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On Forgiving Yourself

I am constantly reliving memories of me not at my best. Embarrassing moments going all the way back to my childhood, moments of vulnerability, terrible things I did to people who maybe didn’t deserve it. A highlight reel of all of these moments in time that I desperately wish I could just forget, which invokes a self-loathing so strong I feel it in my very bones and I wonder if I ever had the capacity to be good. (I recently found out that there’s a term for this, it’s called a “cringe attack”)

When we make mistakes, or hurt someone, we often want to go back to them, and beg for forgiveness, or rationalize and explain the reasoning behind what we did. But this is not for the sake of the other person. It’s to make ourselves feel better. This isn’t to say that we aren’t sorry, but sometimes our apologies have ulterior motives and we don’t even realize it.

I believe this comes from a need for external validation. Low self-worth. You want reassurance that you’re a good person. You want reassurance that you are good enough and worthy. (You don’t need someone else’s forgiveness in order for you to forgive yourself. You must forgive yourself regardless.)

For me, understanding and empathy can play a big part in forgiveness, I think. When I’m able to put myself in someone else’s shoes, it’s easier for me to forgive them, rather than staring at them in anger and contempt, wondering “What the hell is wrong with you? Why did you do that?”

And when I make mistakes, this is often the way I talk to myself, in my head, anyway. But when I take time by myself to reflect on my actions (I know it sounds corny, whatever idc), I’m able to understand where that came from and empathize and say “Oh. That’s why.” Having empathy is the first step towards forgiveness. (I sound like a camp counselor)

But even when I understand why I did what I did, I know that the other person probably doesn’t. And this makes me want to explain myself, because maybe if they understand, they can validate my experience and forgive me. But like I said, this is only to make myself feel better.

The hard truth is, no one owes you forgiveness. Sometimes, when you make a negative impression on someone (whether it’s on accident or not, maybe you’re having a bad day, perhaps your cat just died, whatever), sometimes that bad impression is going to stick and there’s nothing you can do to change that. Does that mean you’re a bad person? Of course not. But ultimately, there’s nothing you can do about it.

The beauty of life is that there are so many people on this earth, and there is always an opportunity to be a better person, make new connections, or even try to mend old ones. The beauty of life is being able to try again. There are people out there willing to get to know you, who want to understand you and who will try to.

So when you find yourself in a situation where you’ve wronged someone, and they don’t want to forgive you, they don’t want to understand you, don’t take it as a challenge to prove how good a person you are. You don’t get to decide if someone else’s opinion of you is valid or not, and how someone else feels about you isn’t indicative of your worth. Don’t beg for forgiveness, and don’t beg to be understood. Don’t try to change their narrative. Trying to understand why someone thinks and acts the way they do is incredibly taxing. Forgiving someone who’s wronged you is freaking hard. These are tremendous asks of someone, and you must accept that not everyone is willing to give this to you, and they don’t have to. No one owes you anything. The only person who can always forgive you, and the only person who will listen with empathy in order to understand you, is yourself.

If and when you do get the opportunity to a second chance to someone you’ve hurt, and you feel the need to explain yourself, ask yourself, if you want to explain yourself because you want the other person to understand you better, to strengthen your connection, or if you want to explain yourself in order to rationalize your actions and bring solace to your guilt. (I don’t know if I used solace correctly. Ah well. Can’t be helped.)

If you’re not interested in having a relationship/bond/connection with this person, let them misunderstand you. You don’t need to be understood or liked by everyone. Someone else’s opinion of you is none of your business. This quote comes to mind that I think about often, “There’s always a chance of you being the villain in someone else’s story.”

This is all to say, learn to forgive yourself. As long as you are learning from your mistakes and apologizing when you are wrong, you aren’t a terrible person.

I guarantee you, that whatever you did that you feel is so horrible, there are people who have done the same thing and have gone on living their lives. Don’t let yourself be a prisoner of your own guilt. When you’re looking back at fucked up shit you did and cringing, that is a sign of growth, because your morals don’t align with your actions. You must forgive yourself and move on. Don’t punish yourself forever.

I wish I could tell you how to forgive yourself, how to accept and move on, but I’m still working on that myself. But something that makes me feel a little better is telling myself that my mistakes aren’t a life sentence. A fresh start is a mental construct. Tomorrow can be a blank slate if I want it to be. Today I will text my friends and tell them I love them. Today I will go outside and smile at everyone I pass. Today I will offer help to my family. Maybe I did something shitty yesterday, but I can always try to be a little better than I was yesterday.

TL;DR: Forgive yourself. Stop mulling over your mistakes and cringe-worthy moments. Everyone fucks up and does embarrassing shit sometimes. Accept the things you can’t change (like the past, or how others view you) and focus on what’s in your locus of control (like how you treat people in the present). You are not a terrible person, you’re just a learning what it means to be human.

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