#corissa

There had been a night...well, several, but one in particular.  She had never exactly met Sarrissa, but she had read everything she'd ever written, idolized her from afar for what felt like an eternity, and that day Cora had seen her in passing; her unit had been sent on shore leave to Thessia when Sarrissa was attending a conference, and Cora had just glimpsed her, known immediately who she was.

That night, treated to a warm meal and a soft bed, Cora had dreamt of Sarrissa...the strange, abstract way of dreams.  They'd been talking about one of Sarrissa's manuals, some fine point Cora had wished to ask her about, and they'd been so close, a touch of the arm, a closing of the eyes, faded around the edges, a kiss, and Cora had awoken confused and mortified and surrounded by asari who could sense the change in her, and she'd had to...she didn't want them to think...it wasn't...

"Don't you think it's got to be exhausting, everyone talking about how sexy you are everywhere you go, when you're just trying to live your life?" Cora spoke at last. "It wasn't like that.  They were my teammates.  We were coworkers and friends and I loved and admired so many things about their culture, their civilization, and I'd have taken a bullet for any of them, and they'd have done the same for me.  Just because...I mean, even if..."

Vetra's arm was still draped over Ryder's shoulder as the both of them watched her, waited for her to continue.  The tentative kind of thing you see in budding almost-relationships, where neither person is sure they want to say anything, to bring it up and risk ruining everything they have.  It wasn't unheard of, humans and turians, though Cora was sure the complications were many.

It was different, though. Different parameters, different stereotypes and preconceptions to overcome.

Cora felt suddenly very alone.  There was some kind of block in her mind, something that said, you shouldn't objectify people, but that got all tangled up in, you shouldn't even think about people, women, other women, sexually, because what if they take it the wrong way, and what if they don't want you, and what if you're just some sad intruder looking for a place in the world, a place in a world you wish were yours?

"We're sorry for teasing you, Cora," said Ryder at last.  "I swear neither of us meant anything by it.  And, y'know, it's not, like...intrinsically bad to think someone is attractive.  I've seen how you work.  I know you'd never, I dunno, diminish anyone..." Ryder shrugged "...into being just their looks or something."

And now there was Sarrissa as Cora had met her: so determined to stick to her manuals and her guidelines and her rules that she had come off as ruthless.  So lawful she had become almost callous.  Was this the ideal Cora had envisioned for herself? What kind of Pathfinder would Cora have become?  More immediately, would fractured images of Sarrissa still haunt Cora's dreams now that she had fallen from grace in Cora's mind?

They rode the rest of the way back to the landing site in heavy silence, and try though Cora might to push her thoughts to the back of her mind once they'd taken off, she found herself consumed.  She spent the better part of the workday staring at nothing, hands folded on her desk until they were all that propped her up, and she wasn't sure exactly when she fell asleep, only she knew that she did, because Sarrissa was there, looking down upon her, some unknown human stupidly quoting her own work at her, admiring, distantly longing, and even if Sarrissa wasn't her writing, she was more, and Cora still looked at her and...wanted.

"Cora?" Ryder's hand on her shoulder.

"Hm.  What.  Sorry. I just..."

"Relax, it's fine," hands held up in surrender, that sort of unassuming look about her face. "We've all had a long day. You could use some rest."

Cora rubbed her eyes, tried to shake the strange abstractions her dreams had dragged back to the forefront of her thoughts.  "I'm not sure I can really rest right now," she said.

Ryder shrugged amiably. "Take some time off, then, maybe? There's this crazy greenhouse-y, garden-y thing on the Nexus.  Also a bar. However you relax, I'm not here to judge."

Were Cora a different person, she might have laughed.  As it stood, she offered a tired approximation of a smile.  "Thanks, Ryder.  Maybe I'll...maybe I should...think about it."

Ryder was lingering, like there was more she wanted to say, but Cora was too overwrought to be facilitating any kind of human interaction.  At last, Ryder continued without prompting.  "There's...one more thing.  I hope it wasn't going too far, after...earlier," she thrust the hand that housed her omni-tool in Cora's direction.  "But when I met with the other Pathfinders, I asked Sarrissa if she wouldn't mind exchanging extranet addresses with you, since you're such a fan of her work, and she said she'd be fine with it, so..."

Without any conscious effort on her part, Cora lifted her own omni-tool-clad hand to accept the information, but her eyes never left Ryder's.  A little thrill welled up inside her.  She had so many things she wanted to say, things she wanted to know, but there was this extra thing, this little...schoolgirl's crush that she hardly even wanted to acknowledge, and she couldn't possibly, and it didn't even matter, didn't mean anything, but...