#chivwrts

you stared at your phone in silence, a deadpan expression spread across your drool stained face. the audio message read 2 minutes and 15 seconds.

what did I get myself into? you thought, your mind already whirling under the effects of the alcohol.

you rubbed your face and propped yourself up on the bathroom floor, holding your phone above you. scanning the screen one last time and taking a deep breath, you hit play. it was bittersweet to hear your lover's voice again. you broke it off, swore to all of your friends that you were done, yet here you were. hearing her out again.

“ion even know where to start...”

she trailed off but regained her composure. her voice was firm and sure at first, but soon became fiery and shaky, breaking a little as she continued. her words were almost incoherent to your naked ear, but your heart felt every jab. she had no problem telling you about yourself, no matter the situation; it was something you hated and loved. everything she spat at you was nothing but true. how you could be a hypocrite, how you ran away from your problems instead of facing them.. you soaked in the words like vicious sunrays attacking your vulnerable skin. but no, you weren't the problem. how could you be?

riri was a monster. your stomach churned slightly at the thought of it. she was so soft at the beginning. she used to hold your hand, fall asleep on your chest, let you take the good hits and finished the roach herself so you didn't burn your lips. she hated the lipgloss you wore. it was too sticky and too sweet, “unnatural,” she'd call it, but she never missed a chance to kiss you. of course she'd wipe her lips after, but she loved it in the moment. being close to you, your presence, your aura. she admired your whole soul. everything about you mesmerized her, like a prized possession, and her persistence was a wonder to you.

you were equally infatuated with her at the beginning. as time progressed and you both kept fucking up, the hope of you two finally working faded away slowly. every argument drained you more and more. arguments that shouldn't have even been arguments. arguments that should've ended in riri falling asleep on your chest watching orange is the new black and whining about the plot twist that she accidentally missed. but they never did, you just yelled in each other's faces until the tension got thick and moved to the bed. it took you months to realize that wasn't the way to solve issues.

your mind snapped back to the phone as the 2 minutes and 15 seconds finally came to an end. your head began to throb as your thumbs danced around the keyboard, unsure of what letters to press to make anything better. you took an unsteady breath in, and immediately felt the nausea creep back up quickly. phone practically flying out of your hand and sliding across the tiles of the bathroom floor, you doubled over into the toilet and wiped your chin. weakly, you fell to the floor and flipped over, faced with the bright screen of your phone again.

inhale...

incoming call from ri (?)

your exhale was cut short and sharp. in your head, you chaotically debated whether or not you should answer, but you knew deep down, you had to. your misguided conscience wouldn't allow you to dodge an opportunity to be back with her again, not ever. in the midst of your debate, you found your finger lingering over the answer button, then pressing it softly. a few seconds of silence followed before she cleared her throat. her voice was raspy and worn, even a little aggressive, but all you heard was home. home is where you wanted to be. with her, in her room, in the dark just how she kept it. no need to see her. being in her arms again would be enough.

“you can't keep doing this to me, Y/N.”

her voice snapped you back out of your pathetic thoughts. you slid up against the bathtub and huffed. riri was a monster. you had to keep reminding yourself that or else you'd drive yourself insane.

“doing what, rianna?”

“actin' like you can't communicate with me. when have I ever made you feel like you couldn't talk to me?”

you couldn't think of a time she did. a pit was forming in your stomach. you stayed silent, the thought that you were the problem slowly settling on your mind.

“why can't we do better, y/n? i want better for us. figure out what the fuck you want.”

figure it out? what was she talking about? you had it figured out. you broke it off. a scoff escaped your lips before you hung up, but those words would haunt you.

►►►

the next week was rough. you jumped out of bed at the sound of your alarm blaring like a siren. usually, you'd wake up a few minutes before your 7:30 alarm to get yourself all straightened out and prepared to start the day, leaving plenty of time before your work alarm at noon. that day, as well as all week, you slept straight through your morning alarm and skipped to noon. “fuck,” you cursed sharply to yourself, swinging your legs off of the side of the bed and lagging slowly to the bathroom. after brushing your teeth and washing your face, you tried to shake off the sleepy. silly faces in the bathroom mirror didn't work like in the movies, you still felt like shit.

your closet was your favorite thing in the world. even on days like this where you wanted to stuff your face back into your pillow and keep snoozing, styling your clothes could always cheer you up a bit. you stretched and yawned before reaching into your closet and pulling out some baggy dark-washed jeans, a white tee, and a cute cardigan. pairing that with some pretty gold jewelry and timberland shoes, you stepped back in front of the mirror to observe the final product. something was off. your eyes glossed over your reflection before finally remembering; lipgloss. your lip liner and gloss made you look much more alive; almost impossible to tell that you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. you rubbed your lips together and were reminded how sugary it tasted, how she always complained about it. the thought of her wrecked your mood all over again.

after grabbing your keys and your laptop bag, you were off to work.

your job, surprisingly, was the highlight of your week. you loved the flashy outfits you and your coworkers designed and the way the models wore them so fiercely. being a designer was all you'd ever wanted to do. since grade school, fashion shows had fried your brain until your eyes went square like the TV. there was something so mesmerizing about it, but it was never the modeling that your heart followed; it was the clothing itself. the beautiful fabrics and the parings of colors were something you'd always wanted to be involved with, and here you were. doing just that.

you sat in your small office, the same jazzy elevator music as always playing softly as you finished the outline for a pantsuit you were beginning. you ran your finger across the smooth terrain of the sketch paper, mapping out just what length the sleeve fringes should stop at. “perfect,” you mumbled to yourself before hearing a firm rap on the door and setting your pencil aside. at the door stood marshall, your favorite male model, who also worked behind the scenes a bit as well. he peeked over your shoulder and into your office, immediately finding your sketchbook and pushing past your much taller frame to grab it. his green eyes, bright like orbs, lit up elusively. an unreadable expression painted his face before he pressed the book against his chest.

“y/n, there is no way you're letting someone else wear this!” he groaned and tossed the sketchbook down on your desk, pouting. you threw your hands up defensively, a slight smile coming to your face. you loved that others loved your work. marshall especially; he'd step on any of his fellow models' skulls to reach your office first and ensure that he wore your best. marshall was the shortest model in the whole agency. they say he got lucky, but no, he just has talent. raw talent, and a few inches of height can't out-model him. “relax, I haven't even bought fabric yet.”

“well, when you do don't notify the birds,” he lowered his voice to a whisper, winding his finger around the side of his head.

“be nice, you share a runway with those ‘birds,’” you giggled back, throwing up air quotes and grabbing your desk chair.

your phone buzzed rapidly in your pocket as you went to go sit back down, stopping you in your tracks. nobody called you while you were at work. everyone in your life was well aware of your schedule, and knew not to bother unless it was an emergency. in case of an emergency, however, you had do not disturb turned off. the buzzes were frantic, growing irritating the more you tried to ignore them. marshall studied your face, confusion painting his as he wondered silently why you weren't answering your phone.

“you should get that..” he said slowly, almost mockingly. your head reeled. while part of you was struggling to understand what the deal could be, the other part knew. deep down, it knew. you huffed and rolled your eyes at him, retrieving your phone from your back pocket and checking the notifications. a blanket of silence fell over the office, the only noise now being marshall chewing loudly on his bubblegum.

the cool, bright glowing from the screen of your phone casted a pale white glare in your blue light glasses as you stared at the phone nervously, a fingernail in your mouth. hopping down from your desk that he'd previously made his personal chair, marshall inched closer to you. “what's up? who is it?”

you gave him a look, a wistful, rueful look. realization struck in his mind and he nodded, bearing his teeth awkwardly. “remember what I told you. handle that. oh, and don't let nobody else wear my suit, kay?” he backed out of the door, giving you and the yearlong headache residing in your phone some privacy. disregarding the several missed calls from riri, you took some time to read her messages.

1:15pm:

we need to talk. in person.

you replied with a simple and sassy no, and turned the phone off, but after your shift, you spotted a familiar red Plymouth Cuda in the parking lot, and a familiar body leaning against it. you peered in disbelief out of the window and rushed out of your office and to the lot. your heart was racing, pounding so fast that you couldn't even keep up with the relentless hammering in your chest. she didn't see you, not yet, and she couldn't. not now. you threw your hand up in front of your face, but you could still feel the coldness of her gaze following you to your car.

“y/n?” she called for you. your feet scuffed the fresh concrete as you tried once more to elude her.

“hey!” she boomed. your feet had stopped moving entirely, your body still; stunned. her voice was heaven--no, hell--or maybe some unknown median. your stomach dropped as you subconsciously turned around to face her. it was all too grand, this one-sided rendezvous. the mere sight of her face brought back every memory you'd stuffed way back into your mind and shut out.

“y/n-”

you couldn't allow her the liberty of speaking first. “no. go home, riri.”

she was taken aback. every other time she'd reached out, there was no resistance on your end. even now, you wanted to run to her, to stop being so stubborn and give in, but you kept yourself grounded. you stood firmly in your place and faced her bravely, your jaw clenching as the flashbacks of the disrespect (which you were forcing yourself to replay in your head) were drowned out by images of you peppering her flushed face with kisses after her basketball games.

your breath hitched in your chest. the championship game was the most intense time for you and riri; you often went from girlfriend to coach. your eyes followed her busy feet as they squeaked on the gym floor. the was time running low and all eyes were glued to the ball bouncing from the ground and back to her hand. usually you'd be screaming for her, but this was different. you knew riri. you knew well that when she was lazer focused, you could easily knock that off with your presence, so you stayed quiet, practically holding all the air in your lungs. it was now or never, there were 5 seconds on the clock and she was at the three-point line. don't blow it, don't blow it, don't-

just as you were about to close your eyes, uncertain if you could watch, the ball twisted and turned in the air, tumbling towards the hoop at a lumbering pace. at the buzzer, you figured your mind must've been playing tricks on you. the ball smoothly fell through the nylon net. this was it. great pride filled your heart as you jumped up, screaming her name. as soon as she got off the court, you rushed off of the bleachers and straight to her, wrapping your arms around her and squeezing tight. “im so, so proud of you,” you muttered into her ear, your lips grazing her jawline, then pressing against her face softly in every spot you could find.

“you been dodging me.”

you snapped out of it, realizing you were only a foot or two away from riri now. she was smaller than you, and she often felt small within herself, which caused her to carry a big energy. the need to intimidate powered her like the engine of a rocket. she succeeded in intimidating you, especially when she wanted something from you.

“i have.”

your eyes flickered around. she noticed.

“why?”

you thought about why exactly you had cut contact with riri in the first place. its a buildup of shit, you'd say as an excuse, but what you truly wanted to say was:

you've ruined me for anybody else. i can't look into anybody's eyes without searching for the glimmer in yours. i can never find what i want in anybody and it drives me insane--you drive me insane. i can't be away from you, but i can't seem to get it right when i'm with you, and i can't be your friend because i am so deeply in love with you, riri, but i fucking hate you sometimes. i hate the way you get when we argue, i hate when i don't know what's wrong, i hate that i can't communicate with you properly. and maybe it's on me, maybe i'm just as much as the problem as you are. but it just shows that we aren't good.

but that was too much wasted breath, too much pouring out recklessly knowing where you'd end up in the next hour anyway. so you covered it up with its a buildup of shit, and hid behind forced eye roll and pretend hatred for her, but you could never truly hate riri williams. nobody could. her charm was admittedly irresistible and it worked magic on you every single time.

the slightest smile cracked--which you didn't understand--on her smug face. “you sure? or you just slammed my door in my face for attention because you know I'll show up to this job over you?”

you swallowed hard. the undermining of your maturity made your stomach turn. you'd never do that, not for that reason. she inched closer to you, leaning in to mutter something in your ear.

“get in the car.”

►►►

in the passengers seat of her dad's Cuda--which you'd never even touched before--you gritted your teeth subconsciously, your leg bouncing. “stop that shit, you making me nervous,” she commanded, her hand reaching over to steady your thigh. the bouncing slowed as you stared her down helplessly. you didn't want to go back to her, but you genuinely couldn't help it. she just had a sort of magnetism to her. “where are we going, rianna?”

“aye, what happened to ‘ri’? why you gotta pull out the government?”

rubbing your face in aggravation, you took a deep breath. “because it's still fuck you right now!”

she just looked at you through a nearby window as she passed an exit you knew all too well. your tone smoothed, softened, as you flew past an exit you knew all too well.

“and its still gon be fuck you after we get to your crib and do whatever you tryna do.”

silence filled the interior of the vehicle, pushing against the windows for an escape. the tension felt like carbonation in a tight can, and you were about to be the reason everything blows up. in your mind, you were banging on windows and trying to pry open car doors. in your mind, the car was locked and you had no hope whatsoever of escape. riri's presence, her energy alone was keeping you inside like loot in a safe. you weren't gonna leave. your eyes scanned the yellow lines on the road as they twisted and curved along the path she was taking you down. every heart string ejected from your chest as you stared out the window, silently screaming your head off as she pulled into her driveway and parked. neither of you exited the car yet.

“you're frustrated.” riri looked at you through your own mirror, limiting the places you could avert your eyes to. what a power move. “frustrated because...?” she left her statement open ended, waiting for you to finish it. you were practically boiling over. playing pretend was her favorite ploy; she'd pretend like she didn't know you were hurting. pretend like her actions weren't constantly in your face. constantly topics brought up in your circle of friends that has since decreased in number because you were, and still are, so damn tired of hearing rianna williams’ name. she interrupted your deep thought with her smooth voice again, turning entirely to face you, demanding your attention.

“what do you want?”

your heart jumped in your throat. that question was seared into your frontal lobe by now, repeated by riri so many times that you can predict right when she's about to pull it out of her inventory.

“i don't-”

“what, you'n know? you never know. that's your fucking problem.”

you took it on the chin. it was ri's turn to talk, because she was so good at it. you were too, but not when it came to her. you hated words with her. they always got removed and replaced with different words and malicious intentions that you would've never even imagined.

“you always tryna make me out to be evil, you ain't exactly the good witch either. you don't see this shit going nowhere, you just lying to fuck.”

she opened, exited, and slammed the driver's side door and you followed her to the porch.

“you really think that's all I wanted from you?”

she turned to you, then looked away, dismissing you on purpose.

“rianna, you know that's not all I wanted from you.”

fumbling with her keys with frustration all over her face, she let out a sharp exhale and a bitter chuckle. without giving you so much as another glance, she unlocked the door and walked in, tossing her keys to the side and plopping down on her couch.

“then what did you want?” she asked, looking down at the floor as she cracked her knuckles. “you making it seem like I'm evil and some more shit. how you think it feel to lose you? I fucking love you, y/n.”

her head fell into her hands slowly, and for the first time since she told you about her dad, she cried. lo and behold, riri williams was directly in front of you in all of her glory, sobbing silently into her hands. they failed miserably at catching her tears.

“why we can't just do right by each other?”

a shockwave of emotion washed over you as you stood in awe. it was starting to feel like there were 8 pound sandbags tied to all of your limbs; your knees felt weak at the sight of the girl you assumed was as strong as pure iron crumbling before you like old stone. she was in pain. so much of it that she couldn't even allow herself to keep pretending she was okay sleeping in an empty bed. and even when it wasn't empty, even when she had someone to take your place, it could never be the same. her nights were as cold as ever without the sound of your breathing and the warmth of your body under hers.

the words I don't know swelled up in your throat, but you forced them back down quickly and took a seat beside her on the couch. you half-expected her to flinch or scoot away, but it was apparent that she wasn't in any mood to be petty. riri had no walls up at this moment.

“I wish I had an answer,” you started, choking slightly on your words as her head raised to meet you at eye level. “but I'm just as lost as you.”

although you managed to keep eye contact, it was painful to see the tears sitting impatiently in her waterline threatening to spill over. subconsciously, your hand found hers, and you two were interlocking fingers.

“tell me what to do, riri.”

her eyebrows furrowed hopelessly, a sharp exhale cutting through the air.

“what?”

“you said I can't keep doing this. tell me how to stop. tell me how to make us work, how to make us better.”

riri was puzzled. for a while, she was almost certain your I don't know's were just excuses to avoid communication, to cut your conversations short, but at this point, neither did she. the both of you knew there was an issue. hell, you were falling apart right in front of each other, but you had no clue how to fix things. there was more that needed to be said, that was absolutely for certain.

you just didn't know what.

riri just didn't know what.

your teeth were bars of ember entrapping your tongue, holding back words that you hadn't even formulated. no matter how hard you two tried, there would always be a muzzle on you.

riri took a deep, defeated breath and dropped your hand.