itâs finally happened, youâve hit rock bottom. your worst fear has come true
the decision is out: âwe regret to inform youâ and everything else is a blur. your world: shattered. ever know what it feels like to have your world shattered?
breathing? gone. sense of awareness? gone. one full, fledged, panic state. evething you have ever thought of, every single ounce of hope pent up in the last 6 months are useless. it ends here. what you thought were your dreams, ended here. your cheeks turn red, your feet turn cold, you canât hear anything around you. the people there for you are trying to say things, are trying to hug you, all you see is gray pain. just... pain.
you question if youâre good enough for anything you want in this life. leaving your fate in the hands of the more powerful while you sit there for months drowning in what seems to be your optimism. iâm sorry, itâs the only thing that gets me to sleep at night, the only thing that keeps me grounded. cover your face and duck down because the uncertainty of getting accepted is too great.
there arenât enough stories about anxiety and persevering, there arenât enough âmy family has been in povertiesâ, there arenât enough âi couldnât afford an SAT tutorsâ âhereâs why i got this grade please reconsidersâ there arenât enough sad stories to tack onto your back for everyone to see to at least get deferred? God forbid accepted? at the end of the day you wonder if anyone knows or wonders youâre good enough? how is the institution youâve been pouring your heart into for the past 4 years telling you youâre not good enough for them and youâre still supposed to think youâre good enough for yourself?
iâm not sure if youâve ever felt this kind of pain before but i just know one day itâs all going to subside. pain doesnât go away: it numbs overtime but the question is how long do i have to wait until it does?
one day weâre gonna be okay. one day weâll go to college in the fall and realize âmaybe i belong here insteadâ youâre not going to have the biggest name brand of the century, youâre not going to have internships pouring at your door, your school will not be on the news, people will not be asking you for future connections from all kinds of countries, maybe your school doesnât have as many resources, maybe the presidentâs kid didnât go to your school, maybe your teacher doesnât have a ph.d, maybe your school isnât ranked top 5!! MAYBE it doesnât matter? life is only miserable when you ignore every other factor besides the unrealistic expectations youâve set for yourself.
maybe you have to work harder for what you want in life: and iâm talking big picture. maybe life turned out that way because life knew you could handle it.
youâre gonna be okay. i canât promise youâll be great, i canât promise itâll be easy. but youâve made it this far and that means you can keep going, one step at a time âš
along with getting denied from my dream school, i got denied to 3 others today... i donât feel great. actually, i feel disgusting. i probably wonât be online so much this weekend i just need time to reset. however, i have gotten into some wonderful schools that i think i belong in even more :) love, nonso
