#confused af

We should all be familiar of Historia’s awful childhood by now - how her own mother never paid any attention to her, and if you’re familiar with the manga, neither did her grandparents.

Is anyone else confused af about dating and marriage, or is it just me?

Speaking as the "boring and weird" nerd girl who has literally never had anything romantic happen to me, with men or women.

When I used to think I was straight, I felt like a failure as a woman and a human being because I "wasn't like other girls." And not in a "pick me" way. If anything, it was the opposite. I just thought if a guy was interested in you, he'd walk up to you, you'd start talking, he'd appreciate you for your personality and then dating happens. I was still freaked out about having to provide sex, though. Because if you're a woman dating a man, eventually you'd have to have sex with him, otherwise he'd think you were a prude and you weren't good enough, even if the mere thought of having sex freaked you out and disgusted you.

And this was before I turned 16 and hook up culture became more of a thing. That grosses me out too.

Well, back to my main point. Literally twice this week, I've heard of one person getting engaged and another one just coming back from their wedding.

Again, maybe I'm the weirdo, but even as a kid, hearing heteronormative stuff about "Oh, one day you'll meet a nice man and you'll get married someday!"

Even as a child, that always baffled me. Why would I want to get married?

Now, again, maybe it's just my inability to connect with others and being emotionally stunted or repressed or whatever. But I never saw myself getting married or being in a relationship? If I really had to think about it and imagine it, I could never see myself in a relationship?

I'm also open to dating women and men. Within recent years I've realised I don't have to be purely straight. Women are pretty too. So I guess I could be biromantic, but I've never seen myself having sex with a woman? Maybe I wouldn't mind it? Also, I've written smut as a fantasy outlet with purely heterosexual pairings, but at the same time I don't think I'd want to have sex irl with a man. Also never desiring to get pregnant, because that grosses me out too. Probably why I'm grateful I've never got that far.

The thought of spawning another being always grossed me out. Also knowing I'd be a shitty parent. I can barely look after myself as a barely functioning womanchild, let alone a mother!!

But yeah, maybe I could want to get married at a certain point? If I ever met a person and got into a relationship long enough, eventually we'd have to get married? Even if it's just for tax benefits. If I really, truly cared about that person and they cared about me, maybe. But at the same time, since I've never actually experienced romantic love or yearning, it still seems really alien to me. Even now in my 30s, I'm so confused about it. Been single my entire life and I'm happy with it. Maybe I'm sad about dying alone at times, but then again I've always been alone. But yeah, why would I want to get married?

Also, I keep getting ghosted by literally everyone. And the last two women I spoke with on the app were probably scams. Also the one lesbian chick who is apparently really clingy and sexual (her words) has ghosted me again.

I just don't get it. And if I never do, that's fine too.