what doesn't kill you makes you focus on 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste..
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Being-in-the-World as Ontological Understanding: A Confluence of Heidegger, Buddhism, Stoicism, Neuroscience, and Psychology
Martin Heidegger’s profound exploration of Dasein in Sein und Zeit (Being and Time) revolutionised the understanding of existence by presenting Being-in-the-world (In-der-Welt-sein) not as a static state but as an active, interpretative engagement with reality.
At the core of this concept is understanding (Verstehen), which Heidegger asserts is not merely cognitive but ontological—an integral…
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Trigger warning for: Discussions of sad things in therapy.
Prompt: Trauma
Summary: Dr. Grey offers a new type of treatment for Caboose, but she has no clue what lurks in his mind. She just hopes she can help him.
—
“I want Caboose to try therapy.”
“Huh?” Washington looked over to Dr. Grey, a brow raised in confusion. “Therapy? Isn’t that what he’s doing now?”
“No,” She said with a little giggle. “That is gene therapy he’s getting. No, this is different. Talk therapy, if you will.” She watched Washington puff up in response, looking quite alarmed by the very concept. She steepled her hands together and leaned forward against her desk. “The kind where you talk about your problems, and I’ll help you feel better and learn how to cope with your traumas.”
“The councilor-” Washington started to speak, before she cut him off before he could start to panic.
“No, like like that. That was a sociopath. This is proper therapy. By the looks of it, it’s something you should try out too.” She glided her chair over to one of her file cabinets, opening one of the drawers and rooting around inside. She found a slim little pamphlet, taking it out and back to her desk. She handed it over to Wash, watching his face make about three different emotions at once as he took it. He glanced over the pamphlet, that had [COGNITIVE THERAPY AND YOU!] stamped across in bold letters.
“No offense, but I don’t feel ready to let people dig into my head just yet.” He groused. He sighed and sat back in his chair and began to fiddle with the paper in his hands. A habit Emily noticed that many of the troopers seemed to have. Perhaps it was because there was no gun in his hands, not having an equalizer is bound to make most people nervous once they got used to having them.
She hrmed in response. “Therapy is not effective unless the person wants it. So no, I’m not going to drag you kicking and screaming into my office to make you talk. But if you feel ready for it, I’ll be here.”
Washington sighed, tapping his foot as he lifted his head to rest the back against the wall. “Why Caboose though? Hasn’t he been through enough already?”
“Why, do you think Caboose doesn’t need therapy?” Emily raised a brow, watching Washington’s reaction. He brought his head back down to stare at his feet, and sighed. She continued to talk, haven gotten Wash’s unspoken confirmation. “I have his file. I spoke with his sister about this. You told me yourself that he doesn’t know who he is or where he is sometimes. You cannot ignore the fact that he is is an augmented super soldier with obvious signs of post traumatic stress disorder. For his safety, as well as for everyone else, I highly recommend therapy.”
“I don’t know if he’d like the idea or not…” Wash leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “He already doesn’t like having to come here for his shots, let alone having to spend even more time here. He just got put back together again from what Felix did, I’m sure he’s sick of the place. I know I would be. I don’t know what you’ll say to get him to agree to give it a try.”
“Oh that’s easy,” Emily grinned. “After you tell him about it, mention that he gets double the cupcakes.”
“Really?” Wash frowned at her. “You really think that cupcakes are going to make Caboose, the one with medical trauma, willingly stay in a hospital for longer than he has in order to not die.”
“You think so? I bet you fifty dollars that says otherwise.” Some would say that she was cheating, but hey, she earned those doctorates in both medicine and psychology. She’ll take all the advantages that she could get, including outright bribery.
“Fine, you’re on.” Wash stood up to leave, it was about time Caboose would be done with his post-treatment nap when he could be picked up and taken home. “I’m telling you, it’s never going to work.”
—
Emily sat at her desk, fifty dollars richer and watching a very happy super soldier carefully eat a cupcake on her new couch. She had to get a completely new couch to order to let him relax more comfortably. It’s wasn’t that hard, seeing that there was so much junk steel left over from the war. It just took some welding and casting and a bunch of cushions and blankets to have something both cozy and least likely to outright collapse. Anything for one of Chorus’s saviors, after all.
He hummed happily as he ate the cupcake down to a picked clean wrapper, and then folded said wrapper into a heart. “Thanks!” He chirped, putting the heart in one of his armor pockets. Emily had noticed that he was looking a lot more alert and bright eyed lately, something she was glad to see. It meant he was staying more in reality instead of slipping somewhere else, and most likely... unpleasant.
“You’re welcome Michael!” the smile came easy to her, his happiness tended to infect others around him. “I’m glad you agreed to come and talk to me. It’s a big decision.”
“Well uhhhhh.” He folded his hands on his lap and tilted his head from side to side, like a metronome as he thought about what to say. “Indy said that she tried it and it helped so it might help me to not have bad dreams and getting spooked.”
“It can help with that, yes. But it’s up to you what we talk about. If you feel uncomfortable, you can change the subject at anytime, okay?” She had already gone over patient rights earlier, but she wanted to be very sure that he understood that this was therapy, not a torture session.
He nodded with a smile. “Yes! I know! I do not like talking about sad things though…”
“That’s okay, we can work up to that if you like. So, how about you start by telling me about your day so far and how you are feeling?”
She sat and listened for a full hour as Caboose described in great detail how he was doing, taking notes off to the side. Retirement had given the soldier a lot of stability, especially since his friends stayed with him to provide support. He was responding well to his treatments. He had his casts taken off recently so he was happy to scratch all the itches. Overall he seemed rather happy, but she read his file. She heard what his sister and his guardian had told her. She’s seen how he reacted to needles and basic medical equipment. Pain was lurking just under the surface, but that was okay. He’ll talk about it in time.
She just needed to be patient.
—
Four sessions in, Caboose finally talked about something negative.
“I um, had a miss match again.” he admitted, noticeably more subdued and quiet than his normal, bouncy self. It was quite the change and Grey paid close attention.
“A miss match? What is that?” she asked, wanting to hear his definition. She kind of suspected what it was, but she wanted to be sure.
“It’s when I think someone is someone else, or that I’m someplace not where I am now.” he explained. “Sometimes I think I’m still in school, or that I have a test, or that I’m in trouble for something. I don’t like them, they make me and my friends sad.” He fiddled with his fingers, eyes downcast to look at his boots.
“I see, what happened this time?” She asked, ready to record what he told her.
“I thought that Tucker was Echo. Echo is my sister who went out to explore and went to MIA and I miss her. And then um….I thought Washingtub was one of my teachers and then I got scared cause I thought he was going to put her in detention and do mean stuff.” He fiddled harder, biting his lips and taking a short pause before he spoke again. “So I took Tucker and ran away and hid with him until I remember that he was Tucker, not Echo. And everyone got sad and then I got sad and then I took a nap and woke up with a headache.”
So he had an intensive flashback and the increased stress triggered a seizures, she thought. The next thought she vocalized. “How did that make you feel?”
“I was sad,” he sighed. “I remembered this one. Wash was sad cause he said he’d never ever hurt me and I thought he would cause I didn’t remember who he was. Tucker was sad because he said he tried to make me remember sooner but it didn’t work. I made everyone sad because they had to look for me and tell me that Tucker wasn’t my sister and that they weren’t teachers. Then I took a nap and made them have to carry me back to tuck me in. I don’t like making my friends sad because I love them and you don’t make people you love sad.”
She took a moment to finish her notes and process what she was going to say next. She felt bad for the poor soldier, but she knew she had to nip one specific thing in the bud before it could take root in his mind.
“They aren’t sad because of you, Michael.” She said gently. “They are sad because you get trapped in your head, and they don’t have a way to help you. When you love someone, you accept them fully. That means accepting their pain and their hurts. When you hurt, they hurt too, because it’s impossible not to when you care about someone. Would you be sad if Tucker had a bad dream and was scared as a result?”
“Yes,” he raise his head up to look her in the eyes. “Because Tucker is my friend and I don’t want him to be scared. It’s not nice to be scared.”
“But did you cause Tucker to have a bad dream and get scared?”
He thought for a moment, mulling over her words in his mind before he finally spoke again, words a little quiet and hushed. “No, I didn’t.”
“That’s how everyone feels about you, Michael. They feel sad when you are sad and that is normal. It’s just what love is, and you have a great big heart full of it. So don’t blame yourself when you have times when you get mixed up. Just accept that they care about you, after all, they wouldn’t have stayed if they didn’t.”
The rest of the session consisted of Caboose quietly weeping, but when he left after the hour was over, Grey swore he walked a little lighter than when he first came in.
—
The next few session went as normal as they could be. Caboose was talking about random things that were happening on Iris, one of them in particular involved one of his friends.
“Simmons got a letter from his mom,” Caboose said. “She was mad at him.”
“Why was she mad?” Grey leaned back in her chair and adjusted her glasses. “Did he tell you why?”
“It’s cause he and Grif are going to get married and Simmons said that she is mean and doesn’t like it that Grif is Grif and everyone called her a ‘ B I T C H ‘.” He spelled out the last part in a quiet voice, as though he would get into trouble if overheard.
“Oh, so she doesn’t like that her son is marrying a man? Is that right?” She blinked a couple times, such thinking was quite outdated nowadays.
“I think so, and well...I wondered…” Caboose suddenly got very interested in his boots, staring down and not looking her in the eyes. “Is that why I don’t have a mom? Cause moms are mean and she didn’t want me?”
Well, that was quite a conclusion to jump to. “Oh no, no. Plenty of moms are very nice. My mother is very kind and I still talk to her often. Not all of them are mean.”
“I guess mine was mean then?” he frowned deeply and started to chew on the ends of his gloves. “Cause I never had one, so that must mean she really didn’t like me.”
She wondered how much classified information she could divulge, but decided to say ‘fuck it’ and just tell him what she knew. “No, I’m sure your mother would have loved you very much. She died during the war, and you were left an orphan. That’s why you and your sisters were taken into the SPARTAN program.”
He thought for a few seconds, still chewing on his fingers, before he spoke again. “So if Simmon’s mom dies, does that mean he gets to be my brother?”
The rest of the session was spent making it very clear that no, killing someone’s mother does NOT mean you get to claim their children as siblings, no matter how much you want to.
—
Dr. Grey knew something was very wrong when he didn’t touch his cupcake.
He just laid down on the couch and stared at it, shivering as he curled up on himself. He said nothing. He did nothing. He just laid there, looking as though he was trying to keep a dam from breaking within and flooding the world with it.
She stayed patient, quiet. She wanted her office to be warm and inviting, and if he just wanted to rest here for his session, she was fine with it. But she was very concerned.
“Michael, can you tell me how you are feeling right now?” she asked quietly after around 30 minutes of silence.
He shuddered for a moment, blinking his eyes before he turned his gaze to her. She looked back, and saw such immense suffering and pain that she nearly forgot where she was.
“I remember.” he whispered in a haunted voice.
“Remember what?” she leaned forward, trying her best to hear him. “Can you tell me, Michael?”
He let out a short whimper and hid his head. “O’Malley.” He choked out, and spoke no more for the rest of the session. Wash had to come in at the end and help him out, the haunted look never leaving his face.
He did not return for the next two sessions.
—
Grey was happy to see Caboose in a good mood today. Their sessions had their ups and downs over the months, but she was slowly seeing a positive change in her patient.
“I got my last shot today!” He announced, voice loud with joy. “We are having a party!”
“I’m glad!” She couldn’t help but grin, proud of him for sticking with the treatment, and a little pride for herself for being able to help him. “I’m proud of you. They were scary for you but you stuck with it! How do you feel?”
“Better!” He rocked back and forth on the couch, unable to sit still at all. “I don’t get so many headaches now! Agent Washingtub said that I haven’t had an unscheduled nap in a long time! So that’s why we are having cake and we are all going to watch all the Shrek movies!”
“That sounds exciting, is everyone going to be there?”
“Yeah! A couple of my sisters won’t be able to come cause they got busy work to do. My sister Juliet has new babies on her farm so now I have to come up with names for them all and she can’t leave cause she has to bottle feed some. It’s important work.” He grinned and leaned back on the couch. “I’m very happy!”
“It’s good to be happy, you seem happier these days.” Grey pointed at him with her pen with a smile. “It’s something I like to see, lets keep going, shall we?”
He nodded, his smile like the sun.
—
Grey scanned her key-card before heading to the waiting room. It was time for Caboose’s session, and she needed to go and fetch him. She nearly dropped her coffee in surprise when she saw not only him, but all the troopers and freelancers occupying the chairs.
“Hello! Can I help you all?” She was a bit confused, wondering if they were all here for Caboose’s sake, or someone got ventilated with bullets again. A medical emergency was not something she was down to tangle with today, unless it was an interesting one, of course.
“Well…” It was Simmons who spoke first, rubbing the back of his head as he built up the courage to speak. “We saw how Caboose was doing…”
“Which is great, cause he isn’t forcing cuddle sessions on us so much anymore.” Tucker added.
Wash just pointed at Caboose, who was quite literally vibrating in his chair in joy.
“Soooooooooooo, we were wondering if well, you had spots in your schedule free for additional patients?” Donut asked hopefully.
Grey blinked, and then she smiled, relieved and somewhat impressed.
“I think I have some spots open, let me get my planner.”
—
And so we end the month long challenge with the last chapter as a message of hope. Therapy helps, it helps so much. I can function today because of it and I wish it was more available in my country (USA). If you can, I highly recommend it. It can change your life for the better.
Now lets get the troopers and freelancers to therapy too!
Special thanks to those who took the time to comment and say hi. It really helped keep me motivated to keep working hard to write this all for you. I'm so glad people enjoyed it. I just hope I can continue to provide FEELS for a while. Special thanks too for @smilysstuff who gave me so many ideas for chapters, your help was greatly appreciated :,3
