#classreunion

Forty years ago, with the scent of old wood and nervous excitement in the air, we walked across the stage in the old gym to begin our adult lives. Some of us went straight to work, others started college, and some were just trying to figure it out as we went along. Today, we are the ones who look back with fond memories and say, “those were the good old days.” The music of the 1980s has made a…

Nope. I was purposefully excluded from activities I wanted to be apart of as a teenager and all I wanted at that stage in my life, from 15 to 18 years old, was to belong or feel identified to a group with similar aspirations. I felt like an outcast.

A former friend, told everyone I was going to file a restraining order on a guy friend because she saw the restraining order papers in my binder in class. Mind you these were given to me by the administrators at school. Where was I supposed to keep them? I eventually didn't because my mom told me not to and I too felt they were unnecessary. It was too late. The same week, that former friend told everyone in our group that I had filed a restraining order. I still had the blank papers. The guy friend eventually moved schools and I was blamed, that he left because of me. I was called a b*tch, a c*nt. I lost the friendship of the entire group. I became more reclusive and independent and didn't want to form new friendships bc i feared I would be pointed at.

In sophomore year, I called a girl a 'female dog' because I felt she only cared about people who had money from their parents. She'd talk more to the people who had cash on them and I didn't have any money and I would try to have a conversation with her but she didn't seem interested. I felt disrespected so i called her a female dog online. I always wanted to buy the snacks from the little store the school had, so I sat in front of it watching every one else buy the ice carbonated drinks. Calling her a 'female dog' (or in other words a 'b*tch) was enough for her to make everyone from the popular group, feel empathy for her and make them hate me.

The pretty girl from the 'popular group' with the most beautiful, curly hair, once mocked the way I presented an assignment in front of the class. I remembered my poem word for word so i didnt undertsand what her deal was. I felt good because English is my second language, I didn't stutter and didn't need a piece of paper to look at to remember what to say next. Guess what? The pretty girl; stuttered, used an index card in front of the class and apologized after every sentenced and shook nervously. I understood that. I understood her nervousness but I never understood her annoyance towards me. I wanted to call her out during class but I restrained myself the best I could and didn't say a word.

In one my favorite classes, which was choir, after the choir concert in the new gymnasium, a very tall dark haired guy kept getting infront of me to prevent me from helping tear the stage down. I was so eager to help and when my dad saw what was going on, annoyed, he told me to stop and leave so we could go home. He hated to see me be ignored by others.

I told the choir director, hey so this is what's going on. She said, along the words of 'you'd have to pay me to listen to you' (not word for word, but along the lines) I didn't feel like she believed me. I was heartbroken, I loved her so much, couldn't believe that she didn't believe me. I always wanted to do anything and everything for her and be there for her but I didn't know why, but the other kids were always with her so I felt my need to be there for her wasn't necessary.

Eventually, the ones who made me feel good in school were Angie, Alyssa and Elizabeth. I was never belittled for being too quirky and unpredictable with my words. They didn't exclude me. I felt like I had a connection, a coherent, human connection with them. They never made me feel crazy for loving Pokemon, for being into the Backstreet Boys, for moving theatrically. I could be myself with them. Unapologetically me. I will always respect and admire Delta because she never made any facial expressions towards me that would make me feel pushed away like a 'mean-mug' or annoyed look. I also loved her confidence, she stood on business since day one when I met her back then in choir. She was always herself and I've always loved and admired that about her.

Now, I'm 28 but reliving all of these memories is like digging up bones and the knot in my throat is heavy. I barely spoke with anyone else. I was afraid to talk. I was afraid of showing my true self to the rest. I was afraid of being myself. Just like I had mentioned above in a different situation, I don't find it necessary to be there and no one really needs to see me again. I don't think of myself as important. I only wish everyone from the class the best that life has to give.

For a school that campaigned so hard against bullying, they sure did a fantastic job at preventing it. If you made it to this point, thank you for reading and i hope that you never felt excluded. You matter and you will always matter to someone, either close or from far away.