#conical thoughts

[Image id: Cemetery Headstone Symbols: Shaking Hands, underneath the writing there is a picture of a gravestone with two hands in a handshake. End id]

[Image id: When seen on a cemetary headstone or gravemarker, two clasped hands on the same level with matching cuffs typically represent:

A farewell/goodbye to earthly life

The continuity/unityof life and death as a human condition

A greeting/welcome to eternal life

Guidamce of the deceased to heaven by loved ones who predeceased him or her

End id]

[Image id: picture of the Thirteenth Doctor's earring: two clasped hands, one gold, one silver, with a chain going up and connecting to the cuff with a silver constellation of seven stars. End id]

[Image id: two clasped hands on the same level with different cuffs and/or a difference in the two hands typically represent:

The close emotional or spiritual bond between individuals or partners, such as a husband and wife, a mother and child, etc., despite their separation by death

The continuity of love and affection, i.e., eternal devotion between individuals/partners even though one of them has died

A greeting/welcome by an already deceased individual or partner to the newly deceased

Guidance of the newly deceased by a deceased individual or partner to everlasting life

End id]

And then imagine that you lose your job bc some guy blows up your workplace and then offers you to travel with him, and you agree bc it's fun, he is a cool little dude getting into fucked up dangerous situations, and you find this lifestyle appealing. Except it means living fulltime on his spaceship. Which often stays on alien planets or hangs in space or just straight up floats in the nothingness beyond human compreheneion. And imagine your teeth hurt or you're out of tampons, what do you do?

You have to like. Go to him. Asking to be let out. Like a fucking eight year old with their parent.

And remember, you don't have a job, you have no money, do you ask him for it? Because asking for permission to leave, essentially, wasn't humiliating enough?

And THEN, he says, because he is an unironically nice guy: "Oh, don't worry, we have some more tampons in storage somewhere" or "I'm a doctor, I can fix your teeth/I can take you to this random planet that you have no knowledge of and can't navigate by yourself and they can fix you teeth really well with alien methods that you won't ever understand". And you have to explain to him that it was never about tampons or teeth, it was about your autonomy that you've just gotten a couple of years ago and now it's been taken from you by these bizarre circumstances, you have to explain that you feel like a pet or a houseplant in this guy's house,

excpet you can't explain it because you don't actually think of it this way, because in actual real life you and the guy are besties, you are equals. You save each other's lives all of the time and learn from each other, and he is genuinely a good person who never means you any harm and is mostly fine with you bossing him around, and if you just asked he would pluck stars out of the sky and place them at your feet.

So, the thing is, you might remember my post that I would have chosen the sunrise on Darillium for 13's regeneration for angst reasons? I have written a few too many words following up on that now (because of course I have) and obviously River reacts to the old new face. And the first thing tenteen does is hurt her - because the Doctor is an idiot and because it happened to me on accident and then I quite liked it and decided to keep it.

And then I realised that generally 10 must be the face that hurts River the most because of the way their timelines flow (and because of that one big finish audio book I listened to) and I want one of the two to comment on that. Something along the lines of meeting the doctor was always the most heartbreaking in [10's] body. It would have been surprising to see that change.

Until now I have River make that comment and in my opinion she absolutely deserves saying it. But I feel like she might not do that for hiding the damage and because it is a pretty cruel thing to say and all that. Then again, this is Darillium!River, she might feel safer showing the damage.

But also 13 has become more self-conscious (I think?) and might realise this and 10 is self-loathing enough to make such a comment. So now I am considering giving it to them instead?

Anyway, what I wanted to ask is: Could you see one of the two (River and the Doctor) saying/thinking something along those lines and who?

Thus is a tough one. The trick is, i can totally see them both thinking it, but i don't know if any of them would voice it. The Doctor might be more self-aware since Thirteen, but Thirteen is also the one who never talks about how she feels, and even though we kinda know Tenteen's character from Ten, i doubt that all those lives wouldn't leave a mark.

I think a way around that would be to have the Doctor say it out loud when they think that River can't hear them (from your description i didn't really get if they hurt her physically, like with regeneration energy, or emotionally by being a jerk, but if it's the physical hurt situation, she might be unconscious/semi-conscious), the Doctor tends to be very chatty alone with themself. I think it's unfair to the Doctor to say that they need to be more self-aware to recognise the hurt they deal on River, they've always known, but because of how their story is told it's hard to 1. not see it as unavoidable and 2. talk about it because of what the Doctor knows about River's future. The hard part is, of course, to admit it to River directlydirectly and to apologize.

River, on the other hand, is a more probable candidate to say something like this to the Doctor's face, we see her expressing her hurt in Silence in the Library/Forest of the Dead (whether it's bc how she has grown to trust the Doctor and be vulnerable with them or bc her pain there is too much is unclear). She would absolutely say hurtful things to the Doctor if she thinks it's for their own good (see The Good Man Goes to War), and this situation can kinda be interpreted both ways, so River being the one to express this idea for them both would be realistic.

While River absolutely deserves to say it, i'd argue that she deserves as much, if not more so, to hear it. I don't think the Doctor ever admitted the damage they make, but we do see River kinda voicing it in The Angels Take Manhattan and The Husbands of River Song. Giving this line to River would be an easier road. I suggest giving it to the Doctor instead, partly because it's harder for them, and partly because it would have much greater impact on both of them and their journey. River deserves to hear that the Doctor realizes how hurtful their behaviour is and how sorry they are for everything, the Doctor needs this moment of emotional honesty, to get at least this one thing off their chest, and i think it would make their relationship go one step up, being open with each other in a way they weren't before. It would provide an opportunity for growth for them individually and together.