My cat is chewing on my laptop screen
I was asked what medium for creativity I have recently. I was taken aback.
Taken ahead, taken aback. Hmm, English is funny.
Regardless, I struggled, I consider myself a creative person but I realized I have no outlet. I’ve played around with coloring (and I have a coloring app on my phone, which has really been helping me scratch an itch without my perfectionistic tendencies coming up). I think I’d really stopped pursuing creative activities due to wanting the outcome to be perfect. I used to draw and paint in high school, but after college I really let that fall away. I figured why spend all this money on paint if I wasn’t going to be happy with any of my paintings anyways. I have an unfinished painting somewhere in my house now, which I almost liked. But now it feels too old to finish. The paints I had used had dried up and been thrown out years ago. How would I even find color matches again? Are these just excuses? Maybe. Creative writing too. In 5th grade I was told by a terrible teacher that I didn’t have a knack for creative writing. That obviously really put me off to it. I can’t imagine trying to write a novel, and I think in my own mind that was the only type of writing there was. A novel or poetry.
I tend to think rather black and whitely.
I tried to do poetry. It never felt right once it was out. The choosing of the right words was at times frustrating instead of freeing. So how come I’m writing this? I’m not sure. I renewed my yearly auto subscription of Microsoft Office. That’s what I’m typing this on. It’s an old remnant from my college days that I haven’t been able to let go of. What if I need to open a word document? I like that Word isn’t in a browser, and that it’s looked relatively the same since I was a child.
I like nostalgic things. More on that later.
Word doesn’t have any distractions. I used to love writing research papers. That, I felt I was good at. Concisely and comprehensively conveying information. That, I can do well. I’m out of school now. I have a Master’s thanks to my skill of paper writing. Now that I’m out in the world, you find there isn’t a reason to write a paper unless you’re working in academia, which I am not. What am I doing you ask? Something with my degree in psychology perhaps? No. HR, recruiting/talent acquisition to be precise. And I like it. But there are certainly no papers to write, and my brain isn’t being used in the same way. It’s easy. My coworkers are great. It’s flexible and I get joy from helping people get jobs. My company is a non-profit so it feels meaningful too, I’m helping my community. Which is important to me. But sometimes I feel my brain turning to mush. I started learning Japanese again. Another thing I had left in my college days. I’ve been sticking with it, and it does work my brain, and makes me feel good that I’m improving at and working towards something. But it’s once a week. Studying used to be my whole life. I’m not sure why I’m reflecting on this now, I’ve been out of school since 2020. It’s been 6 years at the end of this month.
I used to have dreams I was lost and late on my first day of school. That is what we call Anxiety. Those dreams have stopped, but sometimes I’m still that girl. Lost and late, for something I don’t remember signing up for.
