#choicespride

“Why did I ask, twin? I should have known!”

Skylar nudged them, his lips stretched in a wide smile.

“Even distance hasn’t ruined our connection.”

“No way! You thought it would!? I’m hurt”, Saini joked.

They looked at each other and fell into each other’s arms.

“I’m so, so happy you’re here, Indi. I wish I could keep you with me.”

“I wish too but someone wouldn’t be very happy.”

Saini touched his nose and said, eyes shining like his:

“He likes you. He would just rather have his tongue ripped off than admitting it.”

“If you say so.”

“How could he not like you? You’re truly amazing and I wouldn’t be with someone who can’t see it.”

Skylar started braiding a strand of their hair and they let him.

“So, you would choose me over your partner?”

“Over my partner, my new friends… basically over anyone.”

They held the braid and turned to give him access to the other side of their head. He was doing their hair. Old habits die hard. He noticed a hairband on the shelf right next to the door frame and took it to tie the two braids together. They smiled at him as a thank you and he put his arm around their shoulder and dragged them with him inside the bedroom.

“You know, if you weren’t with Cas and we would have been older, like living on our own, I would have asked you to live with me.”

“Being flatmates? That would have been one of the best things ever!” Saini beamed.

Skylar chuckled and gingerly patted their head.

“You know it’s not how I meant it, Flower.”

Saini’s eyes widened; he was staring at them, all serious and certain of what he had just told them. They slightly blushed and he saw it but chose to ignore it.

“Well, and you’re telling me this like that, out of the… indigo?”

He indulgently smiled at the bad joke, as he knew it was a common behaviour of them whenever they were being all shy.

“Think about it and how it makes sense considering the relationship we have.”

“Quasiplatonic life partners… Tell that to Cas, I’m sure he’ll understand. Best way to make him hate you. You don’t want that, I promise.”

“You know that it’s not what you have with Cas.”

“True that”, they conceded after considering it for several seconds.

“And you wouldn’t have moved, I would have asked you to prom.”

“You wouldn’t have because Juliet would have been enraged.”

Skylar rolled his eyes and waved his left hand.

“I totally would have. I didn’t tell you she left Portland to live in L.A.? Her mom got a job opportunity there. I got rid of this leech!”

“Ohh, is this a way to talk about your number one fan?!”

“In that case, more like an obsessive person than anything else. You are my number one… fan.”

Saini pretended not to have heard the pause and what it meant. They deflected with a laugh.

“I’m not worshipping you, Indi.”

“I know. Thank God for that. I’m too flawed to be worshipped.”

“You’re fine just the way you are.”

They hugged him and he sighed heavily while hugging them back.

“Yeah, just as I am. But who am I?”

“You are you. You don’t need to have everything already figured out, I told you yesterday. You are a wonderful person. Not just my childhood best friend but my best childhood friend. My sibling from other parents. A dancing light in my life. A firefly.”

“What a poet, I’m swooning”, he teased, blushing lightly and secretly happy Saini couldn’t see it.

Minding their strength, they pushed him with a fist on his right side.

“I feel your knees buckling, don’t worry, I have you. I won’t let you fall.”

They both laughed, still embracing each other. Neither of them wanted to move away.

“In all seriousness, I can’t even remember how my life was before I met you, Rosa.”

“We’ve lived a lot, went through a lot. I wouldn’t change anything.”

“Me neither. I even remember how anxious I was when I came out to you.”

Saini affectionately and gently patted him in the back.

“The first of a series”, they grinned and he heard it.

“An ongoing series”, he specified, chuckling.

“I’ll always cheer for you. I love you, Skylar.”

“I love you, too, Saini”, he said and moved their hair on one side.

“I’m still feeling honoured that you chose to tell me first, you know.”

He slowly broke their embrace and, taking their hand, led them to the bed where they sat side by side. He turned his cornflower blue eyes on them and Saini would never stop being amazed and captivated by this magnificent and unusual eye colour. He touched their nose, amused. He knew exactly what was going on in their head.

“I enjoy talking at people who look at me in the eyes but that’s a bit too much, Flower.”

Saini caught his retreating hand, accompanied it down on the bed and squeezed it briefly.

“It’s just that I almost forgot how stunning they are.”

“I can easily picture Cas being very upset at what you’ve just said.”

“I know. He gives me his full attention and expects that I do the same. I’m not saying it in a mean way, it’s a fact. He doesn’t expect it in an entitled way. He’s super loyal and super protective, especially of me; so, to him, it’s only natural that I do the exact same. It’s not in a bad way, he’s able to understand, he has shown me many times. I think he has been very hurt but he needs more time to open up, so I’m not pushing. He’s very sensitive, though he’ll totally deny it.”

“And our relationship is confusing him. I mean, I can see why”, Skylar sympathised.

“He’ll understand, I know this. He has to be certain that I truly love him and won’t let go.”

“And you won’t”, he stated.

“And I won’t”, they confirmed.

They put their head on his shoulder and added:

“And I’m not letting go of you either.”

“In three days, you’ll have to, though.”

“No, I’m keeping you here. Goodbye, Portland.”

“Come on, it’s not that bad! You can always visit. Mina and Trina will be ecstatic.”

“I wish but definitely not now.”

“Why not? Didn’t you tell me your high school burnt down and has not been rebuilt yet?”

“Mom is still working and I know she wants to come with me.”

Guilt bit them inside. It was the first time Saini had to keep something from Skylar and was hating every second of it.

“My mom would be indeed happy to see her. She’s been raving about a new cake recipe lately. Apparently, your mom is supposed to love it. There are bits of ginger inside.”

“Ha! My mom would love it!”

Silence fell on them like light snow. After a couple of minutes, Skylar resumed a previous topic and Saini straightened their back.

“I really was nervous to tell you about my identity.”

“What were you nervous about, exactly?”

“That you would ask for clarifications when I wasn’t even able to give them, but you simply listened. Honestly, thank you.”

“Listening is very important. Usually, it’s enough. It’s overwhelming to come out, so getting pressed by questions we don’t always have the answers to at that time, it makes the whole thing even worse. Also, I searched for demiandrogyne to understand better, since I knew you were enough stressed out that day.”

Saini paused, trying to find their words. They put their right arm around his shoulder.

“And after all, it’s what led me to reflect on my own identity. I’ll never thank you enough for that.”

They play played a little with few of his long hair strands; he let them.

“And you came to me seven weeks after to tell me you, too, were non-binary. You knew I wouldn’t judge you,” he laughed quietly at his bad joke.

“Yes, but I’ve never felt judged by you, anyway.”

“The same goes for me”, he smiled.

“And the same goes with my mom. I still can’t believe that after I told her I was agender, the first thing she said was “I have been misgendering you this whole time!””

“My parents said something similar. They are all friends for a reason.”

“Yeah and what still makes me happy was when she asked me if I was planning to change my name. just the simple though, you know…?”

“Yes, this is the kind of questions that made you feel understood and accepted by her.”

“But I love my name. I don’t care if it’s not neutral like yours. And the best is that she wasn’t dismissive, like “oh, what do you know? You’re only thirteen, after all!””

“Yes, we’re both extremely lucky and aware of it. It could have been much, much worse.”

“Like not at least asking what it feels like to live in a society that functions on a binary level as a non-binary person. My mom has been so genuinely interested, it’s making me tearing up every time”, Saini choked on the end of their sentence.

“It’s hard and it’s damaging a lot of people. All this misgendering, the fear of correcting people who do this on purpose or not, the endless education we have to provide…”

“Necessary education but suffocating at one point when it happens more often than not. The feeling we have to justify ourselves, as if it were a choice.”

“It’s not and it’s seriously painful to be alienated. Assuming who we are based on our appearance or what they think we look like.”

Skylar had finished his sentence, all upset, and Saini could hear his heart beating much faster because of that. They started rubbing his upper back to comfort him and his heartbeat slowed a little, soothed by the gesture.

“Look, I’ll never know what it is to be androgynous but I know it’s not easy, thanks to you. Regardless, it doesn’t change – it will never change the fact you are wonderful and I pity all those people who don’t know you, those who will never meet you and even more those who shut you out, one way or another.”

“It’s so hard to know who I am and… accept in some way what I know so far”, he confessed bashfully.

Saini put their arm again around his shoulder.

“You really are putting so much pressure on yourself but I think it’s mainly due to the society. It really is okay not to know everything right now. You are a person. Even when someone has everything figured out, they remain a person, like you. Words are good to describe your experience to other people but not having them doesn’t invalidate how you feel. It’s okay not to have your words. You don’t owe any explanation to people. What really matters is that you are wonderful. There is no need to be anything else other than your brilliant self.”

They briefly put their hand on his head and smiled at him, eyes soft.

“’Brilliant’, I don’t know. I don’t feel brilliant when I get misgendered.”

Saini’s hand went back to touch some of his hair strands.

“It really hurts when it happens. Like they know better who we are and they truly can’t consider there are other options.”

“I know you know”, Skylar said quietly.

“Whenever someone misgenders me, on purpose or not, I always pretend they are talking to someone else. Makes me feel better and it put them into place. Even those who did it by ignorance. They also have to stop assuming that everything is this or that. First, we are human beings and this is all they should see. The rest, binarity or non-binarity, doesn’t take this fact away. This is the same for orientations, skin colours, religions… everything, really.”

Skylar faced Saini, whose arm fell from his shoulder, and he squeezed their hand.

“Can I steal your trick?”

“Sure, Blue, go ahead.”

“Oh no! I really thought you would have forgotten this ridiculous nickname!” he groaned.

“Never! I can’t call you Sky and your eyes are blue, so it makes sense. Besides, it serves you right for still calling me Flower.”

He nudged them; they gently nudged back. He did the same and a little battle followed. They both quickly ended up laughing. Once their laughter subsided, Saini put their hands on their thighs.

“Hey, Indi?”

“Hey, Rosa.”

They laughed and he grinned.

“What?”

“How would you have promposed?”

“Due to the respect I have for your boyfriend and your relationship, I’m afraid I won’t tell you.” His eyes were shining playfully. “What a pity!”

Saini huffed, partially because he was teasing them and partially because they really were curious to know.

“When your high school will be rebuilt, Cas will ask you and then, you’ll tell me everything. After that, I’ll let you know if my promposal would have been better.”

“You, tease!”

“Absolutely. Twin privilege.”

“I’m the oldest out of us.”

“By few hours only.”

“By ten hours and thirty minutes.”

“Yes, yes, big sibling.”

Saini stood up, then hold out their hand to him.

“Come, little sibling.”

He stood up, very amused. He was a full head taller than them.

“Little sibling, yes.”