#convential

*Disclaimer: I like to talk ALOT, so if you do not like reading lengthy posts, then my blogs aren’t for you* 

Okay yall, so looking at my notes that I jotted, I am going to have to section my journey through college through parts of the years instead of just through years because entirely TOO much happens during each year, and it would be overwhelming to capture it in just one post. I personally like to process things in parts, and psychologically, other people processes things better that way to! So, I will dive into my experiences of me FIRST stepping onto campus!

So, me arriving to school was a little conventional because I arrived to school on my own, by myself with large suitcases on the bus. (Yes the bus). I arrived myself and had to set up my room by myself. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the familial/financial support to help me during these first steps, but that’s a different story for a different day! I was the first to arrive to my dorm room; my roommate was scheduled to move in two or three days later. I really didn’t have anything AT ALL to get together. All I had were my suitcases full of clothes and sheets that my boyfriend’s mother at the time bought me (No comforters, no pillow sheets, just sheets). I came to school extremely broke so I couldn’t buy the basics until I got money from financial aid. So, I just stayed and talked to my boyfriend at the time until I heard other people moving in

Excited to meet other people, I noticed that everyone came not only with BOTH parents (woah...), but these fellow incoming freshmen came with TVs, video games, couches, futons, plants, lamps, tubs FULL of clothes and shoes, rugs. Everyone practically was moving in a whole HOUSE in a dorm. Instantly, I was extremely confused. So many thoughts rushed through my mind. Of course I went and spoke to everyone and tried to be very friendly, but the whole time my thoughts were racing: “Oh, They got moneyyyyyyyyy” “Their parents actually helped them move in?” “Was I supposed to have more stuff?” “Am I prepared?” “Why do I feel some type of way about this”. After absorbing all of this I went into my bare ass room that only had my bed sheets and I felt extremely shitty. Unfortunately I had to come with a hard realization when it comes to familial and financial support between the Black community and the White community: this is THEIR norm, not mine. 

Being born and raised (and proud) from the South Side of Chicago, it was normalized to have one-parent households, typically with mothers being the head of the household. It was normalized for families to be damn near piss poor. It was normalized to have a toxic environment in the households, and it was weird when someone didn’t fit that norm. It was weird when someone had BOTH parents or Black families who were middle class. In high school, I even had a girl tell me in my face “Well, at least your dad is in your life. I don’t even know mine”. Just having a father who is only physically present in your life, regardless of lack of parenting and care he has” has more presidency than a household without a father at all. Wow, ain’t that some shit?

Nevertheless, I went in my room and I started to tear because I questioned why this couldn’t be my norm, I desired so bad for my mother to be in a financial situation in order to be with me and help me during my move in and I desired for my father to stop being an ass and give me some money in order to help me buy the BASICS for college. It got to the point where I started to feel bad and sorry for myself because of the cards that life had given me, making me feel as though I wasn’t privileged enough to be in school when I couldn’t even begin to scratch the surface of having what my counterparts had....

And that, my friends, is apart of my freshmen year journey literally day 1 filled with anxiety :).