#cirque au

          When the door banged open and the members began flooding in, you felt bewildered. What was happening? Were you and Yoongi about to kiss? You knew you had wanted to. Had he wanted to? In that moment, you had wanted to feel his soft lips, wondering if they still tasted of coffee and peppermint, but that moment had escaped quickly, fleeing out the door once your friends had barged in. As more and more people crowded into the room, you became overwhelmed. You needed to think, you needed to figure out Yoongi, but as you looked around for him, it seemed like he had disappeared. Jackie was talking to you, but you stared at her blankly, unable register her voice or the words she was saying. Everyone was staring at you, but all you could think about was Yoongi. You needed space, you needed to think, most importantly though, you needed Yoongi. Someone, you couldn’t register who, asked about Yoongi, and you responded with a dejected stare at the door and a numb, “nothing.” However, in the hustle of people worrying about you and the showcase, that answer was forgotten, Yoongi pushed to the back of their minds. However, he was very much still at the forefront of yours.

         The next couple of hours passed in a blur, your thoughts ignoring the sharp pain in your ankle but amplifying the throbbing, wrenching pain in your heart. Somehow you made it back to your apartment. You couldn’t remember who had helped you, or who had been with you. You just kept replaying the events of the rehearsal back in your mind. Yoongi had shown up. He had caught you even before you fell. You had a tension charged conversation that ended in... absolutely nothing. He had been within kissing distance and then the door slammed open, effectively ruining any chance at you two talking. But did you want to talk? You were afraid of what he might say, what he might do. If anything happened, anything at all, it seemed like the consequences would be irreversible.

         You sat on the floor in your dark apartment, the only light streaming in from the city lights outside, a reflection of your mood inside. In your mind, you kept going back to his arrival at the rehearsal. When had he come? More importantly, why was he there after so long? Yes, you had broken the relationship but that didn’t mean you wanted him to disappear. You had wanted him more than ever. The past three months had been filled with a yearning for Yoongi, his gummy smile, his exasperated sighs, his sharp witty humor. But… you were terrified. The love Yoongi had given you, the gentle terms of endearment, the whispered sweet nothings in your ear when you sat in his lap, the unadulterated love in his eyes every time he looked at you, scared the shit out of you. God, you loved him, too. Within months of meeting him, you knew you loved him. But love was never enough. Love was scary. It would make you weaker, causing pain, and in that moment three months ago, you thought you were trying to protect yourself from the hurt that came with love. In reality, you were afraid, petrified by Yoongi’s love.

         Every relationship you had before Yoongi had treated you terribly or had ended badly. You could not let that happen with him. If things ended badly, you would lose not only a boyfriend but your best friend too. Ironically though, in your attempt to not let things end badly, you still ended up losing your best friend. Your eyes filled with hot, regretful tears as you thought back to that horrible phone call.

“Yoongi, I think…”

“Yes baby?”

“Yoongi, I think we need a break.”

“What? Wh-why?”

“I think we work better as friends. I’m sorry.”

         You had dialed and redialed his number three times before you had mustered enough courage to actually call him. When he answered, the soft hello almost sent your heart into a frenzy. Just hearing his voice, you had almost wanted to back away from the break up; hang up and pretend you had never called with such a horrible intention, but that fear kept propelling you. You started speaking and then he had called you baby. Baby. Your heart clenched at the pet name, every part of you saying hang up, hang up, don’t do this. Not now, not ever. But, your brain won that battle. You had clenched your jaw, and kept your voice as even as possible as you spit out the words, hanging up before you broke down completely. You clicked off as soon as you could’ve and just lost it, sobs wracking your body. Even now, just thinking about it, tears spilled over and began slipping down your face.

         You had broken your own heart into pieces but imagine Yoongi’s. No wonder he had wanted space. How could you have been so selfish to want Yoongi, even as a friend, after hurting him so badly? Yes, you were afraid then, still were afraid now, but you should’ve pushed that fear aside. Yoongi was the best thing to have happened to you. Why were you being such a coward?

         Coward. You were one; you definitely were a coward. Fear of your best friend? Fear of a relationship with the one person you had trusted most? How could you even think that? You and Yoongi made your friendship work through everything, why did you think your relationship would have been different? Coward, coward, coward. The name crept through you, running, coursing, throbbing, until it enclosed on your throat.

         Suddenly, it became hard to breathe; sobs and angry tears began coming quicker. You could feel the panic attack coming. Usually you called Yoongi. He was your rock, and the only one who knew how to stop them, but how could you call the one person who had set off this attack in the first place. You clutched at your throat, gasping for air, trying frantically to calm yourself and cool yourself before the word ate you alive. Coward, coward, coward. Your mind assaulted your heart cursing its stupidity, cursing your entire being. How could you have been so stupid to leave Yoongi? Panic set in, your hands still clutching your throat. You still couldn’t breathe, the sobs leaving your body were stealing the air before you could fill your lungs.

         You fell sideways to the floor, hoping to cool your body against the hard wood, curling up against yourself, closing your eyes, your back to the couch, hoping, praying that this mind attack would stop. You needed to go to bed, tomorrow was a big day. But right now, you couldn’t leave your past mistakes. You had left Yoongi. You had broken a beautiful thing. This was on you, and you needed to fix it. But in your panic, you simply were lost. Your throat finally opened, panic leaving, but anguish setting in. The tears never stopped, each droplet ripping into your soul. This was a fresh hell, one you had put yourself in for three long months. How were you ever going to come out? You were stuck, drowning in your fear, your cowardice, and your love, with no way to swim. Thoughts swirled in your head all night as you laid on the floor, curled into yourself, exhaustion finally putting you in a fitful, unrestful sleep.