This one time at school, I had a lesson about time. The lesson wasnāt taught by the teacher I normally had, instead we had our regular supply teacher Mrs Phillis. I remember thinking how funny it was that Mrs Phillis was teaching us a lesson on time because the woman was so ancient and wrinkly that I considered it a strong possibility that she may have been around when time was invented. Anyway, we were in our classroom and there was old Mrs Phillis standing in front of the whiteboard with her white, curly hair and her long black dress. She looked a bit like a barrister wearing a powdered wig.
Mrs Phillis pursed her thin lips until they resembled a dogās bottom and croaked to the class.
āToday, year three, weāre going to be learning about time. And to start the lesson off, weāre going to be doing a little experiment.āĀ
Oooh, an experiment! Great stuff, I thought. I love doing experiments. I wondered to myself what kind of experiments weād be doing with time. Maybe, I thought, weād be seeing the effects of time on an orange to see how long it would take until it goes all green and furry and dripping in nasty liquid and stinking. No, Mrs Phillis wasnāt like that. Mrs Phillis was a dull old prune, there was no way she was going to let an orange fester under her hooked nose. Plus, it would take way too long for an orange to mould, way longer than just one lesson and I wasnāt sure how many more lessons Mrs Phillis had left, to be totally honest.Ā
āI need you all to listen to me very carefully.ā Mrs Phillis wheezed āTo help us learn lengths of time, Iād like you all to close your eyes and raise your hand when you think a minute has passed.ā
I knew how long a minute was. A minute has sixty seconds in it, I knew that already, so I thought that if I could count to sixty I would reach a minute exactly.
āIf any of you manage to put your hand up the second a minute has passed, Iāll give you this.ā Mrs Phillis rasped, producing from her black leather handbag a shiny, golden wrapped chocolate bar. The packaging was undeniable, it was A Caramel Crunch. There was a collective gasp from each and every one of my classmates. Oh, how I loved a Caramel Crunch. I was going to win that Caramel Crunch. I could taste that delicious caramel wafer, covered with a thick layer of chocolate and that gooey, fudgey centre. Hnng! Iām going to have that Caramel Crunch.
āNow, if you havenāt already, close your eyes.ā Squawked Mrs Phillis āIām going to count to three, now. When I reach number three, Iāll start the timer. Just put your hand in the air when you think a minute has passed.ā
I closed my eyelids tight. Okay, time to go through the plan, I thought. There are sixty seconds in a minute, so all I need to do is count to sixty. But how long is a second?
āOne.ā the ancient woman called.
How long is a second? I asked myself. How am I meant to know if Iām counting at the right speed? What if I go too fast, put my hand up early?
āTwo.ā the semi-mummified teacher coughed.
Iāve got it, I thought. I know how long a second is! My dad counts each number out loud and says āMississippiā after each one when we play hide and seek because he says that āOne mississippi is the same length of time as one second.ā Iām a genius! Iām going to have that Caramel Crunch.
āThree.ā said elderly Mrs Phillis.
Mrs Phillis pressed a button on a stopwatch and I started counting in my mind, immediately. One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi. The class was deadly silent. Four Mississippi, Five Mississippi, Six Mississippi. Every single one of us, intensely concentrating. Seven Mississippi, Eight Mississippi, Nine Mississippi. No matter how hard they concentrate, I thought, none of them can possibly guess when a minute has passed. Thirteen Mississippi, Fourteen Mississippi, Fifteen Mississippi. Iāve got this, I thought, that Caramel Crunch is in the bag. Nineteen Mississippi, Twenty Mississippi, Twenty-One Mississippi. It was clear my cleverness was going to outmatch everyone, who would have thought to count in Mississippiās? Twenty-Eight Mississippi, Twenty-Nine Mississippi, Thirty Mississippi. I mustnāt get distracted, stay focused. Thirty-Seven Mississippi, Thirty-Eight Mississippi, Thirty-Nine Mississippi. By now, I'd started to scrunch my face up and I could feel my cheeks burning slightly red from concentrating so hard. Forty-Six Mississippi, Forty-Seven Mississippi, Forty-Eight Mississippi. I suddenly realised Iād stopped breathing, from counting so hard. A quick breath canāt hurt. Fifty-Five Mississippi, Fifty-Six Mississippi, Fifty-Seven Mississippi. Nearly there! Iāve done it! Iām about to cross the finish line. Fifty-Eight Mississippi, Fifty-Nine Mississippi, Sixty Mississippi! My arm shot up into the air at lightspeed and as soon as my fingers touched the sky Mrs Phillis cawed
āTimeās up! Keep your eyes closed and lower your hands.ā
I lowered my hand. The class remained silent in hesitation. I knew Iād won, I knew Iād put my hand up just as a minute passed. Why else would haggard Mrs Phillis tell us time was up right after I raised my hand?
āOnly one of you managed to put your hand up at the correct time.ā Crowed Mrs Phillis. āAnd I had to wait two and a half minutes for the last person to raise their hand!ā
Two and a half minutes, I thought, who on earth had been sitting there with their hand by their side for two and a half minutes?! What an idiot, what a loser one of my bumbling classmates had been. I hoped it was Bradley, I loathed Bradley. Wouldnāt it be hilarious to ridicule Bradley for his catastrophic failure. How did he get it so wrong? If I put mine up when a minute had passed and Mrs Phillis called time only a second after, how could Bradley have still been a minute and thirty seconds later?
āYou might want to pay extra attention this lesson.ā Mrs Phillis smiled at me āIāve had anyone take quite that long to guess when a minute had passed.ā
āIt canāt be!ā I said, āI counted to sixty Mississippis! Thereās sixty seconds in a minute, miss, and I counted to sixty Mississipis, miss! There must be a problem with your stopwatch, miss!ā
āCounting to Sixty is harder than you might think.ā Mrs Phillis Replied āBut the person who correctly guessed when a minute passed and the winner of my Caramel Crunch isā¦ā
The Class took in a sharp breath.
āBradley!ā
