Oct 10, 2021
Sa taille, sa corpulence, sa coupe de cheveux : ordinaires. Le genre qu'on ne remarque pas quand on le croise dans la rue.
Haruki Murakami (Le passage de la nuit)
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Sa taille, sa corpulence, sa coupe de cheveux : ordinaires. Le genre qu'on ne remarque pas quand on le croise dans la rue.
Haruki Murakami (Le passage de la nuit)
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‘expanding bodies, expanding god: feminist theology in search of a fatter future’
One of my favorite moments in tgc is:
With my corpulence
(corpulence)
Well. Here I am again. In the parking lot of the gym. Just late enough to class that I can see people doing jumping jacks and squats. Just late enough to feel guilty and anxious about it.
Actually that's not the real problem today. It's raining, it's 41°F. I woke up an hour ago. I just want to be cozy at home and mess around with whatever strikes my fancy. I don't want to do hard, painful work first thing. Even if that means I can lazily putter for the rest of the day after. I should earn that puttering with working out?
I can't trick myself with work/reward systems because I will start to resent the work for blocking my reward, and then I'll go goblin with rewarding myself without doing the work. Like. Literally what is stopping me from getting whatever reward I want when I want it. Some arbitrary rule that I placed on myself? That's not real. There's no punishment for breaking that rule.
Me all morning: Going to boxing today! It's gonna be fun! Gonna feel so good! Gonna get ripped!
Me sitting in the parking lot of the gym 15 minutes after class has started, and also I forgot to book the class, and my stomach hurts: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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La grandeur des humains
La grandeur des humains ne se retrouve pas dans la forme, que ce soit sa corpulence, sa déficience ou sa couleur, et la beauté extérieure. D’ailleurs, qui sait comment fixer la beauté ? Elle est subjective et furtive, elle est toujours en transformation. La grandeur de l’humain réside dans cette capacité de puiser à l’intérieur des limites de ses imperfections et de sa fragilité, l’énergie…
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Today, the eating disorder triumphed. I feel absolutely awful. Great to remind myself what I've been avoiding.
Tomorrow I go back to gym after 2 weeks of being sick. It's going to be hell.
Better luck tomorrow. Just don't make bad choices. Remember how shitty this feels. It's not worth it.
My gym is right next to a religious bookstore. Every time I go, I see decrepit old ladies who can't stand up straight, can't walk quickly, can barely push a cart, struggle to carry their shopping bags. And honestly, that is a way better incentive to get good than vanity or insecurity.
Yes, there is some vanity because I live in this culture. Yes, there is some insecurity because very few people throughout my life have expressed attraction to me. But I have aged beyond the point of beauty being the defining factor of my social worth. I'm free from that burden. I'm also, for the first time in my life, mentally healthy enough to pursue long-term goals.
Now I look forward and see that health problems and physical dysfunction are an impending reality, not an obscure possibility. My grandmother, mother, and half my sisters have gotten diabetes from being overweight. I look around and see my age peers falling apart. I have a friend who is constantly dislocating her ribs. How? Why? She sits around all day, she's not using her body. The muscles are too weak and don't hold her body together.
I know comparison is an unhealthy way to judge oneself. I am the most fit person in my family and probably in my friend group. I'm concerned for these people. And I'm not in amazing condition. But I'm getting better.