#comparing yourself

There’s a voice we all carry inside, and it speaks louder than we often realize. It comments on our choices, judges our mistakes, and decides whether we feel proud or ashamed. That voice is shaped by self-esteem—the way we view and value ourselves. It’s not about arrogance or confidence that shouts, but about a quiet, steady belief that we are enough, just as we are. When self-esteem is strong,…

Each of us is as special and impossible to replicated as anyone else on this planet exactly because of the way we are and live.

Everyone of us has a unique way to approach and live life, to experience it, feel it. We all even have different sensibilities. Not to mention the different upbringings, cultures, traditions, experiences we go through. So to compare our life, path, and speed at which we move on it, is simply impossible.

We all have our mission here, our growth to do, and each one of us grows in different ways, and gives a different level of importance to different fields of life. There’s no point in saying that by a certain age we all should have reached a specific goal in our career or romantic lifee.g.... it is only useful to bring people down, while we should only care about ourselves, focus on our own path and on the way to follow it in the best way possible.

There’s no way we can all reach the same goal by the same time, as it’s impossible to blend all colors together and still be able to use them separately.

I was watching Julianne Hough today. She is this bubbly, cute, fit, singer, dancer, producer all in one package. She is successful, gorgeous and she just found out that in order to be successful you got to do it for yourself and not for others love. 

She has that package. That feeling like she has it all. I just ordered acrylic paints and one bottle showed up. I have one big blue bottle of paint. My stomach was acting up so bad so that I constantly got small amougnts of acid up my throat and I was struggling to find reasons to still continue. My body is ...let’s call it a fixer upper and I am in the middle of my hardest stuggle yet. 

Yet...when I was laying here, with a heat pad on my stomach and just tried to figure out where everything just went “wrong” I realized something. I don’t want to be her. I don’t want to be a dancer with a cute body and bubbly persona. I don’t want her life. Nor do I want to be Gabby Reece with this perfect body living in Hawaii and training all the time. 

I remember looking at really old people when I was young and loving all their wrinkles and signs of a life lived. How their eyes was filled with stories and memories and their skin was this map with ridges and valleys flowing all over their body. It was something beautiful about that. I loved fixing old unloved things and bringing them to life yet again. Sanding of that rust and giving it another chance. I never wanted the easy path. I guess I saw beauty in what other percieved as ugly. 

Now it feels like some final test. I am not fixing up something else, I am fixing up myself. If I could see the beauty in others, why couldn’t I see it in myself? It was like I started to break apart, bit by bit, so much so that I couldn’t focus on anyone else anymore. I had to experience myself. Where I was right now, not where I want to be if all goes well but...here. And now. I had meet myself. 

I am a royal mess. But for some reason...I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have built this. I can rebuild and reshape it again. But I still want my story. I still want me. Because somewhere in this mess there is something that I love. That I am proud of. I am one hell of a project but I don’t think I would like it any other way. Because underneath it all, I actually like this. I like my journey. I like...me.