Some quotes courtesy of @incorrectquotesideas

A bit of a long post bear with me.

Renee Archer: Hello!

Inuzuka Hana: Wait, are you Uchiha Ren?

Renee Archer: What do you think, I locked her in a closet and stole her hat? Of course I am Uchiha Ren!

Renee Archer, internally: I, in fact, did do those things.

***

Uchiha Ren: Trust me, I know what I’m doing!

Inuzuka Hana: Not even God knows what you’re doing, Ren!

Ōtsutsuki Hagoromo: She's right, I don't.

***

Shiranui Genma, preparing the group for a photo in the snow: You guys say Colorado-

Deidara, skiing by: I’M A GIRAFFE!

***

Uchiha Ren: *gives Person B a cake slice*

Kakuzu: *tastes the cake*

Uchiha Ren: Well?

Kakuzu: I taste salt- did you mix it up with the sugar or something?

Uchiha Ren: No. I just made the cake like you. Sweet on the outside but really salty in the inside.

***

Shinobi in Narutoverse: Shinobi are people too. We put our uniforms on one leg at a time, look both ways before taking a mighty leap. If you prick us, some of us even bleed!

***

Uchiha Ren: You suck.

Sarutobi Hiruzen: Insubordination!

Uchiha Ren: Sir, you suck, sir.

***

Uchiha Ren: Time for bed.

Uzumaki Naruto: Kurama says that I can stay up as long as I want, and YOU need to die.

Uchiha Ren: ...

Uchiha Ren: What the fuck, Kurama-

***

Uchiha Ren: [points at Orochimaru] That’s my boyfriend, suckers!

Inuzuka Hana: That's your husband, Ren.

Uchiha Ren: My husband! Even better!

***

Uzumaki Naruto: Stay foxy!

Uchiha Sasuke: Die lonely.

***

Haruno Sakura: I’m a lesbiab.

Haruno Sakura: Lesbiam.

Haruno Sakura: Les Bien.

Uchiha Ren: It’s okay, take your time.

Haruno Sakura: Girls.

***

Orochimaru: What’s your favorite type of music?

Uchiha Ren: Your moan.

Orochimaru:

Uchiha Ren:

Shiranui Genma:

Inuzuka Hana:

Uchiha Ren: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

***

Uchiha Ren: What’ll make you feel better?

Uchiha Sasuke: [shrugs]

Uchiha Ren: Do you want a cookie?

Uchiha Sasuke: [nods]

***

Villain: Why don’t you stay down and die with dignity?

Uchiha Ren: I don’t do anything with dignity!

***

Inuzuka Hana: What the heck did you do last night?

A gift for @killergirlfuria ‘s fanfiction Canon Patchworking with Uchiha Ren. Crossposted on FF.Net and AO3.

Word Count: 609

If you would have ask Hana Inuzuka, during the Ren-free dynasty of her life, if she would ever be ready for the responsibility that comes with being a medic and a suicidal, pyromaniac, out-stubborning-mules-for-breakfast, adrenaline BFF, she would have gazed at you solemnly, shaking her head.

After giving a hand sign behind her back to sicc her dogs on you, of course. Who did you think she was? Certainly not the heir and daughter of Tsume Inuzuka, the clan head of the Inuzuka clan, and partner of the Haimaru Brothers.

In any case, why, by the Lord Fourth’s Handsome Booty (at least they say it was handsome, she wouldn’t know), did she get stuck with said suicidal, pyromaniac, out-stubborning-mules-for-breakfast, adrenaline junkie BFF?

And how the fuck could she get greeted by an open window with fluttering curtains, with an admittedly nice scenery, and an empty bed? She just turned around to prepare the dosage! She has heard stories, rumours, but to experience it herself is another thing entirely.

Her eyes narrow, and her upper lip raises to reveal her very sharp canines as she scents. It is very faint, probably another reason why Ren left the windows open, but she is a fucking Inuzuka and damn if she lets a prey-slash-patient escape.

“Should you be here?”

“...no.” Ren wheezes. “But if you tell on me, I will help in restraining you when you are supposed to be bedridden.”

Kakashi eyes her, unsure if she could actually successfully manage that. Better not risk the wrath of an Uchiha, nevertheless. And with an indulgent hum, he turns the page of his omnipresent orange book.

“What could you possibly mean? I am just talking to myself, crouching uncomfortably on this tree branch courtesy of Mother Nature, and reading this fabulous literature.”

“Mhm.”

Ren leans against the trunk of her tree, taking calm breaths to relax her tense and cramped muscles. “If Hana finds me, I’m gonna say it was a test of her tracking skills and awareness, and that she almost failed for letting me escape.”

The Hatake purses his lips slightly, not that anyone could see it under his mask, because one thing that could match an Uchiha’s ire, is the ire of an Inuzuka with an escaped prey or a medic with an escaped patient. And Hana Inuzuka is a medic. A medic nin.

He leisurely flips another page, not letting his body show any hints of his thoughts. It is a learning experience for Ren too, after all. And ‘lo and behold, he can already sense the fury and slight satisfaction, smell her scent due to the wind, and hear the profanities from here. Should he tell her?

...nah. That’s not in the deal. 1.78km, 1.59km, 1.24km, 831m, 276m- Now.

“...speak of the devil-”

“REN UCHIHA YOU ASSCRACK OF A PATIENT COME HERE WITH ME THIS INSTANT OR-”

“And he, or she in this case, shall appear. I personally shall disappear. See you around~!”

Ren curses at the world, a certain traitorous scarecrow, and medic best friends from hell, before following suit.

“You have been indoctrinated in the life of a medic, I see. Welcome to the madness- officially.”

“Shut up.” Hana grunts.

“You’re lucky I still have a righteous shred of sympathy left for newbies, have an hour break, then get your ass on shift.”

The tired Inuzuka doesn’t let her surprise show, an hour is an eternity for medics of any kind, but does let a grateful smile slip before returning to the post of watching Ren.

Villain: I'm going to kill you!

Ren: Wait a minute, gotta ask Hana.

Villain: This is not how this works-