#contempory

Fan art

- Juxtapoz, New Contempory - 2013 - 239 pages -

‘Just listen,’ he says with a voice that sounds like shrapnel.

I open my eyes wide now. I sit up as much as I can. And I listen. ‘Stay.’ With that one word, Adam’s voice catches, but he swallows the emotion and pushes forward. ‘There’s no word for what happened to you. There’s no good side of it. But there is something to live for. And I’m not talking about me. It’s just … I don’t know. Maybe I’m talking shit. I know I’m in shock. I know I haven’t digested what happened to your parents, to Teddy …’ When he says Teddy, his voice cracks and an avalanche of tears tumbles down his face. And I think: I love you.

I hear him take gulpfuls of air to steady himself. And then he continues: ‘All I can think about is how fucked up it would be for your life to end here, now. I mean, I know that your life is fucked up no matter what now, for ever. And I’m not dumb enough to think that I can undo that, that anyone can. But I can’t wrap my mind around the notion of you not getting old, having kids, going to Juilliard, getting to play that cello in front of a huge audience, so that they can get the chills the way I do every time I see you pick up your bow, every time I see you smile at me.

‘If you stay, I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll quit the band, go with you to New York. But if you need me to go away, I’ll do that, too. I was talking to Liz and she said maybe coming back to your old life would just be too painful, that maybe it’d be easier for you to erase us. And that would suck, but I’d do it. I can lose you like that if I don’t lose you today. I’ll let you go. If you stay.’