#comingclean

NOAH- “NO!  Matais, stop!”  

Noah sits down on the bench...

MATAIS- (sitting down next to him) “Noah, I am sorry, I shouldn’t have tried that...I am sorry. Please don’t hate me.  I just needed to tell you....”

NOAH- “Matais, please don’t...I don’t hate you.  I could never hate you.  I understand that you needed to tell me, and that is fine.  I can deal with that.  It doesn’t change how I feel about you.  I love you as well, but just not in that way.  You are a brother to me.  A confidant. Someone I trust. Immensely. But I can never be what you want.  I am just not attracted...just not gay....I am sorry.”

MATAIS- “I know...I understand, I do. What I just about did, was wrong, and I am sorry. I am just so confused right now. Erik and I are probably going to end things tonight.  I just finally had to tell you what I wanted to tell you six years ago and never got the chance.”

NOAH- “Matais, listen.  I am fine. This doesn’t change anything. But maybe, just maybe by you finally telling me this you can move on emotionally.  If you want any relationship to work, you need to be fully committed, and by having this out there, you haven’t been able to.  I do love you.  I care about you. I just want you to be happy. But I can never give you what you need. Except my dime store psychology and advise.”

MATAIS- “And you now see why I do love you.  But I understand. Again I am sorry. You are right. You are the only brother I have ever had.  For that I am thankful.”

NOAH- “Good...so we are okay then, right?”

My therapist wasn’t too happy about me getting a girlfriend because he says I haven’t worked though my issues yet. The fact that she’s a really nice person and would be good for me fell on deaf ears. She’s healthy, has a much healthier lifestyle than I do. Although, I’ve done considerably better in the past few months. I’m trying to get my diabetes under control or at least control it better than…

I know I'm just saying this into the void. I know I'm new to this community. I know that I don't have a group to call my own here. But I don't think I'm alone.

I'm scared. I've been dealing with this fear and anxiety for most of my life. I'm trying to work on it, but the more I think about it, the more I'm wondering about all of the underlying stuff. Where it comes from. What's holding me back. Why I can't seem to breakthrough. Why I don't feel quite like I fit anywhere.

I've been different for most of my life. I moved from England to the USA when I was young. I learned how to fit in a few years after I moved. I could hide my accent. But now I'm beginning to wonder if I inadvertently learned to hide something else about myself. Something that I didn't even fully realize until a few years ago, and that I'm struggling to accept.

I've always found people attractive. I told myself I saw the beauty in everyone, regardless of gender. Anyone and everyone could be beautiful. I told myself that seeing the beauty in anyone didn't mean anything weird.

I've only ever been with men. I've found countless women attractive, but that wasn't expected of me, so I just stayed with looking and admiring until I drank. It was only then that I would "get away with" kissing women. And then I could just blame it on the alcohol.

I'm married. I have children. I love my husband, and wouldn't trade him for anything. I find him the most attractive person I've met. But I don't think I'm straight. I know that if I had loved and accepted myself more when I was younger I wouldn't have pigeonholed myself to just dating men.

I don't want to date anyone. I don't want to be with anyone other than my husband. But how can I teach my children to be authentic to themselves of I can't be? If I'm scared?

But if I'm not sure, if I don't know, how can I claim the LGBT+ community as my own? I feel like a poser. I feel like getting to claim to be a party of that community cheapens it. Cheapens these amazing men, women, and others who have fought, and still fight, to be accepted.

How can I tell my husband, my partner, that although I chose him, I haven't ever been fully honest with him? I don't think I'd lose him. He had a family member who is a part of the LGBT+ community. But that doesn't change facts.

I know I wouldn't lose my family. They've always been allies. I have a cousin who is LGBT+. We all love and support her. I know I'd receive the same love and support. But I feel like I've hoodwinked everyone. I've turned into a chameleon. What if no one accepts it because they think I'm just laying claim to something to be a novelty?

For that matter, do I need to say anything out loud? I've managed this long without saying it out loud. I've survived without claiming that descriptor as my own. If I do, and I hurt my family, wouldn't that just be selfish? Would it be better for my family to not say anything? To continue as I always have? But again, my kids. They're too young to understand what it all means. But would they be better off if their mum could proudly claim that descriptor? To live honestly with them? With myself?