#cptsdawareness

i think, for trauma survivors, especially those who were emotionally abused, invalidated, or gaslit, it is really important not to underestimate the significance of speaking bluntly about what happened to you. Forcing yourself not to beat around the bush, not to downplay what you went through with your words. say what happened, without any caveats, without any “but it could’ve been worse”, “but i might just be being overdramatic”, “but it wasn’t really THAT bad,” and so forth. sit with the discomfort until you can begin to let yourself realize that it WAS that bad, you WERENT being overdramatic, and even if it could’ve been worse you still didn’t deserve it. It’s almost like a form of reclamation, taking back your memories, taking back your life, even the difficult or gross parts, and refusing to let anyone change the narrative or tell you how you should feel anymore, even yourself. and it hurts and it’s scary and it feels weird and awkward and sometimes you want to convince yourself you’re lying, but i think sitting in those weird feelings and letting yourself admit that you really did go through trauma puts the power back in your hands to process things and be compassionate to yourself while you heal

insane how childhood abuse will just absolutely destroy your self esteem even though it was literally never your fault and nothing you ever did would justify it. yet it still makes you feel worthless and secretly broken, inferior to everyone else, like a rabid snarling animal sort of acting as a person. like nobody will ever love you because it would be too much of a challenge and there will always be easier people. just. the utter tragedy of it all, feeling like a broken object instead of a human, all because somebody who was supposed to love you and protect you failed to give you grace. and it’s also so frustrating that us, as the victims, have to take responsibility and go through the immensely difficult and complex journey of healing ourselves after going through these things, despite the fact that none of it was our fault to begin with, all while also mourning the confident person we used to be, or perhaps never got the chance to be in the first place. i think it’s reasonable to be upset at the injustice of all of that, essentially having to clean up a mess that somebody else created. so, if you’re someone in the process of cleaning up a metaphorical mess of your own, i see you. i am proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. it takes courage and strength just to start that clean up, let alone keep going and see it through. I don’t know where this journey will go or where it ends, because i’m in the trenches of it too, but i believe in all of us, and i hope life treats us well going forward.