#chickenhawk

CHARLIE: 

Charlie was… going to leave. 

It still didn’t feel real. He supposed it didn’t necessarily have to be real either. Charlie could always change his mind. Cancel his plane ticket, eat the cost, tell his mum that he’d rather stay in Swynlake after all. There was one or two nights where Charlie really felt like he was going to do that, but then the fear faded, and instead, Charlie was… excited. He still couldn’t even believe his mum had said yes! But she’d been happy for him, getting out of that town. But duh. Of course she was. She’d always said that town was the reason she’d left in the first place.

He knew it was more complicated than that. He knew that his mum was only using Swynlake as an excuse.

But it would be nice to not have Swynlake between them. He wondered what his life was going to look like now. He used to be scared of that question but now, he wanted to answer it. He wanted to see.

Buuuuuuuuut first he had to um… maybe say goodbye to Jim. 

This, and leaving Lana, were the two things that made Charlie want to stay the most. Especially Jim. Not because he was in love with him or anything like that-- but because he felt like there hadn’t been enough time with him yet to even, maybe, fall in love. Charlie had wasted so much of the time they did have being unsure and anxious and not knowing enough about himself. With Lana, he knew they’d text every day and cook over Zoom and check in about YanYan. But what did his relationship with Jim look like now, when they’d just started over? 

He was nervous, but it wasn’t like he could avoid the conversation either. So Jim came over, and Charlie cooked them dinner (a delicious curry) and as they sat down, he knew he had to bring it up. 

“So um… I kinda have… big news,” he started, then reached up to push at his glasses anxiously. 

JIM: Jim was graduating soon and he basically had fuck-all to show for it. 

Okay, maybe that wasn’t true, but sometimes it felt like it. He’d applied for jobs (still hadn’t heard back from NASA, but was he really expecting to?) and now the rejections were starting to roll in. Hell, even the United States Air Force didn’t want him. Apparently everything in his field of expertise required either the ability to differentiate colors (pilot, nuclear engineer, astronaut, ect.) or some magical something that he didn’t possess. It was going to be fine, he knew that, but right now it all felt a little demoralizing. 

But he still had a couple of months and right now he didn’t need to be worrying about it. Right now Jim was going to have a nice night with Charlie and not think about how his school life was coming to an end and he was going to have to be a real adult with a real job that he might not even like. 

Well, okay, he was going to try not to think about it. 

It was easier to enjoy the moment, though, when Charlie was in front of him, his whole apartment smelling delicious and his hair all mussed up on his head. Jim smiled at his boyfriend, his heart squeezing in his chest, and sat down across from him. He was just about to take a bite when Charlie spoke, and Jim froze. 

It was only for a second–his mind betraying him and coming up with all sorts of scenarios that could be bad–but Charlie looked excited, kind of, mixed in there with his nerves, and Jim softened, his smile warming even more. 

“Yeah?” Jim asked, rasing his spoon to his mouth and taking a bite. The food was delicious and he chewed happily for a couple seconds, nodding. “Oh my god this is so good. Wow, I can’t believe you made this.” He put his spoon down and wiped his mouth with his napkin. “What’s the news?” 

Jim longed to reach out and take Charlie’s hand, but he didn’t–not yet. He knew sometimes Charlie just needed a little space to sort out his thoughts and form them into words and Jim let him have it.

CHARLIE: 

Ugh, he felt kinda guilty about all this. 

That emotion didn’t come from a logical place, but then, when did emotions come from a logical place? Still, he and Jim had been dating maybe two months. Maybe. It had been sweet, and slow, and natural, Charlie not thinking too much about what was or wasn’t a date. He’d gotten better at reaching out to hold Jim’s hand first. He liked cuddling when they watched movies. It was honestly about the same as it had been when they were friends, with the added bonus of Charlie knowing that Jim got fuzzy feelings the same way that Charlie did-- and it was nice to be wanted that way. 

But there was more for Charlie to learn. He didn’t know what this relationship would look like at the six month mark, if they got there, or even a year mark. Maybe Charlie would feel more comfortable kissing Jim, or maybe not. Maybe they’d want to move in together. Charlie had a feeling he wasn’t going to get to know.

It was tempting to try to flash forward into the future and check it out himself. Where was Jim? Where was he? Maybe it would make this conversation easier. 

Because right now, he felt like there was only one way this conversation ended: with an ending. Them. Done. 

His heart pattered nervously at the idea. 

Charlie swallowed again, putting both his hands in his lap so he could rub at the sweat beading between the lines of his palms. “Um… okay, I guess-- I told you my dad was moving because of that insane Swynlake takeover, yeah? Well, I’ve been talking to him and also my mum, she’s um, she’s a psychology professor in Toronto and-- I think…” he hedged his news, like maybe it could change (and honestly, maybe it could! Maybe he’d change his mind!) 

“I was thinking I’d-- I’d go to Toronto actually, and um, transfer-- finish my med degree at their university.” 

JIM:

The first thing Jim felt was proud. 

Toronto was a much bigger place with so many more opportunities and he was very glad that Charlie was considering going there to take advantage of that and also see his mother. As someone who had a very good relationship with his own mother, Jim couldn’t be happier about that. 

The next thing he felt was a little more complicated because, even though his own schooling was ending and he was going to be thrust out into the world to get a job and figure out how to be an adult, he couldn’t leave Swynlake. This was a new development, something that he’d been forced into by the nature of Swynlake’s magic and his pact with the knights. 

Jim didn’t know if Charlie would want company in Toronto, but if he did, Jim couldn’t give it to him. At least not for a while.

This was a presumptuous thought and he shoved it down, his smile growing. 

“Charlie, that’s so awesome!” Jim said, and he meant it. Gone were his reservations about closeness and he reached out and grabbed Charlie’s hand. “There are probably so many opportunities there and you’ll get to see your mom! That’s gonna be so great.” 

“Do you um,” he started then stopped and cleared his throat just a bit. He was going to miss Charlie so much, but he didn’t want that to influence Charlie at all obviously. And Charlie didn’t exactly know that he couldn’t leave Swynlake and Jim didn’t want to make this about him. “Do you know when you’re going to leave?” 

And now that the words were out it was harder for Jim to ignore the part of himself that wished he could leave too or that Charlie could stay. Swynlake wouldn’t be Swynlake without Charlie. 

CHARLIE: 

When Charlie talked to his mum about this, part of him had thought she really would turn him down. After all, it had been well over a decade since he’d like-- lived with her. That she was a mum. And she had had a brand new life for a while that he visited like a tourist, and that new life even had a step son in it, so it wasn’t like she missed out on the whole mum experience. 

But he was wrong. She’d been very excited. She gushed about it, asked how soon he could come, and had even started sending emails to the admin while on the Zoom call with him. He’d never seen his mother like that. It grated against the idea he had of her--of the woman who abandoned him and his father because she didn’t...care. 

All of the different times his dad bad-mouthed her stacked up in his brain. Some of it was fair, some of it wasn’t. For most of his life though, Charlie had simply adopted the narrative as nonfiction, instead of something filtered through his dad’s eyes. 

Though his mum had also changed-- Charlie’s stepbrother, Sebastian, had moved out a while ago to get his own degree, leaving Charlie a room and everything. She wasn’t cutting her teeth as a newer professor, not balancing motherhood with her career, not fighting to get published or to talk at conferences. She had settled. Maybe that meant she was ready to get to know him more. 

And maybe Charlie was being too forgiving but hey, that’s how he was. And honestly, Jim had helped with that. They’d talked about their mums, and Jim had always been so warm and loving. It had made Charlie jealous for that relationship that for years he thought he might not get to have.

And here, a second chance. 

It was just coming pretty fast. 

“Oh well… honestly, I could probably enroll by next semester,” Charlie confessed with a blush, feeling guilty despite all these exciting possibilities. “I was uh, scheduled to go to Toronto for the winter break anyway so my mum and I were talking about me just-- buying a one way ticket.” A pause. “I know that’s...really soon.” A second pause, then a compulsive, “I’m sorry.” 

JIM: 

Next semester was really soon, Jim was thinking when Charlie mentioned winter break and Jim’s brain screeched to a halt. That was very soon. That was like, right after Jim was going to graduate from this place and be stuck here for a whole year before he could go out and do anything. That was…rough. 

For him. 

Not for Charlie, who Jim was still very excited for even if he was sad for himself. There was no way he was going to ask  Charlie to stay. He didn’t even want to stay here and a year might not even be that bad. They could still talk to each other sometimes. They were friends after all and–

“Hey,” Jim said, his face hardening just a bit. “Don’t say sorry for deciding how you want to live your life. I mean, sure, it’s really soon, and yeah I’m kind of sad because I’m going to miss you while I’m still here, but I think it’s really good for you.” 

Jim’s face softened again and he smiled. “I’m really excited for you that you’re gonna go live with your mom. Was she excited when you asked her? She probably was with the one-way ticket and all.”

CHARLIE: 

Jim was good. No, Jim was...great. 

Charlie’s face softened and he smiled the kind of smile that came with goodbyes. He could pretty much hear it in Jim’s voice. It wasn’t anything different than what he expected, really. Actually, he’d been dreading Jim being upset, calling him selfish, or trying to guilt him into staying. Or maybe just breaking up with him on the spot. 

But Jim was great. Jim just wanted to celebrate with him, which was awesome, but it just reminded Charlie of how much he was going to miss this boy, this boy he’d just gotten his second chance with. 

Charlie sure had shit timing, didn’t he? Way to...get his emotional issues together just in time to leave his new relationship anyway! Good going, dude! 

Charlie tried to ignore all those feelings, at least for now. After all, this was supposed to be good news. 

“Oh yeah. It was pretty surprising honestly. I always thought…” pink creeped onto his cheeks. “Er, it’s not that my mum’s bad or mean or anything, she… well, when she left when I was little, I guess I just thought it meant she didn’t want to be my mum. Obviously that’s stupid,” he added quickly. “All in my head, I guess. Had to do with my uh, magic problems-- anyway! Anyway, she was pretty happy and surprised. Could always be because she just hates Swynlake that much though,” said Charlie with a bit of a self-effacing chuckle. 

JIM: Jim knew they were going to have to talk about what this meant for them, even though that was such a stupid thought. Like, yes, they needed to talk about it because it was important, but Jim didn’t really want to. Maybe if he just didn’t, they would magically figure everything out and he wouldn’t have to feel the sadness that kept trying to creep up on him. 

So, instead of mentioning that part just yet, Jim reassured Charlie.

“Aw, man, I’m sure she’s really excited to see you,” Jim said, taking Charlie’s hand in his. “That’s gonna be really awesome, getting to hang out with her and stuff, and you’ll be in a much bigger place than here which is also neat. There will be so many things to do.” Jim smiled at Charlie and shrugged. “You have to make sure you keep me updated.” 

And because he had to, Jim did. 

“Also like, I’m gonna miss you, you know. And I totally get it if you think we should break up and I still want to be your friend which means you won’t get out of talking to me.” 

CHARLIE: 

“I don’t really wanna break up,” Charlie admitted swiftly, easily, but also with cheeks the colour of a fire engine. 

He didn’t know if that was an option, honestly. Charlie knew that Jim was technically still finishing up school, and also that he was applying to a bunch of places...most of them back in the States, because that made sense, his mum was there and Jim loved his mum. So maybe this conversation would have happened anyway, just a few months down the line. The two of them finding each other was a fluke of the universe, a single point of convergence. They were maybe only meant to know each other for this short period of time before their paths split off and they went to live their separate lives. 

After all, it wasn’t like they’d dated long enough to talk about… those big things. Living together. Being real, true, committed life partners. Charlie thought that one day he could be ready to have that conversation with Jim, but right now he baulked at the thought. They just didn’t know each other well enough. 

But he didn’t want to break up. “But I know… I guess I’ve never done long distance or anything. If you um...if that isn’t something you want…” Charlie trailed off. 

JIM:

Jim hadn’t realized how much tension he’d been holding in his body until he let it go as soon as Charlie said he didn’t want to break up. They hadn’t been together long, but Jim was really enjoying their relationship. They were honest with each other. They were themselves and Jim really enjoyed Charlie as a person and as far as he knew Charlie enjoyed him too. They were good together, and Jim hadn’t wanted that to end. 

Plus, Jim didn’t really have anything against long distance. He’d never really tried it before, but he knew he really liked Charlie and he knew that fact didn’t depend on seeing him in person every single day. Even on days they couldn’t see each other–on days where they were both very busy at separate times and their paths couldn’t quite cross, Jim still liked Charlie more than most people. 

Charlie being in Canada wasn’t going to change that. And who knew? Maybe after the year was over, Jim could be in Canada too. It was closer to home. 

Jim smiled. “I don’t want to break up either,” he said. Simple as that. “I think we would be great at long distance, personally. Plus you’ll be off doing your thing and you’ll be happy and I’ll be here finishing up school and trying to figure out what my thing is going to be which is really important and if everything goes well, I mean maybe I’ll be able to come visit you in a year, you know? It’ll be fun. Plus we’ll still have the stars. Those don’t care about distance.” 

CHARLIE: 

When Charlie’s dad first told him he was leaving Swynlake, Charlie thought it was the end of the world. 

It had felt like one of his worst nightmares, not so much because Charlie loved Swynlake all that much, but rather...because it was the only thing he’d ever known. He’d spent over twenty years doing things a certain way. He was always prepared. He was always prompt. As long as he had his routines, Charlie managed to create stability despite his unstable magic. So disrupting all that? Scary as hell. 

But then Charlie let go, just a little, of all the things he’d known. He probably wouldn’t have been able to do that a year ago, or a year before that. But he’d started getting used to weird, unpredictable, and shifting timelines. He even started to like it. 

It wasn’t the end of the world anymore. It was the beginning. It was like a voyage to a distant planet, even if, obviously, Canada wasn’t that far, all things considered. 

And he didn’t have to give up the things he loved most. Not Lana, and not Jim. Heck, maybe he’d...no, he’d definitely be back. Charlie didn’t know when but when he pictured his future, Swynlake was in it, in one way or another. 

For now though, his future could be this wide, unknowable thing, with a few anchors to keep him from spiraling out into nothing. Jim could be one of them. 

He smiled widely, his nerves all falling off. Charlie even reached for Jim’s hand again and clasped it tightly. “You’re so right,” Charlie said. “I think we can do it too. I’m-- I’m so glad. I’m actually really happy right now.” And his smile got even wider, Charlie laughing a little. “I feel like I woke up in someone’s much cooler life.” 

JIM: 

Jim got it. 

He felt like that too, sometimes, when he stopped to really look around at what he was doing. Here he was in this, admittedly, kind of weird town that kept him on his toes, getting a great education and meeting amazing people. All his teachers were great, his friends were awesome, and he had Charlie too. 

Just because Charlie was moving on to do bigger, cooler things, didn’t mean that Jim was losing him and he thought that was probably the coolest thing of all. 

“Nah,” he said, chuckling. “This is your life and you’re a badass, Charlie. Seriously. You worked hard for it and now you get to go off and have this amazing adventure. And I’ll totally be there for you every step of the way, even if it gets kinda hard sometimes, you know? And when you’re doing that, I’ll get to figure out all my shit so that by the time I can leave this place, I’ll know what I’m doing.” 

Jim smiled at his boyfriend. “You gotta promise to send a lot of pictures!” 

CHARLIE: This is your life. 

Yeah, it was. 

His life– something that had always felt controlled by a different set of hands. He used to not give it much thought. It was always get through one day, then get through the next. He worried too much about a distant future he couldn’t control that enjoying the present had been next to impossible. The craziest thing about all this though was he couldn’t pinpoint the moment everything changed, you know? And that was probably because there wasn’t a moment. There was a thousand moments. Maybe a million. They added up, second by second, into a life where he wasn’t lonely or isolated or worried anymore. 

He didn’t get here on his own. But now he was ready to be more independent. What would his life look like a year from now? 

He wasn’t scared. He wanted to find out. 

“Of course. I won’t shut up, don’t worry about that,” Charlie said. “And I’ll be there for you too. I know you’re gonna figure it out.”