#cticu

"It is truly an honor to care for patients post-operatively following open heart surgery. Having such a pivotal role in these heart warriors' lives by watching them grow, get strong, and be able to go home has become a passion of mine." 

"It is extremely rewarding to see children persevere through their toughest battles and finally get to leave the ICU and go home. Even on difficult days, our patient’s smiles and laughs get all of us through the tough times."

“I always knew I wanted to have a job that my family would be proud of. I wanted to be able to say my work meant something and it wasn’t just a paycheck. I care for the respiratory needs of patients. I do everything from monitoring oxygen needs to managing the ventilator of the sickest patients on the unit. I act as a resource for the team of respiratory therapists, nurses, physicians and advanced practice nurses. Even after 10 years of being at Nationwide Children’s Hospital and 25 years total as a respiratory therapist, I learn something new every day.”

It's been a few days since the worst code I've ever participated in. It took me a day or so to realize that this numb feeling? It means I've had the bejesus triggered out of me, and that my ptsd has come roaring back.

I didn't miss it, for the record.

I didn't miss the recurrent flashbacks, or the intrusive thoughts. Like, just going about my day and all of the sudden I see blood oozing across the floor. I see my footprints in blood.

It almost feels far away now, like it happened to someone else. (nurses chanting at the doorway, checking blood, then sliding coolers of product toward me)

All of my laundry is done. I bleached my entire bathroom. Mopped the floors upstairs. I managed to get out to see my horse yesterday. But today?  I can admit it. I'm hunkering. (Is there still blood in the corners of the room? Would Etta have to get down on her knees to get it out of the molding? Has anyone cleaned the bed frame?)

It's like that in my head. I hate it.

(Blood turns kinda to jelly after it sits there awhile, did you know?)

I hate feeling foggy and disconnected. I know that this is my brain trying to protect me. That for me, this is how I survived back in the day.

I think it would be easier if the sun was out. I miss that about Florida, how everything was supersaturated with sunlight, golden and warm.

My sneakers are sitting in the mudroom where I kicked them off before coming into the house the other day. I can't seem to bring myself to clean them.