#compulsion notes

i’m leaving tumblr.

i’m doing it because i have spent a lot of time on here on and off for years and what i have loved is how much i’ve created, what i’ve managed, what i’ve proven to myself, and the communities i’ve connected with. i’ve made friendships and learned more about various pop culture and i’ve been so inspired by the art in its various forms. however, this year’s run on here has shown me i am capable of creating consistently. and i wish to apply that to other things in my life as a creative: making music, writing a book, writing a script, editing and crafting videos, performing, etc.

the way i have placed my energy on here has given me hope around the energy i can utilize in striving for greatness. i know that sounds dramatic, but i gave up a lot in the past few years. so, so much. and this honestly feels like the last thing before i fully detach and dive in towards making greater change. i’m going to be on social media a lot less to focus on my growth and what i can make. i’m uberly excited and motivated for what looks like a bright future for me!!! idc if i sound delusional, it feels like it’s already mine.

with all of that being said, i am also using this as an announcement for the end of en avant since that’s the series that’s kept me on here and allowed me to connect with more people. BUT DON’T FRET! i want to give a long, lengthy and proper ending to the fic. so i’m asking if people can send what they would like to see in the ending for the series and the final chapter. if i don’t feel like suggestions fit the ending, plus i already have ideas for it myself, then i’ll be happy to write blurbs!!! tell me what else you would like to see from lip and mdl cause i wanna wrap it up strongly and tie off loose ends for everyone!

while i write the ending, i will also be doing requests, as many as i can. i want to empty my inbox and leave feeling like i didn’t leave too many stones unturned. i do plan to add a little more to compulsion, but en avant is my big focus on wrapping up. so much love to everyone who’s chatted with me, yapped with me, supported me, and read what i’ve put out. i love you all very dearly~ and i’m going to leave my page up! so you can navigate and read the available work to your heart’s desire.

the way i see it, if i ever change my mind in the future, i can always start over or come back. i just need to finally let go of the things that i feel have held me back from my further growth and development as a person in what i perceive to be as my ascension. my manifestation girlies will def get this. it’s not me saying this is a bad thing at all, i just want to see change, so i’m doing something different and stepping out of my comfort zone.

i have written so many arguments throughout the years that it's hard to just choose one... so i'm going to attach a preview of something i've been working on for my carmy fic i have yet to update. hope you enjoy (subject to change as this is part of my ongoing rough draft) thank you for your interest!

Carmen blows rapid breaths out with every crunch of his abdomen, the muscles rippling with a pleasant burn after each rep, his elbows bent at acute angles as he cradles the back of his head using interlaced fingers sitting atop his sweaty, oily curls. The building’s roof cools his slick spine, travels up his neck with a crimson tint and blood circulating warmth. The rising sun highlights his red skin as he chases his goal, opting to efficiently beat his record from last time, to surpass what he managed while perched on his apartment building. Pieces of gravel stick to him, pierce white into his clammy skin as they fall out, but the physical activity remedies this as he continues, hellbent on completing what he needs to start the day and the worse to come.

“Why the fuck do you want to fire her?” Natalie asks in disbelief. She stares at Carmen like he’s stupid for even asking the question. In her eyes, you follow instructions well, you get along with the staff, and you learn more every day as you go. Her brother can’t be serious.

“Because she’s too fuckin’ slow and she’s fuckin’ up our shit,” Carmen replies quickly back, having spent enough time with this idea to have a few answers prepared. Nothing unveiling or revealing. It’s not like he’s lying; you technically do reduce the speed of service rather than increase it.

“Stupid,” Carmen grunts.

if i had gone further, i think i would’ve written him waking up with bed head, hair messy, and a bit disoriented. then everything comes flying back to him all at once as he realizes he’s still tangled up with dove in bed. i think he would try to separate and incidentally wake her and she’d give him a sleepy smile which would lead to morning sex and breakfast together.

he would try his best to wean himself off, but now that the line has been crossed, she makes it harder on him. it’d go from him being unable to resist, and then when he tells himself they shouldn’t be doing this, she teases him more in a public space. which again leads him to giving into those desires.

in doing so, they’d grow closer. he gets jealous easily, scoffs at the idea of her dating anyone else, they have late night chats, discussions of what makes them happy, playing hooky together so they can explore other things outside of work. he has fun. that’s what it is. there are obligations and he forgets himself.

eventually uncle jimmy would catch them. which is BAD but i feel like it’d be at a family event and god is it an implosion. a huge deal. and carmen distances bc he hurts so many people in the process, dove included, because he thinks he ruined everything. but time passes and he can’t stop thinking about her and i think i’d work my way to some kind of endgame.

FINALLY right? took so long to get to it 😭

i think it’s cute and fits the vibe i need. i at first really didn’t know what to put as the main image. i like the blurry doves a lot. cause reader’s a bit evasive from carmen and he won’t let himself have her???

YOUR MIND IS SO BIG!!!!!

because we know the eventual part is that they’re gonna step past those boundaries. and with how much carmen is thinking about it, and an alleged way she is (making some suspense), they def won’t be able to keep their hands off each other.

there’s going to be feelings, but i think their dynamic is a bit complicated. she looks up to him. he’s also part of a family that is technically not hers as a lot of the berzatto links are. there’s this need for approval.

i see it happening whenever she teases him throughout a whole shift; they’re keeping things on the dl for obvious reasons, but that doesn’t mean she won’t graze him when she walks past him.

say things he’s said in their privacy. they lack context and appear innocent, but he knows what she’s doing because it came out of his mouth.

the yearning carmen does for dove 😔 the far off looks, the daydreams, UGH.

i know that’s not everyone’s thing and personally not something i’ve tried.