#connection reading

a tarot pick a pile reading

"Portrait of a Lady", by Natale Schiavone

There is someone that is tempting you, someone that is calling out your heart... A heart that still hurts so much, that doesn't know if it's okay for it to trust someone one more time. A friend, a partner, a love that still needs to bloom... Today we will ask if they can be the right one for you, a soul that you can open up to.

Slow down. Breathe deeply. Think about them. And wander with your gaze between the details of this painting. Connect to it. Allow it to show you where your answer is.

p.s. In a moment when ai seems to take over every social media platform... I thought about giving some more space to our own art, the one created by true hands and infused with real emotions. I hope that this new style of blog and readings will be something that you might like.♡ I will also make a pinterest board (that I will later add to my pinned post) where I will upload all the beautiful paintings that will inspire my work from now on.)

- Pile One,

(the wheel of fortune and the world)

It's so strange how one day, all of the sudden, there is something more when you look at them, when you hear the sound of their voice or laughter. You notice how the light dances on their skin. How the world reflects in stars in their eyes. The ones that look at you now differently, somehow, or perhaps it always was like this..? There is a new tone, a new rhythm about your every moment. Their movements slow down, as you seem to perceive so much about them, your heart pounding, your skin trembling.

It's strange because it comes out of nowhere. Is it you that changed or them? And what you are supposed to do about it..? And yet, it feels natural, isn't it? One type of connection seems to flow into another, changing, evolving, blooming. Softly, tenderly. Without any noise, any obstacle, any need to ask it out loud. It just happens, you just feel and notice it. You understand each other, you understand what is happening between your hearts right in this moment.

But even if it so gentle... You don't let yourself go, not yet, not without thinking about it, about all the implications. You seem afraid. That it will only ruin everything. That it will make things complicated, and waste a connection that seemed so easy and so genuine...

But you can breathe now, you can let yourself go. You can trust that heart of yours that, for the first time, seems so excited that it doesn't even want to wait for your mind's judgement. It doesn't want to think, to analyse, to wait. It wants to go with it, to live it, to experience. And it is the right thing.

It didn't happen suddenly, or strangerly, without any motive like you think. It happened gradually, naturally, in such a right way that you didn't even notice it. You didn't need to plan it, or to conspire. To think about how to get closer, what could attract the other. It just... clicked, somehow. In one singular moment, sincerely, as much as only ready and genuine hearts can do it.

It was something that was supposed to happen between you, right from the start. It was supposed to feel so simple and yet significant. The way you connect. The way you got to know each other. The way you found yourselves to look in a mirror, when gazing in the eyes of the other. It was supposed to begin this way, and only then to change, to deepen. To show you that you can trust each other, that is is different.

So don't overthink it. As much as you can now. Don't stress about these new feelings, these new perceptions... Just live them, feel them. And allow it to go and evolve on its own, exactly like you did until now. Allow these new feelings, new connection, to welcome you in, and surrender. Because it is not one of those connections that are meant to teach you, to scare you, to make you stronger. Or, at least, it won't be in such a destructive way as you expect them to be now. It is different, this time, with this person. You can trust them. And you can trust yourself with them. You can trust each other, exactly like you did until now. This changes nothing.

p.s. But if your mind is still unsure, your steps are still uncertain... We could take a little glimpse into the future, we could see how your connection would evolve, if you'd to let your walls down. Right here, in this patreon exclusive reading...♡

- Pile Two,

(the eight of swords and the judgement)

It's almost funny how things have changed. How the tables have turned, as they say. All that desire, all the intention, all the tries to get closer to them... Just for you to hide as soon as they really look at you, really see you for the first time.

You didn't really expect it, didn't you? It was mostly a little game, of tricking and chasing, of wanting to have something that could never happen. It was the emotions, the excitement, the danger. Of being noticed, of being chased.

But then... It really did happen. Every calculated step started to make effect, on you more than on them. The game of understanding how to have their attention... Just allowed you to get to know them, to learn so much about the one with whom you were playing.

It wasn't serious. It wasn't nothing dangerous. But it begin to feel this way as soon as they started to reply, to interact, to share moments with you that flew by in an instant, that captured you with their easiness, with their safeness.

You didn't expect to see them this way. Nor to want something more, to hope for it. But now it almost seems like it is too late to worry about it, to try to stop it, when your heart becomes so loud, so reckless, when you think about them.

You are making steps back, you are hiding. Because it never was supposed to be this serious, this deep, there never was supposed to be a real bond connecting your heart to each other. How you could do it? How you could ever allow it? To trust them, to let them closer, when all of this happened because of a little game, of a little moment of boredom or curiosity..?

But, what if I'd say to you that it was never really just about that? What if I ask you to rethink about it, to remember, all those little moments between you? The tease, the jokes, the laughter. The silence that never was so uncomfortable. The time that flew by. The desire to be closer. The mind of yours that spent so much time imagining, planning, scheming, saying to yourself that it was nothing serious, only a game that you were playing...

It is ironic, really, how much you did, how much you wanted and longed for, and how much you are afraid now of all of it, when they finally started to play that same game of yours.

You are continuing to say that it is nothing serious, that you were never interested this way... And yet there was a reason why, among so many people, you still chose them. Why this game started, why it captured you so much. Why, now, you are so worried about it, instead of simply ignoring it, if it was so non important. There is a why in them, in you and them. In the chemistry that sparked that something. In the way you clicked, knowing so well how to play the same game.

Then why are you so afraid of them now, when they are silently asking you of more? Why you are making steps back now that it feels more real, more serious? Are you afraid of your victory, of your victory over their heart? Or are you afraid of your loss, of the damnation that you see when you realise that they won over yours too?

Is it really because you never wanted it, because you never saw them this way? Or is it because it is scary, to do it really and not only while playing? You've complicated it so much. But not now, when you feel so unsure and a little in denial... But back then. When you still chose to do it, to trust them, to get closer, but hiding under the nonchalance and jokes about it.

You convinced yourself that it never was serious, that it never was like that. And it made you, now, feel so insecure, when seeing that it is actually becoming something more, something that they want too, while you are still afraid of admitting it to your own heart.

You did it. You both chose this. You both wanted it before even knowing it. And there is nothing wrong or tricky about it. Not when it happens so naturally, no matter how much you tried to dismiss it or avoid it. While still hoping.

p.s. But if your mind is still unsure, your steps are still uncertain... We could take a little glimpse into the future, we could see how your connection would evolve, if you'd to let your walls down. Right here, in this patreon exclusive reading...♡

- Pile Three,

(the eight of wands and the sun)

Is love supposed to be so torturous? Are the connections supposed to be so hard, so slow, so confusing and uncertain? Are you supposed to work so hard for them, sacrifice yourself, demolish parts of you and then reinvent them in order to be liked by someone? Or... Is it how your stories were, how they made you feel, what they convinced you that the relationships are all about? Is it the truth, the fact, or just something that you trust deeply, even when something different, something genuine, is blooming right in front of you?

I know it's quite a feeling, the excitement, the rush, the involvement that a new connection gives you. The moments together fly by. The ones apart are endless. Every single detail that you get to know about them seems such a treasure. It captivates you. Even more when they seem so caught by you, overwhelmed with the same feeling. It is a synergy, everything works so perfectly, so naturally, almost like it's a dream, or a very good scheme in which you are falling...

But can it really be that? Just a trap? A joke? A mistake and heartbreak in disguise that you are about to welcome in? Can it be that because of how fast and entertaining is it? Or, perhaps, exactly because of this, it can't be nothing but genuine connection, two souls that recognise each other instantly?

You are holding yourself back a little. Because it seems too easy, too perfect, too fast for how you imagined your next and right connection to be, a story that would be different from the past ones that left you breathless. But even though I understand it, this world does too, it is still so difficult to try to control a feeling, isn't it? It is so difficult to manage the whirl of pure and genuine emotions, when two people get to know each other, understanding day by day that they are simply meeting themselves, in another person.

You have nothing to worry about. There is no end to which you are supposed to prepare yourself, before hitting it. It is fast because it's natural. And it is natural and easy because it is true, it is genuine, it is a safe connection.

Don't look for breaks, don't close your eyes afraid of what can be ahead, of what this connection could become, of what it all could mean to you. Just live it. And leave it free. Free from fears. Free from expectations. Just enjoy it. The way it is now. The way it makes you feel when you are next to them, and the whole world slows down, becomes safer, clearer.

p.s. But if your mind is still unsure, your steps are still uncertain... We could take a little glimpse into the future, we could see how your connection would evolve, if you'd to let your walls down. Right here, in this patreon exclusive reading...♡

Irene & Seulgi (red velvet) ˚₊ ࿔₊• — dynamic reading!

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Dynamic ˚₊ ࿔₊•

This is a dynamic that is the way it is and has been built by their history together, everything they've gone through the bads & the goods. It's also a very powerful leadership type of connection, or maybe their viewed that way? There's admiration here,they also probably have a lot of faith & trust in each other. They've most likely gone through difficulties in their relationship. They also see each other as inspiration, they have a shared dream that keeps them aligned together, so it's like because of that same dream or goal that they have, that keeps the relationship especially strong. There's also a lot of passion, and creativity more so a drive that keeps it going. They work very very well together. It's like working with one another keeps them at their highest. They seem pretty confident & natural around each other probably cause of how long they've known each other, like they don't walk around on eggshells or act awkward around each other at allll. Again I'm sure they've gone through stuff & difficulties but this is showing me that they've overcoming those periods/phases of struggle, distance/isolation from each other just when it wasn't good. This shows me a mature and loving relationship where despite misunderstandings & distance they always find their way back to each other. Also if there were ever times when one was going through professional issues, public hate, controversies or just difficult times the other pulled ghem out of the dark and vice versa. They're kind of like each others safety net. So they never feel alone as long as they have each other

Irene -> Seulgi ˚₊ ࿔₊•

She has a lot of fondness for seulgi, she seems almost protective of her & prideful about her. There's also this softness & nurturingness for seulgi. When around seulgi she's more gentler & affectionate than normally with others. To her seulgi is someone very creative, honest & downright pure hearted, someone very very close to her who's emotions & feelings she wants to protect from everything. She sees & respects her talent, independence & charisma on stage, she sees her as like powerful & confident. To seulgi there's like this loyalty, then this desire to offer support to her, to give her peace & a safe space. She gives her a lot of love & care just making sure seulgi is always feeling good & important. She has such a soft spot for seulgi. Then admiration for how much she's capable

Seulgi -> Irene ˚₊ ࿔₊•

There's this patience & understanding she has. Irene might be a little difficult to handle?? So it seems like she has to use a lot of patience & composure, as well as the love, fondness & gentleness she has for irene as a person deep down to deal with her. Because she might see Irene as someone who has a pretty intense personality with these moods so she has to be soft not to cause let's say some friction. She thinks of irene as someone who's gone through stuff & is very strong. She offers calmness, steadiness & balance to irene who is more firey (is irene a fire sign? It's giving me a lot of aries, could be someone with earth & air but I'm leaning on a fire sign). To seulgi irene has flaws that she accepts. Regardless of past controversies, or situations that irene may have not handled well or with enough grace, she still stands besides her, it's a very loyalty over judgment thing. To seulgi she's someone who she was fated to meet, it's a very destiny type of thing she feels like. It's like she truly believes that their paths were meant to cross & for them to be what they are now. She's willing to deal with the ups & downs of life with Irene by her side. It's a very ride or die relationship. To her their connection is a very permanent thing in her life

Before I begin the reading I’d like to take a moment to talk about Native Hope. They’re a non-profit organization that addresses the injustice done to Native communities in the U.S. and Canada. They share Native stories, provide educational resources, and assist Native communities. If you’d like to make a donation you can click; link.

🚨 P.S.A 🚨 : I do not give personal readings!

Information

This ask game will give you a better understanding as to the connection that you may have with someone. You might have felt very drawn towards someone, or maybe you might have felt a lot of hate or anger towards someone. You'll be able to know why that is so.

Rules

1. Anons - for your ask:

give me at least 2 emojis,

why you want to know about this connection,

the person that you want to know what this connection is about, and

If this person is a celebrity or an idol or public figure, then you need to tell me their name

If this person is not a celeb or idol or public figure, then you need to tell me what their relationship is to you (For example, they are your crush, your neighbor, your sibling, parent, grandparent, classmate, enemy, etc.) and their initials

anything else you want to add that you think will be useful

2. Non anons - for your ask:

reblog and like this post,

why you want to know about this connection,

the person that you want to know what this connection is about, and

If this person is a celebrity or an idol or public figure, then you need to tell me their name

If this person is not a celeb or idol or public figure, then you need to tell me what their relationship is to you (For example, they are your crush, your neighbor, your sibling, parent, grandparent, classmate, enemy, etc.) and their initials

anything else you want to add that you think will be useful

**Note: I do not do readings on enhypen members, so if you're asking about an enhypen member, I will not answer that q!

2. If you don't follow the rules, I will delete your ask. If you try to lie and make things up about a connection, then I will also delete your ask. If you send any hate or negativity, I will block you and delete your ask.

3. I might not be able to answer all asks as these sort of connection readings take more time, but I will do my best. I might sometimes close my asks so I can take a break.

4. Once I reblog this post, then the game is over!

Divinatory Jukebox: “I Knew I Loved You”, by Savage Garden.

tarot pick a pile reading → one, two, three

Those eyes, those smiles, that sweetest smell once they let you closer… A face that you could recognise in an instant, even though it never was caressed by your gaze before. A voice that you can almost hear, as you are walking through this life, one step after another, devouring the distance and the time keeping you apart… All of it, every single detail, feels more like a memory, rather than imagination and desire to find that someone. It seems more like a fate that is taking a little longer, a secret that you somehow know and await to manifest. Something that, each day and instant, is whispering to you sweetly about all those moments your hearts are destined to share. But there is a missing peace in there somewhere. A detail they don't mention, leaving it all to your imagination and dreams. But it is so important… to know when and where your encounter will be, and what to do in the meantime… isn't it?

There is a little spot in your heart, buried under all the emotions, all the memories of people that were once there, and those that stayed… There is a little corner that is still not filled, that nothing and no one really fits. Almost like it's being saved for someone special, without you knowing a thing. A little surprise, a gift, something so precious that the life itself can’t resist the urge to give you clues and signs about them. About that one person that stands out so much among the others, with so many threads of destiny that are pulling you closer. A lover, a friend, a mirror of your own soul, made of the same stardust that birthed you into this world... There is someone, out there, that you still need to meet, and yet every inch of you already knows them. You feel them, you know they are coming, that your paths will soon cross each other.

So slow down. Calm your breath, your heart, your mind. And pay attention, listen closely, to the message that the pile that is calling you has for you right now.

p.s. There is a way to keep the messages of the universe much closer. A little box of treasure with all the guidance, all the advices, secrets we discover… A way to find my readings right in your inbox, where they are safe, all yours, and you can savour each word with your own rhythm, whenever your heart wants it… Through my free newsletter to which you can subscribe right here, obviously only if you want to.♡

p.p.s. Which pile you felt called by? Let me know, or follow me for more readings like this one.♡

– Pile One,

the stork: the two of cups and the three of coins

The voice of your tired and lonely mind is so loud lately… So motivated and persistent to let you know that it will never happen. That there aren't people that are so perfect as you imagine them, not even you compare to the one you envision… The one you feel so real only when you dream, eyes closed, with heavy breathing, as you search for them through your unconsciousness, the only light among all those nightmares, and the only place they seem to live in…

One after another, so many faces, voices, words… and not even one seems to be the one. So you are starting to think that perhaps you should just accept it and stay still, finding enough in those that are around you… But then again you are overwhelmed, like in a fever, with all the details about them that you already love so deeply, that start to feel more and more like memories, and not only what you dream of, not something that is so easy to forget and give up.

There is a constant battle within you. The cold reality and pure need to feel that warmth of a connection that is deeper. The mind that is ready to give up, that feels ashamed and even guilty for nurturing for so long a dream that never became more real… And a heart that knows, somehow, that it is possible, that it is worth to believe in and wait for it, that you can't be the only one to long for such connection, and thus you should be able to find it, to find them, sooner or later.

But even if it is so… There is no need to consume yourself so much for it. To fight so strongly, to exhaustion, for something that will either way find you, even if you will not do every single thing to make sure it happens, or perhaps to force it.

This soul, whoever they are, or whenever they are now in this moment… they exist, you know? They are living, breathing, moving through their days and journeys. They are writing their own story, their chapters, their slow or fast moments. And with each decision, with each step, they are following that thread that pulls their hand tenderly but so reassuringly, showing them the right and safest way. A way to find you.

So please breathe. There is no time running out, chances missed, or obstacles not avoided. There is nothing between you if not just life. The journeys, the stories, that you need to live on your own first. Before sharing another one with them, side by side, exactly like you hope for. There are just things that you need respectively to experience, to create. The things that only you or them can manifest. You can’t do everything on your own, speed up the process, find the right path, and run right away to that person. And it makes you feel hopeless, just because you think that these things are the only ones that could give you reassurance, be those signs that everything is going well, that this dream is still possible… But you don't realize, in this frustration, how many confirmations and signs are here already. In you and in the reality around you. In your growth, in your confidence, in your courage to be honest about whom you want to walk on your journeys with, and the confidence to say it out loud, to not settle for someone that you don't feel right and aligned for the life you want now. You see only connections that won’t work, people that leave, the emptiness around you. And not the space that they are making for someone else, right by your side, giving you the real chance to welcome them in your life once you will find each other.

Give them and yourself some time, some space to live your separate stories. Focus on your journey, on the things that you desire to experience, to do, to make, but put on hold just because there isn't someone to witness it, to enjoy them with you, to appreciate or admire it the same way you do. Don't bottle them down, don't write those endless lists of what you would do once you have someone to share it with. Just do it for yourself, now, when you the most want it.

Follow your mind, not only the heart's calling. Give it something to love and to be nurtured by too, now, so it can calm down and stop being so judgemental of your heart’s desires and whispers about someone that is not here. Fill your life with joy, with appreciation, with true presence. With healing and growth. And those things that you will finally feel and live, not those that you need to, but those that you want to, will be the ones to guide you faster to the one you are hoping to find one day. Because the things that connect you are not the choices about the work, the place where you live, how you dress, talk, or look at others. How many things you want to do with that someone, or how many plans you have prepared for the moment you will be in front of each other. No, a connection like this goes right through your hearts, somewhere deeper, stitching you through all those things that make you both bloom with love and joy, not for someone else, but for the world around you.

p.s.

buy me a tomato 🍅 (if you want to)

– Pile Two,

the garden: the wheel of fortune and the stars

It is so interesting to have you here… Glimpsing silently into a story that is not really about you, but that you would like so much to live just to don't feel so strange and different for not having it… For not having that love, that someone special to run towards.

You are here, reading these words, looking for the answers to the questions that you don't even ask yourself, just because others made you feel like it is wrong, to find enough in just your self, in not needing someone else’s love to surround you and nourish you to help you heal and grow.

But… You are not wandering lonely and pointlessly around now. You are living. Experiencing this life, these journeys. You are becoming more and more you, with each step. Shedding the past, healing the wounds, creating space for the real you to bloom. And... it is not useless, it is not wasting your time, being too isolated, egocentric or antisocial. Just because you are not looking obsessively for someone to hold your hand, to warm you up, to love you… Just because you are finding it all in your own self, looking first in your own eyes, trying to understand that soul in the reflection of a mirror, instead of seeking someone else's gaze in hopes to find in there any answers.

So many of us heal, discover our true self, through the connections with others. Through their opinions, their actions, their decisions… And how they makes us feel, what they force us to feel, not leaving any room for hiding or second-guessing. And it is right. In the good and in the bad. It is normal and needed to have someone that shows us who we are, how much we are deserving of love, through giving it to us or by denying it... But it is also okay to understand it all on your own. To feel all of this within, growing and healing through a connection that is much deeper, hidden inside, and not somewhere out there, in another soul that you need to meet in order to realize it.

There is no need for judgement nor any forcing, there is no need for you to wait to feel and create precious moments just because so many souls want to do it with someone. You can do it on your own. You can be the love of your life, the closest and dearest soul. You can be the one that you share the deepest bond with. The one that you will never be not mesmerized by. The one that you could never forget, never stop believing in. The one you can't wait to meet, some day, looking in the eyes of who you will become, feeling their love and understanding overwhelming your soul.

You can do it. Even if some dream of a perfect love, or others are longing for a true friend… You can do it differently, you can feel the closest to the person you will become one day, feeling complete already, not waiting nor looking for anyone else. Because this is who you are, this is what your soul truly wants. Who it is truly looking and calling for. And it is more than enough.

p.s.

buy me a tomato 🍅 (if you want to)

– Pile Three,

the scythe: the page of cups and the six of swords

In a sense… they already saved you. Not by being in your life, right here by your side. Not by holding you, hugging you, protecting you from this world. Not by whispering to you sweet and comforting words… But by just being a possibility. The chance itself that there is someone, somewhere out there, who would understand you right after the first glance, feel you after the first smile… It was enough to save you. To save yourself in the meantime.

It might not be ‘’ideal’’, the healthiest, the most romantic and heroic way to survive… But it is the reality. In which, sometimes and for some reason, we do feel alone and vulnerable, in danger even, among the people that we trust our heart with, after they scratch and crush it... And we do need to hope that there is someone different out there, to give us the strength to go through it, when our own love is not unfortunately enough to make it.

There is nothing strange or shameful in this. In giving yourself hope, someone to believe in, even if you don't know yet the sound of their voice. And in surviving for them, for a chance to meet them and be with them. In looking for them in the eyes of others, sometimes believing that you finally found them, convincing yourself a little too much perhaps, just to be hurt once more, when you didn't expect it anymore… It is fine. It is all okay. You are not delusional, your head is not too much in the clouds, your heart is not too romantic for the harsh reality of how the relationships are becoming now. You are not too naive because of your belief, or too egocentric when you choose it over some poorly made promises of those that never deserved to come so closely.

We all have someone, someone that we connect with so deeply, understand so naturally, so easily as breathing. And that's it. This is the truth. But some people believe it and some don't. Some know it from the beginning, others forget about it or refuse to hope for it. And some… learn and understand it amidst and despite everything. Exactly like you did. Choosing to focus on this thought, on this feeling, rather than the bad endings of the stories that everyone is so fast to believe in, surrendering to it.

They exist. Many of them. All the souls that you will feel finally safe and at peace with. And each your breath, each your step and decision, is already guiding you to them, exactly like it is supposed to be. You just need to remind it yourself, for a moment. Now that the life seems a little too stagnant, a little more cold and lonely, with all those judgemental voices screaming so loudly. Don't look at them, don't listen. Turn around, focus your gaze on your direction, your goals, the things that you believe in. Let them stay behind, becoming more and more indistinguibile, in their assumptions, and inability to have peace when someone still has hope for being loved and appreciated. It's their way of thinking, their experiences, their choices. They don't influence you, or your own journey. Nor the one of the souls that are looking for you, as you dream about them, hoping.

p.s.

buy me a tomato 🍅 (if you want to)

"The Carrier Pigeon", by Ferdinand Keller

Your steps are so rushed, your mind so hectic... So much that there is a destined message that you keep on missing, passing it by and rushing forward, looking for answers, but without giving them time to reach you, to find you, to help you...

So slow down for a moment. Breathe in, breathe out. Calm down and wait a little, just an instant needed for the message to finally reach you. Allow it to come through, allow it to whisper something that is really important that you hear now.

piles → one, two and three ♡

- Pile One,

(the two of cups and the queen of cups)

It is somehow strange... The way you decided to go about. The way you decided to change what seems to be a destiny of being alone, of feeling alone, in this life as you are walking through it.

You stopped the search of that someone, of the right ones. You stopped the chase. But only for a moment. You've realised that there is no use in that, if the only thing you keep on looking for is a feeling, more than a person. That there is no need in lists, in picturing and crafting in your mind that very specific type of person, because you could find them, and still don't feel the way you are longing for. Because no matter how much you could theorise what makes a person be that needed for you way, you can't really be sure of it, of them becoming like that and not living their life and experiences differently, becoming someone else, someone that you don't expect to show up... So you instead turned inwards.

You are trying to analyse your own self. Understand how come you became who you are. Because, ultimately, this is who you want to find: someone that could understand you, be patient with you, care for you, the same way you do for others because of what you've got through and what you felt in the process.

You started the great study of your own self, bit by bit, so you could perhaps understand and imagine better, recognise them even, a person that could be your own reflection, you other half that you have lost in the meantime. But it seems like, although with the best intentions, you allowed this idea and theory to carry yourself a little too far. What seems to be a good thing, a long awaited and deserved attention to your own self, from yourself, is kind of only an illusion. It is something that doesn't have you as the main object, but still that hypothetic and perfect and right for you person, that you think you could find better if you have more information about yourself, what you already have and what you are missing.

A journey of love, of care, of prioritising your own soul, became just another tense and forced phase. A task rather than a calling, a battle rather than a gentle study. You try to do more of all of that, of self love and self care, of shadow work, of reflection, of any other thing that promises you to reconnect you to your own self deeper. But instead of feeling better, you are only drowning in stress and judgement. Because it is not really that sincere, your renewed interest for yourself. And, you know... you yourself can feel it.

And it saddens you. The inner you. Who really does want that attention and care and love from your own self, rather than from others. So desperately that they accept it. Although you are doing it now more for someone else, to find them, to speed up this process of being content with yourself and attract the right one that treats you well based on how you treat yourself. Rather than because you really do want only that, a good and healthy connection to who you are, to this person that you tend to sacrifice and overlook more than anyone else, always.

Just... Let's slow down for a little, and be honest with ourselves, with yourself. Be honest with what for and why you are doing all of this. Because, although it might seem like an unintentionally good thing - caring for yourself more in hopes to heal and find someone right for you, and even if for the "wrong reason" but still doing the right and needed thing for yourself - it is only leaving more scars on you. On that you that already so many times was hurt by others, and convinced by them that you are no good, not enough, unless you change something, better something, in hopes to attract with it another person by becoming more deserving.

It is a really tiny line, but still, without realising you are crossing it. Transforming the real and good thing that you finally made space and time for, gave priority to, into something that is done once again for others, and not really for your own self.

There is nothing wrong in wanting to find the right one. And there is nothing strange in taking care of yourself, healing yourself, and hoping that it might contribute to that, that it might give you more chances to connect in a more sincere and deep way with others, having more discernment now that you will know how much you can give to your own self and not accepting less from others. But, still, it shouldn't be the reason you are doing it, it shouldn't be the main focus, only an additional effect.

You should be the focus. Your own care. Your own well-being. You, before anyone else. You for yourself, for your love, not for that of someone else that you can't even picture, but are already dedicating yourself to so much.

Just shift a little bit the perspective, the reason. Because it is for you, you will be the one changing the most through this journey, not any other person or part of your life. But if you will do it with that expectation, you will never feel satisfied. Not until something else changes, a part of your own perception and ways towards you. And this... this dissatisfaction will be noticed, by that inner and already frail you, that will only be more convinced that you are not worthy of this care and attention for the sake of it, that you could never be enough of a reason. Making that scar deeper and deeper, but this time with your own hands, setting another terrible example of how you should be considered and treated. For others, but also for your own self, keeping up this never ending cycle.

p.s.

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- Pile Two,

(the wheel of fortune and the chariot)

There is nothing more important, more urgent and needed now, than escaping. Escaping the way things have been lately. The yet another cycle of what seem to be your mistakes, the consequences of your poor actions. There is nothing that is suffocating you more than this feeling of being trapped, of being limited by the life that you don't want and the lack of ways out, any opportunity or chance to really change things. And it all became even heavier once the new year started. Each day that passes is only a reminder, a count, of how little things are changing or evolving.

And you need it. You need something to shift. Even just a little. To be able to find some faith or hope to hold onto, to have patience, strength and courage thanks to. But it just doesn't seem to happen. Nothing ever does. So you are planning, scheming even.

You are looking around at others and their experiences, their ways of saving themselves and making it out of this misery. You are taking notes, finding inspiration, learning. Creating a list of needed things and possible steps that is becoming longer and longer.

And you keep on doing it even though it is already enough. Even if you found enough solutions and ideas. Even if time is passing, exactly like it did before, without changing anything. Just because this search, this getting ready for the big step or new journey, is already giving you that impression of movement and progress. The one that is much safer than the real one, that could give you victories but also failure, once you really start doing it.

You are just delaying it. Hiding your fear behind the illusion of doing things, of looking for the right moment or decision, telling yourself that some little more and you will be truly ready, you will have all that you need and the next real step will be perfect and successful. Just so no one else, not even your own self, can tell you that you are not doing enough, that you are wasting your time.

But, unfortunately, there really is no other way out. It really does come down to your actions, to your decisions, to your perceptions. The difference really is that one step that you fear the most, and the ones that will follow and that you already think might be just useless, a waste of time and energy of yours, without any reward or victory. It is exactly like you realised deep down, when you subconsciously started to keep yourself blocked right before the very start, where nothing is yet set in stone, where everything is still possible, and where you are safer.

But you can't stay here forever. Not when your desire and need for a change, or any sort of progress, are genuine and real. Loud even. So loud that you can't afford to ignore it longer, pretending that you need more time and preparation before just trying and committing.

It's true, things might just not work out again, not the first idea, nor the second plan, nor the third option even. And others will look at it from their perspective, based only on what they see, and they will judge you for it... But no amount of harsh words or lack of understanding from others can change the truth that at least you tried, that at least you had progress through mistakes and errors and failures, giving yourself still something, giving yourself at least the knowledge of what is for you and what is not. Which is far better than having the options, so vague in front of you, giving you hopes but also scaring you, consuming you even without you being really on those journeys.

You have already enough. You are ready. Perhaps not to change your life completely or to try every single thing that crossed your mind, one after another without ever stopping between them... But you have enough in you and in yourself to start with one thing, one idea, one option. No matter if it's about doing the first step in real life or just imagining to do so for a moment, feeling on your skin if this is something that you could really do, that it is worth it.

Because even if it's not, it is still progress. More progress than staying here and theoretically preparing yourself for something, disguising this way your fear of your own self, of the implications and truths that you convinced yourself that another failure could mean to you.

It is all just a theory, of yours or others. It doesn't mean anything. Not until you really do it and live it and see it for yourself. And not even after, if you will keep on moving and giving a fair chance to all the ideas that you've had, instead of allowing one failure to block you, and convince you that you can't do nothing else apart from failing.

You are much more than that, already. You have many more possibilities. You just need to do that first real step. Even if with fear, even if with the uncertainty. Because having a negative answer is much better than not having any. At least it sets you free to move on, it doesn't keep you in a golden cage of excuses and appearances.

p.s.

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- Pile Three,

(the moon and the death)

You try so hard. You really do. So much of your energy and intention really goes to this situation, the one that you are trying to save, to go through. But there are so few things that are really under your control. And as time passes, it becomes harder and harder to ignore it. To whisper to yourself words of encouragement, finding hope and strength somehow. How could you? When after so many things that you did and changed and sacrificed... It still doesn't work, there still isn't any real or valuable progress.

And it's the worst, when things are like this. It just doesn't work, no matter what. No matter how much you focus, work on it or stress about it. And yet it remains the only way, the only thing to do, at least something that you created, even if through such a long and suffering progress. It is a base, something tangible, something visible. Compared to the emptiness and loneliness, the pure discomfort, that you will face if you dare to let it go. If you just stop trying, and go in a different direction, a new and different journey.

But it still crosses your mind from time to time, in those moments when you are all alone, with your thoughts, with your harsh reality, in silence. When you can't help but remember all the lived moments on this journey, all the hardships, feeling it all over again, and asking yourself for how long you will be able to endure it... And is it even worth it, to do so?

But you are not naive. You know that a new beginning, a change of path, seems so beautiful and better now just because it is different, just because you are not there, you are not yet fighting for a creation of something brand new, or the discovery and teachings of something that could work for you. You know that it's just an illusion, mostly. A beautiful escape that feels so needed, because it will at least give you a semblance of movement, of something shifting and changing.

You are so tired already. Could you really have the strength and patience to do something else from scratch? To pursue it, without knowing if it will go well or just take more time and energy from you, like this situation is doing? But at this point... Even if it might be only a mirage... Perhaps it still will be more useful than this endless fight for something that doesn't make you feel anything else anymore, apart from frustration and fear that it could be this way forever.

Because a mirage, even if so out of reach, so perfect in its image and promises, at least makes you move forward. Makes you feel hope for something, makes you use your last strength to do one more step, and then many others, one at a time, helping you move forward. Further than this place and situation is allowing you.

You thought about it for quite some time honestly. In each of those little moments of weakness when the desire to just run away and screw it all and start again overwhelmed you. Little by little you did still find some ideas, some ways, some things that could become a solid plan of action, a journey, if you give them some more real attention. That can really have an opportunity hidden for you, in that puzzle of confusing thoughts and vague awareness of what you want and what you don't want to feel anymore... And it is already something.

It is more real than any promise that this situation gave you. It has more chances of working. Because it is different. Because it will challenge you by experimenting and gaining experience by doing, instead of only thinking, waiting, hoping.

It is a tough and serious decision, I know. But if what scares you the most is the loosing and invalidating the value of all your hard work and endurance until now... Remaining here, where it never becomes more, never serves any real purpose, is much worse than starting over, transforming all your experience on this journey into a lesson, that helped you understand what you really want and deserve more.

Every journey is different. Every beginning too. But you wouldn't know it if you only try to imagine it, without giving it a real chance to show you. You're good. You can do it. It won't be worse than this current stagnation. Because this first step into a new journey will be already much more than anything that this current situation allowed you to do in it.

It is okay to do it, really. You did your best. But you can't control the other circumstances and people that just don't seem to work it out in this case and in your favour. So just do what you really can: control yourself and your own steps. Change the direction, and give yourself a possibility to see the world from a different perspective, to see a different part of it that you didn't really explore or try out. There is so much out there that could really work for you, better than whatever this is. You just can't see it from the cage that you found yourself in, in this moment.

p.s.

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a tarot pick a pile reading

pictures from pinterest → one, two, three, four

There is quite nothing like the warmth, the tenderness that overwhelms us sweetly, as we realize that we are looking in the eyes of someone that we are falling for. Someone that we only met, someone that we already knew... But that at the same time feels never enough, those little glimpses of their soul that we saw. Not enough to satisfy our curiosity, our need to know more, to feel them more, to enter their world... And we can't escape the wandering. Will we be able to that? Will we receive the gift of sharing more moments with them, of seeing their smile, of hearing their voice? Will the life bring our paths together once again, giving us a chance to create a stronger bond?

P.s. I opened a membership (our soul club ♡ !) where among the exclusive readings, there also will be sometimes the extended versions of the ones I will post here. But...

Thank you for letting me know!♡

– Pile One,

the nine of swords and the emperor

It didn't go how it was supposed to. How you imagined it in your head, your thoughts pouring out of your lips, their heart absorbing them...

Your tone was harsh, your words were mean, your pace was desperate and rushed. You just wanted to be clear, to make them understand your perspective, how it felt to see and hear all that... And in the end it was all useless, all empty, they weren't there to meet you halfway, holding you tightly and telling you that they understand, that it's okay, that it won't happen ever again.

The days have passed. And like petals, all those emotions dried out and have fallen. Leaving only the truth, the knowledge that it was never your intention to push them away... Your words were a silent cry of your heart that wanted them closer. More intimate. More loving.

And so you are second-guessing it now, the way you moved, the things you've said, the ones you've heard from them and how you perceived them in the moment. You are afraid that it was your fault, that you weren't supposed to tell all that to them in the first place. But... weren't you supposed to protect yourself? To stand up for yourself and make it clear that something hurt you? Were you supposed to stay silent and hide it, allowing them to do it again and again just because they started to mean so much for your heart now? Were you really in the wrong, by asking to be nicer, more tender, more gentle? Or was their inability to do it, to understand it even, a sign that it wasn't their love, the one you were desiring?

It's not so easy to forget, to ignore it. To be at peace with the realisation that something that felt so natural was actually all an impression, a misunderstanding, a connection that perhaps wasn't supposed to be this deep, this important...

But you will need to do that. Because there won't be more conversations or confrontations, there won't be new petals growing on that flower. Everything it had, all that it could ever be, already bloomed. And even if it's so deeply sad, to not realise it before, appreciating it more, it is still what is right, and what makes it's memory more loving, perhaps more sour. Like a candy that you didn't expect to be so bitter, but that hid the little sweetness that made it still worth it.

p.s.

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– Pile Two,

the sun and the eight of swords

Your mind is so busy. Looking closely at every your moment with them, at every word you ever said, at every your movement and gesture when you were close to them... All just to be sure. To find a confirmation that you didn't ruin it, that you didn't overdo, that you were able to hide smoothly your enthusiasm and admiration for them, that they saw you like the finest version of you, so posed, mysterious, elegant, and charming.

But your heart... Doesn't really know how to lie. And when it loves, when it is excited, it's voice cannot be silenced, not even by your mind.

They did see it. That emotion, that desire in you to be closer, to get to know them. To see more of them, to learn to see the world like they saw it... But they didn't see nothing wrong in it. They didn't see the clumsiness, the lack of respect, infantility, someone that is just too much...

They, instead, saw after such a long time, a real and honest person. Someone who feels, truly, and is not afraid of showing it. Someone who is so fascinated by this world, by the people, by them, that doesn't realize how much they are the ones to be the most precious ones.

There is no need to devise a plan to be more interesting or charming. There is no need to try to find a way to cross their path again... They are already doing it, they are already thinking about you and your energy, the way they felt alive by your side, even if it was only a brief moment, the one in which you got to know eachother.

They have more courage, they are more confident. They know who they want by their side, in their life, and once they find them they don't have any intention to loose them. And, even with all your doubts and overthinking, you became someone like that for them. Someone that they want closer, someone that they will come and find, not forgetting about you even after millions of others that they might meet in the meanwhile.

p.s.

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– Pile Three,

the magician and the moon

There were so many plans, so many ideas and adventures to share together. So much faith that this connection would last forever...

And nothing really prepared you to these cold evenings, snuggled in your bed in front of a screen, trying not to think about all those things that you could've been doing now, together, instead of only imagining.

And it feels already like forever, an eternity all alone, without your paths crossing eachother, even for just a second... It doesn't really give you hope that it could happen, that you could see them, spend some time together, not when it would mean to start everything all over again, reconnecting, getting to know eachother like nothing ever happened.

But it is only a moment, a brief one in the grand scheme of things. There is still a lot to do, to experience together. There are still left so many emotions and memories.

The life has pushed you apart, it's true. But that little feeling of missing something in your life because they are not here, that tiny thought of them and if you'll ever see them again, is the sign that it would happen. It's that bond of yours that is resisting all this time and distance.

They are feeling it to. They know it too. That this is not the end, that there is something more that started to bloom between you. And this is enough to help you find your way to each other once again, sooner or later.

p.s.

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– Pile Four,

the ace of cups and the stars

There is nothing wrong in feeling drawn to someone because of the way we feel when we are with them, who we become, so different but in the best way possible, from who we are when we are all alone, in our thoughts and feelings...

There is nothing wrong in wanting to be closer to them, to their positive and such uplifting energy. To be that version of you that seems to awaken only when you are by their side. Only when they make you feel like it's really worth it, to take care of yourself, to indulge in the things that bring you joy, to not feel guilty for when you are not rushing like everyone else does.

There is nothing wrong in this. It doesn't, in any way, make your feelings and interest for them not genuine... Instead, perhaps, it only shows how much they mean to you, how much they inspire you with their own way of seeing and living things.

But also, at the same time, this being natural and not in any way shameful, can't change their life, their own adventures, their own journeys that they are living.

You think about them, you wait for them, for those precious moments together. And in the meantime you put yourself on pause, you don't do anything of those little gestures of love that you learned from them and were so eager to do when they were near you.

There is still something in store for you, for both of you together. But those will be the things to experience, not to learn. As they already showed you a side of you that deserved to be studied, acknowledged and be taken care of.

Don't worry, your path will cross eachother once again. But in the meantime don't nurture yourself only through the daydreams of you and them.

Be there for yourself, be present. Don't stay still and wait for their arrival, but let them surprise you. Because rather than being them, the gift that you feel like you were handled, it's what they taught you through their own actions and ways that is so precious. And you have it always with you, you can always look into it and take care of it, feeling once again as good as when you were with them. But this time and in the meanwhile, because of your own care and love for yourself.

p.s.

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