"I made food."

Shuri lingered in the doorway, a steaming plate in her hand and a slump in her shoulders. The hour was 2:00, and Riri was tucked in tightly, but Shuri knew for a fact she was still wide awake. She set the plate down gently on Riri's desk and sat on the edge of her bed with a sigh.

"Look, it's been a week and..."

She was hesitant to continue, the uninviting atmosphere already beginning to influence her confidence and tone of voice.

"I just think-"

"I don't give a fuck what you think," Riri replied, unmoving. The pit in her stomach was festering, engulfing her to the point where she felt there was nothing left. To her, there was nothing left, not since you had. Contrary to your promise, she found it hard to believe you would come back, and though she wasn't scared of much, that terrified her beyond her own comprehension. She finally turned to face a defeated Shuri, who was within an ace of giving up and letting her sulk for forever.

"You can't stay in this spot waiting for her, Riri. Do something with yourself."

Riri almost looked offended. "Do something with myself?"

Surveying the floor beneath her (which was only marginally visible due to the junk Riri had discarded upon it in her lack of motivation to do.. well, anything), Shuri digested the condition that Riri was in.

"I'll run you a bath."

ᨖ

Meanwhile, you and Amara had been going on semi-spontaneous side quests and catching up on life. You hadn't thought of Riri much, or at least you did your utmost not to. Of course there were the late nights and random waves, the chest aches and inklings of emptiness, but time away from her was good for you. This was good for you. You just had to keep repeating that to yourself, though your entire atmosphere sightly shifted when it hit 10:00 pm. Though your daily routines had been ruptured like an expanding balloon. You wouldn't see her, smell her, feel her. You wouldn't walk around in the mornings in her clothes, completely encapsulated in the essence of her, or be skin to skin after a hot shower, tracing each others curves and edges. Those thoughts swirled around in the very back of your mind, but with Amara there for you, they would fade every once in a while.

ᨖ

Riri; Monday, 12:30

Riri's mind reeled as she sat in the booth of your favorite diner alone, a shitty coffee she wasn't even enjoying steaming in her left hand as she scribbled into her sketchbook with her right. The time was 12:30 am, and she hadn't slept a lick for the past few days. Her classes felt like rocket science lately, her room was in wild disarray. Even her leisure felt like labor. Her garage was stained with memories of your face and your laugh, everything about you pervaded the atmosphere of her workspace. So much that she couldn't even bring herself to stay in it for more than a couple hours before her heartache settled in and swallowed her whole.

So there she sat, solitary, in a place that did her no better.

Her dozing eyes almost allowed her a pinch of slumber as her lack of sleep chased her tail, desperate to finally catch her, but she was pulled away from her chance by the disturbance of a faint, honeyed murmur coming from above her. Her senses hadn't yet readjusted to her surroundings as the voice continued. She groaned a soft, "hm?" as she finally looked up at the grinning figure before her.

"I said the Inn is across the street, sleepy."

"Oh, shit, my bad," Riri muttered, sluggishly feeling around for all of her belongings.

The girl let out a giggle before sliding into the other side of the booth. "Nah, it's good. What you workin' on?"

Riri glanced down at her sketchbook, the page practically empty besides the scribbled out reference drawings of a welded flower bouquet made of nuts and bolts. She slid it over to her and threw her hands up.

"Ohh. Uh, what is it?" she held it closer to the light to make out the covered drawings, a furrow in her slit eyebrows. Riri let out a small amused huff and shook her head, resting her chin on her hand. "Beats me, just busy work I guess."

"It's very.. abstract."

"Uh, yeah.. it'll look better when i actually weld it."

"Weld it?" she let out a subtle sigh of relief, which Riri noticed.

She nodded slowly, an eyebrow raised and a smirk forming as the girl took her pencil and began doodling something. "Yeah, what about it?"

"I thought you were just a really shitty artist, I didn't wanna have to lie to you about it," she laughed, skillfully pressing pencil to paper, focus beaming in her eyes. Riri watched intently, noting the graceful yet firm way her wrist and fingers worked precise shapes and curves into her book. After a minute or two of silence, she flipped the book around to show her the finished product.

"Why don't you try something like this?"

Riri kept her mouth from falling open a bit, but her eyes betrayed her. The model was gorgeous, elaborate enough to keep her busy, but simple enough to add her own flair. She grabbed the book from her and ran her fingers over the page. In the corner, was her signature.

-Joselynn

"You're a show off, Joselynn."

"You just can't draw," she remarked, noting RIRI in big, red, blocky letters on the cover as Ri closed her book.

Ri smiled, tapping her fingers on the table rhythmically and studying the girl for a split second before realizing she wore the diner logo on her evergreen polo shirt.

"You, uh, you work here?"

Joselynn glanced down at her uniform and rolled her eyes.

"Don't remind me. I just need some sort of steady income to get and keep my new apartment, after that, I'm going back to school."

"Yeah? What major?" Riri leaned in, subconsciously grabbing her coffee and taking a sip. She quickly remembered why she had barely touched it, cringing at the bitter taste.

"Psychology. Can I?" she said, pointing at Riri's mug.

"I wouldn't, but go ahead," she warned, passing it to her gently and watching as she had the same reaction.

"Eugh, absolutely not. Let me make whatever that is up to you."

"Oh, nah, I should probably start heading back home anyway."

Joselynn shook her head. "I insist. It's been slow today."

Reluctantly, Riri followed her to the bar area, eyeing her tattoos. A sleeve on the right arm, and a word she couldn't quite make out vertically under her ear. Joselynn unlocked the small swinging doors leading to the coffee and tea station and started to make Riri's drink.

"So, besides welding, what does Riri like to do?" she questioned, skipping right over the pre-ground coffee and grabbing a jar of chamomile and spearmint.

"Well, it's not just that. I make all types of shit, I've been building machines since before I can remember. My garage is like, the only place I can really think without distractions and shit."

Riri took a seat on the cushiony bar chair and rested her elbows on the counter, staring at the cold linoleum as if it were moving.

"I would be there right now, I should. But I can't even really focus there anymore either."

A sweet, herbal steam floated through the air and past Riri. Her eyes closed for a beat as she slowly inhaled the brewing tea.

"What's on your mind?" Joselynn softly urged, curiosity lacing her tone like the honey she poured and let run down the sides of Riri's cup. Ri's lips parted slightly before shutting again. What could she even say at this point? Tell the girl she just met at your favorite spot that she can't sleep at night because she's tossing and turning thinking about your stoic face as you walked out on her? Tell her that she's falling asleep in a diner booth instead of a bed that lacks your warmth? Saying the words aloud made it real. But maybe, Riri thought, it was finally time to face the music.

"You ever feel like you'll never get over something? Like no matter how much time passes, you'll be stuck in your head forever while the rest of the world just..."

"Keeps spinning?" Joselynn slid Riri's steaming cup of tea to her across the counter, grazing her hand purposely. "Well, you gotta find a way to spin with it."

Riri's head was nodding, but she didn't quite understand what Joselynn meant. The steamy fragrance of mint filled the air between the two girls as Riri tapped the side of her cup with her fingertips. "How? I mean.. like how do you pick yourself up? And.. spin with it?"

"Well," Joselynn leaned in, her eyes never leaving Riri's troubled face. "have you talked about it? If it's this heavy, you probably need to."

She didn't look back at Joselynn, just at her cup, the counter, the floor, her hands. She took a quick sip of the tea to avoid an answer, one that was inching to the tip of her tongue, and was pleasantly surprised at the sweet, earthy taste. A slight satisfied hum left her mouth, and she finally looked up to see Joselynn smirking above her, once again. Her eyes glimmered with understanding, something that called to Riri in this moment. As her lips began to separate and formulate the sentence that would finally push open the floodgates, her phone buzzed loudly in the pocket of her sweatpants; she retrieved it, eyes scanning the multiple missed messages and calls from Shuri.

"Shit," she groaned, fumbling for her car keys in her bag and sliding everything else into it. "Uh, thank you.. y'know, for the tea and everything, but I really gotta get home," she said as she hurriedly made her way to the door.

"Wait!" Joselynn blurted, busting through the swinging doors and retrieving a sharpie from her apron pocket. "I wanna make sure I see you around."

"Joselynn, I really need to get-"

She cut her off, grabbing her arm and writing a sequence of numbers on her wrist. Riri just barely melted into her touch before catching herself.

"Home. Yeah, I know."

ᨖ

By 1:50, Riri still wasn't home. Shuri was waiting on the couch by the lamp, legs crossed, pretending to be invested in the book on her lap. To be honest, it might as well have been upside down, because nothing in that book was as pressing as Riri. Her behavior for the past week had been so reckless, there was no telling where she could be or what she'd gotten herself into, and as the sound of faint jingling keys rang in Shuri's ears, she couldn't discern whether her shoulders were getting more or less tense.

A drowsy Riri walked through the front door and tossed her bag to the side. If it weren't for the lamp, she wouldn't have seen Shuri at all due to her exhaustion (which was bordering on disorientation). But she saw her, alright. Jaw clenched tightly, fist pressed firmly against her lips. She had a restless slump in her posture as if she'd been in that same spot for hours. Truth be told, she had. Besides the pacing and a bathroom break or two, she hadn't been anywhere but on that couch waiting for Riri.

"Where have you been?" Shuri asked, slightly gritting her teeth. Not out of anger; more nervousness. More caution. She could've been drinking, smoking, worse. There's no telling what she could've been getting into. Shuri wanted to be soft with her, express her true concern, but the past week had showed her that that wasn't her place anymore.

"I been out," Riri shrugged, sliding her hoodie over her head and bunching it up under her arm. She barely even looked in Shuri's direcrion, her feet dragging like sandbags were tied to them as her low eyes found her room door. Before she could take too many steps, Shuri placed herself in front of the girl.

"Out where?" she huffed. There was something about Riri's demeanor that was just.. different. She had the same dead-inside look painted all over her face, but underneath was just a speck of something else. Something warm under the flesh of Riri's cheeks. Something unfurrowing her brow. A comfortable distance between her shoulders and her ears.

"Are you drunk?" Shuri reached for Riri's face to study, but her hand was swatted as the shorter girl dodged her attempt.

"No! Can you move?"

"I just want to know wher-"

With only a pinch of hesitation, Ri forcefully pushed past Shuri and legged it to the end of the hall. The shoulder check partially stunned a hopeless Shuri as she watched Riri walk into her dimly lit room. On Riri's wrist, barely visible if it weren't for the slightest bit of light, Shuri noted the sequence of numbers. She lingered like a bad memory in the dark hallway, her chest rising with understanding; falling, and shuddering with disgust.

Riri's avoidant behavior and blatant neglect for her own good angered her, that was for sure. What Shuri wasn't grasping was what ran deeper. Riri just disturbed her, truthfully.

Not just her recent actions. Even before. Before the club.

Shuri; 3 weeks prior

"But what does it mean? Like, what could she want?" Shuri desperately inquired, her hands cupping her face. She rested flat on her back, her ankles crossed and legs outstretched along the wall.

"She just... shot you a text?" Nakia asked. "After a year?"

"-and a half," Shuri added.

Before Shuri and Riri went no contact after their breakup, they tried friendship for several months. They figured they were mature enough to watch each other fall in love from the sidelines. And for a bit, it was fine.

Then came the petty arguements, the finger pointing, choosing the toxicity of their situation over partners that could've been secure. It took only took a month or two of that disturbance of peace to decide it was best that they heal seperately. After that, nothing. For a year and nearly seven months, neither had reached out, or even attempted to. In Riri's mind, they did the mature thing. Surely, she thought, someday the past would be the past, and they could find each other at a much better spot in the future. So, a year and nearly seven months later, Riri picked up her phone and clicked send.

Shuri went to the only person she'd confided in about Riri--besides Okoye, certified devil's advocate--for some guidance.

"I mean, she could've at least called."

"Right?!" But what do you think it means, Nakia?"

Shuri swung herself around and upright, a little pout resting on her lips as she came to face her. Nakia's eyes reflected that she was at a loss, just like Shuri.

"Maybe," she spoke. "this is one of those things where you just have to go and see?"

Shuri; Monday, 1:55

Now, standing pathetically in the hallway of an appartment that didn't even belong to her with barely anywhere else to go, she wished she never heeded Nakia's advice.

Hurtful words stirred in her mind, but she couldn't quite make them out. Not until she had burst through Riri's door and they'd all come rushing out like the result of a broken dam in a violent river.

"What is this?" Shuri questioned, grabbing Riri's arm and holding up her wrist. "You're out getting numbers while I'm here worried sick?"

She quickly snatched her arm back. "Oh, so this is all about Shuri? Fuck off, man."

"It's about you, Riri! Just yesterday I couldn't get you out of bed because you were grieving Y/n like she died. Now you think you're ready for... this?! You never learn."

Ri let out a shuddery breath; whether the shudder was from amusement, frustration, or a mix of both, Riri couldn't decide.

"I never learn?" she mumbled back, just slightly above a whisper. "You wanna elaborate on that?"

Her eyes followed Shuri's every move with disdain.

"Don't play stupid with me like I don't know you."

"You know nothing about me."

The words normally would've hit Shuri hard, so hard that she'd just walk out. 2 years of dating, months of a shitty attempt at friendship, and she knows nothing about her?

"I know you better than anybody. Y/n is a lovely girl, I'll admit. But she didn't know you. Not the real you. Whatever facade you had up has shattered, sthandwa. You're a danger to yourself," Shuri practically snarled as she slowly inched closer to Riri. "and to her. I bet she's thanking her lucky stars she left you to loathe yourself while she properly heals."

Riri's breathing was growing uncontrollably heavy, her chest rising higher after every fall. She was gritting her teeth so hard she thought they might come loose and spill onto the floor.

"So this is about Y/n?"

"What?"

Riri rolled her eyes. "Ain' it? Or we finna act like my lady ain't leave me the second you showed up? Like you ain't wanted this shit."

"Wanted what?" she said, her eyes blazing in defense of herself. "Let's not forget who contacted who. I walked into all of this chaos blindly."

"Yeah, that shit was one of many mistakes I've made involving you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Good thing it's the last."

After a beat, Shuri excused herself from the apartment and made her way outside. She had no choice but to call the only other person she knew to.

ᨖ

Y/N; Monday, 2:10

Your phone buzzed like an angry hornet in your pocket as you set your drink down.

You tapped Amara, who was too caught up in her group conversation to hear you over the blasting music. When she finally turned, you leaned down to her level.

"Be right back, okay?"

"Where you going?" she yelled over the song blasting louder in the background every second.

"Outside, somebody's blowing up my phone."

When you finally stepped outside, the number on your screen was familiar, but unsaved. You picked up and waited for some sort of greeting.

"Y/N?" a desperate voice muttered.

"Shuri? That you? Is everything okay?"

There was a bit of silence on the other end before she took a breath and began to lie--something she was never very good at.

"Everything is great," she laughed flatly, tapping the back of her phone with her pointer finger.

"Oh, good. Well, if you didn't need anything--"

Shuri quickly surveyed her surroundings, feeling a thick heat seep slowly through the chilly breeze at such a late hour. She couldn't see their darkness, but the clouds above her were casting an uncomfortable gloom on the side of her face that the streetlights didn't hit. It was going to rain, no doubt about it. With the humidity somehow mixing with the nipping chill in the air, she was in for a long, cold, wet night.

"Wait, wait," she huffed as she ran a hand through her dampening curls. "I can't stay with Riri."

"What do you mean you can't stay with her?" You inquired, your voice toeing the line between confusion and worry.

She paced very lightly, but you could hear her irritated sigh shake as she moved.

"We got into it, so to speak. I'll be back sometime to get a few things, just not now. I can't now."

"What do you need from me?"

"Just a place to stay for the night. I can try to get my things and go home in the morning," she pleaded. Her voice slid up a few octaves, desperation apparent in her tone.

You juggled solutions; for one, you were drunk, and Amara was over the Shuriri drama, so there was no going to get her. Secondly, Amara paid for the way there, and you agreed to pay for her Uber back home. What you did know, however, was that your car was still in the parking lot of the complex. You hadn't bothered to return there to pick it up, and seeing as though Shuri was already there, a quick trip back inside couldn't hurt her.

You explained to Shuri that the spare key was under the mat, to which she snickered at your cliché. It took her no time to open the door, grab your car keys, and slip back out without disturbing Riri.

She found your car and hopped in, the lingering scent of you enveloping her senses.

"And you complained about me," she mockingly coughed. "I still smell you and it's been how long since you've been in here?"

"You're fine, just hold your breath." you teased her with her own rebuttal.

She laughed a hearty laugh as your keys jingled into the ignition. "That's fair."

Amara came creeping outside giggling, a nearly full can practically spilling out of her hand. "Don't hate me, but I like.. met a guy."

You raised an eyebrow and peeped at someone standing at the door behind her. The guy in question was not someone she just met. Quite the contrary; it was her ex, Noah. There was really no use in stopping her, they'd be back together in a matter of days anyway.

"How drunk are you on a scale from one to Shuri?"

"I'm at like, a Riri."

You squinted your eyes at hers. "You high?"

"Girl, no! Not that type of Riri. I'm good, I swear."

After one final look at her, you felt you could trust her judgment.

"Fine, go," you waved her off. "Long as I don't have to pay for that Uber I'm good."

"Actually," she winced and bared her teeth, her hands behind her back bashfully. "Kinda still need that 20.. he doesnt have a car."

You groaned, opened Venmo, and sent her the money, receiving a kiss on the cheek from her before she disappeared back into the heat of the party.

Shuri cleared her throat, reminding you she was still on the other line.

"My bad, let me send you the location."

"Oh, I'm already on the way."

Question marks raised. "You know where I am?"

"I have my ways, Sthandwa," she hummed, the sound of your janky engine sputtering as she stopped at a light.

You didn't know what that word meant, but you couldn't help but enjoy the way it rolled off of her tongue.

Shuri made it to you quickly, her left arm hanging out of your window like it was her own car. She watched your jelly legs as you stumbled lightly to the car and opened the passengers side.

"Oh, how the tables have turned," she joked.

"Oh not at all, I can handle my liquor. I just don't drink and drive."

You buckled your seatbelt and adjusted numerous things around your car that she had tinkered with. You fixed the angle of your rearview mirror, slid a bobblehead back to the left on your busy dashboard, and even reached over to buckle Shuri's seatbelt for her.

She chuckled at you and started the car. "Where to?"

You clicked around on your phone and sent her Amara's address, watching in your peripheral as her bracelet beads pinged and lit up. "What's that?"

Glancing down at her wrist, she replied, "We call them Kimoyo Beads. I upgraded the location settings on them before I came. It's how I was able to find you earlier; I connected them to the car."

"But I didn't send you the location?"

"I was also able to track down the call to get directions."

You reached out, then brought your hand back. "Can I touch them?"

She held her arm out to you. "Go bananas."

Slipping it off of her and onto yourself, your eyes scanned each and every bead, your amazement contagious as Shuri subtly observed you like you observed her armpiece. Raindrops decorated the foggy windows, their shadows casting onto your face.

When you two finally arrived, Shuri gently passed off your trusty umbrella and held her hand out for the housekey. "Can I?"

You nodded, allowing her your own hand to help you inside and to the kitchen. She sat you down at a stool by the island and leaned herself against it.

"Do you need anything? A glass of water?" She tilted her head as she spoke.

"That would be nice," you smiled.

She gave you a nod. "Say less."

She was so charming and alluring; the way she carried herself felt so genuine. For so long, you'd had your guard up. Even with Riri, who was also charming and alluring, but in a different way. Ri's charm was aggressive. It was loud and arousing, and just being in her essence felt like blunt smoke filling your lungs. She was intoxicating.

Shuri had a magnetic force around her, too. But not a core-of-the-earth type pull like Riri; Shuri was magnetic in a way that let you gravitate to her on your own. In a way that made you want to, slowly but surely. But you couldn't.

There was no way in hell you would do that to Riri, or put yourself in that suffocating spot between them. You just couldn't, you thought. You hadn't even officially broken up with Riri. Maybe Shuri's presence is just a sedative... Something to keep you from missing Riri again. Maybe you were just drunk. You couldn't.

You lowered your eyes and rubbed your face, your faux locs swaying side to side with your head. The sound of your glass of water hitting the marble brought your eyes back up.

"You alright?" Shuri asked with her back turned, her head poking and prodding around Amara's fridge. You furrowed your brow in amusement. "Just fine.. you hungry?"

"Thirsty," she groaned. "All Riri has in the fridge is cranberry juice and Coconut Cutwater. I've been surviving off of chicken broth and my own saliva."

She reached inside, pulled out a carton of orange juice, and held it up to the light like a talisman. "That's what I'm talking about! How hard is it to get normal juices?"

A hearty laugh escaped your chest. "Hey, don't act surprised; y'all go wayyy back if I'm not mistaken."

Shuri's smile faded. She tried to catch her eyes before they rolled, but failed. You caught it.

"What was that?" you inquired, leaning in.

"What?"

"Shuri?"

She set down her glass and the juice and took a seat across from you.

"Yes, Y/n?"

"What happened tonight?"

The sound of liquid pouring filled the silence Shuri was keen on maintaining; her eyes avoided your curious glare. You tiilted your head as she raised her glass to sip. The unknown was worrying to you. To be honest, you'd always miss Riri. Always love her. She could be an asshole--that, you knew for sure. And she was one more often than not. But she was your girl, and here Shuri was, unwilling to reveal what was going on with her. With them. Your mind raced; Shuri and Riri had history. There was no telling what had occured.

Your eyes, like lazer beams, burned into the glass blocking Shuri's face. When she finally set it down, she wiped her orange juice mustache and faced you.

"I think we should talk about it in the morning," she said.

You sighed. "It is the morning."

"Fair," she nodded. "But I'm sure we'd have a much more productive conversation later."

"Uhh, no. My cousin's house, my rules. What happened?"

Shuri let out a deep exhale before she started to speak.

"It's been a rough week for her," she started. "I tried to be patient with her; she was behaving like a wounded animal, I just felt so bad."

"But?" you urged. You didn't need the backstory. Shuri said she couldn't stay with her; you wanted to know why.

"But," Shuri continued, aware that you were rushing her, but not in any hurry to get to the point. "she's just been such an ass. Her room's a mess, and when you try to help her, she just starts cursing. She stays up all night and sleeps all day.. Doesn't eat a thing. It's wildly unattractive, I don't know how you put up with it."

She picked up her glass once again and took a quick sip. She knew her answer wasn't satisfactory, or even an answer at all. Maybe parts of one, but you both knew it wasn't the full story. There was a long beat before your mouth curled into a smile of disbelief.

"Are you seriously telling me a half-ass story right now?"

"Yes, I think."

"I can drop you back off over there in the rain if you want," you threatened with a gentle smile.

Shuri had already dealt with too much overwhelm, too many emotions. The second-to-last thing she wanted to do was piss somebody else off. But, the last thing she wanted to do was sleep in the rain.

"I do not want that."

"Then get to talking."

She sighed and slid her orange juice back and forth between her palms. "She left around 9 something last night. Allegedly went to that little café you like. She said she was working on something for you."

Your eyes lit up. Shuri shook her head.

"She came back at nearly 2 in the morning. I was just worried about her, you know? She had been coming in all times of night lately, but this was different. She was sort of different. She's naturally defensive, you know this."

"Yeah," you nodded along.

"But when I spoke to her then, she was just cold. Just mean. You're familiar with that disconnected tone. I know you've felt it."

You nodded again, the ache of knowing she hasn't changed much leaving a dull sting in the chamber of your chest. You didn't expect her to, not this soon. But it still sucked that it would take more time.

"Anyway, she went to her room, and right before she slammed the door on me I saw something. Numbers on her wrist."

"Numbers? Like Stranger Things?" you lightly joked. Shuri wasn't amused.

"Numbers, like cell phone numbers."

The upward curl in your lips sunk. Your eyes squinted.

"So... Riri was out getting numbers?"

"Well, just one technically," Shuri corrected, attempting to lighten the load of the situation. Somehow, just one was worse. Just one meant there was a connection. You swallowed hard and chugged your water down before pushing your chair out from under the table and walking away. Shuri bit her lip as she watched you silently storm off, worry apparent in her gaze. Her neck stuck out and around the corner you passed. She wanted to follow you, make sure you weren't too upset, but you had already closed the door to your room.

ᨖ

At home, Riri had finally pulled her head out of her hands and got herself together. She hadn't even gotten undressed, she noticed. Without even using her hands, she slid out of her sweatpants wearily and kicked them to the side of the room. When finding a shirt, she skipped past everything that belonged to her and dove straight for anything that you had left behind, which she had in a little pile in the corner of her drawer. She picked out the largest shirt of yours that she could find, one that nearly swallowed her up, and plopped back down in her firm bed.

In the deafening silence, now clear of both you and Shuri, there was a plethora of things to think about now, and infinite time to just keep thinking. She thought about all of the terrible, exhausting things that had happened over the past couple weeks. She thought about how alone she was. How it was so quiet now, she could hear herself blink. How, just maybe, it was her own fault, but she wasn't ready to admit that yet. But amid all of these negative thoughts, there was one that solaced her.

Joselynn. Her hands, etching perfection into your sketchbook. Her signature, just as graceful as her. Her sweet scent; something Riri couldn't quite place, and it was driving her insane. And most notably, her eyes. The sparkle in them as she listened to Ri with all of her attention. She thought, where had that been all of her life? Riri turned on her bedside lamp and turned her arm over. Softly caressing her wrist, she reread and recited the numbers in her head over and over again.

ᨖ

Shuri knocked ever-so-gently on your door, her head leaned against it. "Can I come in?"

"Yes," you called out weakly. Shuri didn't hear it, but she entered anyway.

She half expected to see you in just as bad a condition as Riri, tears streaming and snot bubbles popping. But you hadn't cried a bit. To be honest, you were upset that you two weren't fully broken up and she had gotten a number. You were even more upset that she just wasn't taking you or herself seriously. If she can't better herself for you, what gives off the impression that she's ready for something new? You were overflowing with disappointment, a dull, sucky feeling. Romance aside, you loved Riri like a best friend. It was hard to watch her make all of the decisions she was making, and not be able to talk some sense into her. Romance back at center, what the fuck was wrong with her?

Shuri sat on the edge of the bed, the warm light from the lamp hitting the side of her face just right. You couldn't help but stare.

"Look," Shuri finally broke the barrier of silence. "I know it sucks."

"She sucks," you corrected.

Shuri let out a giggle that untensed your shoulders. "That, too," she nodded. "But you seem to be doing well. Whether or not she gets her shit together, I am confident that you will be just fine."

You subconciously scooted closer to her. "What makes you say that?"

"You're strong. Funny. You've got a great head on your shoulders, and, unlike Riri, you're not pushing your support system away. There is no doubt in my mind that you can get over this."

You inhaled her words deep, uncertainty showing in your awkward smile. "Thank you, Shuri."

She shot you a wink and flashed a genuine smile, one that made your heart melt more than you'd like to admit each time you saw it. Before you knew it, your arms were wrapped around Shuri's shoulders as you subtly nuzzled into her neck for comfort. This sudden act of affection startled Shuri; her hands stuck straight out for a few seconds like a statue before she finally settled into your embrace. She even rubbed your back in light circles, her face softening as she physically felt you soothe in her arms. There was a sinking devastation coursing through her veins as your body heat began to cling to her in ways she hadn't felt in ages. It all felt so wrong, so low, the way she was feeling.

"Shuri?"

"Yes, Y/n?"

"Stay?"

Her circular motions slowed and her eyebrows arched downward. "In here?"

You nodded snugly into her cotton tee. "Please?"

You noticed the rapid beating of Shuri's heart and slightly loosened your grip. She pulled your arms from around her. As soon as your eyes were in her sight, she was careful not to let them go as she gathered her thoughts. Her throat was dry, and her mouth was getting there. You paused on her lips, which were slightly ajar, waiting, beckoning for her response. All you wanted was what she just gave you, just for one night. Just that shoulder to rest on, a place to just lay down everything you were holding onto. Maybe it was selfish, but couldn't you be? Just once? Didn't you deserve it?

Shuri's palm found the back of your head as she firmly guided you toward her, planting a soft, quickly fleeting kiss on your temple. Eyes closed, she whispered against your skin.

"Not tonight, nkosazana."

you stared at your phone in silence, a deadpan expression spread across your drool stained face. the audio message read 2 minutes and 15 seconds.

what did I get myself into? you thought, your mind already whirling under the effects of the alcohol.

you rubbed your face and propped yourself up on the bathroom floor, holding your phone above you. scanning the screen one last time and taking a deep breath, you hit play. it was bittersweet to hear your lover's voice again. you broke it off, swore to all of your friends that you were done, yet here you were. hearing her out again.

“ion even know where to start...”

she trailed off but regained her composure. her voice was firm and sure at first, but soon became fiery and shaky, breaking a little as she continued. her words were almost incoherent to your naked ear, but your heart felt every jab. she had no problem telling you about yourself, no matter the situation; it was something you hated and loved. everything she spat at you was nothing but true. how you could be a hypocrite, how you ran away from your problems instead of facing them.. you soaked in the words like vicious sunrays attacking your vulnerable skin. but no, you weren't the problem. how could you be?

riri was a monster. your stomach churned slightly at the thought of it. she was so soft at the beginning. she used to hold your hand, fall asleep on your chest, let you take the good hits and finished the roach herself so you didn't burn your lips. she hated the lipgloss you wore. it was too sticky and too sweet, “unnatural,” she'd call it, but she never missed a chance to kiss you. of course she'd wipe her lips after, but she loved it in the moment. being close to you, your presence, your aura. she admired your whole soul. everything about you mesmerized her, like a prized possession, and her persistence was a wonder to you.

you were equally infatuated with her at the beginning. as time progressed and you both kept fucking up, the hope of you two finally working faded away slowly. every argument drained you more and more. arguments that shouldn't have even been arguments. arguments that should've ended in riri falling asleep on your chest watching orange is the new black and whining about the plot twist that she accidentally missed. but they never did, you just yelled in each other's faces until the tension got thick and moved to the bed. it took you months to realize that wasn't the way to solve issues.

your mind snapped back to the phone as the 2 minutes and 15 seconds finally came to an end. your head began to throb as your thumbs danced around the keyboard, unsure of what letters to press to make anything better. you took an unsteady breath in, and immediately felt the nausea creep back up quickly. phone practically flying out of your hand and sliding across the tiles of the bathroom floor, you doubled over into the toilet and wiped your chin. weakly, you fell to the floor and flipped over, faced with the bright screen of your phone again.

inhale...

incoming call from ri (?)

your exhale was cut short and sharp. in your head, you chaotically debated whether or not you should answer, but you knew deep down, you had to. your misguided conscience wouldn't allow you to dodge an opportunity to be back with her again, not ever. in the midst of your debate, you found your finger lingering over the answer button, then pressing it softly. a few seconds of silence followed before she cleared her throat. her voice was raspy and worn, even a little aggressive, but all you heard was home. home is where you wanted to be. with her, in her room, in the dark just how she kept it. no need to see her. being in her arms again would be enough.

“you can't keep doing this to me, Y/N.”

her voice snapped you back out of your pathetic thoughts. you slid up against the bathtub and huffed. riri was a monster. you had to keep reminding yourself that or else you'd drive yourself insane.

“doing what, rianna?”

“actin' like you can't communicate with me. when have I ever made you feel like you couldn't talk to me?”

you couldn't think of a time she did. a pit was forming in your stomach. you stayed silent, the thought that you were the problem slowly settling on your mind.

“why can't we do better, y/n? i want better for us. figure out what the fuck you want.”

figure it out? what was she talking about? you had it figured out. you broke it off. a scoff escaped your lips before you hung up, but those words would haunt you.

►►►

the next week was rough. you jumped out of bed at the sound of your alarm blaring like a siren. usually, you'd wake up a few minutes before your 7:30 alarm to get yourself all straightened out and prepared to start the day, leaving plenty of time before your work alarm at noon. that day, as well as all week, you slept straight through your morning alarm and skipped to noon. “fuck,” you cursed sharply to yourself, swinging your legs off of the side of the bed and lagging slowly to the bathroom. after brushing your teeth and washing your face, you tried to shake off the sleepy. silly faces in the bathroom mirror didn't work like in the movies, you still felt like shit.

your closet was your favorite thing in the world. even on days like this where you wanted to stuff your face back into your pillow and keep snoozing, styling your clothes could always cheer you up a bit. you stretched and yawned before reaching into your closet and pulling out some baggy dark-washed jeans, a white tee, and a cute cardigan. pairing that with some pretty gold jewelry and timberland shoes, you stepped back in front of the mirror to observe the final product. something was off. your eyes glossed over your reflection before finally remembering; lipgloss. your lip liner and gloss made you look much more alive; almost impossible to tell that you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. you rubbed your lips together and were reminded how sugary it tasted, how she always complained about it. the thought of her wrecked your mood all over again.

after grabbing your keys and your laptop bag, you were off to work.

your job, surprisingly, was the highlight of your week. you loved the flashy outfits you and your coworkers designed and the way the models wore them so fiercely. being a designer was all you'd ever wanted to do. since grade school, fashion shows had fried your brain until your eyes went square like the TV. there was something so mesmerizing about it, but it was never the modeling that your heart followed; it was the clothing itself. the beautiful fabrics and the parings of colors were something you'd always wanted to be involved with, and here you were. doing just that.

you sat in your small office, the same jazzy elevator music as always playing softly as you finished the outline for a pantsuit you were beginning. you ran your finger across the smooth terrain of the sketch paper, mapping out just what length the sleeve fringes should stop at. “perfect,” you mumbled to yourself before hearing a firm rap on the door and setting your pencil aside. at the door stood marshall, your favorite male model, who also worked behind the scenes a bit as well. he peeked over your shoulder and into your office, immediately finding your sketchbook and pushing past your much taller frame to grab it. his green eyes, bright like orbs, lit up elusively. an unreadable expression painted his face before he pressed the book against his chest.

“y/n, there is no way you're letting someone else wear this!” he groaned and tossed the sketchbook down on your desk, pouting. you threw your hands up defensively, a slight smile coming to your face. you loved that others loved your work. marshall especially; he'd step on any of his fellow models' skulls to reach your office first and ensure that he wore your best. marshall was the shortest model in the whole agency. they say he got lucky, but no, he just has talent. raw talent, and a few inches of height can't out-model him. “relax, I haven't even bought fabric yet.”

“well, when you do don't notify the birds,” he lowered his voice to a whisper, winding his finger around the side of his head.

“be nice, you share a runway with those ‘birds,’” you giggled back, throwing up air quotes and grabbing your desk chair.

your phone buzzed rapidly in your pocket as you went to go sit back down, stopping you in your tracks. nobody called you while you were at work. everyone in your life was well aware of your schedule, and knew not to bother unless it was an emergency. in case of an emergency, however, you had do not disturb turned off. the buzzes were frantic, growing irritating the more you tried to ignore them. marshall studied your face, confusion painting his as he wondered silently why you weren't answering your phone.

“you should get that..” he said slowly, almost mockingly. your head reeled. while part of you was struggling to understand what the deal could be, the other part knew. deep down, it knew. you huffed and rolled your eyes at him, retrieving your phone from your back pocket and checking the notifications. a blanket of silence fell over the office, the only noise now being marshall chewing loudly on his bubblegum.

the cool, bright glowing from the screen of your phone casted a pale white glare in your blue light glasses as you stared at the phone nervously, a fingernail in your mouth. hopping down from your desk that he'd previously made his personal chair, marshall inched closer to you. “what's up? who is it?”

you gave him a look, a wistful, rueful look. realization struck in his mind and he nodded, bearing his teeth awkwardly. “remember what I told you. handle that. oh, and don't let nobody else wear my suit, kay?” he backed out of the door, giving you and the yearlong headache residing in your phone some privacy. disregarding the several missed calls from riri, you took some time to read her messages.

1:15pm:

we need to talk. in person.

you replied with a simple and sassy no, and turned the phone off, but after your shift, you spotted a familiar red Plymouth Cuda in the parking lot, and a familiar body leaning against it. you peered in disbelief out of the window and rushed out of your office and to the lot. your heart was racing, pounding so fast that you couldn't even keep up with the relentless hammering in your chest. she didn't see you, not yet, and she couldn't. not now. you threw your hand up in front of your face, but you could still feel the coldness of her gaze following you to your car.

“y/n?” she called for you. your feet scuffed the fresh concrete as you tried once more to elude her.

“hey!” she boomed. your feet had stopped moving entirely, your body still; stunned. her voice was heaven--no, hell--or maybe some unknown median. your stomach dropped as you subconsciously turned around to face her. it was all too grand, this one-sided rendezvous. the mere sight of her face brought back every memory you'd stuffed way back into your mind and shut out.

“y/n-”

you couldn't allow her the liberty of speaking first. “no. go home, riri.”

she was taken aback. every other time she'd reached out, there was no resistance on your end. even now, you wanted to run to her, to stop being so stubborn and give in, but you kept yourself grounded. you stood firmly in your place and faced her bravely, your jaw clenching as the flashbacks of the disrespect (which you were forcing yourself to replay in your head) were drowned out by images of you peppering her flushed face with kisses after her basketball games.

your breath hitched in your chest. the championship game was the most intense time for you and riri; you often went from girlfriend to coach. your eyes followed her busy feet as they squeaked on the gym floor. the was time running low and all eyes were glued to the ball bouncing from the ground and back to her hand. usually you'd be screaming for her, but this was different. you knew riri. you knew well that when she was lazer focused, you could easily knock that off with your presence, so you stayed quiet, practically holding all the air in your lungs. it was now or never, there were 5 seconds on the clock and she was at the three-point line. don't blow it, don't blow it, don't-

just as you were about to close your eyes, uncertain if you could watch, the ball twisted and turned in the air, tumbling towards the hoop at a lumbering pace. at the buzzer, you figured your mind must've been playing tricks on you. the ball smoothly fell through the nylon net. this was it. great pride filled your heart as you jumped up, screaming her name. as soon as she got off the court, you rushed off of the bleachers and straight to her, wrapping your arms around her and squeezing tight. “im so, so proud of you,” you muttered into her ear, your lips grazing her jawline, then pressing against her face softly in every spot you could find.

“you been dodging me.”

you snapped out of it, realizing you were only a foot or two away from riri now. she was smaller than you, and she often felt small within herself, which caused her to carry a big energy. the need to intimidate powered her like the engine of a rocket. she succeeded in intimidating you, especially when she wanted something from you.

“i have.”

your eyes flickered around. she noticed.

“why?”

you thought about why exactly you had cut contact with riri in the first place. its a buildup of shit, you'd say as an excuse, but what you truly wanted to say was:

you've ruined me for anybody else. i can't look into anybody's eyes without searching for the glimmer in yours. i can never find what i want in anybody and it drives me insane--you drive me insane. i can't be away from you, but i can't seem to get it right when i'm with you, and i can't be your friend because i am so deeply in love with you, riri, but i fucking hate you sometimes. i hate the way you get when we argue, i hate when i don't know what's wrong, i hate that i can't communicate with you properly. and maybe it's on me, maybe i'm just as much as the problem as you are. but it just shows that we aren't good.

but that was too much wasted breath, too much pouring out recklessly knowing where you'd end up in the next hour anyway. so you covered it up with its a buildup of shit, and hid behind forced eye roll and pretend hatred for her, but you could never truly hate riri williams. nobody could. her charm was admittedly irresistible and it worked magic on you every single time.

the slightest smile cracked--which you didn't understand--on her smug face. “you sure? or you just slammed my door in my face for attention because you know I'll show up to this job over you?”

you swallowed hard. the undermining of your maturity made your stomach turn. you'd never do that, not for that reason. she inched closer to you, leaning in to mutter something in your ear.

“get in the car.”

►►►

in the passengers seat of her dad's Cuda--which you'd never even touched before--you gritted your teeth subconsciously, your leg bouncing. “stop that shit, you making me nervous,” she commanded, her hand reaching over to steady your thigh. the bouncing slowed as you stared her down helplessly. you didn't want to go back to her, but you genuinely couldn't help it. she just had a sort of magnetism to her. “where are we going, rianna?”

“aye, what happened to ‘ri’? why you gotta pull out the government?”

rubbing your face in aggravation, you took a deep breath. “because it's still fuck you right now!”

she just looked at you through a nearby window as she passed an exit you knew all too well. your tone smoothed, softened, as you flew past an exit you knew all too well.

“and its still gon be fuck you after we get to your crib and do whatever you tryna do.”

silence filled the interior of the vehicle, pushing against the windows for an escape. the tension felt like carbonation in a tight can, and you were about to be the reason everything blows up. in your mind, you were banging on windows and trying to pry open car doors. in your mind, the car was locked and you had no hope whatsoever of escape. riri's presence, her energy alone was keeping you inside like loot in a safe. you weren't gonna leave. your eyes scanned the yellow lines on the road as they twisted and curved along the path she was taking you down. every heart string ejected from your chest as you stared out the window, silently screaming your head off as she pulled into her driveway and parked. neither of you exited the car yet.

“you're frustrated.” riri looked at you through your own mirror, limiting the places you could avert your eyes to. what a power move. “frustrated because...?” she left her statement open ended, waiting for you to finish it. you were practically boiling over. playing pretend was her favorite ploy; she'd pretend like she didn't know you were hurting. pretend like her actions weren't constantly in your face. constantly topics brought up in your circle of friends that has since decreased in number because you were, and still are, so damn tired of hearing rianna williams’ name. she interrupted your deep thought with her smooth voice again, turning entirely to face you, demanding your attention.

“what do you want?”

your heart jumped in your throat. that question was seared into your frontal lobe by now, repeated by riri so many times that you can predict right when she's about to pull it out of her inventory.

“i don't-”

“what, you'n know? you never know. that's your fucking problem.”

you took it on the chin. it was ri's turn to talk, because she was so good at it. you were too, but not when it came to her. you hated words with her. they always got removed and replaced with different words and malicious intentions that you would've never even imagined.

“you always tryna make me out to be evil, you ain't exactly the good witch either. you don't see this shit going nowhere, you just lying to fuck.”

she opened, exited, and slammed the driver's side door and you followed her to the porch.

“you really think that's all I wanted from you?”

she turned to you, then looked away, dismissing you on purpose.

“rianna, you know that's not all I wanted from you.”

fumbling with her keys with frustration all over her face, she let out a sharp exhale and a bitter chuckle. without giving you so much as another glance, she unlocked the door and walked in, tossing her keys to the side and plopping down on her couch.

“then what did you want?” she asked, looking down at the floor as she cracked her knuckles. “you making it seem like I'm evil and some more shit. how you think it feel to lose you? I fucking love you, y/n.”

her head fell into her hands slowly, and for the first time since she told you about her dad, she cried. lo and behold, riri williams was directly in front of you in all of her glory, sobbing silently into her hands. they failed miserably at catching her tears.

“why we can't just do right by each other?”

a shockwave of emotion washed over you as you stood in awe. it was starting to feel like there were 8 pound sandbags tied to all of your limbs; your knees felt weak at the sight of the girl you assumed was as strong as pure iron crumbling before you like old stone. she was in pain. so much of it that she couldn't even allow herself to keep pretending she was okay sleeping in an empty bed. and even when it wasn't empty, even when she had someone to take your place, it could never be the same. her nights were as cold as ever without the sound of your breathing and the warmth of your body under hers.

the words I don't know swelled up in your throat, but you forced them back down quickly and took a seat beside her on the couch. you half-expected her to flinch or scoot away, but it was apparent that she wasn't in any mood to be petty. riri had no walls up at this moment.

“I wish I had an answer,” you started, choking slightly on your words as her head raised to meet you at eye level. “but I'm just as lost as you.”

although you managed to keep eye contact, it was painful to see the tears sitting impatiently in her waterline threatening to spill over. subconsciously, your hand found hers, and you two were interlocking fingers.

“tell me what to do, riri.”

her eyebrows furrowed hopelessly, a sharp exhale cutting through the air.

“what?”

“you said I can't keep doing this. tell me how to stop. tell me how to make us work, how to make us better.”

riri was puzzled. for a while, she was almost certain your I don't know's were just excuses to avoid communication, to cut your conversations short, but at this point, neither did she. the both of you knew there was an issue. hell, you were falling apart right in front of each other, but you had no clue how to fix things. there was more that needed to be said, that was absolutely for certain.

you just didn't know what.

riri just didn't know what.

your teeth were bars of ember entrapping your tongue, holding back words that you hadn't even formulated. no matter how hard you two tried, there would always be a muzzle on you.

riri took a deep, defeated breath and dropped your hand.