joel. 

   You pulled the iPhone quickly out of your pocket and pulled up his name as it shone brightly on the lit up screen, and then you typed out the message. 

   You: Made it safely. Almost back to my house now. 

   Joel texted back a couple minutes later. 

   Joel: Glad you made it safely, sunshine. The flight was alright I assume?

   You: It was pretty smooth. I fell asleep for most of it. You know what helped me?

   Joel: What?

   You: Thinking of you :) 

   Joel: Ahh stop. Sweetheart, you’re gonna make me blush. 

   You: Did I succeed, handsome? ;) 

   Joel: You sure did, sunshine. What am I gonna do with you? 

   You: I bet you’ll think of something.

   Joel: Alright, alright. Just calm down or I’m gonna have to fly down there myself.

   You: I dare you ;) 

   Joel: Haha alright you little flirt. Go enjoy the sun and sand for me. I’ll see you in two days. 

   You: Miss you. 

   Joel: I miss ya more, sweetheart. Just two days. Then I can see my girl again. Alright now, go on. I’ll talk to you before bed. 

   You sent him one last text with a pink heart and shoved the phone back in the pocket of your jeans with a stupid grin plastered all over your face. Joel Miller was going to be the death of you. 

   “And just who were you texting? Hmm?” your mom asked with a raised eyebrow as she looked over at you from the front seat. 

   “Oh, it was no one,” you smiled as you looked out the window to your warm, muggy beach paradise. 

   “Mhm, sure,” she laughed as she turned the car down a small block that would take you back home. You’d eventually tell her about Joel, but right now you wanted to keep him your little secret. If only just for a few more minutes. 

   When you pulled into the long driveway, the house was as still as it was the moment you left for New York. Large, cascading glass windows covered the sides of the white house. Whimsical wind chimes that you placed on the front porch floated effortlessly in the soft breeze of Florida. It’s like you never even left. 

   As you walked into the house, it was all the same layout. Tan leather couches splayed across the living room with the dark blue seashell rug covering the hardwood floors, the white drapes softly blowing through the open windows as salty ocean scents covered the entire house, the open kitchen with marble counters and high ceilings that you always loved sat untouched. The light blue walls with family pictures sprawled across horizontally hung bright in the sun as the widescreen tv hummed softly with low noises from the Discovery channel. This was home. You were home, finally. 

   “It’s just how I remembered it,” you sighed as the feeling of peace washed over you. For the moment, that’s all you felt. No anxious thoughts, no panic attacks, just the warm feeling of being home. Away from racing thoughts that filled your head with turbulence and loud noises. All that was gone for the moment. 

   “Nothing’s changed much since you left for New York. Same with your room. It’s just as you left it,” your mom smiled at you as you passed her up with your rolling suitcase. “I’ll let you get settled, and dinner will be ready whenever you are.”

   You made your way to your room, the last door to the right of the long, lit up hallway. The one right next to the huge glass window that overlooked the ocean which was basically just a couple blocks from your house. 

   As you turned into your open room, you took in everything as it was before. A large glass window that was covered with light purple drapes, a queen sized bed with the same fluffy white blanket sitting draped across the pressed sheets. The fairy lights hung neatly around the edges of the walls, your little bathroom still had the same seashell mat and tropical fish stickers sprawled across the mirror, your walk-in closet still had the piles of neatly hung summer dresses that you had left for keepsakes back home. It was all how you left it, and somehow that filled a hollow hole inside you that you had been missing. 

   Home. It was so good to be home. 

Dinner was quiet except for the small talk about things you’d missed in Florida like your dad, the neighbors across the street, the new boat your parents had bought. It made you miss home even more, but now your home was in New York, at the dance company, in that tiny, blue apartment you so desperately loved to escape from. 

   And then it was silent, only the scraping of metal forks against glass dishes and mouthfuls of meatballs and spaghetti. It was all good until your mom spoke those awful words you’d been trying to get around for as long as possible. 

   She set her glass of sparkling water down and stared at you with concerned eyes. “So, sweetie. About New York. You’ve been having a pretty rough time, haven’t you?”

   You sighed and dropped your fork against the fine china as the clinking metal made you jump. “Yeah, mom. It’s been rough for some time now.”

   “Why didn’t you tell me you were having a hard time?”

   “Because I didn’t want to worry you. I had it under control,” you lied. You definitely did not have it under control. In fact, the whole theater was on fire at this point. 

   “Oh, sweetie. I always worry about you, especially in a big state like New York.”

   You picked up the metal fork again and twirled it around some noodles caked in red sauce. You completely lost your appetite, but you needed to find something to distract your racing thoughts. 

   “Well, talk to me, honey. Start from the beginning. Tell me everything that happened,” she insisted as she stared at you with wide eyes. 

   You nodded and looked up sheepishly as you started from the beginning. You told her about how hard Carlotta was on you, how Pierre basically threatened you day after day, how bitchy Cecilia and her little friends were, how absolutely overworked and overwhelmed you’d been for months. And it just got worse as time went on. Nothing but a ball of stress until he showed up and saved you. Joel. Your knight in shining armor. Your everything. 

   “Oh, hun. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through all that,” your mom emphasized as she reached out and put a hand over yours. “And you tried talking to Carlotta? Are there higher ups you can go to? Gosh, I need to go up there and talk to her myself and-”

   “Mom. It’s okay. We - I mean I’ve got it under control, as much as I can. I’m dealing with it.” You stabbed a piece of seasoned broccoli as you looked hard at your plate, hoping you could somehow get out of talking about anymore of this mess. 

   “Isn’t your first big show next weekend?” she asked softly as her brows knit together in concern.

   “Mhm,” you huffed as you set your fork down and leaned back into the wooden chair. 

   “What are you going to do, sweetie? Are you really going to go through with it? After everything you’ve already been through?” she asked sadly as her eyes bore into yours. 

   “I… I don’t know, mom. If I don’t, my chances of ever dancing again for a big company are over. I’ve worked my entire life for this. I don’t want to just throw that away and…”

   She placed a hand softly on your wrist as you looked up with tears licking the corners of your eyes. “Honey. I know this is a tough decision, but you can’t keep dragging yourself through the mud. There’s only so much you can take until it eats you alive. I don’t want you to do this if you’re just torturing yourself.”

   You bit your tongue and felt the tinge of blood run down the back of your throat, feeling your insides lock up as you nodded your head and held back tears. “I know. I just… need to think.”

   “Sweetie…” She put her hand gently over yours and turned you to where you were facing her. “I know you’ve worked your whole life for this. I know you love dancing, and I know how good you are at it. I want to see you up on that New York stage more than anyone else, but not at the cost of my daughter.”

   You took in the weight of her words, eyes bright with held back tears as you nodded in her direction. She placed a hand gently on the side of your face and started again. “You know, you could always move back to Florida. I’m sure there’s…”

   “No!” Her eyes went wide as your sharp yell echoed across the open kitchen. Your heart sped up at the thought of leaving New York. You couldn’t leave. Not without Joel. 

   “No? Sweetie, why the urgency?”

   “I…” You tried to hold back, but it was no use. You’d have to tell her about Joel at some point, so why not now? “I… I met someone.”

   She sat up straighter in her kitchen chair with her eyes wide, mouth parted open as a small smile crept up to her pink lips. “Met someone? Tell me everything! What’s his name, what’s he like?” she asked excitedly as she nearly bounced right out of her chair with her plate of spaghetti surely to follow after her. 

   You leaned against the sleek table and propped one elbow up as you leaned your chin against your flexed knuckle. “His name’s Joel. He’s tall, has these big, beautiful brown doe eyes you can just get lost in. He’s so sweet and charming and protective and handsome. And he’s… he’s, well… perfect.”

   Your mom watched you carefully, watching the way your eyes glowed when you talked about him, watching the way your body seemed to melt into itself as you said his name again, repeating it like a dreamy song you could get lost in. 

   “Ahh. I know that look, sweetie. You’re in love, aren’t you?” she teased as she grabbed your hand and squeezed firmly, smiling her pearly whites to you as her feet shifted up and down. 

   “How do you know?” you asked as you raised your eyebrows in question. 

   “Hun, I’ve been there before. I know what falling in love feels like, and it’s that face right there that you’re making. And that smile, that warm smile. And the way you talk about him? My goodness. I’ve never seen that look on you before. You’re positively glowing.”

   You giggled out as you could feel your face turn bright pink. “Yeah, mom. I do love him, a lot.”

   “Well, I’m so happy for you, sweetie. He better treat you good. And I want to meet this man, next time I’m in New York. Is that understood?” she laughed as she pulled you in for a quick hug. 

   “Okay, mom. Of course you can meet him.”

   “Perfect.” She pushed back and kept her hands in yours for just a second longer. “I’m so glad you came home, sweetie.”

   “Me too, mom. Me too.” You finished off dinner and talked to your mom more about Joel, telling her how he was older and had a daughter, which she took well. 

   After a few hours of catching up, you got ready for bed and practically threw yourself into the warm, silky sheets. You could barely keep your eyes open, but you needed to text Joel goodnight. You slid the phone from your mahogany nightstand and typed his name out as you started making a cute little goodnight text for Joel. 

   You: Hope you’re enjoying your night, handsome.

   It didn’t take long for your phone to vibrate against your silk sheets as you brought it back up to your face. 

   Joel: Not as much as I’d be enjoying it if you were here, gorgeous. 

   You giggled out as you sent another text. 

   You: Think so? 

   Joel: I know so. 

   You brought the fluffy blanket up to your chin and bit your bottom lip as you thought of dreamy brown eyes and thick arms. 

   You: Well, I’ll be home in no time. Just a couple days, right?

   Joel: Home. You mean with me?

   Your breath hitched at the question. Was he asking if home was with him? You tapped your fingers against the side of the iPhone and sent a response. 

   You: I mean…

   Joel: Use your words, sweetheart. Did you mean with me? In my house? 

   In his house… you really wanted that. You felt that. Like he was home, like maybe his home was also now yours. It practically was but… 

   You: Joel, you… you feel like home. You are home. 

   You watched the bubbles slowly go back and forth against the bottom of the screen as you waited and waited and waited, until finally you got a response back. 

   Joel: Sweetheart, there’s nothing more I want than to have you in my arms, in my house. You feel like home, too. 

   You threw your head back against the fluffy pillow and smiled brightly, your lips hurting from how massive your smile was. You could feel your toes curl and your cheeks burn as you read his message over and over and over again. It’d never get old, you’d print the text out and carve it into your heart so it’d always be with you. Home. He was home.

   You said your goodnights to each other and then rolled over to look out your window, hearing the faint noise of rolling waves and the sea breeze tapping against the glass. You closed your eyes and gently got pulled under the waves as sleep took you fast, but you dreamed of deep brown eyes and broad shoulders that night. And that itself made you sleep that much better. 

You ended up sleeping in till 10:00 am, welcomed with the warmth of the glowing sunshine against your window pane as you awoke to the smell of fresh bacon and eggs. You quickly slipped out of bed and found your pink fuzzy slippers as you exited your room. 

   When you entered into the open kitchen, the humid breeze blew in from the open glass windows as your mom used the spatula to mix up the scrambled eggs. “Good morning, sweetie! How’d you sleep?”

   “Actually, great. It was really nice to sleep in my actual bed again.” You grabbed a piece of crispy bacon and popped a piece into your mouth as you let the savory flavor slide down your throat. 

   “I’m so glad to hear it. So, what’s your plans for the day? I was thinking maybe we could go grab lunch and go shopping.” You watched her flip her flowing hair over her shoulder as she smiled your way. 

   “Yeah, I’d like that. But I think this morning I’m just gonna go take a walk on the beach. Clear my head a little,” you murmured through a piece of crispy bacon. 

   She came around the slab of the marble countertop and rested a hand on your shoulder as she brought you in for a big hug. “I think that’s a great idea. Nothing better to clear your head than a walk on the beach.”

   After she went back to finishing breakfast, the two of you talked more about New York, about the ballet, about your choices. None of it was fun, but you guessed it was good to get it off your chest. Now you just had to make that hard decision. The one you didn’t want to make. 

   When breakfast was over and after you helped clean the dishes, you got ready for the day and threw on a pair of denim shorts and a pink tank top and decided to head down to the beach. It was only a five minute walk, not far at all. When you stepped outside, you smelled the salt water blow through your hair, felt the humid air you were so used to living with in Florida, and the sunshine bathed your pale skin in some much needed Vitamin D your body had been begging for. 

   As soon as your bare feet hit the soft sand, you felt as if you were home. This was your favorite thing. The white sand, the smell of saltwater, the sounds of crashing waves, the sights of soaring seagulls and pelicans. This is what you had been missing, the ocean, Florida, home.

   You found a smooth pile of soft sand and plopped down as you dug your heels into the warm, white surface. You closed your eyes and breathed in deep, trying not to dwell on the fact that you were so close to show time, the final stretch for the next few months. Could you do it? Could you bear the fact that you’d have to dance next to Pierre and Cecilia, while taking strict orders from Carlotta? Was it worth it? Worth your sanity?

   You covered your feet under the warm grains of sand, wishing you could slowly sink and become the grainy flecks of sand, wishing you didn’t have to worry about the theater, about your overbearing peers, about anything related to dancing. You just wanted to float off into the distance, let the lapping waves carry you away to a place where you didn’t have to think at all, where you could just exist and be yourself, whoever that may be now. You kind of got lost in the chaos of it all, in the darkness and in your own drowning mind. You just wished all the screaming voices in your head would just stop, that every scrap of doubt would disappear, leave you alone for just a minute, a second, really. But that was too much to ask. The only person that could take all the panic and chaos away was Joel. Your guiding light, your lover…

   You took the next few minutes trying to unthread the jumbled thoughts in the mess of your head, trying to figure out just what you wanted, what you were willing to do. You loved dancing, you truly did, but there was that nagging voice in your head, the one that said it was too much, too mind bending, too fucked. And maybe you didn’t want to continue on, maybe you’d just give up on all your hopes and dreams because they weren’t yours anymore. At least not in that theater with those people. Maybe you just needed to…

   Suddenly, your phone started buzzing in the pocket of your denim jeans and when you went to retrieve it, it was Joel’s name that lit up across the phone screen. You eagerly answered and held the phone up to your ear as you took a deep breath and kept your voice steady. “Hey, handsome,” you answered as a small smile curled against the gloss of your lips. 

   “Hi, sweetheart. How’s Florida treatin’ ya?” His voice was warm, calm, deep as you took in his Southern drawl, wishing you could feel it blowing down the back of your neck right at this very second. 

   “It’s good. Currently just sitting at the beach, basking up the sun,” you smiled as you heard him chuckle. 

   “Better than the New York beaches, hmm?” he asked as you could practically see his brows furrow up with that smug smirk you so loved to kiss. 

   “Mmm nothing beats the white sandy beaches here. Except maybe you,” you giggled as you heard that warm breath blow through the end of the line. God, you wished he could hold you right now. 

   “Is that so, sunshine?” he chuckled through the phone. 

   “Yes,” you smiled as you drew a little heart with your index finger through the soft white sand. 

   “Such a sweet girl,” he drawled as you brought your knees to your chest and smiled dreamily as you stared out into the blue sea. 

   “So, I might’ve mentioned you to my mom last night at dinner,” you said nervously as you awaited his answer. 

   “Oh, is that right?”

   “Mhm. You know, she wants to meet you.”

   “Well, how ‘bout that? Think we’ll jus’ have to see that through then.”

   “Yeah?” you asked with a hitch of your breath. 

   “Yeah, we’ll make it happen.”

   “Okay,” you smiled as the sun warmed your skin. 

   He took a minute before he said anything else, and you knew it was coming. The question you came here to decide, if you wanted to continue on or not. You felt your stomach drop as if you were anchored down to the ocean floor, chained in darkness with no way to escape. You felt it then. The nerves pulling through you, that impending doom feeling you’d felt so often at the ballet company. It was here. You had to decide what you wanted. 

   “Did you decide yet? What you wanna do?” His voice was careful as he spoke the words, like he was walking on broken glass. 

   You sunk your feet further into the warm sand, your eyes staring out on the blue horizon as you brought your knees further into your chest. This was it. The final decision. You knew what you had to do. You knew. You were just too afraid to say it out loud because that’d make it real. 

   “I… I…” 

   “It’s finished.”

   “What?” Your breath hitched as you gasped out. What was finished? 

   “The video. It got sent to Carlotta.”

   Your eyes went wide as his words. He did it? He really did it? “What do you mean you sent it?”

   He took a breath and spoke. “I went to the theater this morning and talked with one of the security guys. He was able to pull up the footage of Pierre well… slapping you and pushing you down.” You winced at the reminder of that awful day, but gulped down any tears that might’ve spilled and let him continue. 

   “He has a list of phone numbers and was able to get Carlotta’s. So he was able to send her the video. It’s done, sunshine. That’s proof enough. I don’t think he’s gonna be able to stay in the ballet. Come Monday, if she saw it, he may very well be kicked out of the show.”

   You gasped out as you looked out toward the shiny blue ocean, releasing all the terror and anxieties of before. Joel did it. Joel really was your knight in shining armor. “Joel…”

   “I had to do somethin’. I couldn’t just stand and watch you suffer anymore. I had to do this, baby. No one is gonna mess with my girl as long as I’m around. Nobody.”

   “I… Joel, thank you. I don’t know what to say, I’m speechless. I…”

   “It’s okay, baby girl. You don’t gotta say anythin’. Jus’ know I’m always watchin’ out for you. Always, my love.”

   Always. My love. 

   “So, what’s it gonna be, sunshine?”

   You furrowed your eyebrows and looked hard out on the horizon, mustering up any and all courage you could. You let out a long sigh before you said anything else. So what were you going to do? You didn’t know. You didn’t know. 

   “I… don’t know.”