I found this pic and I loved it so much at first because I feel the same way. I've always been either thrown away or rejected in general and it feels so damn good when someone actually puts effort in!
But that word, "clingy..."
I am more than aware that the author meant no harm but I wanna get into that word a little bit because it makes my skin crawl to be brutally honest. Best to know what signs to look for if you ever encounter it because it's affection and attention you want, not clinginess. Let's find out why.
While the author is not advocating for anything unhealthy, clingy behavior within itself certainly does.
Clinginess is defined as the act of resisting separation by tightly grasping onto something. This is not known to be a benefit in relationships. There is a huge difference between you both putting the work in to stay together versus one person putting 100% of the effort in, in order to prove themselves.
In our relationships, this causes issues because as we get into it, we will see how being clingy is actually being controlling with an anxious attachment style.
Sad part is, clingy people are amongst those that can't see themselves. They are not aware of how they're coming off when they engage in such behavior(s).
Lets get into the detail. There are four attachment styles.
1.) Secure (an ability to build healthy, long-lasting relationships).
2.) Avoidant (failure to build long-term relationships due to an inability to engage in physical and emotional intimacy).
3.) Disorganized (having extremely inconsistent behavior and difficulty trusting others).
4.) Anxious (insecure attachment characterized by fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, depending on the significant other for validation and emotional regulation; codependent tendencies too).
So, which came first, the chicken or the egg? The clinginess or the anxious attachment? 🤔
Attachment styles will often reveal the premise of our upbringing. They are formed when we're babies, based on the emotional attachments we had with our primary caregivers. And yes, they absolutely impact our interpersonal relationships in adulthood, it's what we're exploring in this blog!
For example, people with healthy upbringings will have a secure attachment style, honoring independence for the sake of functioning effectively as a person in society. People with unhealthy upbringings may have an anxious attachment style, wrongly interpreting independence as a lack of connection with someone.
See where the problem is? And keeping in mind, this is in reference to people who don't work on themselves.
A couple's therapist stated, "Clingy behavior comes from a person's desire to fulfill their unmet needs, whether it be emotional, spiritual, physical, or mental. The person is experiencing fear and anxiety that is attached to a belief that they won't get their needs met, so they cling hard to a person to prevent this from happening."
So, if you're anything like me, you're wondering where the line gets drawn or if there is a line at all.
I mean, don't we all want our needs to be met, isn't that normal and common? Yup! Does this alone make us clingy and controlling? Nope!
There is a line that gets drawn. In my view, that line is drawn at emotional immaturity.
Emotional immaturity is a person's inability to regulate their emotions in an age-appropriate way. There is a severe lack of self-awareness in emotionally immature individuals and they can overreact quite frequently. I think this very element enables clingy mindsets and behaviors.
None of us are perfect. However, the goal here is to bring light to the fact that we can't put unrealistic expectations and standards on our significant others because that just paves the way to disappointment, resentment, maybe even burnout or breaking up depending on how severe it is. We need to regulate our own emotions. That's no one else's job. Asking for help is one thing, using a human being as a crutch is another.
I have a list of behaviors here that are categorized as "clingy:"
*needing constant reassurance and/or affirmation, the amount of which is discernable as excessive
*has no hobbies, nothing else to focus on, although they seemingly have made a hobby out of throwing pity parties every time someone suggests taking charge of their life/feelings in some way
*intense and disruptive jealousy, this type causes frequent fights and embarassment
*reaching out excessively, expecting constant communication and interaction although it's an indirect communication of needs, often resulting in mixed signals and manipulation
*expecting immediate responses, conflict and possibly accusation(s) if not
*refuses or makes excuses out of giving you personal space/personal time
*needing to spend every moment with you, often accompanied by following you around
*possessiveness to the point of discomfort and potential isolation from others - they have a tendency to feel insecure around the people in your life and will attempt to pull you away
*stalks you on social media, monitoring all activity and every conversation; above average amount of notifications, often causing them to be the only person you see when you log-in to check them
*hypervigilance and surveillance in multiple areas of life
*you notice yourself remaining completely aware of your significant other's mood, but it's draining and often at the cost of your own contentment - especially since they often withdraw to induce guilt
Some things that make a person controlling include gaslighting, playing the blame-game, constantly criticizing/judging, insecurity they don't work on but make decisions from, causing you isolation, guilt-tripping, enabling one's own emotional instability, passive-aggression from dissatisfaction, often using the silent treatment as a response, consistent moodiness, and micromanaging.
Clingy people engage in these types of things but it's often overlooked as controlling because it's not outwardly aggressive, like loud verbal threats and physical abuse.
Passive or aggressive, it is still the act of manipulating someone to conform to only their wants and needs in an attempt to control everything around them. Don't use the word "clingy" loosely. Know the differences; seek and demand something healthy and wholesome.
Before I conclude, let's let these two duke it out for a sec. Aaannnddd FIGHT!
Affection: 1, Clinginess: 0
Affection: Expresses desire and love in a healthy and respectful way that leaves you feeling excited and comforted.
Clinginess: Excessive and draining pleas for attention and validation that robs you of the ability to maintain other areas and relationships (family&friends) in life.
Affection: 2, Clinginess: 0
We have a clear winner here! 🏆
Side note: May all of us that have never been loved right find happiness someday.
