Hello, all! Guest writer Bynine here with an article on my favorite game of all time! Despite the immense popularity of this beloved N64 classic, the enemies of Banjo-Kazooie are not something that often comes up in discussion. Well, I'm here to change that!! Or at least, write well too much about some choice picks from the bestiary. Let's go!
Topper
Topper is the first in a small collection of sentient, googly-eyed vegetables that live in Spiral Mountain, where heroes Banjo and Kazooie also reside. Get used to those googly eyes, by the way, because you'll be seeing them a lot. Anywho, I really like the name Topper. You know, like "carrot top"! Great names are another feature of this series.
Bawl
Speaking of which, here's Bawl. Bawl is a fun name! It's hard to say without a southern drawl - bawwwl. Besides that, I don't have much to say about this hopping onion, but I still appreciate you, Bawl.
Colliwobble
The finale of our vegetable trio, and I'll be honest, I've saved the best for last. Sorry, Topper and Bawl, but it's a flying cauliflower called Colliwobble! How can you not love that? It flaps around gently with its big leaves, sustaining flight in a physically improbable yet adorable manner. How come the real thing can't do that, huh? No amount of bourbon roasted, brown butter baked cauliflower can convince me that we didn't get the short end of the stick here.
Gruntlings
The henchmen of the villainous witch Gruntilda, these oafish ogres patrol the halls of her lair, running after Banjo in a stance I'm sure they think is very intimidating.
Or maybe they want a hug? C'mere, big fella.
The most striking thing about Gruntlings to me is their impeccable fashion sense. They come in a variety of colors, and each one has a rakishly charming cloak to match, emblazoned with a fetching skull emblem. Would you mind stretching your arms out, Mr. Black Gruntling?
Thank you. Did Gruntilda coordinate these outfits? I'd believe it - she has a great ensemble herself, replete with a gorgeous purple striped scarf. And this is the same lady who's decorated her entire lair with images of her own face, after all...
Shrapnel
These ornery armaments are in the tragic category of enemies whose only goal in life is to detonate directly next to you. It's fitting then that they're based on a naval mine, but they also (perhaps unintentionally?) resemble sea urchins! How fun!
Normally they look fairly docile, even cute with their little underbite, but when Banjo draws near they growl and do... this. You okay there, buddy?
They're also the only enemies that appear in every Banjo-Kazooie platformer game! Clearly Rare knew they had a winner on their hands. Look at their pretty colors in Banjo Tooie! Look, but don't touch, please. It won't end well for anybody.
Sir Slush
Anyone who's played Banjo-Kazooie will be familiar with these goons. Living snowmen are usually quite jolly, and Sir Slush is no exception, with his consistent and hearty laughter. However, instead of frolicking in the snow, all Sir Slush does is pelt our heroes with snowballs. Rude!
Similar to the platonic ideal of living snowman himself, Frosty the Snowman, the life force of Sir Slush seems to be concentrated in its hat. It's invulnerable to most forms of damage, but if Kazooie strikes its hat at high velocity, it will be blown into icy chunks. Is this a similar principle to the "aim-for-the-head" zombie-killing technique? Are snowmen not merely zombies, extra ice, hold the flesh? Human bodies are 70% water anyway!
Slappa
Another classic bestiary staple, the living hand! Slappa are gargantuan mummified arm-hand combos that pop up without warning from the dusty sands of Gobi's Valley, the requisite desert level of Banjo-Kazooie. True to their name, their main method of attack is a slap, where they simply fall over, crushing anything in their path. The most confusing thing about Slappas is that they have the ability to speak - they laugh if they manage to land a hit, and groan in pain when defeated. How are you talking, Slappa? Do you have a mouth hidden under those bandages? Maybe a whole face?
Artist's interpretation
There also exists a single non-violent Slappa called Grabba, who clutches onto a Jiggy and hides underground with it if you get too close. Should you manage to grab it, they mention having had it for a thousand years, but then congratulate you on your technique. Of all the traits to be assigned to a mummified hand, "sportsmanlike" was not one I was expecting, but I'll gladly take it.
Tee-Hee
Another winner of a name! Tee-Hee! That's great! This design is great too, in my humble opinion. You wouldn't expect a ghost to have such a goblinoid appearance, but Tee-Hee delivers both flavors of common RPG monster at once in an elegant package. Naturally Tee-Hees can phase through walls and are invincible to most attacks, staples of any Game Ghost (TM), and their pursuit is marked with constant laughter. Admittedly their laugh is more of a "mua-ha-ha" than a "tee-hee", but I'm willing to forgive it.
There's also a purple version! This one ignores Banjo and Kazooie entirely, preferring to move around in square patterns. Don't worry, though, it still laughs a lot. What's so funny about squares? Only the purple Tee-Hee knows.
Grimlet
Appearing on a ship known as the Rusty Bucket, Grimlet will disguise themselves as ordinary pipes, only showing their eyes and fangs when Banjo and Kazooie draw near. Despite their metallic appearance, they can stretch their bodies way out to take a bite out of bears and birds alike. You know, I like this design, but I feel like it could be improved somehow. Hmm...
Ooh! The beta version of Grimlet has a really interesting twist- eyes in its own mouth! Of course, any monster is improved when it puts its peepers in its gullet, and Grimlet is no exception. Well, let's keep going!
An even earlier screenshot shows them with white, human eyes... and with a fleshy inner maw... Nope, I don't like this one bit. Abort!
Ahhh... Much better. Now that's a sentient cowl ventilator that I'd let take a chunk out of me. No, I don't have a problem! Quiet, you!
Of course, there are many more denizens of the BK universe worthy of scrutiny - in a universe where even common collectibles will strike up a conversation with you, that's not surprising. In particular, a Banjo-Tooie showcase would be a lot of fun... But I have to stop myself somewhere. Until next time!
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Image by Walt McDougall, accessed at Monster Brains here
[Not all of Walt McDougall’s monsters are fake. I was a little concerned when the first story I read had a Scooby-Doo ending and the second story I read was all a dream (or Was it...?), but this story features genuine magic and monsters. The reason there’s three identical kids in the picture is that our protagonist, Oscar, has learned how to summon his doppelganger out of a mirror, and his doppelganger summons his own doppelganger so he won’t be lonely. Of note is that the colliwobble gets captured and redeemed at the end! Even though it is planning on eating a lot of people! And has spent centuries already doing so! That’s both kind of charming and kind of messed up.]
Colliwobble
CR 6 NE Magical Beast
This creature looks something like a giant weasel with the head of an ape, except that its eyes rise far above its head on long flexible stalks. It has six claws on its forefeet and seven claws on its hind feet.
A colliwobble is a strange omnivore with a taste for both human flesh and riddles. They are somewhat cowardly—they live for thousands of years unmolested, and do not wish to cut that lifespan short—so they typically hunt by ambush and target children, the elderly and other victims less likely to put up a struggle. Colliwobbles cache their prey for lean times, so they keep them anesthetized with a paralyzing gas and save them for later. Part of the reason for this is that they shed their teeth like a deer sheds its antlers, and so must spend at least three months of the year eating softer, preprepared foods (treat a colliwobble with no teeth as if its bite attack dealt 1d6 damage as a secondary natural weapon).
Colliwobbles love riddles, which they learn by quizzing victims in moments of lucidity, reading books, or eavesdropping on conversations. A canny adventurer can wager them riddles for hostages, or use a riddle contest to distract the colliwobble while others affect a rescue. In combat, a colliwobble can fight with its claws and teeth (if it has them), but prefer to open with their paralyzing breath and take the fight right out of their opponents. Colliwobbles typically flee from losing fights or surrender.
A colliwobble is around fifteen feet long, and its eyestalks can stretch an additional 10 feet, allowing it to peer around corners and through cracks with relative ease.
Colliwobble CR 6
XP 2,400
NE Huge magical beast
Init +3; Senses darkvision 60 ft, Perception +15, scent
Defense
AC 18, touch 12, flat-footed 14 (-2 size, +3 Dex, +1 dodge, +6 natural)
hp 60 (8d10+16)
Fort +8, Ref +9, Will +2; +4 vs. bardic performance, language dependent and sonic effects
Defensive Abilities well-versed
Offense
Speed 40 ft., burrow 10 ft.
Melee bite +10 (2d6+4), 2 claws +10 (1d8+4)
Space 15 ft.; Reach 10 ft.
Special Attacks paralyzing breath
Statistics
Str 18, Dex 17, Con 14, Int 18, Wis 11, Cha 13
Base Atk +8; CMB +12; CMD 26 (30 vs. trip)
Feats Alertness, Combat Expertise, Dodge, Stealthy
Skills Climb +13, Escape Artist +5, Knowledge (history, local) +14, Linguistics +10, Perception +15, Sense Motive +8, Stealth +10, Swim +13; Racial Modifiers +4 Perception, +4 Stealth
Languages Common, Sphinx, 6 others
SQ bardic knowledge
Ecology
Environment temperate mountains and hills
Organization solitary or pair
Treasure standard
Special Abilities
Bardic Knowledge (Ex) A colliwobble gains a bonus to all Knowledge checks equal to ½ its Hit Dice (+4 for the usual specimen), and can make all Knowledge checks untrained.
Paralyzing Breath (Ex) As a standard action three times a day, a colliwobble can breath paralyzing gas in a 30 foot cone. All creatures caught in the cone must succeed a DC 16 Fortitude save or be paralyzed for 1 round. At the end of the round, creatures must succeed a DC 16 Fortitude save or be paralyzed for 1 minute. At the end of that minute, creatures must succeed a DC 16 Fortitude save or be paralyzed for 1 day. A colliwobble must wait 1d4 rounds between uses of this ability. The save DC is Constitution based.
Well-Versed (Ex) A colliwobble gains a +4 bonus on all saving throws against bardic performances, sonic or language-dependent effects.
