#chhh

It was always so intense. Not even sexual, not even, "I really want to make out with you." Just so happy to see each other, and wanting to hold on tight forever. In your arms was safety. In your arms was peace.

I remember your eyes. I remember your smile. I remember the first thing you ever said to me. I remember you and me and Sarah sitting on each other's laps, holding hands, and talking about how we would all be married to each other someday.

But we kept missing each other. You were with someone, or I was, or the time just wasn't right. For years, things kept getting in the way. Maybe we didn't try hard enough to make it happen.

And then you got married. I was there. You asked me to stand beside you. We danced at your wedding, and I think I cried harder than I've ever cried in my entire life.

When I asked you, the day before your wedding that we spent alone together, driving around in your car, why you were marrying her, you told me that you didn't not want to be married to her. I don't remember if I said out loud or not that I thought that was a silly reason to marry someone.

The feelings didn't go away.

Finally, you told me it was too hard. You asked me never to contact you or try to see you again. It was messier than that, and harder than that, at the end. We both made some bad choices. But I respected your wishes.

It's been 16 years since we've seen each other. 15 years since we talked. Sometimes I'm weak. Every year or two, I'll look you up. See how you're doing. Where you are now. I haven't done it in a while, but that doesn't mean I don't still think of you, that it's not still hard.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we ran into each other unexpectedly. It's not impossible. I wonder if you'll ever get back in touch, maybe when we're old. I wonder who you are now. I'm not the same person anymore. I don't even have the same name. But the feelings are still there. They still rise up and ambush me in dreams now and then, or when our song plays.

"I needed you more when we wanted us less, could not kiss, just regress ..."