#class of 2018

1st Year

Freshman year, I started my college career in August 2014, at UC Merced. I was nervous as heck, as an incoming freshman should feel, and I was going into this university by myself with no friends from my high school or anyone. The first semester really, really sucked, not gonna lie. I had some trouble with my roommates. I wasn’t used to their lifestyle and I really bottled up all of my emotions. I was very quiet and reserved, and it was my first time living with people who were so different than me. I didn’t know how to speak up to them because I was too afraid. Plus, I actually felt homesick, even though I was just 2 hours away from my family. Education wise, I didn’t do well in my classes at all. In just my first semester of college, I didn’t pass 2 of my classes, leaving me on academic probation. I was so scared because I have never, ever failed a class. I saw that some of the new friends I made got dismissed from the university, and that truly frightened me because I could possibly get kicked out myself. 

So I forced myself to focus more my second semester. I found a great set of friends who helped me out with my roommate situation, as well as supported me in my studies. They helped with making me feel less homesick. As the second semester came to an end, I was happy that I chose to come to UC Merced. I already became so very close to my friends I made that I didn’t really want to go on summer vacation. Also, I was off academic probation (:

2nd Year

Sophomore year came around, and I was dorming with my best friend Ravneet, which I was so excited about! I was excited to see many of my other friends, but definitely not excited to start classes. I thought this time around I would’ve been used to the transition and pace of college courses, but I wasn’t. I was struggling in my chemistry class and wasn’t able to complete my writing course (which I then withdrew from), resulting in me going back on academic probation. I was so disappointed in myself because I thought I had learned from my first year. Then it was my second semester, and I had 2 science classes; one was completely new to me and one I was retaking. Although I passed majority of my classes that semester, I still didn’t pass one. I was in good standing, but not passing that class just got to me. I was so disappointed and ashamed, that I did something so horrible to myself. I began self-harming, because even though people said “it was okay” and “you could just retake it,” I was so fed up with myself. It’s like I NEVER learned! I knew I could’ve done better or focused more or studied more, but I didn’t, and I ended up not passing yet another class again. My friends were very supportive though, and helped me realize that these things just happen and I couldn’t dwell on it so much. All I could do was redeem myself the next time around. 

In the summer of 2016, I stayed in Merced, attempting to retake that one class I didn’t pass, along with another class, in hopes to catch up. By then, I knew I was behind on my path to graduation. I just wanted nothing more than to be on track to graduate in Spring 2018. Even though I was taking 2 science classes in the summer, I still managed to have fun with my friends as well as focus on my studies. It was a struggle don’t get me wrong, I don’t know what I was thinking to take 2 science classes during the summer! I also started a job at the Campus Store which I’m glad I got because I was applying to so many places for a summer job, and I finally had this. Going back to my classes though, I passed them both thank god.

3rd year

Now for my Junior year! I was living in a house with my 2 best friends (shoutout to Ravneet and Odalys) and I was still working at the Campus Store! Until I wasn’t anymore...lol I was only a temporary, and was let go, which bummed me out because I was starting to befriend a lot of my coworkers. But I mean, it was what it was. The class load for my fall semester included a bio class and lab, a chem class and lab, physics with a lab, and a psych class. Again...why did I take 3 labs together? I don’t know man, I really wanted to get out of there within 4 years, and since it was my junior year, I was so close. I did relatively well towards the end of the semester, but again, I failed my organic chemistry class. I was put on academic probation. I think if I remember correctly, I didn’t tell my family that I had failed that class, the plan was to retake it in the summer. I was disappointed in myself, as usual, and continued to self-harm because I was the only one punishing myself while everyone around me kept comforting and coddling me. I knew they meant well, but my logic was, how was I ever going to learn if no one punished me? My friends at the time knew of this happening and encouraged me to go and seek help, but I rejected them, saying that it’s fine and it’s only this moment that I’m feeling like this. 

I then moved onto spring semester. This time for spring 2017, I decided to lighten my class load. I was also asked to come back to work at the Campus Store, and I’m really glad I was given the offer because i missed my coworkers. I was taking 3 courses and the light load really did help. I passed all 3 and was off academic probation (: I did struggle though, because I was taking a genetics class, and that was pure torture. That was the first class that had ALL short answer questions for exams and the final. And if you know me, I suck at doing short answer and essay questions. Absolutely hated them. 

So summer came again, and this was my chance to retake my Ochem class! So that’s all I took during the summer, just one course. You’d think that with just one course on my plate, I’d be fine...but nope. Ochem was the death of me, and I didn’t pass it AGAIN! Now that really got the best of me. I begged my professor to reconsider any extra credit opportunities for me, but there was nothing she could do. I cried so much when I saw my final grade and I fell into a depression. Because dude...I failed the ONLY class I was taking during the summer. I wasted my ENTIRE summer for a class that I didn’t even pass! My mom and dad were very supportive of me though. I think they noticed how hard I really tried for that class, because I truly looked defeated and like I didn’t want to continue anymore. They gave words of encouragement and comforted me. It took me a while to get over it of course, but I told them my plan to retake it next year in the summer, and they supported me. By then, I had a feeling that i wasn’t going to be graduating with my best friends in Spring 2018.

4th year

Fall 2017! Which was at the time, my senior year of college (: I made it this far, and I couldn’t believe it because of all the freakin’ hardships I went through in the past. But this was my senior year, and I was so ready for a new academic year. I took 4 classes, one being an online class offered at UC Riverside. It was a lighter load than usual, but this one bio 110 class was killing me. The first exam for that course was so difficult, I did horrible on it. From then on, I still did not improve in the class. The exams were all short answer questions and the professors expected very specific/detailed answers. I was taking this class with one of my best friends, Ice, and even though we both struggled in the class, it was nice to know that I wasn’t alone in this. She helped me majorly with studying and checking in on me, and I appreciate her so much. I ended the semester with a good standing, but I failed that bio class, which to me now was not surprising. 

Spring semester rolled around and the first thing I did was go and talk to my advisor to see if I would be able to walk in the Spring Commencement with my friends. I was told yes, but I would need to take 3 classes during the summer. And I really, really considered it because 1) I wanted SOO badly to graduate with my friends because I didn’t want to stay another semester at school if they weren’t going to be there, and 2) I just thought I needed to finish in 4 years because that was just the norm. I thought long and hard about it, and I ended up just taking my time during the semester. I was taking 3 classes, one of which of I was retaking. I was taking 2 upper div BIO classes and 1 upper div ESS class, which I thought wasn’t too bad. But boy...was I wrong. My bio classes were still so difficult and required so much work out of me, I became stressed and slightly depressed. I would have random bursts of me being so angry with myself and I still never stopped self-harming. It was my way of punishing myself because no one else was going to. I’d get anxiety attacks (at the time, i just thought they were asthma attacks) before a test or a quiz or even when I was just thinking about something that made me anxious. Those really affected my work in school. It got so bad that I gave into my friends words, and began going to CAPs, the counseling services offered on campus. I went once a week, talked with my therapist, but I wasn’t going for myself. I was only attending the appointments to show my friends that I was actually going. I didn’t take it seriously and wasn’t truthful throughout my time there, but when my therapist told me I didn’t need to come in anymore, I immediately took that advice and stopped going towards the middle of the semester (which was a huge mistake I didn’t know I was making). As the semester was coming to an end, I was starting to accept the fact that my friends will be graduating and I won’t be. My plan then was to graduate before 2018 ended (because that was supposedly MY YEAR to graduate), so I still had that chance to do so in the coming fall semester. I struggled as usual, studied my butt off for finals and barely got any sleep, all while working at the Campus Store. I ended the semester with a good standing, but yet again, not passing that one darn bio class. Now i had 2 classes that I failed twice; Ochem and BIO 110. I was slowly giving up, slowly becoming less and less motivated to even finish this college thing, and slowly having negative thoughts flooding into my mind saying that I couldn’t do this anymore. But, I attended my best friends graduation and watched them walk across that stage. My own mistakes and disappointment in myself didn’t make me any less proud of them. I was SO overjoyed to see them walk and finish college. But the thought of them leaving did affect me. They were my support system in school because they knew about ALL of my struggles and my mental health, no one else did, not even my family. So it sucked to know that I had to continue on in the fall semester without them by my side. 

I took summer classes though. I enrolled in 3. After spring semester ended, I went straight into summer sessions. I was retaking bio 110 and ochem, which I had to petition to retake for the third time. I was also taking a pysch class because I needed the units to graduate. I can’t stress this enough, but this was the absolute WORST summer of my life. I became so depressed and had anxiety almost every single time I was by myself. I know some people won’t understand how this feels, but best believe me, it felt like all of the life was drained out of me, literally. I started going back to my therapist and this time I started off right. I was truthful with her, and told her EVERYTHING that bothered me. I even told her that I did have suicidal thoughts and that I have been self-harming frequently. She encouraged me to go on medicine for how I was feeling, but with the stigma around taking medicine for your mental health, I was a little iffy. I asked my friends for advice and I went to go see a doctor to talk about it more in depth, and a week later I started taking it, twice a day. Slowly throughout the summer session, I was getting better. But I was alone for most of it. I did my best to keep myself occupied so I wouldn’t have to think about the bad thoughts. I would go to my classes during the day, go home to rest and eat something for like an hour, and then head back to campus to study because I just could not handle being alone in that house at all. I didn’t even trust myself on the weekends. I made plans to go home every weekend because who knows what I could have done to myself when I wasn’t around people. I was very aware of my condition and I didn’t want to risk it, so I went home every weekend, enjoyed my time with my family, up until I had to go back to Merced on Sundays. THANKFULLY, that summer ended, I passed ALL of my classes, and I went straight into the fall semester.

5th year

So, my senior, senior year, Fall 2018. I was excited to start because during the summer I was just all alone and no one I knew was on campus. It sucked. This time I’d be working with my coworkers, I’d be seeing some of my friends in classes, so I was feeling better than I did in the summer. I still took my medication regularly and attended my appointments, everything was well! I was even going out a lot more with my friends, which was very rare for me. I didn’t think that after my 2 best friends graduated, I would make other friends, but I did (: I was taking my last bit of upper division bio classes that I needed to graduate, and I ended up with one of the hardest ones at the UC. I really tried to get out of it, but I couldn’t, and ended up just suffering through that class. Ice, one of my best friends, was very helpful to me in this class. She tried her best to teach me as much as she could, but it was just me. I couldn’t get the material at all. I was slowly getting better at thinking more optimistic, but as the semester came to an end, I came up short once again, failing that bio class. I was supposed to be DONE this semester. I even participated in my Fall Graduation and walked across that stage, but I didn’t pass one class. I was on academic probation, again. It really sucked, like really, really sucked I had to go back for another semester, but I knew dwelling on it wasn’t going to change anything. So I got to work, and petitioned for another semester. Shout out to my friend Vanessa, for helping me through that process, (along with so many other things she’s helped me with. bless her soul, I’m so glad I got closer to her this past year (’: ). Along with that, I had told some people about my medicine and my mental health, and as I suspected, they did not understand. I didn’t get the support I thought I would get, and I was judged for being on medicine that was helping me get better. It was whatever though, I was just glad I didn’t have to keep it a secret anymore, and I never brought it up to them ever again. I was fine with knowing that some people wouldn’t understand, but at least I knew my close friends did, and I appreciate them so much.

Going back to my petition for a new semester, I got it approved! and I was back at UC Merced for my last and final semester! This was my last chance here, because I was maxed out of semesters also. I didn’t like the fact that I took 5 years, but I got over it soon enough. Everyone has their own pace and it’s no race to get your degree. As long as you never give up and you get it. This semester ran way smoother than ALL of my past semesters combined. I was working and I was a part time student, also taking a human anatomy class at the community college in town. It didn’t really hit me that this was my last semester, until I went in and took my last ever final at the UC. All of the friends that I made in my last year here, they were all graduating like me. I’ve gotten so close to so many of them. It was a bittersweet feeling because these friends I made mean so much to me and as harsh as it may sound, I didn’t think I’d be so affected by them. I thought that after my group of friends that graduated in 2018 left, I’d be a loner and done with saying ‘see you laters’ to people. But i’m so glad that wasn’t the case, because I love my group of friends that I made, just as much as my other group of friends. Special shoutout to Susan, because she was the one person who actually got me and I related to. Thank you for being there! Same to Vanessa, whom I grew very close to this past year. Thank you for being another person I could talk to about anything. Being that only a select few knew about that part of me, I felt comfortable with sharing issues about my mental health to you, so thank you so so much for being there for me.

Just 4 days ago, I saw that my final for my last class at the UC was graded, and I didn’t pass the class. I was absolutely devastated AND EMBARRASSED. Here I was, telling everyone I’d be finishing this semester, when I just received an email saying that I didn’t pass the class by 2%. TWO PERCENT. I only told 3 people about this, and they supported me in whatever I needed to do. I was all out of semesters at the UC too so I was stressed out about what I was going to do. My friends told me it was going to be okay, it’s alright if I need to go back to a different university to retake just one class, and they even advised me to email the professor in hopes that she would understand my situation. But, I tried to not let it get the best of me because my friends were going to be graduating that weekend, and I wanted to show up for them and cheer them on. So I enjoyed my weekend and saw my friends all look beautiful and walk across that stage. I made them leis and helped them get ready before the ceremony, and yeah (’: I’m so proud of them. Here’s some pictures of them down below! Shoutout to Vanessa and Andres and Ari and Cynthia and to Susan and Zhane and Jelena and Keanu! Congratulations to all of you guys, and the rest of the campus store graduates, whom i didn’t get to take pictures with! Y’all did it!

Then Monday came, and my class came into my mind again. I had emailed my professor over the weekend asking if there was anything I could do to just earn that 2%. She got back to me Sunday, saying that she was going to recheck my final and asked me to come by. So I was ready. I was about to head out to her office to meet with her, when I saw an email from her. In this email, she basically said that there was nothing she could do and that she couldn’t offer any extra points. I literally stopped in my tracks, and felt so defeated. I broke down crying because dude, my last and only class that I needed, and I didn’t pass it by 2%. I met with one of my friends, and she told me to still go and meet with her and explain my situation. This class was my ticket OUT and my ticket to my degree! Shoutout to Vanessa once more, for trying to help me out even from her own home in San Bernardino, and shoutout to Zhane for letting me sob my eyes out on her shoulder. Just yesterday, (and boy was it a loonnngg and emotional day yesterday), I got enough points needed to pass the class, and I can now OFFICIALLY SAY,

I GRADUATED FROM UC MERCED!!

I know it took me very long, and I know people will talk and judge, even the people very closest to me, but I could honestly care less. I finished at my own pace and I’m so very happy (’: past Alyssa cared SOO MUCH about doing the norm and listening to people who kept telling her that she couldn’t do it or that she wasn’t smart enough to be in college or to even be in her major because she kept failing classes. I wish I could’ve told her sooner that it doesn’t matter what they think. People can say what they want and you should just do you! If only I had known sooner to shut out those negative thoughts, then maybe I wouldn’t have struggled so much throughout my years here, but...I wouldn’t change my journey at all.

For people struggling with their mental health, it’s very important to reach out and ask for help. Take it from me, who for 3 years, kept denying that I had an actual problem and kept quiet about it. I bottled up so much that it got worse and worse every time I denied to go and seek help. I get it may be scary to speak about it to someone, but once you start talking to someone, you’ll slowly start to feel better. 

Big, big thanks to my family, for supporting me in so many different ways. I know you all mean well, thank you for supporting me financially and emotionally and for allowing me to realize that I shouldn’t care what people say about me or my journey.

Thank you to ALL of my friends that I made here (’: I’m going to miss you guys so much. And to my friends who have graduated already and are doing things out there in the real world, I miss you guys so much and I hope everything is going well!

Thank you to UC Merced for this amazing and difficult journey lol you were tough, but I met so many amazing people because of you. I also (as cliche as this is) discovered myself because of you (’: you will always be seen as blessing in my life, and I will never forget the memories you gave me!

Just a reminder to everyone: I was on academic probation 4 times, I didn’t pass 9 classes, I withdrew from 1 class, and I never gave up. I’m not saying that failing so many times is okay to do, but what I want to express is that if you do fail, don’t let it get the best of you. Get back up and keep trying! Don’t give up! There were countless times where I wanted to give up EVERYTHING I worked so hard for, but I didn’t. To anyone who needs this and sees this, you got this (:

Now...for a song that is near and dear to my heart and really explains mine and many others journeys so well