The win the badminton and volleyball match the same day that Acid wrote the slogans and as a result the song Main Pucha Chand Se is stuck in the group. When they all go out for dinner, Arunika is still humming the song, one arm around Maya's shoulders and grinning. Maya laughs along with her, her cheeks full of colour after a long time.
"Stop flirting with your brother's girlfriend, Aru." Acid says, leaning over to steal a piece of paneer from Arunika's plate.
She lets him, because she absolutely dislikes the taste of paneer. She shrugs. "Well, someone ought to." The pointed glare she throws at Aniruddh has him shrinking back and hiding against Derek. Maya squeezes her knee, sending her a look that's half hopeful and half forgiving.
Derek shifts away immediately. "Oh, no, I'm not saving you from Aru. I like my soul inside my body, thank you very much."
"Kaise bhai ho, yaar." Aniruddh mutters, talking the glass of lassi and drinking it to hide his face from further scrutiny.
Derek shrugs,"Samjhdaar."
Arunika grins, absolutely triumphant. She goes to say something but Maya clears her throat. "Aru, khane pe dhyan de?"
"Just for you." Arunika says, once again pointed. Sexa, tired of the slight tension, leans against Derek and sings obnoxiously,"Maine pucha Aru se, ki dekha hai kahi, mere yaar sa haseen, Aru ne kaha Maya ki Kasam, nahi, nahi, nahiโ"
Derek immediately shrugs away Sexa's arm, looking as if he's regretting his decision to sit between two idiots rather than sitting at the open end of the table like he usually prefers. (It wasn't really his decision, Aniruddh had really good puppy eyes and even Derek "Puppy Eyes" D'Souza wasn't immune to them). His cheeks flush red and he looks at Arunika for a second before shaking his head and glaring at Sexa in an attempt to steer the younger man away.
Arunika herself is glaring at the idiot. She knows Sexa and Acid are both very well aware of her slight crush on Derek but she's never before seen them tease her about it publically.
"Buddhi vagar na baladiya j bhega thaya che." She mutters, glaring at him. "Chup chap khana kha Sexa, varna maar khana ho toh bol."(Only brainless bulls have gathered here.)
Aniruddh clears his throat. "Evu? Kem bau lagi aayu ena kai kehva thi?"
(Oh? Why are you so bothered?)
Arunika licks her lips and tries to answer her brother, his eyes sharp and piercing. Aniruddh has this thing about him, he can detect lies from anyone almost immediately, especially Arunika. Both of them are extremely tuned to each other and she cannot get away with even deflecting.
Arunika clears her throat. "Uhm, ae toh, etle keโ ave tu aavi rite jois toh hu su kau?"
(Uhm, that, I meanโ if you look at me like this, what am I supposed to say?!)
Acid leans towards Mummy. "Translation dega ya fir uski likhit arzi du?"
"Mummy, say one word. I dare you." Arunika narrows her eyes at the man who just nods hurriedly and looks down back at his stuffed paratha. She looks back at Aniruddh and knows that her brother is going to pull her aside for a talk that's long overdue.
It's not going to be fun.
____________________________________________________
Aniruddh corners her later, when Maya is being dropped to the hostel by Derek on his bike and Aniruddh had insisted that he'll walk his sister to her hostel. "You wanna say something?" He asks with a raised eyebrow. Arunika gulps.
She knows he's acting all protective brother currently but she also knows that her brother wouldn't really protest anything that Arunika wantedโ he is a sucker for Arunika's happiness. And truly, it isn't like Derek is a bad person and she should be ashamed of having a crush on him. No, on the contrary, Derek is really a good person all around. (It just helps that he's so handsome to look at.)
Arunika clears her throat. "I have a huge crush on Derek. I was in denial about it up until this morning, but I had this weird dream about us all going to watch a movie and I woke up feeling very grumpy because Derek wasn't sitting beside me in the dream."
Aniruddh drags a hand down his face and sighs. "Why didn't you tell me, Aru?"
"Arre, did you even have to tell me about Maya?" She asks, looping her arm around his after she's sure he won't explode over her protectively. "It's sort of like like that. You realised how much you liked her and acted accordingly. I didn't even realise how much I liked him but I still acted very... differently than I would have with anyone else."
Aniruddh wrestles his arm away from her and drapes it around her shoulders instead, pulling her snugly into his side as they neared the garden near the hostel. "I know, I know. I did suspect something from the way you always look at him after greeting me. Though, I'm glad to know I'm not being replaced."
"Don't you dare ever think that," She swats his stomach,"You're my brother, my twin. You're half my heart. Derek is a different category altogether. And the reason I'm paying extra attention to him is that he told me he quit smoking and I just wanted to make sure that he wasn't suffering from withdrawal or relapsing."
Aniruddh grins down at her,"Whatever you say, Laila."
Arunika groans. "You have to stop teasing me! You know, Sexa and Acid somehow figured it out before I did and then they used me as a shield this one time Derek was really mad about the tryouts andโ"And just like that, the words are spilling out of her mouth. How she had stayed up late and finished the notes that required, with extra care and colour coding it too so that it'd be easier for him. How she'd bought him a milkshake today. How being around him doesn't feel as threatening as being around another man of the same stature would.
Instead, with Derek, she feels a sense of safety and comfort, something that she hopes that he feels as well.
When Aniruddh asks about her pen in Derek's hand, she only tells him the summary of what Derek had told her a while ago. "He's experiencing withdrawal. I think he may have some fidgeting habits, I gave him an alternate to fidget with, instead of something bad."
She doesn't tell him about the physical contact. Arunika feels the phantom warmth of Derek's weight on her shoulders even as she thinks about the moment and banishes the thought because she's walking with her brother, for fucks sake.
Aniruddh sighs heavily. "Look, I don't mind your crush. Hell, I wouldn't even mind if he reciprocates, he's a good man and I can attest to that. But, are you really sure about this, Aruni? He's our senior. He'll be out of the college in nine months. What about after that? You'll still have to be in college for two more years after him and I don't want to see you suffering in any way."
Arunika shrugs. She's thought about this too. Even if she doesn't always feel like she could get a man like Derek, she's thought about the plausibility of it and the consequences. "To be honest, Annu, I think he's a person that I'd like in my life, especially romantically." She says, her voice lowering as they return towards the hostel. "If we somehow get together before his year here ends, I, personally, would do my best to not change at all as long as we stay in contact with phones or letters or something. He's important to me, Annu. But at the same time, I won't lose myself if we're not in the same place."
Aniruddh nods. She knows he wants to protest and prod at the possibility of a relationship strained with distance, but they're already at the hostel and Derek and Maya are looking at the two of them with enough concern to drown them both.
"Imagine mom and dad's reactions when we bring a bahu and a jamai and two degrees and two jobs from this college." Aniruddh whispers in her ear. Arunika bursts out laugh, loud and obnoxious, as she leans into Aniruddh for walking. She doesn't even remember to mockingly swat him for calling Derek her future husband.
"Did you get your sister drunk?" Derek asks and straightens up immediately as Arunika nears him, looking like he's ready to catch her if she stumbles.
Aniruddh shakes his head,"Iska roz ka hai. If she laughs while walking, she can't walk straight. Only God knows how she's still alive."
It's very true, actually. Arunika has had multiple bruises on her hip and legs just because she closes her eyes while laughing and walks. By now, their parents and Aniruddh are used to it. Maya snorts.
"Let's get you in the hostel before Malti Ma'am thinks we're kidnapped."
Arunika waves her hand dismissively. "She adores me." She turns back to the men, Aniruddh now seated behind Derek on the bike. "Drive safely, you two. And go to H-4, no detours."
"Ji, Maharani." Derek grins at her, but the rugged effect is ruined because his eyes are so big and his hair is windswept and Arunika really wants to cup his cheeks and kiss his forehead. But, that's not allowed. So she kisses Aniruddh on the forehead, instead.
"Dhyan rakhje, baku." She says.
Aniruddh nods and hesitantly asks,"Vhalo che tane aa?"
Arunika looks down because she knows that looking at Derek would give her away, because of all the gooey and soft feelings in her heart that are currently threatening to boil over. She nods. "Bau j."
Aniruddh nods in understanding and squeezes her hand, never much for physical affection like Arunika is. The smile he gives her is approval, permission, support and understanding all in one.
Arunika damn near whoops.
____________________________________________________
The next day, when the boys have their basketball match, Arunika has to go to an extra lecture because her teacher is lagging behind and wants to suck the souls out of her section. Aniruddh would have been there but he was given an exemption due to GC. Damn General Championship. So, Maya is the one that goes to match. Maya is the one who gets told about the pledges.
Arunika is the one raging. ____________________________________________________
So, with her impromptu surprise test result in her hand, Arunika marches over the H-4. Maya elects not to come because while Arunika is raging, Maya is upset and they're both dealing with their emotions. (Maya is much more mature than Arunika, who just wants to tear apart everything else so she doesn't have to sit and acknowledge how unimportant she is.)
They're all in the mess hall, still in their sports uniforms, cheering loudly. Derek is the only one quiet, but that's par for the norm and Arunika is especially hurt with him so she ignores him. Tries to, at least. Her heart tugs at her because as soon as she enters the hall, his head snaps up to her and there's a soft smile playing on his lips, his shoulders already angled as if he's expecting a pat on the back. He even shifts slightly, looking around for a chair, most probably.
When her hand slams on the table, all of the cheering stops abruptly. Derek's smile vanishes.
"How dare you?" Arunika snarls at her twin. "How dare you stop talking to Maya for the GC? You could have told me, you could have let me tell her! The girl cries because of you!"
Aniruddh flinches and looks away. "Aru, I didn't mean to hurt herโ"
"You did, genius!" She snaps, aware that the rest of the hall is emptying rapidly because no one wants to get involved in drama. "Tujhe pata hai vo kitni dukhi thi? Do hafte, Annu! Do hafte! Mujhe bata deta, main bol deti usko ki sorry Maya, mera bhai pagal hai aur uske liye sabse important tum ho, uski behen nahi, aur vo tumhe bhi chhod dega ek sports championship ke liye apne aap ko motivate karne ke liye!"
Acid tries to intervene softly,"Aru, aisa nahi hai, voโ"
She slams her hand on the table again, slamming her result paper with it. The resulting sting in her hand is much more satisfactory with Acid's wince. "Tu toh baat kariyo bhi mat mujhse! Tujhe gaaliya sabse pyaari hai?" She turns to Sexa,"Tujhe apni sexual fantasies sabse pyaari hai? Main Mummy ko kuch nahi bolungi kyuki vo thik hai butโ"She physically turns around to pin Derek under her stare and her voice lowers from a loud snap to a cold hiss. "You quit smoking. For GC." He lowers his head, seemingly shrinking upon himself.
(Arunika had been foolish enough to imagine that he'd quit because he genuinely wanted to be better. Because, maybe, in some way, Arunika had been the reason he was quitting. Stupid, stupid girl with her stupid high hopes.)
Mummy clears his throat. "So, you're mad that no one included you in their pledge?" He asks hesitantly, as if he's afraid she'll hit him. Good.
Not no one. She's mad that her twin thought he could gamble his two month relationship instead of trusting her to understand his silence. She's mad that she wasn't told, despite demanding answers. She's mad that Derek doesn't consider her important enough to be pained by her absence. Make no mistake, she's glad he decided to quit.
(Why couldn't it have been for her?)
Arunika laughs, slightly hysterical, mostly unsettling. "No, no, no. I'm very happy to know I rank behind cigarettes, curse words and sex fantasies in the terms of importance for you lot."
Aniruddh stands up. "Aruni, I promise, it's not like that, you're literally everything to me. But, with Mayaโ"
Arunika waves her hand. "Maya ko importance dena teri zimmedari hai, Annu. Agar vo tere liye sabse important hai toh accha hai. Mujhe bas problem iss cheez se hai ki vo ladki humare room mein ro rahi thi aur main kuch nahi kar sakti thi uske liye! Isse accha tu mujhse baat karna bandh kar deta. Main samjh leti. Vo toh Bhagwan bhala kare uss bichari ka ki vo itni understanding hai. Koi aur hoti, toh aaj tak relationship hi nahi bachi hoti."
Aniruddh looks down and nods with a sigh. He looks like a defeated man even if he's just won a basketball game and some part of Arunika twists in agony at the mere sight of her brother so hurt but the bigger part of her, the one that feels a lot of things currently, demands retribution, demands her to hurt them as they've hurt her, demands her to abandon them as they've left her.
Derek stands up and Arunika takes a step back immediately.
His eyes are huge and focused on her and her alone and Arunika knows, if she even looks at him too long, all the anger will fade away and the hurt with stay and it will hurt her even more. (Why didn't you choose me? Why do i have to compete against a cancer stick? Why is that thing the most important thing in your life? Do I matter to you? If I don't matter to you, I should at least know it! If you hate the curls, the muscles, the stomach fat, the glasses, the anger, the anxietyโ you should have stayed away. If you can't choose me first against a goddamn death stick, how am I supposed to choose you every time? Is my absence or presence of no relevance to you?)
Derek looks taken aback by her step back. "Aruโ"
"Do not." She hisses under her breath. She turns away and thrusts her result paper in Aniruddh's hand. "Talk to mummy papa about this today when they call. I won't be available. Jai Shri Krishna."
Aniruddh face calls further because he knows Arunika doesn't really say god's name in front of Aniruddh, and she'd never ignore their parents' biweekly calls without proper reason. He's something sort of an atheist and Arunika doesn't bother him with her relationship with god, so he knows he's well and truly fucked up if she's saying god's name in front him. It only means that she's chanting inside her head and Arunika only chants in a roll when she's feeling panicked or nervous.
Arunika turns away and begins to walk away, needing to be away, needing to feel like she's invisible instead of feeling like she's an open wound.
Sexa calls,"Arre par ja kaha Rahi hai tu?"
She keeps walking but turns her head around just to say,"Tujhse matalab? If the thought of my absence doesn't bother you, my presence shouldn't be a priority either."
Arunika reaches the lobby that connects the mess with the stairs that lead to the hostel rooms and she's about to turn the corner and leave when a hand grabs her elbow and pulls.
A curse is flying out of her mouth before she's stopped moving, only to realise Derek had followed her and is now holding her against himself.
The hand on her elbow has shifted to her hip, just resting there and the other hand covers her mouth when she's about to snap. "Aru, I know you're mad, as you've got the right to be," he starts in a slow voice,"but, can I, please, talk to you in private before you leave? I promise, I won't try to dismiss your anger. Please, Aru. Please."
Derek D'Souza saying the word "please" thrice is a rarity, she knows. The man hasn't probably said the word twice in the same fortnight, much less to the same person, in the same minute.
His hair is falling over his forehead and there's days old stubble over his cheeks, his eyes are so wide and big, pleading her but never forcing her. The hand on her mouth moves away and falls back to his side, the one on her hip falls away too, but not before dragging on her tshirt, like he doesn't want to take his hand off of her but he will.
The irrational anger in her that is demanding to hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt howls at her to storm off. Staying is a double edged sword. She may end up forgiving him or she may end up saying things that she can never meanโ all because of irrational anger occurred due to a fucking horrible day and terrible period hormones. He face falls further at her silence.
"Arunika." He whispers, his voice soft and almost strangled. That's what does it for her. The full name. Her name sounds like a blessing in his mouth and despite the fact that she currently feels like a curse, she wants to lean into this. She wants, wants, wants. Damn her, she wants.
She caves."Okay." She breathes, almost steeling herself against his fucking puppy eyes and the effect he has on her by just breathing the same air. "Okay, Derek. Talk."
"Not here." He mutters and looks around, making her realise how open of a space this really is. She'd been too busy crowded up to Derek to realise that anyone who walks past can see them very, very clearly.
Derek grabs her wrist and goes to take a step before releasing it as if her skin physically burnt him. "Sorry," he says,"I shouldn't touch you without permissionโ"
"What are you even talking about?" She says, frowning at him,"I quite literally gave you blanket permission! Derek, I really don't have the energy to sympathize with your gentlemanly behaviour when I am absolutely seething."
For a second his face lights up as he hears the first half of her sentence before he nods and takes her hand again, intertwining their fingers together and pulling her up the stairs. They don't stop until they reach the top floor, not even meeting anyone else in the way because all the boys have apparently scurried off to classes, as per Derek.
Arunika almost grinds to a stop when Derek leads her down the corridor of hostel rooms. He stops in front of one and pulls out a key from his pocket while Arunika is busy trying to compute a lot of issues together.
"Won't we get in trouble?" She asks him in a panic, squeezing his hand in hers because he really hasn't even untangled their fingers and he just opened the lock with one hand.
Derek looks at her like he's confused she's even asking that. "What? Why would we get in trouble?"He pushes the door and walks in, dragging Arunika in with him. Her heart beats loudly in her ears and she really wants to know what is this man's thought process or if he even has one. He closes the door behind them and it's a sort of relief because dear god what if someone walks in and assumesโ(Assumes exactly what Arunika dreams of?)
Exasperated, she waves her free hand at her face and body,"I don't know if you've noticed, but I am woman."
Derek uses their joined hands to pull her towards himself and finally releases her hand when she almost crashes against his chest.
Both of his hands land on her hips, just resting, while he looks at her with such intensity that she's afraid to even move. "Trust me, Aru. I have absolutely noticed."
Arunika wills the butterflies in her stomach to die because really, she's supposed to mad at him for choosing a death stick over her!
She takes a deep breath and realises that he doesn't smell like that smell of tobacco and pine anymore. He smells like sandalwood and some sort of heavy but not too strong oud.
She likes this scent better, she thinks.
But it also reminds her of what he's done. Arunika knows the exact moment he realises that she's come back to her senses because he stiffens as soon as she shifts, leaving her and taking a step back, letting her have her space.
Derek smooths over the bedsheet over his single bed and Arunika looks around the room, the desk littered with notes, gel pens and papers astray, stuffed between books that look like they haven't been moved since Derek passed his first test at college. There's a grey towel hanging over the chair, his blue turtleneck hung on the hook behind the door. His room is so inherently Derek D'Souza that a part of her secretly melts. Messy, authentic, falling apart at the seams and yet imposing.
There's order in the chaos and Arunika knows if she asks him to find a pencil for her right at this moment, he'd have to move an absurd number of stuff but he'd have it in his hands not even a full minute later.
"Please, sit." He tells her, pushing his pillow up to the wall. Arunika sits on the bed and instead pulls the pillow on her lap, slightly hunching over it because her cramps are beginning to hit harder and really, at this point, she'd just prefer to throw herself off of the roof of this damned hostel.
Arunika doesn't do him the favour of starting the conversation.
He hovers over her for a moment before sitting down on the floor, legs crossed. She makes a startled noise and is about to get down and sit with him on the floor too when he pushes her back with his hand on her shin. "Shh, I am absolutely comfortable here. Let me sit here, please?"
Arunika sighs and nods. Derek plays with her pen, twirling it between his fingers like it's an Olympic sport and he's a reigning champion.
"Hockey wali haar ke baad, humne hostel meeting ki. Anni already Maya se lad ke aaya tha aur motivated tha ki dikha denge ke GC humare liye important hai. Socha ki hum isiliye haar rahe hai kyuki humein haar se darr nahi lag raha. Vo bola ki hostel ki izzat ke saath saath apna kuch bhi daav par lagayenge tab lagega ki jeetne ke siva aur koi option nahi hai."
Arunika snorts, rolling her eyes even as she feels a cramp all the way to her spine. "Aise bina buddhi ke ideas leke ghumte hai yaha ke ladke aur sochte hai ki baar baar haar kyu jate hai." She holds the pillow closer to her stomach and leans over it to look at Derek closely. "Haar se nahi darna tha. Haar se sikhna tha."
Derek looks up at her and this is probably the first time that he's the one craning his head to look at Arunika. She can we the veins in his neck rise up with the slight tension, she can see the way his shoulders tense as he braces himself for something.
One of his hands goes to her foot and he brings it to rest it on his thigh. Arunika tries to pull it away but he just looks at her in question. "You're older than me." She squeaks out in a response, years of instinct flaring up, and getting worse because she knows her payals will most definitely make a sound and she doesn't want to get in trouble because of something she loves!
He doesn't release her foot like she expects him to.
"Shh, stop thinking." He says softly and removes her sandal from her feet, rubbing his hand on her ankle and her heel and she really wants to stop him for the sake of manners but it feels so nice, Arunika doesn't even know what they're here for in the first place, before he starts speaking again.
"Mere zehen mein tumhara naam bolne ka khyal tak nahi aaya tha." He whispers. Arunika stiffens, her anger yelling at her about feeling dismissed, disregarded. Forgotten. Derek looks up.
"Tum aadat nahi ho, Arunika. Tum ek zaruri cheez nahi ho. Tum toh zarurat ho." Arunika closes her eyes and buries her face in the soft pillow, the godforsaken scent of something herbal and sandalwood overwhelming her for a moment.
She needed to hear that, she knows. She knows her anger wasn't that big of an issue. She knows these ridiculous pledges wouldn't even bother here if not for Derek and not for her periods and her hormones. But God, does it feel nice to hear him whisper that.
He gets up on his knees and leans in close until he's settled between her legs, his forearms resting on her thighs and his hands at her hips. Not gripping, just staying.
One of Derek's hands reaches and cups her chin, gently pulling her away from the pillow. With the same hand, he removes her glasses very carefully, her delicate frameless glasses are nothing like his own sturdy raybans, he knows. He tucks her glasses in the collar of his tshirt.
"Aru," he sounds just as soft as his eyes look, no sharpness, no barrier. All tenderness and reverence. "Cigarette chhod ke withdrawal sehen kar lunga main. Tumko nahi chhod sakta. Bohot khaas ho tum. Jiss GC ki vajah se cigarette pina shuru kiya tha, usko cigarette hi wapas de sakta hu main. Mera Sukoon nahi."
Arunika doesn't even know how she starts crying. She knows she just does. One moment she's blinking and another, there's hot tears running down her face, dropping on his pillow. She's trying so hard not to cry but she does end up crying and it's embarassing.
It's embarassing that she created a scene over that, it's embarassing that everyone knows now that she feels unwanted, it's embarassing that this is the first time they've been so close and Arunika is wasting all her time crying instead of trying to memorize the warmth he holds.
She's faintly aware of him murmuring something before he pulls the pillow away from her and she whines, but it's not for long because as soon as the pillow is thrown aside on the bed, he's hugging her.
One of his arms is around her waist and another is on her nape. Arunika wraps her own arms around his shoulders and upper back, tangling her fingers on his cross necklace like she's seen him do a hundred times.
(It doesn't take a genius to figure out he's got a fidget thing for his hands. It doesn't take even a remotely intelligent person to see that he's also got an oral fixation. More than half the time, Arunika had caught him with her pen between his lips, fingers poised on the pen like he's lighting a cigarette.)
Derek gently guides her face into the crook of his neck and massages her nape, whispering sweetly about how strong she's been and it's okay and that they've been really stupid and they should have told she earlier.
"I'm sorry," she speaks through hiccups,"I justโ no one has ever made me feel wanted except Annu. Our whole family adores him more because he's the boy child and I was always the second choice. Even in my friends, I couldn't always be there because of my championships and then I became the back-up option. It'sโ I don't know why I made a scene like thatโ Iโ"
Derek pulls away and reaches for the water bottle on the bedside table, forwarding it to her. Arunika shakes her head because she doesn't think she can drink this with a lump in her throat but Derek's hand is on her knee and he says,"Please, Aru. Staying hydrated is necessary, especially in your periods."
She sniffles and drinks some water, realising that was actually thirsty too. The thought makes her snort while she puts the bottle back at the bedside table. Derek makes a questioning sound and she realises she's forgetting to filter herself around him.
She's forgetting to make sure what is expressed what isn't. It's dangerously addicting.
"I forgot to drink water today." She tells Derek. His eyebrows go high and he actually looks concerned. He checks his watch, the vintage casio, and shakes his head at her. Arunika shrugs at him helplessly and hides her face in her hands again. Great. Disappointing in hydration, too. Way to go, Aru, she thinks to herself blithely.
"Aru, Jaana, please look at me." It's not so much as the request that makes her look up. It's his tone, soft as if made from silk, and the endearment that settles inside her ribcage like a nearly wrapped gift. Derek pulls her hands away from her face and wipes her tears away with his thumbs.
"Listen to me very carefully, okay?" He asks and Arunika nods, sniffling but getting back to herself. "Good girl." Derek smiles proudly at her and Arunika wants to bang her head somewhere because how the fuck does he manage to wreck the entirety of her nerves with just two words, without even intending it?
"Arunika, suno. Pehle toh, your anger was justified. Your hurt was justified too. Tumhe pura pura haq hai mujhse expectations rakhne ka, jawab mangne ka. Hum sab pe ye haq hai. Aur, you don't have to be sorry for expressing what you're feeling. Expression is better than suppressing your feelings until you can't take it anymore and just lean towards the extreme."
Derek's voice breaks like he's thinking of something else, something really terrible. His fingers on her her wrists tighten just a bit and Arunika shifts their hands until she's holding his hands. He intertwines their fingers and squeezes lightly.
Derek licks his lips. Quietly, he tells her,"My parents divorced because none of them could express their issues. It broke our home apart, it made my siblings cry at night, it made my father start smoking, it made my mother start isolating. Silence is never good."
"Oh, mara vhala," Arunika mumbles and leans forward, freezing one hand and curling it at the nape of his neck, fingers tangling in his neat hair.
It makes sense now, his silence. He's learnt it at home. His refuge in cigarette smoke. He's learnt it at home.
Arunika feels her heart twist and break at the fact that he included everyone's pain but his own and she wants to ask, wants to know so that she can avoid it forever and again but she knows now is not the time. "I'm so sorry."
Derek leans in her grip but nods nonetheless. "I dealt with it, don't worry." He flashes her a smile that's more of a smirk and she knows that he's really put it behind himself, as much as he can. Scratching the wound wouldn't be good. "What matters is, you never have to apologise for expressing yourself. And don't ever even imagine that you're not my first choice. You are. In every way that matters, I will always choose you. You're my priority, you're my focus. You're extremely important to me, Arunika. You'll never be a second choice to me."
"Thank you." She tells him in a whisper. She squeezes their hands and her thumb rubs behind his ear and she sees his eyes close for a moment. Arunika feels much lighter and achored down in the same moment. The angry voice in her head is quiet now. The cramps are a background note.
Nothing matters except for the man kneeling in front of her.
Arunika lets her impulses take over and presses her forehead against his and closes her eyes. "You're extremely important to me too, Derek. You're... everything. I hope you know that and I hope I've expressed that."
She can hear the grin in his voice even as his voice cracks a bit. "I wouldn't mind you expressing it a bit more. I'm a greedy man, Jaana. I will take everything you're willing to give."
"It's good that I'm willing to give everything, then."
____________________________________________________
Author's note: this chapter is wayyyyyyyyy too long omg i hope y'all like it!! See you soon because now that we're done with emotional intimacy, next chapter is time for Derek to be a fucking TEASE
