#dad!yangyang

‘I just hope she makes friends,’ you ruminate, several scenarios running through your mind all at once. Julia was a sociable and friendly girl, already having a best friend in Ten’s oldest, Charlie, who was a year younger than her in school, and thus won’t be joining her today. Visions of Julia potentially not fitting in or struggling to talk to the other children make your heart split in two. 

‘I just hope she makes friends,’ you ruminate, several scenarios running through your mind all at once. Julia was a sociable and friendly girl, already having a best friend in Ten’s oldest, Charlie, who was a year younger than her in school, and thus won’t be joining her today. Visions of Julia potentially not fitting in or struggling to talk to the other children make your heart split in two. 

‘I just hope she makes friends,’ you ruminate, several scenarios running through your mind all at once. Julia was a sociable and friendly girl, already having a best friend in Ten’s oldest, Charlie, who was a year younger than her in school, and thus won’t be joining her today. Visions of Julia potentially not fitting in or struggling to talk to the other children make your heart split in two. 

‘See, you’re worrying too,’ Yangyang gives you a lukewarm smile, slightly teasing but also mirroring your worry, ‘to be honest, my stomach hurts. I feel sick.’

‘My chest hurts,’ you admit, ‘mix of worry for her but also it hurts how old she’s getting. She’s so big and independent, I remember when she was just our little baby girl, just born in her crib.’

‘I miss it too,’ Yangyang smiles, thinking back on the fond memories, ‘maybe we should make another one.’

‘No, not yet,’ you dismiss the suggestion immediately, ‘maybe in a few more years, when I’ve caught up on some sleep.’

‘Fair point,’ Yangyang mumbles sleepily, ‘speaking of which, we should probably wake the sleeping lion up. Make her some breakfast.’

‘We have the right stuff for pancakes?’ You check, knowing Julia’s favourite.

‘Yeah, I checked last night. I knew she’d probably ask.’

The two of you sleepily toddle into your toddler’s bedroom, which is illuminated only by a small pink nightlight. 

Julia herself is fast asleep, bundled in a heap of blankets and stuffed animals, notably her Jellycat sheep bought by her uncle Kun. 

‘Jules,’ Yangyang lightly shakes her awake. She grunts in protest, squirming around and chasing the warmth that has been made as she’s slept.

‘Julia,’ he tries again, and this time her eyes flutter open, meeting her fathers own identical ones. 

‘Wha-‘ she mutters, tiny hands starting to rub at her eyes.

‘It’s a really exciting day today Jules,’ Yangyang smiles, ‘it’s school today, remember what I told you about? I’m going to make you special pancakes, ok?’

Julia nods sleepily, approving of this plan, and and you lift her up by her armpits, setting her down in the middle of the room so you can start getting her dressed. 

In the Liu household, ‘special pancakes’ are characterised by blueberries being mixed into the batter, as well as seven different shades of food colouring so that the pancake stack forms a rainbow. Naturally, Julia only eats two or three of the toddler-sized pancakes, so you and Yangyang gorge on the rest. Julia just appreciates the visuals. 

Yangyang takes his place in the kitchen while you set out Julia’s outfit for the day, which you had meticulously chosen the day before. 

You wanted something she could play comfortably in, something she could get messy with paint or pens or dirt if needed, so you chose a plain lilac shirt and some dark blue cotton trousers. 

‘I don’t know if I should dress her now or not,’ you say, ‘cause if she eats pancakes she’s just going to get muck all over them before we even leave.’

‘Good point,’ Yangyang has just served the last pancake of the stack, ‘i’ll get her ready once she’s finished.’

‘But you’ve already done her breakfa-‘

‘Don’t worry about it,’ Yangyang hums, kissing your cheek, ‘just get her packed lunch out the fridge and make sure her bag is all packed and we’re golden.’ 

‘Okay,’ you nod, swallowing the lump in your throat and taking a seat at the table. 

The three of you happily chow down on your pancakes - Yangyang really makes great pancakes - and as there’s no time to waste, dishes are quickly thrown into the dishwasher. 

Yangyang takes Julia to get dressed in her bedroom, as you rifle through her little backpack, double checking everything that should be there is there. 

‘Change of clothes, sun hat, rain hat, empty bottle- lunchbox.’ 

You head over to the fridge and pull it out. It’s cute, light pink with her favourite Kakao friends character on. 

You and Yangyang had already made up her lunch and packed the bag the night before to save yourself time this morning. You had both had throughly enjoyed making the food for her, cutting up ham sandwiches with a star shaped cookie cutter and making little fruit kebabs with grapes and apples. 

You’re just slipping the lunch bag into the backpack when Yangyang appears in the doorway, Julia on his hip. 

‘Oh, are we ready to go?’ You smile, ‘I love your outfit Jules.’ 

She looked so cute, Yangyang had tied her thin hair into a tiny ponytail. 

‘Mummy/mommy, I don’t want to go,’ Julia sniffles, small hands balled into fists, ‘I want to stay and play with you all day.’

You feel your heart split into two, and judging by Yangyang’s expression, he’s feeling the same way. 

‘Aww, Jules,’ you try to remain strong and reassuring to her, ‘you’ll have so much fun! There will be so many nice people and cool toys to play with. And mummy/mommy and daddy have made you star sandwiches that you can have while you’re there.’

She seems a bit less apprehensive, but still a bit nervous.

‘And you’ve met your teacher,’ Yangyang points out, ‘Miss Choi was really nice wasn’t she? She’ll take good care of you.’ 

Julia nods, remembering the settling in session she’d been to. 

‘And you’ll have so much fun all day, that before you know it, mummy/mommy and daddy will be back to pick you up.’ 

‘Really?’

‘Yeah sweetheart. It’ll go so fast.’

‘Ok, I’ll go.’

‘That’s my girl,’ Yangyang grins, ‘let’s go get our shoes on.’

A few minutes of velcro straps and putting on coats one arm at a time later, you’re walking to the car. 

You can sense Yangyang’s emotions even without seeing his face; he doesn’t want to let her go. Regardless, he hides it well in front of his daughter, strapping her safely into her car seat. 

‘I’ll drive,’ you hold up the keys, ‘I don’t think you’re in a fit state to do it yourself.’

He laughs weakly at this, ‘you’re not wrong.’

The drive is filled with mostly Disney music (specifically Encanto and Frozen, Julia’s favourites) which has become a regular daily occurrence for your drives. You worry for your Spotify wrapped. 

Eventually you make it to the pre-school, where several teary parents and small children are descending on the entrance. 

Yangyang takes a deep breath before unloading Julia and her bag from the car, holding her little hand as the three of you walk across the car park. 

‘Mr and Mrs Liu, it’s so nice to see you both, and Julia!’ Miss Choi smiles, ‘I know you’re probably both a bit emotional today, but before you both know it it’ll be home time.’

You squeeze Yangyang’s hand. 

‘Are you ready to go Jules?’

She nods her head shyly, taking her backpack from your hands. 

‘You can put that on your peg over there Julia,’ Miss Choi motions towards the lines of pegs for the children. 

Julia realises this means she’ll have to venture off without either you or Yangyang, so she turns back to the two of you, brown eyes wide in worry. 

You both crouch down to her level. 

‘There’s nothing to worry about Jules,’ you reassure her, ‘we’ll be back very soon, ok?’

‘Bye bye mummy/mommy.’

‘Bye angel,’ you hug her, ‘love you.’

‘Love you too. Bye daddy.’

‘Bye bye Jules,’ Yangyang hugs her too, I love you.’

‘I love you too daddy.’

‘I know sweetheart. You wanna go put your bag on your peg?’

She nods, waving one last time before rushing over to her peg, before disappearing out of sight into the toddler room of the pre-school. 

‘Can I cry now?’ Yangyang breaks the sad silence. 

Renjun laughs, ‘they won’t be very tall though.’

Renjun laughs, ‘they won’t be very tall though.’

Renjun laughs, ‘they won’t be very tall though.’

’Still absolutely beautiful.’

Suddenly, Jinghua splutters and begins to cry. When your oldest, Tengfei did this for the first time, you remember the way that Renjun panicked and froze up, not knowing what to do. But now, he handles his third child with ease, a concerned pout spreading across his face as he reached for a bottle.

‘It’s okay, my sweet girl, daddy’s got the food,’ he speaks in a hushed tone, guiding the nipple of the bottle to her mouth, ‘there. That’s better, isn’t it sweetheart?’

Renjun wanders towards the window, where the hospital’s communal garden can be seen.

You can no longer see her, but you can hear Jinghua gulping down milk. Renjun begins to murmur words that you cannot hear.

‘You’re my most perfect girl…’ Jinghua just watches him, eyes still glassy with tears.

‘You have two older brothers who are just itching to meet you. They’re going to take such good care of you. I’m going to take such good care of you. You don’t have to worry now…’

jeno

You felt warm. Warm underneath the blankets, warm in your heart. It’s nearly pitch black in your bedroom, apart from the soft orange glow from the multitude of candles dotted around the room. Fresh tears roll down your cheeks, your brand new slightly pink baby girl’s face peeking out from her own lilac fluffy blanket on your bare chest. You’re still laying in the same place that you gave birth to her, while Jeno is curled up next to you, head on your shoulder. It’s a type of staring contest you don’t think you’ve ever had, the way you’re examining each others faces.

’She is so so beautiful,’ Jeno whispers, not wanting to shatter the peace that you’re in.

‘I can’t believe it myself,’ you remark, ‘and I pushed her out.’

‘You were incredible,’ Jeno’s hand finds his way to your hair, still matted with sweat and water that leaked down from the wet flannel that had been on your forehead.

With every passing second you notice something new about her face, a new noise that comes from her tiny mouth or a different coloured hair on her head.

’I can’t believe she is all ours,’ you stroke her black head of hair, ‘our little Moonie.’

‘Gorgeous, with a full head of hair,’ Jeno adds, ‘she’s so perfect. But then again, you gave birth to her.’

‘You helped make her,’ you point out, ‘she has your face. Your nose and your mouth.’

When Jeno shifts slightly closer to you, Moonbyeol’s gaze moves from you to him. Her mouth is slightly open, so much that you can see her little tongue as she gurgles and makes baby noises.

‘Hello Moonbyeol,’ Jeno says, softly than you’ve ever heard him speak before, ‘it’s very lovely to finally meet you. Aren’t you beautiful? It’s so strange, I only just met you but I love you so so so much. I promise I will love and protect you forever.’

haechan

‘I love the baby smell so much,’ Donghyuck admits as he sniffs Kyungah’s head as she lays in his arms.

’Stop sniffing her like that,’ you grumble, ‘you’ll disturb her.’

‘It’s not like she’s asleep,’ Donghyuck rolls his eyes playfully, ‘she’s awake. Looking at me with those big beautiful brown eyes. God, I’m never going to be able to say no to her.’

‘You can hardly say no to the child we already have.’

‘He is just incredibly persuasive. She is just cute,’ Donghyuck brings her head to his nose again, ‘with a smell that I’ve really missed.’

‘Our daughter isn’t a candle,’ you giggle, ‘I know she smells nice, but you have years to soak in the baby smell. Let her be still, she has the right to be tired.’

‘Fine,’ he jokingly huffs, sinking down into the armchair next to your bed, ’she can lay on my chest and sleep and I can soak in the baby smell and she’ll have no idea.’

Despite saying this, Kyungah is more laying in his arms than on his chest. His eyes are still fixated on her face.

’We make some gorgeous babies,’ Donghyuck muses.

‘They’re both the spitting image of you,’ you say, ‘Dalgun is your double and she… she has your nose and your lips.’

‘With your eyes,’ Donghyuck grins, looking up at you finally with the smile you love so much, ‘you wanna make another?’

‘Fat chance,’ you splutter, ‘I’m still in pain.’

‘I can’t believe I saw you do all of that again. It’s so surreal that you’ve done that twice now.’

Kyungah has fallen asleep at this point, soft snores coming from her. You yawn at this point, your mind filled with thoughts of sleep.

‘You need to go to bed too,’ Donghyuck stares sternly, ‘you’ve had a long day.’

‘So have you,’ you point out, ‘come cuddle me to sleep, please.’

Donghyuck yawns too, using a spare hand to brush back his hair.

‘Yeah, you’re right.’

Two minutes later Kyungah is in her hospital crib, still fast asleep, and Donghyuck is laying next to you.

’Goodnight Hyuck,’ you murmur, ‘I love you.’

‘Goodnight baby. I love you so much.’

jaemin

‘You like the song?’ Jaemin coos, the acoustic music quietly playing as he tries to rock Chaeyeon to sleep.

It’s completely silent in the birthing centre. You feel almost in a cocoon of warmth with the multi-coloured glow of the bubble tube being the only light. Jaemin’s phone is connected to a bluetooth speaker, playing gentle music.

‘Look, it’s the moon,’ he smiles, using a free hand to point out the blinding full-moon in the sky, ‘it seems like they knew you were coming tonight, huh? The moon is perfectly between the earth and the sun. That’s why it looks so bright.’

‘Giving her a science lesson, are we?’

Jaemin jumps a bit at the sound of your voice, ‘I didn’t realise you were awake.’

‘My stomach hurts,’ you smile weakly, ‘and I woke up to you going on about the position of the sun and earth.’

‘I’m just starting her early! When our Chaeyeon becomes an astronaut or an astrophysicist one day then it’ll be because of me!’

‘Whatever,’ you laugh, shifting around in your bed to get more comfortable.

‘I was just up because she was crying,’ Jaemin explains, ‘but she stopped when I held her, and she wouldn’t let me put her back down again.’

‘Oh,’ you whine, still stretching, ‘wake me up if she needs anything else.’

Within the minute you’re back asleep, much to Jaemin’s relief. You seemed so peaceful, as well as the fact that you weren’t just in constant pain.

‘You could go to sleep too,’ Jaemin whispers at the baby in his arms, ‘you’d be a lot less bored.’

Chaeyeon is just examining his face, eyes darting around between his mouth to his forehead.

’But I suppose, everything is so new and interesting to you. You have plenty of time to explore the world though. Here’s a fun fact about the world- when it’s dark outside and you can see the moon, that means it’s time to sleep. You close your eyes- like this, and you dream all about lots of different things.’

Chaeyeon’s eyes are heavy, although she is refusing to close them.

‘It’s okay to sleep,’ Jaemin murmurs, still gently rocking her, ‘the world will be here when you wake up.’

Not long later, Chaeyeon is sound asleep.

‘Goodnight my angel,’ Jaemin whispers while he lowers her into the crib, ‘I love you.’

yangyang

‘She is unbelievable,’ Yangyang has your newborn daughter in his arms, while you watch him from your hospital bed.

You lay there, warm drink in hand, fighting the urge to close your eyes. You’re exhausted and in pain. Yangyang was finally having his first hold after your skin to skin time.

‘You were unbelievable,’ he adds, ‘that was so surreal, I can’t believe you did all of that.’

‘It was nothing,’ you shrug, ‘it’s what I am made to do.’

‘It’s still amazing,’ Yangyang retorts, eyes never leaving the face of your daughter.

You’re so tired, erratically fading in and out of sleep.

‘If you need to go to sleep, you can,’ Yangyang’s tone calms all the way down, so that he is nearly whispering.

‘I couldnt,’ you shake your head, ‘too overwhelmed. I don’t think I can take my eyes away from her.’

‘I’ve got her,’ he reassures you, shifting her around in his arms a bit so you can see how secure his hold on her is, ‘don’t worry, lovely, if there’s a problem I’ll wake you up.’

Yangyang uses a spare hand to push hair from your face, before taking the drink from your hand and placing it on the table beside you.

‘I know you want to,’ he sings, and your eyes flutter shut.

‘Finally,’ Yangyang sighs, ‘your mummy/mommy getting the rest she deserves.’

The baby girl in his arms kind of feels like an alien to him, an unknown being but still something undeniably a part of him.

‘You’re so pretty Julia. I cannot believe you’re mine. How is it that you’re half me? You can’t be, you’re 100% your mother. Beautiful.’

Julia gurgles, while Yangyang continues to speak to her.

‘You have many- and I mean many uncles who are excited to meet you. There’s sort of… a humongus family waiting for you. And I hope that you know how much we all love you…’

shotaro

‘Oh dear, oh dear, oh no,’ Shotaro holds the coughing Saori in his arms, standing at the window of your city apartment.

Shotaro woke up to the sound of Saori crying. You hadn’t woken up, probably still passed out due to the exhaustion of having just given birth a few hours previously.

‘You can’t cry that much sweetheart, because then you’ll cough like that.’

The bright lights from all of the billboards and the cars below are the only source of light in the nursery where they’re stood.

Shotaro continues to bounce Saori in his arms, tapping her back to help her stop coughing and just breathe.

‘Good girl, just breathe.’

Saori lets out a few weak cries before reducing it down to regular gurgles.

Shotaro moves Saori to that she is laying against his shoulder, looking behind him.

’This is the first time we’ve really been alone together huh?’

The distant sound of car horns kept Saori awake as Shotaro just drank in the sight of his newborn’s face with the red and white lights reflecting on her face.

’Are the cars keeping you awake?’ He asks, as if she could answer, ‘who knows where they’re all going at this time. Let’s close these blinds, maybe it’ll be a bit quieter.’

It’s now nearly pitch black in the nursery, Saori’s cries winding down a bit.

‘Oh I see,’ Shotaro whispers, ‘the light was too much. We’ll keep it off from now on.’

Saori begins to drop off, but every time she comes close to it her eyes snap back open.

‘Are you being this stubborn on purpose?’ He grumbles, ‘sleep is nice, you know. I like sleep. When you’re an adult you’ll appreciate a good nights sleep. But you’re just little. Maybe if we put you back in bed, you’ll be able to sleep.’

Shotaro begins to lower Saori back into her crib. But the second her head makes contact with the pillow she erupts in tears again.

‘Oh I’m so sorry,’ Shotaro’s eyebrows furrow, ‘how about you come sleep with mummy/mommy and daddy, just for tonight?’

Saori isn’t crying anymore, but gurgles, which Shotaro takes as an affirmative.