#damndamin

screenshots of posts and photos i resonate with. the ones that i could never write, or birth on my own. “some days, justice does not look grand.” says from keith balbin’s facebook post. being an avenue for it (justice) seemed overwhelming; especially during my first year in law school. moving so fast created an illusion of progression to a dream. the dream. while it (law school) created a facade to the profession that is so out of reach, i realized, in retrospect and out of it, that, justice, indeed, doesn’t always look grand.  sometimes, it just looks like the mundane things i do at the office. the follow up list sent every monday. the printer birthing pleadings each day. the calloused hands typing away. and perhaps, in the most tragically and miraculous way, you’ll find your story tucked in between someone else’s narrative. and then suddenly, it became your job to narrate such a story that goes beyond yours, as it became ours. 

dead dreams that once kept me going.

parked dreams that still keep me going.

heirlooms and hand-me-down stories. i don’t exactly remember my age when they decided to hand us down the wedding rings of our grandparents (they’re still alive! thank God!) but i remember the time when that pendant was handed to me by my lola. parang medal sa school ‘yung feeling because we saw it worn by her growing up, as if it holds so much sentiments. and presumably, as a hopeful and romantic person, i thought that the letter ‘e’ stands for my lolo—edgar kasi ang pangalan niya. but then years after, i learned that it was actually meant for me all along. na kay mama pala talaga iyon. na binili niya from a friend. elizabeth ata ‘yung pangalan. at muntik na rin pala akong pangalanan na ‘esther’, buti na lang hindi. pero buti na lang, mama eventually met an esther in her life. someone from our church community. baka nga what’s meant for us: a) will kept on circling around us, b) will never miss us, and/or c) will keep coming back to and for us. hindi a, b, or c. pwedeng lahat. pwedeng hindi lang black and white, may nuance. may gray areas. 

gifts and letters i never got the chance to give.

mistakes i promised try not to do it again, human, after all.

an on-going series of my solo-itude at concerts, it’s the most alive i feel in, i think. although, if i would be honest, i would love to share this with someone that i love. maybe one day.

childhood dreams. cashier. teacher. sumali sa going bulilit. fashion designer. mailman. photographer (dahil sa pelikulang 'my amnesia girl'!). sobrang layo sa pagiging abogado. pero parang ang dami na ring natupad from that list. and maybe, our dreams really do come true. it's just that, it can materialize and manifest in ways we never imagined or realized. gusto ko lang talagang sumali noon sa going bulilit because of the little dream enveloped inside it—i wanted to go to HongKong Disneyland! and i did! three years ago! my hair may look rachet at that time, but hey, my little childhood dream came true :,)

bookmarks, bookmarked tabs, tabs remained opened, saved, tucked, maybe i’ll come back, maybe i’ll be back. review of women's studies. types of betrayal. The Filipino Doctor. electronic prescription. red carpet cinema. facebook.com. up paralegal training program. piercing aftercare. track - gogo xpress. x.com.

a growing collection of dr. martens. ewan, extension na ata talaga 'to ng sarili ko. at oo, baka bumili ulit ako ngayong taon since i usually associate shoes with the phases of my life. but hey, i always go back to that chunky ass pair of mine. i always do.

a growing collection of ‘children’s’ book. subconsciously ko sigurong iniipon para sa wala pa naman sa sinapupunan ko. o hindi ko naman nga sigurado kung bibiyayaan ako ng kakayanan na magsilang ng isang buong nilalang sa mundong 'to. which by the way, is dying. pero alam mo, ang dami dami kayang pulot sa children's book. they says a lot without being verbose. they show and don't tell (much). and so far, i am happy na natatagpuan ko 'yung types of books na necessary sa kung ano man 'yung danas doon. o dito.

unfinished entries. as if i never really entirely say what i ought to say, as if i never really run out, as if there’s always, always left inside me. both are glitter and bubog—parang nabasag na paboritong pinggan. mukha naman silang makinang parehas, pero mahirap dalhin ang pareho.

a growing collection of sweatshirts/ers…i love it when people associate me with something i love. i think i have more than 10 now. oversized ones, ofc. it felt safe eh. being enveloped by it. even if i was just alone. everywhere. anywhere. and i don’t think i will ever declutter anytime soon. maybe one day, when i finally find myself settling down. speaking of settling down, ang crisis sa pakiramdam na parang kalat 'yung roots ko as a person. (more on no. 21) parang 'yung mga sweatshirts ko lang. sa isa, dalawa, tatlo, o apat kong address, lahat doon, i have some tucked in my cabinet.

a growing collection of movie tickets. as far as i remember, i still have the very first movie ticket that i watched alone. i was only 13 at that time. it was the fault in our stars. sm mega mall (pivotal ng mall na 'to sa buhay ko hahahaha). i was wearing a blue demim dress with my black vans, similar to louis tomlinson’s, lol. i remember it all too well because i remembered being confident wearing those. and ever since then, i knew that it will become my favorite way of expressing myself. my solitude. watching movies alone. and maybe, like watching concerts alone, i'd be sharing that solitude with someone that i love. :) (NOTE: in my defense! no one really asked me to watch a film ever before...kaya siguro hindi pa pumasok sa isip ko na baka posible naman)

a growing collection of bags. took me a while to finally admit that, but, i do in fact, love them. mga namana ko kay mama. at least my future daughter will thank me for it! IF bibigyan at bibiyayaan ako ng ganoon in the future. or baka AI na tayong lahat by that time.

a series of almosts. in retrospect, ang dami ko na palang mga muntikan. muntikan maging with high honors nung shs, muntikan maging legal management nung college (i was waitlisted!), muntikan mawala sa mundong ibababaw—that motorcycle incident, i told u, 2023 was that bitch. muntikan. mga mumunting muntikan. kung tutuusin, one could deduce na, how come i always lacked something. a 0.5, or even .40. at kung tatanungin lang din ako, i think for a while, i dwelled on those things. and perhaps, even today. ‘yung mga muntikang hindi natupad. and if i am being more honest, hindi ko alam kung may magagawa pa ako ngayon that could possibly create a retroactive effect sa mga iilang bagay na pinagsisihan. baka mayroon? or baka wala na rin. at least muntik lang akong mamatay. kasi kung mayroon pang pagkakataon na maitama o mas mapagpabuti 'yung mga bagay-bagay o ang buong ako, siguro dito na lang tayo magsimula. sa ngayon at bukas. sa mga desisyong gagawin. salitang sasabihin. salitang hindi sasabihin. sa mga planong tutuparin. sa pagtupad ng mga pangako. mga pangarap. sa pagpapatuloy. sa pagpili, lagi't lagi, sa pagmamahal. kahit na masakit o masakit sa lalamunan o naghihingalo na. mas okay 'yun, ang hingalin sa pagmamahal. ang hingalin dahil nagmamahal.

a growing collection of enamel pins from the countries i’ve been. no deep cap here. my version of ref magnets. at oo, muntik mawala sa bus pa-alabang 'yung binili ko sa kapehan sa japan. huhu.

tattoos etched in my skin. at such a young age, i know deep down that when i grow up, i’ll eventually get a tattoo since i was fond of those candies na may free na tattoo. i remember having a temporary tattoo ni tweety bird sa pisngi ko noon. kinurot ata ako noon ni mama kasi bakit daw sa mukha. so nung bumili ko, sa braso ko na nilalagay. i had my first one back in 2022, i was at the ripe age of twenty-one. lakas ng loob ko kasi sa ribs ko pa talaga pinalagay. it was HELL. but i was so happy! it was a love letter drawn by mama. since it was the first one, i thought of something meaningful, hence, why not the manifestation of how i express my love ‘di ba? but this (or that) time, sa akin naman. sa akin naman nakadikit. habang buhay. baka ‘yung next wala nang meaning. baka sa braso na. sa mas nakikita kahit hindi piliing ipakita. basta, ang alam ko, may susunod pa. 

stickers saved for the ‘right time’. would you believe that i still have one from my very first cfad week (circa 2019)? hindi ko alam kung dadating pa ba 'yung right time na 'yun para sa mga stickers kong astig at cute na masyadong precious para idikit lang sa kung saan. but at the same time, nasa age na rin kasi ako na nagtatalo 'yung isip ko sa concept ng right time. na baka hindi lang din siya iisang daan. isang truth. that perhaps, sometimes, we make the right time. by making the right decisions...? and sometimes, may mga bagay talaga na ibinibigay sa timeline at timing ni Lord. sa orasan Niya. hindi sa wrist watch ko at sa planner ko from muji. at hindi rin sa google calendar ng opis o sa academic calandar ng university. perhaps, two things can really exist at the same time. (sana madikit ko na sila soon)

films and shows i intentionally rewatch. every phases of my life, i always find myself rewatching the same set of films and shows i loved growing up. tanda ko pa ‘yung unang beses kong napanood ‘yung before sunrise. i was in high school. 'yung happy old year naman, every January. dead poets society, kapag nararamdaman ko na 'yung burn out noon sa eduk. grabe halos every sem ko ata siya nirerewatch. and oh boy, i remember watching fleabag for the first time. and i remembered rewatching it every time i go through it. ewan, may sense of comfort knowing na may mas miserable pa rin pala sa akin. at yakap sa mga parteng naiintindihan ko. dahil pinagdadaanan sa ibang paraan. sa ibang lugar. sa ibang font. and no, wala akong iniibig na priest ha. Diyos ko, mahabagin.

a growing collection of addresses. may sense of crisis akong naramdaman doon sa statement na sinabi ni linh from her recent moving vlog. it goes along the lines of: i needed to set my roots somewhere. hindi ko alam kung bakit iniisip ko ang settling down ngayong 25th ko, hello? kakasimula ko pa lang sa career ko. pero that shouldn't scare us, right? the thought of settling down somewhere. somewhere known or unknown. pakiramdam ko kasi ngayon, parang kalat 'yung roots ko. and that is a privilege. being able to grow in multiple places. but the identity crisis that comes with it, lowkey is not kinda fun. domicile ko siguro talaga ang bulacan. even tho, we're not inherently from it. ito ang sigurado ako ngayon. siguro, siguro, sense of home lang din 'yung 'hinahanap' ko ngayon. at oo, nag eechho 'yung trending audio sa ig reels ng old man saying, "i don't have a favorite place, i have my favorite people" chuchu. lima, lima na pala ata ang address ko. dumagdag na ang office address para sa aking mga mumunting parcels.

film photos of my favorite people. 

annual photobooth picture tuwing buwan ng mayo. parang ID lang eh. in x years, sa nyc na 'yan :,)

posts, pins, reels saved. or sent. sobrang gen z nito. baka tawanan ko kapag binalikan. pero totoong marami akong sine-save para sa mga tao sa buhay ko. o sa mga wala na. para sa kanila. o para sana sa kanila. i don't know if the act of saving such a thing or two constitutes to the hope that i have deep down that, maybe, one day, mapapakita ko sa kanila lahat 'yun, kasi oo, naalala kita dito. at oo, matatawa ka rito. at uy, ang ganda nito. sana mapuntahan natin. baka?

Easter Sunday, 2026