#chenle angst

jeno. it felt worse than it looked. or so you thought since your eyes stays closely shut as you bite your fist. the pain comes in waves and you're gritting your teeth and seeing stars from the impact, still disoriented and on the ground. and you haven't opened your eyes for a few long minutes, trying to muster up the strength to see the wound that was surely bleeding badly because it hurt badly.

it's been a terrible week for you, you admit it. much worse than last week and the week before that. your back was marked with an X from the moment the famous lacrosse player, lee jeno, started taking an interest in you.

no matter how hard you tried to avoid him, deny it, and not run into him so as not to make things worse or make enemies, they always ended up finding you.

you tried to put up with it, but the abuse escalated as jeno began to pry into your bruises or why you were hiding in the lunch breaks.

he couldn't understand that it was because of him. because of him, this was happening to you. because of him, now your whole body hurts like hell and nothing but laughter comforts you. until all shut up.

that is why it is in contrast and you get startled, when you feel his hands gently pass under your legs and take you in his arms. jeno's touch on the injured leg causes you to choke a groan, feeling like he squeezes you a little against his chest. “shh, it's alright...”

you keep your eyes closed as you feel him take you with him, and little by little it feels less aching, the way he holds you is soft, just like his calm and deep voice soothes you. “i'll take care of it.”

jisung. you get startled again, a small, involuntary jump that made his cheeks flush a deeper shade of pink. “sorry. sorry,” he mumbles, tumbling words out as he continues to clean the wound with surprisingly delicate hands.

he seems oblivious to the fact that his long hand, resting against the inside of your calf, was the real reason for your flustered reaction. it’s warm, loose, and… comforting in a way that made your breath ragged. “i could've taken care of it alone,” you manage to say, trying to ignore the distracting warmth against your skin and the way your heart had suddenly decided to pick up its pace.

you catch when he smiles, a boyish, disarming grin that forms two crescents of his eyes . “sure you could, pretty,” he replies, nonchalant even though you sense amusement dancing in his brown gaze. “but,” he looks at you, meeting your attentive eyes. “i just wanted to do it myself.”

if only he knew… you thought. the reason you flinched wasn't from the sting of the antiseptic, but because it was him, jisung. jisung in his leather jacket and a cigarette tucked behind his ear. the epitome of cool nonchalance. so different from the kind, gentle projection tending to your injury with such focused care.

“why?” you ask, genuinely curious.

the question hangs in the air for some time where you weigh on who was the real him, hoping it meant something. that his expression open and sincere, were real, just like his words, “i don't like to see you hurt,” he says, his voice quiet.

his attention was focused on your face, his brow furrowed in concern. he seemed completely unaware that his thumb, while he spoke, was tracing lazy, distracting patterns on your skin, each touch sending tiny electric shocks through you. he was so close, you could see the faint stubble along his jawline, the way his lashes framed his eyes.

you startle when his touch falters. “sorry, love,” he murmurs once again, returning to your wound, all while you get lost in your thoughts.

jisung is used to have little nicknames like that all the time; it shouldn't have affected you. you'd heard him call other girls that, and it had never bothered you before. but coming from him, directed at you… it was different. it made your stomach flutter in a way you couldn't quite explain. and maybe… maybe he did know his hand was on your leg, and that every so often you startled because his thumb caressed you absentmindedly. maybe he wasn't as oblivious as he seemed. he was certainly good at playing it off, just like he was with all the girls.

jaemin. your hand drowns out the panting you're trying to suppress when he places the cotton ball to stop the bleeding. nevertheless, your face gives you away “i know, i know.” he's gentle, and calm, even though every so often you take your hand out of his reach when it's too unbearable. his voice always comes softly to you. “i know it hurts.” he looks at you, and for a second you forget that it does, because his brown eyes convey tranquility, and more important, don't reveal resentment.

you snort, stressed. “i said horrible things to you.”

he seems pretty unfazed, “you did.”

“then why are you being gentle?” you inquire, troubled and dismayed. “i've never been good to you.”

“should i leave you here? shouldn’t i check on you?” his voice is tint with layers and layers of emotions, emotions you're not able to pick up faster than you'd like.

“the right thing to do would be for you to be mean to me.”

the latter generates a reaction from him. he looks up as if he was slapped, but then soon returns to a calm ocean. “i would never be mean to you.” so deep and complex, he does their job so well, that it is almost imperceptible that he's also good for hiding things.

“take off your jacket.”

he blinks, a flicker of surprise crossing his face, but he complies without a word, shrugging it off to reveal the long-sleeved shirt he wore beneath. that’s when you see it. in his arm, in his chest, the space that extends to reach his wrists, the visible part that you'd seen and ignored in your stupidity.

your breath hitches. reaching out, his eyes flickers to yours, a mixture of resignation tint his cheeks, yet he doesn't pull away, he lets you touch it. the cut on his side was slightly deeper than yours, the edges rough and uneven.

it was true that jaemin had gotten into worse fights. he was always hooking up with ramen girls; he was the perfect definition of treacherous, self-centered, and a compulsive liar. you hadn't taken his silence as anything more than pretentiousness. no one was as good as the girls he hooked up with and discarded, but now he comes along, saves you, and gets hurt in the process.

“you're patching me up for a scratch, and you've got this…”

he shrugged, almost sheepishly. “it's nothing,” he mumbles, avoiding your gaze.

“jaemin,” you says with disbelief. “when were you going to tell me?”

all this time you thought that's how he wins them over, how he has planned to take you to bed (the only girl who has rejected him).

but maybe all this time you've been misinterpreting it. you've been judging him wrongly.

your grip on his hand tightens, your fingers hurt but what he says hurts more. “once i finished making sure you were okay.”

chenle. the silence somehow hurt more than the puncture wound on your lip, or your cheekbone, or your broken nose. and having him this close doesn't help at all, it just made you feel more distant. you wanted him to say something, but you were afraid that what he had to say wasn't going to do any good. so you bit your tongue, and it burned less.

he's angry, of course, and maybe a little at you, especially. you've hidden in the bathroom to treat your wounds, and somehow he's come here with you and started doing it himself. the boy who supposedly hates you, who can't stand being this close to you, and who has cared so little about your existence that he has been ignoring you all night. suddenly, he starts to worry about whether you're okay while everyone else laughs at you? it's nothing more than another way to humiliate you.

you wanted to tell him that you weren't forcing him to do anything. yet your eyes tend to linger and follow his gaze until he finally looks at you.

a smile spreads across his lips, and you would find it attractive if it weren't for the fact that he's clearly making fun of you, right to your face, just as he had surely planned all along.

“you’re happy?” you fight so that humiliation does not cloud your gaze, and it’s probably the hardest thing you’ve done after trying so hard to not fall in love with him and still failing.

his fingers brush your chin and his eyes fall on your lips, but you're sure it's nothing to do with the wound. “mmm.” not when his gaze baches you with something that makes you think maybe he wasn't angry with you, maybe he was worried... maybe he does care about you. “nice punch,” he praises you, looking at you before finishing his work and heading for the door.

not leaving without first saying something so quietly that you think you imagined it. “that’s my girl.”

without saying anything, you lean feeling less helpless; cause even though he'd probably keep ignoring you after this, his eyes will always tell you what you need to know.

he's not mad. and he cares.

renjun. your lips tighten in a fine line as the burning in your hand spreads and hurt like hell before your eyes shoot at him, looking like it was on purpose. “you're good?”

you glare at him. it had been just a silly cut that could've been rinsed with water, but renjun saw it first —of course he sees everything first, and alerted the professor. it turned out that the shot had backfired, and he wasn't going to get rid of you that easily, so now you're here being taken care of by him, giving you some victory in your defeat.

the know-it-all renjun wasn't going to get away with it after drawing everyone's attention and making you look like a crybaby. especially not now that you've scared off every girl he's tried to pick up over the last week by asking if he would mind taking care of your wound, like some kind of silent battle that he started.

you had foolishly lost when you realized that now he was revealing himself, making you suffer because he couldn't stop hurting you while he healed you. you weren't going to give him the satisfaction so easily by begging him to be gentler until he filled your cup of patience and tolerance for pain.

“what?”

he must've felt the long, deadly look on him to pronounce “mhm, i don't know let me think,” you say, shrugging, “there's a hole in my hand and i think you want to fill it with alcohol.”

you see him genuinely out of place, before snorting. “you should've told me,” he says, “i thought i was being careful enough.” he takes your hand and brings it to his mouth to blow into the wound so that it burns less, and the most horrible, worst thing, is that you believe him.

mark. you often wonder why everyone wants to be friends with mark lee.

until it hits you.

you and mark get along with each other. it's a coincidence that he's always where you are, stuck headfirst in his notebook, and staring at his phone from time to time, as if expecting to receive a message that never arrives. when he's not alone at the next table, he's always surrounded by people. they can't help it; he has become a sun.

“i’m almost done.” he's focused on the scratch on your knee; the pe teacher has asked someone to take you to the nurse's office even though you could have walked there yourself, and mark has volunteered. not only that, he's taken you piggyback all the way there.

so, yes, you think you know why everyone wants to be his friend.

“does it sting?” he asks, pulling apart from you to read the precautions of the bottle with his mouth slightly half-open in concentration when your senses mess up and you gasp accidently.

“uh…”

the worst part was over, of course. it had hurt at first, with alcohol, now that it was done, it shouldn't hurt..., you should have told him that you were feeling better and that you'd had enough alcohol for one year, but you think you got a little carried away, and stopping now would be embarrassing… right?

“you must still have a concussion, because of the fall. here.” you let him help you get off the infirmary chair but along the way, and because you’re nervous all of a sudden by the way his eyebrows gather in concern, and his tongue poke the inside of his cheeks, you end up giving each other a forehead bump.

mark 。everyone could probably see it in your eyes, in the way you look at him, in your smile every time you hear his name, in the way your face lit up when you see him, you are in love with him. and the way his voice changes when he says your name, how he brings your name in every conversation, how he cares about your opinion the most, everyone could see he is in love with you, except you. 

well no, you could see it, in his handwritten notes with doodling hearts at the bottom, in the photos he sends you throughout the day, every single day, photos of him, of things that reminded him of you, of things he found funny, in the way he includes you in his day every time he’s away, in the way he understand how important is for you to spend time together and invites you to be with him while he makes music, you could see it. 

but you were scared, he knows you better than anyone else, he’s your best friend after all and you can’t bear the thought of losing him. so, you were worried because once he gets to see the real, messy, version of you, will he still love you? you are a clingy, needy, anxious lover and maybe once he gets to deal with it, he won’t want to be with you anymore. 

when you are with mark, you feel at ease, every time he’s around you feel safe. even though he has a crazy life, an insane schedule, barely any time to rest, he makes time for you, he’s always there when you need him, and you don’t want to ruin that. 

you were currently wearing the hoodie he gave you a few nights ago when you were hanging out at his apartment, with mark showing you something over facetime, but you were just staring at your phone screen lost in your own thoughts, ‘ynie. . .’ his voice gets your attention. 

blinking a few times before actually looking at him, ‘umm?’ you hope he hadn’t noticed you weren’t listening to him. 

“what’s in that pretty head of yours, baby?” there he is, toeing over that dangerous line, again. 

you bite your cheek, ‘mark. . .’ you say before you can stop yourself, you hear him make a sound to let you know he is listening, ‘you are my best friend.’

he stares at the screen with his head tilted, pausing whatever he was doing, ‘i know,’ he said after a few seconds. 

it was already past midnight, he is probably tired but you really hope he understands what you were trying to say, ‘i don’t wanna lose you. . . and-’

‘you won’t, yn,’ he smiles at you.

he seems to be sure that it won’t happen but your own mind has already played one hundred scenarios where it does, ‘you could get bored or tired of-. . . maybe i’ll be too much and i. . . overthink, yo-. . .’

he interrupts you, ‘baby,’ the way his voice sounds when he’s saying that petname to you makes your brain short-circuit, ‘i’m never getting bored, we could do nothing all day and i’ll be happy. . . too much? hell yea, be too much, be everything, i want all. . . you overthink? whatever i’ll over explain then-. . . wait, i don’t want to do this over the phone. . . can i come over?’

to learn how to love mark, you need to unlearn how to imagine every good thing with a bad ending.

renjun 。‘he’s my person’ and he has been for quite a long time now, he knows every part of you, your vulnerable side, your annoying side, your angry side. . . even the side of you that you dislike. he is the only person with whom you have totally opened your heart.

everyone knew in the way you talk about each other, that there was something more, something there waiting to be explored. everyone would laugh and shake their heads when they heard the ‘we are just friends’ leaving past his lips, his answer for every time someone would ask about the two of you.

were you really ‘just friends’? it was hard to believe because friends don’t steal ‘secret’ glances at each other, friends don’t get jealous when the other talks about someone else, friends' hugs don’t last a little longer than they should, and friends don’t have a customised bracelet with their carved initials intertwined.

a small, tiny, part of you believes that maybe he’s too good for you, making you feel like you don’t deserve his love. you fear that your relationship with him is not going to change, that the both of you are just going to be ‘secretly’ in love with each other, pretend that neither of you know, and just leave it like that. 

one of the many things you love about him, is how he’s the best listener you know, how he’s always interested in everything you say, even if you are saying the most stupid thing he has ever heard of. he is your person, you don’t have to be afraid of disagreeing with him in something, you can always share what you think without the fear of being humiliated, wrong, or ignored. 

when you are feeling upset about something you feel is ridiculous for some reason, you tend to avoid any serious talk about it, mostly because you aren’t exactly someone who understands your own emotions. you sigh as you send the ‘good night’ message, you wish he could read your mind, he could understand how much the ‘we are just friends’ affected you this time. 

you know being upset over something neither of you have talk about is dumb, as you wiped away a tear that escaped your eye, you read his immediate response, ‘no, we don’t do that’ you stared at his message for few seconds, frowning, as your finger moved over the screen, typing a ‘do what.’ 

you didn’t close his chat, seeing as there were those three dots on the screen, ‘we don’t go to bed upset’ you took a deep breath, debating if was time to finally address the elephant in the room, ‘tell me what i did so i can apologise’  you shook your head, staring a the last message a little longer. 

‘it’s nothing, never mind’ you were confused, he could answer with an ‘okay’ or something, instead he was leaving you on seen, you frowned at the screen, waiting to see those three dots but no. 

you put your phone on your nightstand, standing from your bed to wash your face before actually going to sleep, when a gentle knock on your door startled you. it was already late at night, so to open the door to a very out of breath, in his practice clothes, standing in front of your door, was indeed a surprise, ‘it’s not nothing if you are upset with me, yn.’

to learn how to love renjun, you need to unlearn how to shut down everything when you are hurt.

jeno 。jeno’s eyes are the definition of ‘they say a look is worth a thousand words’ everyone saw it in the way his eyes would linger a little more on you than in the other people in the room, how his pupils dilate when you look back at him, the way he looks at you it’s like you are the best thing that’s ever happened to him. 

and they could probably see it in your eyes too, along with a tiny bit of fear, you were actually terrified by the thought of seeing him walk away at any moment. 

you are used to being alone, it’s been quite a long time now, and you feel like it’s very comfortable to be on your own. every time someone tries to get closer to you, or tries to form some kind of meaningful connection with you, you tend to withdraw. 

but for some reason with him, it was different, he has been scaling the high walls you have built around your heart for too long now. 

you hate when someone takes a candid picture of you, you never look good on those, except in the ones that he takes, you hate when someone else plays with your hair, but you don’t seem to have a problem when it’s him, you hate to rely on others or even have others rely on you, when it’s him, it’s okay. 

hugs, you are fine with hugs, pats on the back, touching your hand, as long as it's him and no one else. still, you decided to never act on those feelings, he’s your friend, and you are scared he will end up hating you. 

that’s what you are used to, that’s what you have been told you do, and that’s exactly what you want to prevent, you don’t want him to hate you for being ‘too independent’, for preferring to manage things on your own without asking for help, tolerate things just because you can deal with it, for not letting him protect you.

a part of you disagrees with that, you shouldn’t be thinking that low of him, he’s always been patient with you, why should a relationship be any different than a friendship? 

‘let’s go out together, just you and me’ he had texted you earlier today, it wasn’t weird for him to invite you to hang out, on the other hand ‘go out’ was. he could be recognised anywhere, and you weren’t going to let him risk like that, that’s why you were sitting by his side on the rooftop of your apartment building, you were sitting by his side, fiddling with the paper flowers he had given you, while fighting the urge to shiver.

his voice makes you turn to look at him, ‘are you cold? here take m-. . .’ before he could finish his sentence, your hand already flew to his shoulder, stopping him from taking his jacket off.

‘it’s okay,’ you say, shaking your head with a smile on your face.

you hear him huff, ‘but-. . . why you never take my jacket?’ 

you let a breathy laugh escape past your lips as you see his are in an adorable pout, ‘jeno, if you are wearing a jacket it is because you are cold.’

‘no,’ he shakes his head, taking off his jacket, ‘i wear it, just in case you need it,’ you open you mouth to say something as he puts the jacket around your shoulders, ‘you know. . .’ he mutters while making you face him, fixing the jacket properly so i can actually cover you, ‘it’s okay to accept it, if i’m offering-. . . it’s be-. . . i know you can deal with everything on your own but. . . i als- want to let you know i’m here for you.’ 

to learn how to love jeno, you need to unlearn how to put on a mask and pretend you can do everything alone. 

haechan 。with your brow furrowed, tilted head and a huff leaving past your lips, that’s your reaction every time anyone insinuates there is something more than a friendship between the two of you. 

you believe that your friendship with him is very normal, you treat him like any other friend, every time you are together you would tease each other, you would play hit each other, call each other names, you would bully him for being too clingy, too loud, too sweet. 

and yes, on the surface it was very normal, but everyone noticed the little things you try to ignore, how you let him be clingy with you, touching you, hugging you, holding your hand, kissing your cheeks, you don’t let your other friends do that. how it is harder for you to let anyone know you, but it took him least than a year to be closer to you despite you being so opposed to the idea.

it was easier for him, or so they think, because the second you felt that he was making your heartbeat go faster, you knew it was the moment to leave. missing him while he was away, thinking about what he was doing, feeling, thinking, all the time, wanting to talk to him every day. but it wasn’t until you started to notice small things like him being more attentive lately, how he was doing his best to spend more time with you before leaving for months, trying to do anything in your company, or just talking, he was happy either way, and you knew he feels the same as you.

but the second he started to send you ‘i miss you’ ‘wish you were here’ ‘if you were here we would. . .’ every day, more than once a day, and also started to show his jealousy when you asked about his friends, and using every petname existing not to bother you like you used to do, yes the second you noticed that, you decided it was time to leave.

you couldn’t understand why was he having those feelings towards you, does he like emotionally unavailable pretty smart girls or there is something wrong with him. you are having a hard time wrapping your head around it, you don’t think you deserve to be loved at all, and by him? that’s song impossible.

maybe he liked the gifts you have given him too much, like the bracelet he wears everyday since you gave it to him, or maybe it was the cookies you bake for him every time you know he’s having a bad day, and that sounds reasonable, you are going to stop doing that.

you walk to the door, your eyes half opened, as you rubbed your face, another gently knocking could be heard as you got closer to open it. ‘hi,’ the sound of his voice, makes you stop completely, blinking a couple of times, ‘i know you missed me, no need to anymore,’ he pats your head, as you take in the scene in front of you.

he’s standing there, wearing his airport clothes, his black glasses, his suitcases, and his smile, his sight in front of you make your heart sink, ‘what are you doing here?’

he steps closer, squeezing your cheeks, ‘i wanted to see you,’ he says softly as he moves you so he can enter your house, ‘i-. . . know it’s three in the morning and you were asleep but it’s been five long months and. . . i wanted to see you.’

‘well, you did. . . now, go to your house,’ you say, pointing to the door.

he tilts his head, taking a deep breath, ‘are you mad because i woke you up? sorry-. . .’

you shake your hand, interrupting him, ‘yea, whatever, donghyuck, i’m tired, go home.’

‘yea whatever no, you have been treating me like that for the past two weeks. . . somethings wrong? did i do something? i thought it was because you- maybe you where having some sort of bad days or whatever,’ he was talking fast, but he was still keeping his soft voice tone, ‘but you are like pushing me away an-. . .’

you interrupt him quickly, ‘yes, i know, i push people away, it’s just how i am, and you know that too.’

he shakes his head, stepping in front of you, ‘oh hell no, you can reject my feelings if you want to,’ he says pointing at you, ‘but we are friends, there won’t be pushing me away, i’ll glue myself to you, we are in this together.’

to learn how to love donghyuck, you need to unlearn how to run when it feels right.

jaemin 。for you, he is the living definition of the ‘sun’, only one second in his company is enough to brighten your day significantly. 

he’s perfect, or well, the closest a person can be to ‘perfect’, his eyes and how they look at you, your smile and how it's radiant when it’s for you, how he’s smart and doesn’t need it to rub it on other’s faces, how he’s so funny without even trying, and you could go on for hours talking about how good he is. 

everyone can tell, he’s the happiest when you are around, and that he might be in love with you. he doesn’t even try to deny it, he’s always talking about you, making something for you or being with you. 

and, you are so different when he’s present, being genuinely happy without any worry in your mind, always laughing at his jokes (even if they are not funny), feeling the safest around him, allowing yourself to be you without the fear of being judged. 

you really wanted to be more than friends, you really did, but you were also really scared of becoming too needy. he’s your best friend, he already knows how clingy and needy you are, and you know he will always say the right words when you need to hear them, but it was different. 

you turn around, looking for a comfortable position to fall asleep, it didn’t matter though, your own mind was the one keeping you awake, ‘jaem. . . are you awake?’ you whisper, scared you might wake him up.  

‘yes,’ he answers, whispering too, ‘something wrong, princess?’ your lips turned into a smile the second he said that nickname. 

you shake your head, as if to push the thoughts out of your mind, ‘you. . . ever think i’m too needy?’ 

he sits up from his spot on the floor, ‘what makes you think that?’ he looks to the bed, only for you to be lying down looking at the ceiling, ‘everyone it’s needy, yn.’ 

you sigh, ‘but i’m too needy?’ you were scared that a small part of him thought so too, that he was tired of you always asking him things like am i pretty, am i smart, am i talented, am i enough, you were scared that one day he will stop liking you, and that would make you stop liking yourself too.

‘no,’ he quickly said, ‘you are not too needy. . . it’s normal to think that though. . .’

‘but like. . . you came here at one in the morning just because. . . i was scared and didn’t want to sleep alone,’ you let out a breathy laugh, ‘and you are sleeping on the floor, and i always ask you things and. . . sorry, it’s just that i got anxious. . . i needed validation and-. . .’

 he interrupts you, ‘no, i am here, because i wanted to be here,’ he says as he lays down again, ‘i always want to be with you. . . and it’s okay, i can answer every single one of your questions but-. . . you need to believe it and. . . say it yourself, not just. . . hear it from me‘

to learn how to love jaemin, you need to unlearn how to only see yourself from someone else’s eyes.

chenle 。being friends with him is the easiest thing in the world, how could you not be friends with someone so reliable, you feel comfortable with him, trust him, love him.

you love him in a way you shouldn’t, you are supposed to be just ‘best friends’ and having other feelings towards him doesn’t feel right. he’s caring, supportive, loving, and losing him would be the biggest mistake you could ever make, you would never forgive yourself for that. 

but it was impossible for you to not fall in love with him, when he was always attentive, knows everything you want, gets you everything you want even when you told him it’s not necessary, takes care of you all the time, is always there when you need him. the ‘text me when you get home’ texts, opening doors for you, giving you thoughtful gifts, making an effort to be with you even when he’s busy, who wouldn’t fall for that?

and the fact that he’s your best friend, makes all of this even more scary, you would miss him all the time not only as your lover, but as your friend, and what if it doesn’t work out? you can’t hate him because he’s your best friend.

there’s also something that bothers you even more, how do you make the same mistake over and over again in every relationship, even friendships. you want to be in a relationship with him, to be even closer than you are, but old habits die hard, and to be able to trust someone else completely to the point of letting them know when you are having a bad moment, it’s hard. 

you sigh as you sit on the sofa, giving him a smile, ‘what wrong?’ you hear him say as he scoots closer to you.

you frown, ‘wrong?’ a nervous laugh escapes your lips, ‘nothing? i’m fine, what are you on about,’ you shake your head, giving him another smile. 

‘don’t lie to me,’ he sounded very serious, ‘your fake ass smile don’t work,’ the moment your eyes met, you can see the worry in them, ‘talk to me,’ you blink a couple of times before looking away, ‘if. . . you don’t want to talk is okay, i won’t. . . just remember you can tell me anything,’ he reach out for your hand, holding it for a moment, ‘i can- if you want to, hug you, maybe you’ll feel better or. . .’ he squeezes your hand, not letting it go, ‘i’ll just be here with you. . . for when you want to talk’

to learn how to love chenle, you need to unlearn how to keep things to yourself, scared that the other person will be annoyed by you.

jisung 。when he started spending more time on his phone, always texting someone, the smile on his face while doing so, having plans that didn't include them after practice, being ‘busy’ on his day off, no one knew it was you, his best friend, the one for whom he has heart eyes. 

and you, to be honest, you are not used to falling for someone, or at least not this serious. blushing over some stupid compliment that he says, shouldn’t happen, your heart racing every time someone brings him up, shouldn't happen, being nervous around him, shouldn’t happen. the ‘him’ making you feel all those feelings being your best friend, makes you want to disappear and never be found, it makes you feel bad. 

he has a face that was probably made with so much love, his personality makes him stand out even when he’s quiet, he’s so talented with such a pretty voice, and he’s also loved by everybody. that makes everything worse, everyone wants him, there’s no way he can want you.

you know it’s weird, but you don’t want your best friend to like you in that way, you don’t deserve to be loved in a romantic way by him. you fear you might not be exactly what he needs, a calm, good, patient person, who understands the things he’s been through, the life he lives. you don’t even know what type of person you are in a relationship, what if you are too demanding? too anxious, too fearful? too insecure?

spending time with him made you realise, how much you actually need him in your life, it may sound exaggerated but it's not, he’s the only person you think would understand you need to share time with others, talking, doing activities together, doing nothing but being together. 

as of right now, sitting in your bed with him by your side, the tv on but it’s just being used as background noise, ‘so yes, i believe that me falling down the stairs when i was two years old is the reason we met-. . . invisible string,’ you say as you turn to look at him, scrolling through his phone, ‘i. . . i talk a lot, i should go back to watc-. . .’

he laughs, making you stop talking and frown at him, ‘it’s nice,’ he looks at you, making you look away the second you feel a little warm inside, ‘i like hearing your thoughts. . .’ he pats your head, ‘i like you- the. . . invisible string,’ the whispers, but you can hear it and you heart skips a beat. 

what were you thinking when deciding to bring up the invisible string, ‘sung. . . you deserve someone better, someone good,’ you whisper back, trying to put all your attention to the tv.

‘yn,’ his voice barely could be heard, ‘you are good. . . even if you don’t believe it,’ he pats your head again, making you look at him, ‘would yo- you let me. . . say it to you until you believe it?’

"but i don't like him, i never did and i never will. you also have nothing to worry about. why can't you let it go?"

chenle sighed, his eyes narrowing. "the same reason you can't let go of your concerns about my friend. no matter what i say, you're still upset and you're still jealous. that's exactly how i feel."

"so what do you want me to do?" you asked, exasperated.

"nothing. you can't do what i want."

"you want me to stop being friends with him? is that it?" you asked, incredulous. "will you do it for me if i ask you the same thing?" you challenged him. but chenle didn't respond; he just rolled his eyes and turned his back on you.

you felt so pissed off. chenle was always so unfair to you whenever you had a fight. you almost screamed at him to get out, but then you remembered you were at his house. you grabbed your things and turned to the door. you were about to leave when you heard chenle's voice.

"you're leaving because of something so petty? seriously?" he said with a scoff.

you gave him a dirty look, your hand on the doorknob. "you were about to storm off to your room and shut me out anyway. we obviously don't want to see each other right now, so what's the point of me staying?" you didn't wait for him to respond. you immediately left, slamming the door behind you.

you knew you were being immature, but so was chenle. you weren't about to let him slam the door on you again, making you feel shitty and guilty, when he clearly didn't feel the same remorse. somehow, even when the fight was his fault, you always ended up being the first one to apologize. that made your stomach churn with resentment.

you weren't always like this. during the first few months of your relationship, you and chenle rarely fought. even when you did, they were just small arguments and you would always make up immediately. but now, almost two years into the relationship, after the honeymoon phase had worn off, things had changed dramatically. you started getting into more frequent and intense fights, and the tolerance and understanding that you had at the start had also faded.

honestly, part of the reason why you're always the first one to give in is that, no matter how angry you get at your boyfriend, you can never stay mad at him for long. you fear that if both of you remain stubborn and no one's going to swallow their pride, the fight would escalate and break the two of you apart. chenle, on the other hand, always seems to have no problem ignoring you for a long time. it only intensifies your frustration and hurt, making you feel even more upset with him than you already are.

you've decided you won't give in this time, no matter what. you're scared that he might do the same, matching your stubbornness with his own. but if he can't even swallow his pride for you, the person he claims to love most, then maybe you're better off apart.

you don't want that though — not really. your relationship, despite its flaws, means too much to you. you just hope he does things differently this time.

after leaving chenle's house, you returned to your own place. you tried to sleep, but your anger and frustration had morphed into a gnawing worry that made your stomach tied up in knots. deep down, you weren't confident that he would do right by you this time. the realization made you feel conflicted. is it really worth staying with him if this is how he consistently makes you feel?

the thought sent a wave of sadness through you. despite everything, you loved him deeply. the idea of your relationship ending made your chest tighten with fear. you didn't want this to be the final straw.

tears welled up in your eyes, spilling over onto your pillow. as you cried silently in your room, a mix of emotions washed over you; love, frustration, hope and disappointment all tangled together. eventually, exhaustion took over, and you drifted off into a fitful sleep.

your last conscious thought was a small hope that when you woke up in the morning, you'd see his name on the screen accompanied by an apology you'd been waiting for.

chenle sat by the sofa, his eyes fixed on his phone, waiting for your call. since you had walked out after your fight the night before, you still hadn't come knocking on his door. this was the first time you hadn't talked for this long after an argument. fear started creeping up because of the prolonged silence from you. his chest tightened at the thought that you might have finally decided you'd had enough of him and realized you deserved better. he couldn't bear the thought of losing you. as the day was coming to an end, the setting sun cast long shadows across his room, signaling the passage of time and deepening his anxiety.

he could no longer sit still and wait for you to come to him. what was stopping him from coming after you anyway? he didn't know. but he realized he had been selfish for always waiting for you to mend things all this time. chenle felt like he could lose you easily to other people; you were surrounded by many who liked you and wanted to be with you. because of that, he always felt threatened. letting you come to him first after a fight somehow gave him a sense of security that you loved him enough not to let others steal you away from him.

but he realized now how dumb that was. instead, he could end up losing you because of his inaction. he snapped out of his reverie and grabbed his car keys, walking hastily through the door.

you heard someone ring your doorbell, and you checked to see who it was. your heart leaped in both happiness and relief at the sight of chenle standing outside your door.

if you weren't in a fight with him, you would laugh at how ridiculous he looked wearing sunglasses. you were pretty sure the sun had already set and it was dark outside.

you were feeling different kinds of emotions as you stood there. relief that he had come, nervousness about what he might say, and a stubborn remnant of hurt from your fight. you took a deep breath, mentally preparing yourself for whatever was to come as you opened the door, finally seeing him up close.

"can i come in?" chenle asked quietly. you didn't respond verbally, but opened the door wider, allowing him to enter.

you closed the door slowly before turning around to face him. chenle stood in the middle of your living room, looking uncharacteristically uncertain.

you leaned back against the door, arms crossed protectively over your chest, waiting expectantly for him to speak.

"i'm sorry," he said, his voice was soft and sounded a bit tired. "i'm sorry about everything. i was only thinking about myself and took your words lightly. i kept dismissing your feelings because i was blinded by my own jealousy. i didn't realize i was hurting you." he stepped closer, gently cradling your face in his hands. "please, forgive me. i don't want to lose you over some stupid fight. i know i haven't been the best at showing it, but i love you so much."

his words caused tears to well up in your eyes. for the past 24 hours, you had felt an uncomfortable tightness in your chest, each second away from him making you fear you were closer to losing him. you knew you both had much to discuss, and the way you communicated with each other needed improvement. but at that moment, you felt a surge of relief knowing that despite all the fights, chenle still loved you.

"thank you for coming to me, and i'm sorry too," you said, holding the hand that was caressing your face. "i have so many things to say... but first, can i take off your sunglasses? they're distracting." as you removed them, you felt your heart clenched at the sight. chenle's eyes were red and puffy, evidence of hours spent crying. the thought of him crying by himself made your sadness deepen, triggering your own tears as you immediately embraced him. "i'm so sorry for leaving you alone last night."

you didn't usually walk out during your fights, and your departure likely made chenle realize that this argument was unlike any other. he must have thought you had reached your limit. you now understood the depth of his fear of losing you, mirroring your own fear of losing him.

chenle encircled you in his arms, resting his head on your shoulder and burying his face in the crook of your neck. his embrace conveyed how much he had missed you.

"no, i am sorry. i deserved it," he murmured against your skin. "if you hadn't left, i probably would've done the same thing as before and not realized what i'd done wrong. you've been patient with me all this time. i'm sorry for all the times i ignored how you feel. i'll be better for you, i promise." he said, pressing a tender kiss on your forehead.

as you stood there in each other's arms, you both silently acknowledged the work ahead to strengthen your relationship. the warmth of your reconciliation filled the room, replacing the tension that had hung between you just moments before.

you and chenle were now cuddling on your bed. your chin rested on top of his head while gently running your fingers through his hair. the simple gesture made his heart flutter. his arm draped comfortably around your waist as he nestled against you, closing his eyes and basking in the peaceful aftermath.

as you lay there, feeling warm and loved, you felt so relieved. the tension from your fight completely melted away, and you felt even more in love.

chenle shifted slightly, tilting his head to look up at you. "i think i've figured out the secret to never fighting again."

you raised an eyebrow. "huh? what's that?"

"we just stay like this forever." he replied with a grin. "can't argue if we're too busy cuddling."

"tempting offer, but we'll get hungry eventually." chenle pretended to consider this seriously.

"then we take turns getting snacks while the other one guards the cuddle spot."

"guard it from what exactly?" he shrugged, snuggling closer.

"i don't know. cuddle thieves? it's a very coveted position, you know." you rolled your eyes in amusement.

"you're ridiculous."

"yeah," he leaned up to place a gentle kiss on your lips. "but you love me." he whispered against your mouth. you couldn't help but smile and steal another kiss from him.

as you snuggled back together, you felt calm and happy. in that moment, holding each other close, you both silently promised to stick together. you knew your love hadn't just survived, it had grown even stronger.

MARK is the busiest man you know. As his girlfriend, you were perfectly aware of his failure to properly manage all his activities. To him what mattered was staying afloat. Even though your time together was limited due to his schedule, you didn’t mind waiting for him to come home at the end of the day. He had made a huge effort to carve out time from his hectic lifestyle to make space for you and this was the most you could ask for. Because of this, time with Mark is valuable. Every second spent with him is thought out with love.

Your birthday is the most overloaded season regarding Mark’s schedule. With the demand for new music, constant touring, and endless practices, you didn’t expect much for him to surprise you. All that you wished for was at least some time to be spent with your loving boyfriend. But as you sat on the couch the whole day – ignoring requests to hang out with your friends in hopes Mark would pull through, expecting him to come home with a surprise straight from practice – the time was ticking closer to midnight and he was still nowhere to be seen. 

He was out of the house before he could even wish you a happy birthday. No note was left, breakfast wasn’t made, and all the chores were still left unfinished. As far as you knew, Mark hadn’t even come home from the previous night. As you sit on the sofa, envious of his bandmates who got to spend the fleeting days with him, you begin to regret waiting for you to matter enough to him. You could’ve spent the whole day catching up with friends, instead, you waited for your boyfriend who didn’t even care to send a simple “happy birthday” text.

Waiting got tiring and you only became more pissed. Just as you were about to reach your bed with your tears flowing down your face, you hear Mark enter, sounding exhausted from the day’s workload.

“Baby, I’m home,” he called across the apartment, only loud enough to hear from the room you were in. 

A sliver of you still had hope that he would surprise you with some form of greeting, but as his footsteps clicked closer to your shared bedroom and he had nothing in hand, all the hope had left your body. 

He sighed as he approached your tired figure, “Falling asleep already?”

It was obvious he didn’t even remember what was so special about today. A part of you wanted to slice at his throat for forgetting such an important date. Instead, you opted for peace, already feeling more tears threatened to spill.

“Yeah, had a long day.” you uttered, trying not to sound heartbroken. You couldn’t gain the courage to confront Mark. All you could do was tuck yourself under the covers and cry yourself to sleep while your loved one went about clueless.

RENJUN wasn’t one to open up to others about his feelings. You were the only one that he felt was worthy of sharing his deepest thoughts with. One of his being the fact he always felt distant from his friends. When he moved away from home he had broken a lot of his relationships and had difficulty rebuilding them. When Renjun told you he would be going out this weekend with his friends, you didn’t think much of it – other than the fact it was your birthday.

You knew not to become too hopeful when it came to surprises. You weren’t a little kid and you were aware that you’ll most likely get what you want by just asking. Although you knew this, you still thought that Renjun might possibly surprise you. However, you should’ve known better. 

When Renjun arrived home with nothing in his hands but shopping bags and a filled stomach, you knew he had forgotten a date that was so important to you. “Renjun, how was it?” you asked him excitedly, to the best of your abilities.

He smiled as he walked over to your spot on the couch, setting down his bags beside you on the coffee table. “We had a lot of fun. Had to catch up on lots though, who would’ve known how much my boys have grown.” 

You knew it was wrong to ruin his joy, but you had to get straight to the point. “Did you get anything while you were there?” You didn’t acknowledge his rambling about his friends, instead wanted to know if the bags held something for you to make up for his actions.

“Yeah, just some new clothes for the summer. They said they wanted to match-”

Before he could even finish his sentence you walked yourself to your room. Getting mad at him would only make matters worse so you did what your best at and removed yourself from the situation.

“Where are you going?” he asked as he tried to see what you were doing.

You continued to change and gather your belongings, clear what your intentions were. “Going out. Not wasting my special day waiting for you.” Before he could even process your words, you slammed the door in his face. Renjun knew he fucked up.

JENO is your homebody boyfriend – he loves spending time with you and cozying up in bed. It is rare he got to do so, though, as a lot of hours are filled with his idol lifestyle. He was expected to stay on top of his numerous schedules and manage time with his girlfriend. This is a lot of responsibility for a man like Jeno. 

You quite honestly didn’t expect much from him considering how busy he would be on your birthday. The date happened to fall on a Saturday when they were holding a concert. You were aware he would be extremely tired and might even not have time to hang out with you afterward. The least you expected with for him to send you a birthday greeting but you had received nothing and the concert had already begun. 

Being the loving girlfriend you were, you had arrived at the concert to support your boyfriend. When the other boys saw you they even made the effort to wish you a happy birthday. All of them but your own boyfriend, the reason you were even hear right now. 

The stadium was filled to the brim with adolescent teens to elderly couples. This was most definitely not your scene but you wanted to spend your birthday with the one you loved. You had brought your friends along as they also wanted to hang out. Even though you had so many people around you celebrating your life, you couldn’t help but feel worthless for not meaning anything to the one you loved most. 

When the concert ended you had excused yourself from your friends for the night to meet up with Jeno. Pushing yourself backstage was a difficult task after trying to scooch past all the fans and security. As soon as you had managed to locate Jeno backstage, you were told to wait outside by his managers, Jeno making no effort to halt their actions. 

You waited hours for him to finally exit the dressing room but to no avail, he never came out. 

“Y/n, what are you doing out here?” Jaemin saw you sitting on the bench you had positioned yourself on for the time being. 

It was silly he was asking such a question, he had to of known why you were here in the first place. “Just waiting for Jeno. Is he almost done?”

Jaemin had a shift of energy as if something had clicked in his mind upon your words. “He left a while out the back. I can go find him, he probably is still in here. I’m sorry he didn’t come to see you he probably forgot.”

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it Nana. Thanks for telling me.” You quickly gathered your belongings before he could even have a chance to comfort you. There was a time and a place for everything and crying in front of him on your birthday was definitely not something you had wished for. 

You refused to wait for Jeno any longer, he obviously never did the same for you. As you left the stadium all your emotions exited your body. How could someone you love break your heart so terribly?

HAECHAN is a family man at heart. He never failed to mention his siblings in a conversation and made sure to keep up with them when time allowed. This was something that drew you towards your boyfriend. Seeing his love for domesticity made you feel like you had found the man who would lead you in the future.

Funny enough, you had managed to be birthed the same day as his sister he loved so dearly. Obviously, it wasn't a coincidence that he would constantly mention his sister’s birthday and what he was planning on gifting her. What you did begin to question was his lack of mention of your own special date. 

It wasn’t uncommon for couples to not do much on each other’s birthdays, but your relationship was Haechan was not typical dating. He cared for you deeply, at least to the extent you thought. Each date was carved to cater to your liking and surprise you each time. You knew your birthday would be an even more special day for him which is why you weren’t surprised when you came home on the date with party streamers covering the house and an entourage of his family.

“Baby your home,” Haechan noticed your entrance and shocked face.

You smiled as you embraced him into a tight hug, “Thanks for doing this all for me. I love you.”

He laughed at your response, slight confusing you. “It’s my sister’s birthday, you know how much these days mean to us.”

Even though you were confused by Haechan's response, you did know you were happy he didn’t let you down in the end. He never wished you a happy birthday but you were sure a surprise party would make up for it.

As the party ensued and time for cake came, the lights were turned off and Haechan appeared out of the corridor with the candle lit sweet. You were standing next to his sister as you were greeting her a happy birthday. As he approached you with the cake you couldn’t help but notice your name was spelt wrong on the cake. Oh wait. It wasn’t even your name at all. He had never even remembered your birthday to begin with.

JAEMIN had mentioned your birthday to you on numerous occasions. He loved planning time with you and never failed to make sure each date was tailored to your liking. When he had asked you where you had wanted to dine in on your birthday, you weren’t surprised in the slightest by his actions to make sure the day was perfect for you. He had even made sure to pick an outfit for you to match and he already knew what gifts you wanted without asking.

As the days ticked down to the date, Jaemin didn’t seem to get any more excited. Typically, he would be all over you explaining the details of how excited he was to spend time with his loving girlfriend. When the day finally turned to be your birthday, you noticed he still was not making an effort to mention your planned date.

“Good morning my love,” Jaemin had greeted as soon as your eyes fluttered awake. 

You smiled, awaiting the day ahead of you, “What have you got on your mind today?” You knew Jaemin would have the whole day planned and wouldn’t be able to contain his joy. 

“Just happy I get to spend time at home with my love this morning. I got to go to practice later, though,” he replied as he pulled you closer under the covers.

You knew Jaemin had mentioned going out so you were surprised by his words. Jaemin wasn’t the type to cancel all your plans for work, he was adamant about making time for you. The last thing you had expected was for him to postpone your birthday for something so small.

“Can’t you just miss practice today?” You questioned slightly agitated. As much as you know work is important to him, it felt right to at least be somewhat selfish of your time with him. 

“No can do. You know these are a non-negotiable.” 

You could tell he was taken aback by your response. He had just wanted to make the most of his day with you before he had gone to practice, and who were you to avoid wishes. You could accept his business for at least an effort to make time for you. 

As you spent the fleeting moments with Jaemin, you couldn’t help but notice nothing about your day was going as planned. No presents were awaiting you at the table, not a single of your favorite meals was dished up by your favorite chef, and no greeting was uttered out of his mouth. 

The day had continued on as normal until he left for practice. Maybe he would bring you the gifts and dinner when he got back? Much to your dismay, he arrived home in the same state he was in before, just much more tired. 

As he tucked himself into bed next to you, you couldn’t help but feel the need to ask him about the change in his attitude. But before you could even question him, he gave you the answer you were searching for. “I feel like I forgot about something today.”

Damn right, you had forgotten something Na Jaemin.

CHENLE was never one to back down from an argument. He always made sure he was right even if it meant hurting others along the way, including his own girlfriend. Because of his ungodly ego, you two got into numerous fights. It was a red flag but he always managed to earn your forgiveness. His love language was gift giving and he never failed to surprise you with the most extravagant items. 

Most of your fights would end within a few hours, but this was different. You two had been arguing about his lack of care regarding setting aside time for you. He was busy, but so was everyone else in the world – he is perfectly capable of putting in the extra effort yet he lacks to do so. 

With your birthday on the rise, you had expected him to forgive you relatively quickly. Instead, you two had still not spoken a word since the day of your fight into your birthday. You were aware Chenle was stubborn, but you couldn’t believe he was this difficult. 

You should’ve taken the warning from others about your toxic habits. Even though time was running out you still felt like Chenle would end up pulling through. He always refused to bite the bullet and message you first, so this time you wanted to see how long it would take him to come crawling back. When it took multiple days, you knew he wouldn’t be speaking to you anytime soon.

Y/n: what the fuck is your problem Y/n: do you even know what today is? Chenle: was waiting for you to finally apologize Chenle: what’s so special about today Y/n: it’s my birthday

You couldn’t believe that Chenle would be so adamant about his stance he would even forget your own birthday. When you saw the bubbles appear indicating him typing his response, you didn’t pay any mind to it. Protecting your peace, you powered off your phone and chose silence to celebrate the remaining of your day.

When you heard a knock on your door no longer than 30 minutes after texting Chenle, you knew it had to be him. But you had no room left in you to listen to his excuses. If he wanted to prove himself, he should’ve done so before.

JISUNG was never the type to put his best friend over you. He always ensured you were his number one priority and his numerous date nights made you guarantee this. His best friend since childhood happened to be extremely possessive of him. Her intentions were clear, but your boyfriend was always too oblivious to notice. 

There were multiple occasions where she had uttered the most absurd comments to your face. Time and time again, Jisung had never stood up for you. You should have taken this as a red flag but you knew your boyfriend loved you dearly –  who were you to let a random girl get in your way?

Your birthday was around the corner and Jisung had not yet mentioned any plans regarding the day. He had mentioned a couple of things in the past but nothing that stuck out recently. When the day of your birthday arrived, the atmosphere remained the same. 

You had mentioned to him you were going to spend the day out with your friends and he didn’t question it. Before you could leave the house, he was already out for the day, not giving you a chance to even greet him good morning. It was odd for him to be out so early but you knew better than to think so deeply into it. 

When you arrived home you had noticed another car in the driveway – his best friend’s car. You were never one to be selfish but spending time with her on your birthday was the last thing you would ever wish for. 

You had still not received any messages from Jisung and you were starting to grow more concerned. Before you could enter your shared apartment, you were immediately greeted by the girl you wished to avoid.

“About time you showed up,” she eyed you head to toe, shutting the door behind you.

Her attitude never failed to surprise you. Nevertheless, you still played into her tricks, “I’m just getting back from the mall. You know, celebrating my birthday.”

She laughed at your comment, “Oh, poor Jisung must have forgotten. He hasn’t mentioned you all day.” She didn’t even offer any explanation as she pushed past you to exit the building, smirking on her way out.

You were aware she was a snarky bitch but you couldn’t believe she had the courage to make up such a lie. A part of you wanted to push past the door and confront your boyfriend and the other wanted to go after her like she was your prey.