Last week I skipped both of the pilates classes I was planning to attend, and this week has been busy so I didn't have any scheduled. I've had increasing back pain and know I need to do something about it so I signed up for a membership but just leaving the house is hard. But exercising at home is also hard. I'm waitlisted for 3 classes next week and low enough on the list for two of them that I think I'll get in. Must go.

Have also been putting off writing. For November I decided instead of doing nanowrimo I'd do a "write every day" challenge to build consistency, because that's my biggest struggle. I wrote every day for the first week, then didn't for five whole days. I just get so in my head and create this big obstacle and end up avoiding it. I do it with work tasks, too, but with work there's other people who need things from me so after avoiding tasks and building them up in my head I have to actually do them. But when it's "just" writing ("just" the thing I care most about and want to make a career out of) I can avoid and avoid and avoid and break my own heart by never showing up for myself.

^ Hey clearly I've been feeling sad lately. I'm really in my head and down on myself. When I talk with a friend I only want to hear what's going on with them and when they're like "so what's going on in your life" i'm like noooope. It feels like there is nothing fun or interesting to talk about, it's all just "I wish I was doing more of X but I'm not" about every single thing (getting out of the house for activities, exercising, writing, seeing friends) and the worse I feel about myself the harder it is to do those things.

I had my annual exam and pap yesterday and had the usual cramping afterwards but decided since I had 2.5 days' worth of sick time left that goes away at the end of the year I'd take the day. I vacuumed and started randomly crying during. Played ukulele and cried. Crocheted and cried. Not sure what's wrong with me but I just do not have any emotional bandwidth right now.

Earlier this week I made chicken and green chile enchiladas. I thought they were meh but Ken really liked them, and I love when he enjoys something I cooked.

I tried to make salt rising bread last weekend. It's a pretty unique bread that I wanna say is Appalachian but I'm not actually sure. It's similar to sourdough in that you don't add yeast, it's leavened by naturally occurring bacteria. But the flavor and texture is wildly different than sourdough. Making it is tricky. It basically needs to be kept at 100deg F for ~36 hours from starting the starter to getting the loaves in the oven. Our oven, turned off but with the light on, only holds low- to mid-90s, so I'd turn it on for 5-10 seconds at a time every 2-3 hours. Timers set to wake up in the middle of the night and do that. I ended up with something bread-like but it was not right. The texture was close - very dense. But the flavor wasn't right. The worst part about making this bread is it STINKS while making. You make a liquid starter where you get the bacteria going, then make a more-solid sponge (pancake batter consistency ish), then add more flour and shortening to make the actual dough, and when the starter gets going it reeks of dirty socks and bad cheese and, in my opinion, unwashed genitalia. The stink only intensifies throughout the sponge stage, and the dough stinks when it goes in the oven but the bread smells good coming out, and tastes good. Well, my attempt didn't really taste good, but when we used to have it when I was a child it did. Ken couldn't smell it. Meanwhile, I was nauseated all weekend from the odor. We got a sous vide to create a water bath of the right temperature for the next attempt, and I might need to wear an N95 or something.

My book club is doing a lil retreat this weekend. Most people are going down today but a few of us are going down tomorrow. I'm leaving work at 3 to drive down, and we'll read and hang out and make s'mores and crochet/knit/embroider. I love my book club girlies but we don't really live that close to each other and rarely get together in person, so this should be a really nice weekend. We're doing a powerpoint "game" where everyone gives a powerpoint presentation about a topic of interest. Mine is on women's elite cross-country mountain biking (defining what that specific sub-category is and then introducing the main racers and all the reasons I like or dislike them). We're also doing a "three favorite things" activity where everyone brings three of their favorite things under ~$15 each, and then we go around and pick/trade to share our favorite things with each other.

WL: YES! I agree! Fandom is just people connected by passion.

DL: Absolutely! And I think something really unique that you've done with The Wolfstar Librarian is encouraging others' passion as well.

WL: I was not prepared to feel this soft! 🥺

DL: Sorry, not sorry! Lol. I think something that's very unique to your blog specifically is the way that you are always giving "new" recs. A lot of the recs are ones that I haven't read before and I think that's very encouraging to authors and creators to keep writing and creating. It's not the same old "classics" over and over. That’s something I’ve tried to emulate on my own blog as well. I search for a mix of old and new fics.

WL: Oh yes, I'm always on the hunt for new fics. I check @ao3feed-wolfstar at least once a week and go through all of the new fics, picking out things I think I might want to read, and even when searching for lost fics I oftentimes end up adding a dozen new fics to be TBR list. I'm fascinated with the new, and am always looking for fresh takes on old tropes. Of course I also have tons of subscriptions for my favorite authors, but just like with food, I have comfort items I know I'll like but then I also enjoy new things just as much.

DL: Out of curiosity, how long is your TBR list?

WL: (after a significant pause) Oh goodness, I had to check. It’s currently 15 pages long and at 20 fics a page…

DL: Hold on, I’ll pull up a calculator. Um...300. So as many rec lists as you’ve made. You mentioned comfort items. What are some of your favorite tropes?

WL: Oh my goodness, yeah I hadn't done the math! 😂 I think what I find the most comfort in are things I can relate to the most? So lots of modern AUs with happy endings, and I'm also a sucker for soulmate or a good texting fic since they tend to include some fun humor that I can use as a counterpoint to real life.

DL: I love modern AUs!

WL: Me too! And fix-it AUs. JKR did them dirty 😉

DL: Who hasn’t JKR done dirty? Lol. Okay, and do you want to spill some tea? What are your pet peeves in a fic? The things that make you immediately click that red x and think "not for me". To be clear, I’m not saying things that you think are wrong — we’re not making any moral judgment here! Just your specific pet peeves that irritate you personally.

WL: The first thing isn’t so much a pet peeve as something I get asked a lot and feel bad about. The question I get asked the most is "how do I get rec'd on WL", and it just makes it clear how infrequently people read the pinned FAQ, where I encourage people to send in recs. Probably 4/5 people who send in their own fics as a rec actually end up on a list, but so few people do! So just remember that the Librarian is just one person who can easily miss a lot of things, but genuinely wants to read and share lovely fics. But actual pet peeves? I definitely can't handle MCD, or anything that's too dark just because it takes my mental health somewhere I don't want to go. I also tend not to like....imbalanced relationships? I know that's vague, but anytime there isn't mutual respect, it just feels weird and unnatural to me so I tend to just click out. Also, I need fairly standard formatting. I've seen a few posts about it, and it's definitely true that my brain struggles to read anything written outside of standard formatting (correct punctuation and capitalization). It's not even a judgement, just something like math where my brain goes "no thank you!" 😰

DL: That's definitely something that makes me hit the red x too. And I know what you mean about lack of mutual respect. I think that there's stories about relationships where someone makes a mistake and with work and apologies, they can come back from that and still have a solid relationship but there's other's where one person just completely disregards and breaks any trust or respect that they've built in the relationship and an apology can't fix that. It's a fighting together/fighting each other kind of thing. And I think that's an interesting point you bring up because I feel like with Drarry, Harry and Draco are set up to be adversaries and part of the story is them overcoming it. But that's not really part of Sirius and Remus' story.

WL: Yes, exactly! And I definitely read fanfic for comfort, for romance, and I feel like you can't have true love without mutual respect, without equality. Of COURSE that can take time and work to get to sometimes, but as long as they end up on the same page, I'm game. 😊

DL: Exactly. And again, I just want to say that it doesn't mean we think those fics are inherently bad or anything. It's just our personal preferences as readers. So, it's obvious that I also read Wolfstar in addition to Drarry. Do you ever read Drarry?

WL: Honestly, I rarely read outside of wolfstar, but sometimes I do read Drarry because it's so much bigger and tends to cover a wider variety of stories. I also read Dorlene, Jegulus, Jegulily, and a host of other smaller ships like Fleur/Tonks that end up in wolfstar fics.

DL: Can I put you on the spot and have you give us a Drarry rec?

WL: My favorite one is actually one you rec'd! It's the Christmas one that's just SO soft I can't help but read it each year as the weather gets cooler.

DL: Ohhhh! The Christmas Tree by @cottonpadenthusiast. I love that one! It’s a Drarry + Remus/Sirius get together! Just a sweet, happy family dynamic.

WL: Yes! It's half wolfstar, half drarry, and totally sweet.

DL: With families....we often joke in private that you and I have "sibling" blogs. Did you ever mind that I joined you in being a librarian?

WL: Oh, of COURSE not! Running a rec blog like this is so much work, there's no way I could do more than one, and I truly love having you, and other rec blogs, because they inspire me so much! I love finding new fics, new ways to share content, and new people to share with. Rec blogs inspired me to make my own, and hopefully I inspire people to find their own style as well!

DL: That's definitely something I've tried to do as your "little sibling" blog. I feel very lucky to have such a cool "older sibling" and mentor librarian that I can always come and ask a question or advice from, but I've tried to be thoughtful in making it my own too, with my Happy Hours and stuff. And I try to be mindful as well that I'm not copying exactly what another Drarry rec blogger does either. We all get our own niche, and I think that makes the recs we give more rich. And in true younger sibling fashion, I started my blog because I saw you doing it and thought it was such a neat idea that I wanted to join you. What made you start your library?

WL: When I first made the library, and imagined what I wanted it to be, I wanted more than anything for the library to be a place that I had searched for when I was new to fandom. I was so desperate for someone to show me fics for my exact mood, or comfort tropes, or just introduce me to something new the way librarians have done all my life. With this blog, the library, I'm trying to provide that comfort, that answer that we're all seeking. Hopefully, other people find the same relief and comfort here that an old wood lined library, full of wonder and hope, offers them in real life as well.

DL: Oh, now you’ve made ME soft. I think that’s such a lovely statement that we’ll wrap it up there. Do you think people are going to judge us because neither of us can do math?